Lack of support
jessicaallen1996
Posts: 50 Member
So I'm 20 years old, a full time student as well as working 24/36 hours a week.... I still live at home to save money. I was super happy because I lost weight this week( down 1.8 pounds
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So I'm 20 years old, a full time student as well as working 24/36 hours a week.... I still live at home to save money. I was super happy because I lost weight this week( down 1.8 pounds!!). As well as that I tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I've had to use the rubber band trick on for 9 months, and they fit perfectly! So I went out and told my parents how ecstatic I was, and my mom totally pooped on my parade. She not picked that I had a muffin top( news flash I'm making my way down from 295 I'm going to have a muffin top for a while!). And also that my *kitten* was showing , which it wasn't. My jeans go up to my belly button , front and back.
It's really frustrating because I'm working so hard and she's trying to pull me down like always. My question is how do you deal with situations like this. Today I brought it to her attention that she was hurting my feelings, and that I've worked extremely hard but she just doesn't stop. She just kept not picking.
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Sounds like a jealousy issue, or she's just being mean and you should stop trying to seek support from her. Support from yourself is all you need, don't make the mistake of using other people to motivate you.0
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I understand, my husband had not said he saw a change till I told him someone at work noticed my first 25 pound loss. It can be very hurtful and discouraging. But I showed him and lost another 25 and working on 46 more. Keep your head up and do not quit. And if you have a bad day get over it, tomorrow is another day. State over.0
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galgenstrick wrote: »Sounds like a jealousy issue, or she's just being mean and you should stop trying to seek support from her. Support from yourself is all you need, don't make the mistake of using other people to motivate you.
It's easy to say that, but it's hard not to let external influences effect you.
OP, I think you will find lots of support here on MFP. Make some friends here. Seek out people who support you here and IRL to counteract the negativity. Yes, it's very good to be able to create a drive within yourself, but it also helps to have that circle of positive external support.0 -
Keep doing what you're doing, find your support with friends, other family members or even mfp and don't go to your mum for praise or validation. Almost everyone will seek approval from their parents, but parents don't always act like you want / expect them to - it sounds like your mum has some issues of her own (she may even be feeling guilty over your weight!), don't let her behaviour sabotage your efforts. Keep going, you're doing great
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Congrats on your loss!
It's rough when you are working hard and excited about your progress, only to have someone close to you rain on your parade. The only suggestion I have is to avoid putting yourself in this situation again. By that, I just mean don't invite your mom to make comments on your weight. Keep working hard and celebrate your success elsewhere...like here on MFP.0 -
laurenjennifer1987mfp wrote: »Keep doing what you're doing, find your support with friends, other family members or even mfp and don't go to your mum for praise or validation. Almost everyone will seek approval from their parents, but parents don't always act like you want / expect them to - it sounds like your mum has some issues of her own (she may even be feeling guilty over your weight!), don't let her behaviour sabotage your efforts. Keep going, you're doing great
+1
As tough as it sounds, you just can't expect her to suddenly change and support you. So don't expect it anymore and you'll reduce your disappointment. Know that this is your life, you're in control of it, support sounds great, but success ultimately comes from YOU.
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I would say don't bother going to your mom to proudly show her your weight loss. If she's anything like my mom, she will nit pick it, and then when you get close to your goal she'll say that you're getting "too thin" and that there must be something wrong with you because you lost weight and she is still heavy.
Google "jealous moms." It's more of a problem than you may realize.0 -
jessicaallen1996 wrote: »So I'm 20 years old, a full time student as well as working 24/36 hours a week.... I still live at home to save money. I was super happy because I lost weight this week( down 1.8 pounds!!). As well as that I tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I've had to use the rubber band trick on for 9 months, and they fit perfectly! So I went out and told my parents how ecstatic I was, and my mom totally pooped on my parade. She not picked that I had a muffin top( news flash I'm making my way down from 295 I'm going to have a muffin top for a while!). And also that my *kitten* was showing , which it wasn't. My jeans go up to my belly button , front and back.
It's really frustrating because I'm working so hard and she's trying to pull me down like always. My question is how do you deal with situations like this. Today I brought it to her attention that she was hurting my feelings, and that I've worked extremely hard but she just doesn't stop. She just kept not picking.
Crabs in a bucket. Don't worry, they're just trying to pull you back into the bucket, because she is seeing you succeed.0 -
seek support elsewhere and don't discuss your weight with your mom. You can do this-you were successful last week.0
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How much do you want to bet in a year or two or how ever long it takes for you to lose the weight your mum will turn around and say something that makes it out like her lack of support was actually the support you need and pat her self on the back
Like her lack of support was what motivated you, like she was doing some tough love.0 -
You can't control the crazy crap that comes out of your mom's mouth. What you can control is the amount of information she has to use against you.
If you don't get support from her, find support elsewhere. There's counseling groups, make friends on this site, maybe find a video game you can enjoy and play games with other people. Maybe find a local board game group that meets up, and join them, or maybe there's a local group of people who do arts and crafts. You're in college, maybe you could start your own group.
When I had a therapist, she told me that there is a triangle. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions.
When you look at that triangle, all 3 affect each other. Your thoughts can affect your feelings and your actions. Your actions can affect your feelings and thoughts.
