Not-so-helpful S/O
slong12041989
Posts: 21 Member
Hello! I've used MFP off and on for years now and am looking to be a more consistent user. Not necessarily to obsess over every calorie, but so I can analyze what I eat and see what choices are most detrimental; therefore where I can make changes for a bigger impact! At one point I peaked at about 180 lbs... I'm now down to 150 and would like to lose about 15-20 more pounds as well as sculpt and tone!
I'm wondering if anyone has advice on a bit of on issue I'm having in the journey to eat healthier... My boyfriend and I live and work together, so we share almost every meal. He's fit because he works out a lot, but he has terrible eating habits. He doesn't understand that my body doesn't work that way and insists that if I just work out more, I can eat as unhealthily as he does and still lose weight. He often brings home fast food for me, ice cream, chips, candy, etc. Of course I can always say no, but it's difficult since I'm trying to change my lifestyle and have always been tempted by junk food anyway! It also makes purchasing groceries and planning meals harder. He doesn't really like veggies, or salmon (one of my favorite leaner choices for protein) so I find myself not buying them and struggling to prepare healthy meals with ingredients he will eat!
Does anyone else deal with a significant other who is picky or insists on having unhealthy foods around in spite of your efforts, and do you have any tips for dealing with this situation??
I'm wondering if anyone has advice on a bit of on issue I'm having in the journey to eat healthier... My boyfriend and I live and work together, so we share almost every meal. He's fit because he works out a lot, but he has terrible eating habits. He doesn't understand that my body doesn't work that way and insists that if I just work out more, I can eat as unhealthily as he does and still lose weight. He often brings home fast food for me, ice cream, chips, candy, etc. Of course I can always say no, but it's difficult since I'm trying to change my lifestyle and have always been tempted by junk food anyway! It also makes purchasing groceries and planning meals harder. He doesn't really like veggies, or salmon (one of my favorite leaner choices for protein) so I find myself not buying them and struggling to prepare healthy meals with ingredients he will eat!
Does anyone else deal with a significant other who is picky or insists on having unhealthy foods around in spite of your efforts, and do you have any tips for dealing with this situation??
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My wife loves sweets, and is MUCH taller than me and a heavy lifter--she can make that stuff work way better than I can, and it wasn't until I laid out how many cals per week I get, versus her, that she really 'got' it. For me, I just had to learn to say no, it's her house too, and if she wants chips and candy and stuff, that's her business. Luckily, sweets don't kill me the way her being into, say, chicken wings would, we crave different stuff.
On the food thing, honestly, I'm the cook in the house, and I told her she can give me three things, that I won't make for us. Three. She can change them, but I need a two week notice. Right now they are: peas, beets, and lima beans. Other than that, she can eat what I make or she can make something for herself. She won't often fight me on it, but sometimes she does choose to do Taco Bell instead.0 -
slong12041989 wrote: »
Does anyone else deal with a significant other who is picky or insists on having unhealthy foods around in spite of your efforts, and do you have any tips for dealing with this situation??
If there's food in the house that's not compatible with my menu plan I simply don't eat it. It's my weight loss journey, not my SO's. If she makes something for a meal that's not on my plan, I cook my own meal. We have differing nutrition goals. That's fine.0 -
I would show this blog to your boyfriend and then tell him it how you feel when he brings home junk food.0
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Just ask him to not bring home any for you. If that doesn't work, don't eat it and he will quickly get the message. You can't stop or change his habits, only yours. My boyfriend is 6ft3, works a very very active job and is into weightlifting. His calorie allotment for the day is my super mega cheat day. It makes it hard when he brings home hot chips but the fact I don't have room to pinch some off him isn't his problem. You just have to eat what you have to eat and them them eat what they have to eat.0
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I bring home cakes, cookies and ice creams daily . if my husband doesn't want to eat it, that's up to him. I won't change how I eat because someone else doesn't have self control or can't say no to treats. That's not my problem. I work hard to pay bills so am entitled to have the foods I like in my house. If my husband doesn't like It then he can purchase his own foods or practice self control ,either way its not my problem .
