Killing My Binge Eating Monster

Six Methods to Kill My Binging Monster

“I can’t believe it,” I thought to myself. I had just left a family Christmas party and was not sick from binging nor did I feel the need to punish myself for eating cookies and drinking beer. At that moment, I closed my eyes and smiled realizing the massive journey that began in 2012.

In fall of 2012, as my days of playing high school football began to wind down, I sought to lose weight. I was always fat growing up, but I played offensive line so I accepted it and just lived my life. Once football ended, the desire to lose weight was much greater as there seemed to be no logical reason to keep it; plus I just started dating this gorgeous girl.

In the winter of 2012, things began just like everyone else who looks to lose weight. I started to lift weights and do cardio after school. I also began to watch my diet, even a single carrot was an improvement. As the weight loss progressed I became more obsessed with vanity in myself and my physique. The pendulum swing had begun, I went from being a kid who would eat every edible object in a room to someone who you thought was training for the Mr. Olympia.

The transition did not take place overnight, in fact it happened so slowly and gradually that I did not notice the self-centered monster I was creating. As I soaked up information online from bodybuilding sources, I learned about “clean” foods, meal prepping, cardio, and the works. As time progressed, I became more and more focused on my vanity and physique.

I was spending easily in upwards of 40 hours a week, a “full-time” job on my body and it was not because I enjoyed it, it was simply because I wanted abs. I was doing 30 minutes of fasted cardio every day, then I would lift weights 5-6 days a week followed by another 90 minutes of cardio, and lastly my caloric intake was 1800 calories (mind you I am 6’-0”). To make matters worse, when I did sneak a homemade cookie (deemed “unclean” food), I would just throw my hands in the air like, “Dang it James! You will never have those abs by eating this quote dirty food!” Thus since mentally I thought I wrecked all past progress, I would proceed to consume all the cookies, a box of sugar cereal, ransack the cupboards for any other source of sugar. Within minutes to an hour I would consume the caloric intake of a small village. The cycle would then proceed to be placed on repeat like your favorite new song, that never seems to escape your head, except this song lasted 3 long years….restrict, restrict, binge, restrict, restrict, restrict, binge.

I would then sit down, cry and sulk in my room, thus proceeding to punish myself for this bad behavior like a toddler who threw a toy at this brother. However, my body had no more to give, but I did not care….I WANTED ABS!!! So, I pushed myself harder and the world further away, more cardio even less food. Oh, and also James no going out with friends or eating at family parties because the food is not up to par for you and your abs.

This would repeat itself every weekend for several years with no end in sight. I tried IIFYM which morphed into If It Fits Your Mouth, I was scared that if I ate a reasonable amount of “normal” food I would blow up and all of my results (which was not much because my body was dead from the diet swings) would go away. I sought help and nothing seemed to work; was this ever going to end?!

Was there a special moment or turning point? No, just as slowly as it seemed to happen, it took me just as long to fix it and I am still not perfect….it is still a thought, but I have found several ways that began the transition and what I do now to conquer my inner-monster.

Keep It Simple Stupid

Love yourself. Simple right? Perhaps the worst thing about this cycle was I hated myself, I hated my life, I did not want to look in the mirror, I thought I was a failure that I would never make it, I contemplated suicide. When I would binge, I would punish myself. Don’t do that we are human, life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is much too short to never treat yourself to what you love to eat whatever that maybe for you. Again Keep It Simple Stupid. Look yourself in the mirror directly into your eyes saying “I LOVE myself” at least 10 times a day, if not more. P.S. try not to smile when you say this (harder than you think).

You can eat whatever you want just not all at once. I believe I heard Layne Norton say this, I believe this, like the 11th commandment, in fact it should be an amendment to the constitution. When I first began to escape cycle, I would eat one “treat” at every meal. Nothing crazy, but it will allow you still get your “fix” but you won’t binge on it. Any action in the right direction gave me more motivation and encouragement to keep in proving. The small wins kept snowballing into large victories later that slammed the door on binging.

Going along the line of K.I.S.S, I did this with my meal planning, no more crazy spreadsheets and tracking of nutrients line item by line item like an accountant. I did not worry about counting calories and the works. I would instead eat (3) meals, breakfast, lunch and supper possibly a snack if I was hungry. I would eat slowly, and as I began to feel fuller I would stop eating. My metabolism was so out of whack that the slightest improvement had drastic results.

180, 190, 160, 225, 200…what number was it going to be today I thought I as I closed my eyes scared to look down at the scale after a night of binging (these were all weights I reached during this cycle). I have weighed 160 and 210 within 7 weeks. You do not need a scale to help you. It’s about small wins, small wins, they add up trust me; I have been there too.



The left is me at 160lbs. at my lowest extreme, the right is me at 220lbs. my highest extreme. These two photos were taken less than 8 weeks apart.

So, what about eating at restaurants and parties? Parties were my kryptonite, the amount of food that I saw and I thought I had to eat three people’s worth of everything. What helped me to win at parties was I made this a game in my head (who cares no one else knows..plus now you know I did it). I am very competitive; I hate losing even if it’s go fish with a girlfriend (I will be a terrible father I will never let my kids win). Since eating slower and not getting seconds was a struggle at first. The game I created was to be the last one done eating, and the last one to get seconds. This helped me in many ways, first to help me eat slower I talked with people, this helped to repair the relationships I had damaged in the past, plus I was not over eating (win/win). Which is why I was last to get seconds, so often I would eat so quick that my stomach didn’t even know it was fed until I was already 4-5 plates of heaping food deep.

Train for fun! For so long in this process I trained for results no I do not mean goals; I simply worked out to look good that’s it! It was the complete wrong direction, it made training no fun, I dreaded every gym session, and was having a miserable time. It doesn’t matter if you are into bodybuilding, figure, physique, cross fit, powerlifting, strongman, marathons, etc. just train for fun, train to get better and challenge yourself. For me this was powerlifting.

I began to cry happy tears as I feel asleep. This journey was long and I learned many tough lessons along the way. I want you to learn from me, because those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. I ruined my relationship with friends, missed out on memories, lost a girlfriend, and almost my life. You are a winner you can do this, I believe in you.

[edited by MFP Moderator]