You can't expect him to eat the way you do and vice versa. Instead tell him no thanks and explain that you've been working on improving your diet or trying to stay within your calorie goal . if you don't have the self control then that isn't his problem. If he pays bills and works, IMO then he is entitled to eat whatever he pleases.its up to you as to if you eat it with him.
Unless he is shoving it down your throat and force feeding you, you can say no thanks.
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slong12041989 wrote: »
Does anyone else deal with a significant other who is picky or insists on having unhealthy foods around in spite of your efforts, and do you have any tips for dealing with this situation??
If there's food in the house that's not compatible with my menu plan I simply don't eat it. It's my weight loss journey, not my SO's. If she makes something for a meal that's not on my plan, I cook my own meal. We have differing nutrition goals. That's fine.
Same here. Grown adults can pick their own foods . support of a spouse isn't needed . sure it would be easier if each spouse picked the same foods but that is not realistic. All people have different likes and dislikes .0 -
I eat whatever is in the house, I just eat less of it. No blaming of others, everyone is happy including me!0
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Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics and saying what you're saying on the interwebs? Couples get out of sync with each other but talking to him, rather than the ether, is probably a really good start.0
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I am surprised by the responses, while I am sure you agree that he is grown and can eat what he would like, he probably just doesn't understand that you are really having a hard time. I would have a really hard time if my hubby was bringing the stuff home for me too. He should be able to make some different choices/have those things away from you to help & support you. Maybe show him with your choices that you are really serious and showing him your words on here might really help too. Congrats on losing 30lbs already!0
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Thanks everyone. I definitely don't expect him to eliminate what he likes to eat just because it's tempting to me. I guess it's the "have a bite, aw come on just one, split it with me" day in day out that's wears down my resistance haha. It is up to me though and I will just have to be better with self control and explaining to him how important is it to me to eat healthier, so although it's nice to want to share, I'd rather he not offer, especially if I've already said no.
Chimaerandi, thank you for the tips on cooking meals. I also do most of the cooking and feel guilty making something I know he won't eat, but I like the idea of setting up the foods I agree not to cook, maybe it could be his top three most hated or I can learn different ways to cook certain veggies so he may like them more.
Sounds like we just need to focus on being more independent with our meals since we have different goals!0 -
I agree that people need to be able to have self control and take responsibility for themselves. I also wouldn't purposefully do something that would make it harder for my husband to achieve his goals in fact I try to make it easier for him. I will buy snacks for myself that I know he doesn't like.
Maybe you can make a list of your favorites and ask that he not bring those home? Or you can weigh out a small portion and enjoy whatever fits into your calorie goals? You can make your own dinner, you don't have to eat the same thing he does. If you like salmon, have some salmon!0 -
@slong12041989 it's been a little bit of a pain in the butt, but I've learned to cook a lot of vegetables in a lot of interesting and flavorful ways, and she's learned that she likes vegetables more than she thinks she does when some prep effort goes into them. Try roasting--it brings out some sweetness.0
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You are going to have to have "the talk" with him. Tell him you will not eat the fast food, ice cream, chips, candy, etc unless the caloric count fits into your plan for the day. Otherwise it will need to go into a special cabinet or the fridge and of course he is welcome to eat it. As for meals, buy what you want to eat and cook it in addition to what you are cooking for him. A 4 oz serving of salmon and steamed veggies will be a nice easy to fix meal to complement his steak and baked potato with fixins. There should be a way to compromise.
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AH another thing! I bank for the weekends, so I always let her make a request for the weekend--chicken and dumplings, chicken pot pie, alfredo, whatever. And then I make that on a day when I have more room to play. It helps with her feelings like I'm always cooking to my needs (because I am not making two meals every night) and she has come to appreciate that she is eating healthier too.0
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I would ask to him to not bring the food home. Explain that while you don't need him to eat what you will be eating, you need his help and encouragement in succeeding in a goal. If he doesn't do this, and instead sabotaging your goals, that is not someone that you would want in your life. You want to be with someone who helps make you your best version...0
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My DH and I have been married 12 years. One of the compromises we've made is that we don't always eat the same meals or snacks...and that's OK. I don't accuse him of sabotage when he's eating a can of Pringles. He doesn't accuse me either when I sit down with Reese's Pieces I budgeted for. If one of us doesn't like what the other cooked there is a cupboard of alternatives. It's been invaluable as I've learned to say no to work donuts and reduced my eating at company lunches. There was a time I felt I couldn't say "no" unless I was very full. Now I can say No at home, work, big family events. The practice only made me stronger.0
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sunnybeaches105 wrote: »Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics
What have the pictures got to do with him?0 -
bendyourkneekatie wrote: »sunnybeaches105 wrote: »Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics
What have the pictures got to do with him?
Well, he wouldn't want his property exposed without granting permission first, would he?0 -
bendyourkneekatie wrote: »sunnybeaches105 wrote: »Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics
What have the pictures got to do with him?
Well, he wouldn't want his property exposed without granting permission first, would he?
Property? She is her own person.0 -
bendyourkneekatie wrote: »sunnybeaches105 wrote: »Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics
What have the pictures got to do with him?
Well, he wouldn't want his property exposed without granting permission first, would he?
Property? She is her own person.
Pretty sure davpul was being sarcastic. Sunnybeaches105 not so much.0 -
I literally googled this same thing like a month ago. I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about needing him to support me, and although bringing me french fries for lunch is nice, it's not helping me on what I need to do for myself right now. The temptation is too much and it's not good for him either (even though he somehow doesn't gain weight). Sit him down and open up about how you feel. Try to compromise. We eat separate meals a lot. Specific things that are hard for you to resist ask him not to bring around out of respect for you right now. Tell him why this is important to you. It's the only way he'll understand you're serious.
Don't feel bad saying "no thanks" to something he gives you either. I felt bad about for a long time because it was something he went out of his way to get for me but now that I'm saying "no" my boyfriend seems to get it. I say "no, you can eat it" and leave the room to avoid temptation. Now he's started asking before he brings junk food home and he's even started changing his eating habits a little too... He ate a kale salad this week. Major accomplishment. Men can just be hard to get through to. Be firm and communicate clearly what you need from him. Some small compromises aren't too much to ask. Goodluck!0 -
I cook and everyone else has to eat it lol. I like my sweets etc too so I make them fit. I find it easier to resist when they are in the cupboard and available though (weird) If I haven't got them in then I want them more. I have kids so sweets, chocolate, cakes and biscuits are always here. If it fits into my calories I eat it - if it doesn't I don't or I do more exercise to allow for them.0
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You don't have to eat what someone else is eating. Yes, you can eat those foods if you fit them in your calorie goal but if you don't want to use your calories on them then have what you want to eat.
Have him make a list of at least 10 meals he will eat. Get him to agree to eat out less often. Make/buy your food and he makes/buys his own.
I live with my husband and daughter- both have different calorie needs and food preferences. Neither need to lose weight. We eat out one meal a week and the rest are prepared at home. I plan meals for the whole month at a time and post the list in the kitchen. No surprises for anyone.
Dd is the pickiest and just won't like dinner a few times a week. She won't eat fish so we don't have it very often. She loves pasta which dh doesn't like. So fish or pasta has something on the side that the other person will eat. We eat chicken or meatless meals often. There are tons of chicken recipes. Turkey or pork are also okay. Beef is too expensive so we have it maybe once a month. I make soup once a week so I can freeze it or reheat it for other meals. Breakfast for dinner is popular with everyone- and generally quick to prepare foods.
Sometimes dd is just going to be making her own sandwich, eating cereal, fruit, yogurt or whatever. She is a teenager not a toddler.
I am responsible for what goes in my body. I put more vegetables on my plate than dh and dd. I buy frozen vegetables to reduce waste so I only cook what I need. I have a salad with dinner. I weigh or measure my portions of food. I look up nutrition info for restaurants and make a choice that fits my goal. I pre-log my whole day of food every morning.
They like ice cream, sweets and chips for snacks so they are always in the house. If it doesn't fit my goals for the day then I don't eat them. I have snack food I can enjoy. The only food left out in sight is a bowl of fruit and a loaf of bread.
My family has enjoyed recipes from http://www.budgetbytes.com
http://www.skinnytaste.com is also a good source.
I get food ideas from pinterest often as well.
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Trust me, from the 'married twenty seven years after dating & traveling together for five years' side of things: there are a lot of ways to be a couple... food doesn't have to be one of them! Focus on eating what you want & need to eat when you want & need to eat it. Period. He will figure out if he wants to eat what you're eating or fend for himself. Refuse to split an item you wouldn't eat otherwise. Absent yourself from the food & it will all be fine.0
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A funny aside: I have spent many years home with the kids while my husband developed his career. I was the primary cook. Im not proud that I gradually gained weight during those years, and he was quietly critical of my weight. This year he moved back east for four months on a job assignment & I joined MFP. I told everyone I stopped cooking. Not exactly true: I still wash, slice, sear and braise things. I just don't cook elaborate menus for hours and I almost entirely gave up baking. Unsurprisingly, I lost twenty pounds. Guess who gained twenty pounds? That's right, mr. fitness who had to step and shuffle to feed himself everyday far from home. Did I feel vindicated? A little. Being in charge of all the food all the time was not the best job for me. I wish I would have given myself permission to quit that sooner.0
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Is he bringing home the ice cream, candy, chips, fast food, etc. because that is how your relationship has always been, or is he bringing it home to prove his point that you can eat those things and still lose weight because that is what he does? If it is the latter, I can see how that would be really annoying, especially because you are reaching the more challenging part of weight loss when you have to be very choosy about spending your calories wisely.
I think you need some clear communication so that you can set a boundary. Let him know how much you love and appreciate his thoughtfulness in bringing delicious food home for you - acknowledge his effort and that it is an attempt to be caring. Then communicate your need to be very picky about what you are eating right now - if you don't want to work those foods into your daily calories, let him know why (i.e. if I spend 300 calories on an order of fries, it will not be very filling or satisfying to me, so it wouldn't help me to reach my goal). Let him know what you will be doing when he brings home food for you in the future - if you continue bringing me treats I won't eat, I will put them in the refrigerator for you to eat later. Finally, let him know what he can do to support you - what can he bring you instead of treats? For instance, I no longer keep diet soda at home, so a bottle of diet soda would be a huge treat for me that wouldn't impact my progress.
Then, adhere to your plan.
As for meals, my husband and I eat so differently that it doesn't make sense to try to cook one meal. We each cook for ourselves. I tend to meal prep over the weekend and eat whatever I've made over the week. He likes to cook different stuff each evening. If he refused to cook for himself, either he'd get really skinny really fast or waste a lot of money eating out. He's an adult, and I trust he can figure it out.0 -
I think there are 2 issues here, the first is although the OP can say no to the treats he brings home, everybody here knows that can be hard. Also he sounds like he offers more than once, even if she says no the first time, which isn't very fair. So speak to him about how he needs to understand that you are trying your best and you feel he's not as supportive as he could be etc...
The cooking thing, if he doesn't like what you make, then he can either eat it or make himself something. I think @chimaerandi has the right idea with the 3 things that you won't cook thing. Also there are ways for you to have salmon and he have something else, I'm vegetarian my boyf isn't and has no intention of ever being, he will make stew and add meat in separately, I will make a veg option for me and he has meat with potatoes/chips/veg etc... My boyf is over 6ft and is convinced the best way to lose weight is just exercise, he can eat almost 700 - 1000 calories more than me a day.
To echo all others in the post, speak to him, show him this is upsetting you.0 -
bendyourkneekatie wrote: »bendyourkneekatie wrote: »sunnybeaches105 wrote: »Good lord. Is it possible he wouldn't appreciate you posting these pics
What have the pictures got to do with him?
Well, he wouldn't want his property exposed without granting permission first, would he?
Property? She is her own person.
Pretty sure davpul was being sarcastic. Sunnybeaches105 not so much.
Nice. It depends on their relationship but I wouldn't posts pics like that without checking with my wife first. This is MFP though so gotta follow the script, right? Carry on with the outrage . . .
ETA: I do find it interesting how much can be read into a statement. Keep in mind the OP was both complaining about her spouse and posting pics. It's the perfect MFP recipe for unsolicited proposals. Hence, my response. What I did not say is that her pics are in anyway inappropriate, absent some agreement with her spouse, and people have a variety of relationships and comfort levels with pics.
There are certain subjects on here though the tend to go right to dumpster fire with the right prodding. Oh, and thanks Dave. Nice to see you again. That was the perfect response to push this thread over the edge, and I'm pretty sure it will go there as a result.
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You don't have to eat what someone else is eating. Yes, you can eat those foods if you fit them in your calorie goal but if you don't want to use your calories on them then have what you want to eat.
Have him make a list of at least 10 meals he will eat. Get him to agree to eat out less often. Make/buy your food and he makes/buys his own.
I live with my husband and daughter- both have different calorie needs and food preferences. Neither need to lose weight. We eat out one meal a week and the rest are prepared at home. I plan meals for the whole month at a time and post the list in the kitchen. No surprises for anyone.
Dd is the pickiest and just won't like dinner a few times a week. She won't eat fish so we don't have it very often. She loves pasta which dh doesn't like. So fish or pasta has something on the side that the other person will eat. We eat chicken or meatless meals often. There are tons of chicken recipes. Turkey or pork are also okay. Beef is too expensive so we have it maybe once a month. I make soup once a week so I can freeze it or reheat it for other meals. Breakfast for dinner is popular with everyone- and generally quick to prepare foods.
Sometimes dd is just going to be making her own sandwich, eating cereal, fruit, yogurt or whatever. She is a teenager not a toddler.
I am responsible for what goes in my body. I put more vegetables on my plate than dh and dd. I buy frozen vegetables to reduce waste so I only cook what I need. I have a salad with dinner. I weigh or measure my portions of food. I look up nutrition info for restaurants and make a choice that fits my goal. I pre-log my whole day of food every morning.
They like ice cream, sweets and chips for snacks so they are always in the house. If it doesn't fit my goals for the day then I don't eat them. I have snack food I can enjoy. The only food left out in sight is a bowl of fruit and a loaf of bread.
My family has enjoyed recipes from http://www.budgetbytes.com
http://www.skinnytaste.com is also a good source.
I get food ideas from pinterest often as well.
Any chance you share your monthly meal plan somewhere? Because it sounds like you are all over this. Very much like my life, except I hate meal planning.
OP any chance communicating some simple math would help? Maybe calculate his maintenance calories vs. your current goal calories?
My DH's maintenance calories are around 2400 at a guess (don't know his exact weight), with no exercise. My setting here now is 1400.0 -
A funny aside: I have spent many years home with the kids while my husband developed his career. I was the primary cook. Im not proud that I gradually gained weight during those years, and he was quietly critical of my weight. This year he moved back east for four months on a job assignment & I joined MFP. I told everyone I stopped cooking. Not exactly true: I still wash, slice, sear and braise things. I just don't cook elaborate menus for hours and I almost entirely gave up baking. Unsurprisingly, I lost twenty pounds. Guess who gained twenty pounds? That's right, mr. fitness who had to step and shuffle to feed himself everyday far from home. Did I feel vindicated? A little. Being in charge of all the food all the time was not the best job for me. I wish I would have given myself permission to quit that sooner.
YESSSS scolaris I had no idea but I loooove this! I wish vindication weren't so sweet sometimes...0
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