Maybe playing Minecraft would be an action that would put you in a better mood, and that better mood can help boost your thoughts. I know at times I find a happy place in Minecraft. Or maybe it could be good books, good netflix episodes, the Gym.
Maybe you just need a counselor to talk to? Maybe they could give you other coping skills? Have you tried the school counselor?0 -
My sister was similar when last time to lose weight. She's thin but I think she was jealous of the complements I was getting. We were talking about my weight loss and goal weight. I cant remember what I gave as my goal weight likely 70kg. She immediately said that I should aim for 60 for my frame. She was probably right but realistically I havent been 70 for close to 15 years, 80 is the lowest I've been able to get down to and I got so disheartened by not being able to get lower that I ended up sliding back up to 90. 70 would be a great accomplishment for me so why nag at me about getting lower now.
We dont discuss weight and she hasnt said a word about the fact I have clearly lost weight recently. For me its easier to find weight loss support elsewhere.0 -
Makaiookami wrote: »You can't control the crazy crap that comes out of your mom's mouth. What you can control is the amount of information she has to use against you.
If you don't get support from her, find support elsewhere. There's counseling groups, make friends on this site, maybe find a video game you can enjoy and play games with other people. Maybe find a local board game group that meets up, and join them, or maybe there's a local group of people who do arts and crafts. You're in college, maybe you could start your own group.
When I had a therapist, she told me that there is a triangle. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions.
When you look at that triangle, all 3 affect each other. Your thoughts can affect your feelings and your actions. Your actions can affect your feelings and thoughts.
Maybe playing Minecraft would be an action that would put you in a better mood, and that better mood can help boost your thoughts. I know at times I find a happy place in Minecraft. Or maybe it could be good books, good netflix episodes, the Gym.
Maybe you just need a counselor to talk to? Maybe they could give you other coping skills? Have you tried the school counselor?
Actually I started a group for women in leadership on my campus( think Lean In), we often talk about our challenges and triumphs.0 -
Move out. As long as you live under her roof, she will continue.0
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Alluminati wrote: »Move out. As long as you live under her roof, she will continue.
Let's be honest here. My mom will continue for the rest of her life. She's like that with my sisters, and she'll be like that with me. Moving out will only stress me out.
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To play devils advocate, have you been trying to lose weight for a while? If yes, it could be that she's not taking your attempt seriously because you've tried unsuccessfully in the past. It could also be that she's worried for your health, and wants you to be happy but hasn't bought in that your serious about weightloss and doesn't want to be disappointed, and doesn't want you to be disappointed. Just throwing those ideas out there because I didn't see it mentioned. She's your Mom and she loves you. I'm certain she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. I know when I was your age I used to get hurt a lot by stuff my Mom said, but when I think back to it now, she actually wasn't trying to hurt me, and many times she ended up being correct. Anyway, you're off to a good start! Keep it up!
ETA - one time when I was 16 I went swimsuit shopping with my Dad. I had been wanting this one suit for a while, and when I tried it on he said it made me look big. I was 5'2 and 110 lbs. I was devastated. I thought he was being mean. A few weeks went by and I finally confronted him about it. It turns out that he thought I looked too muscular for the suit, that it didn't go with my body type (he was right, though I didn't let him know). He just didn't phrase it that way, and didn't realize the way I had taken it. Sometimes people don't think before they speak.0 -
No... I lost 30 pounds my senior year of high school but gained it back because I hurt my back at work and had limited abilities. Then was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just got my mind set back in order. I showed I was serious by putting a chart up in my room, talking about it occasionally and by choosing my foods carefully and practicing moderation/ mindfulness. She knows I'm serious.0
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You're getting good advice here. You're at an age when you still want approval and validation from your parents, and you live at home, so they're still quite involved in your life. As a mom of a 20-year-old living at home, well... a little bit of experience from the other side. HOWEVER-- clearly you won't get support from her, so don't go looking for it. The hard thing is that you're going to have to face this big task as an adult, which means that even though you live with her, you need to find supportive people in other places. It's pretty obvious that you are committed and you're doing really well, so keep doing what you are doing. You'll figure out who's on your side and keep them close. It's really impressive that you can do this in spite of the lack of support from those closest to you. I have no doubt that you'll reach your goal. Take your time. Mom probably thinks none of it will stick. Just do what you need to do. You'll get there. Doesn't have to be tomorrow either.
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I have dealt with similar. Also, my partner tries to sabotage me by bringing home my absolute favorite sweets and in general just pushes food like crazy. It's threatening for our loved ones when we change - at least for some of the less secure ones
This time around I'm dieting in secret and it's working.
I know you are very young and you must want and need your mom's encouragement but it's pretty clear she's not going to give it to you. That's a tough life lesson. Keep reaching out here for support and we will celebrate with you thought the world wide web! Good luck!0 -
I dealt with the narcissistic person I had the misfortune of being birthed too by never speaking to her again. You're not there yet, maybe you never will be but just remember those who need to tear others down to build themselves up will never stop. In a perfect world, parents would be exempt from that type of personality defect and we could lean on them the way evolution designed us to think we always can but it isn't a perfect world, and your mother is one of those people.
I'd love to tell you to not let it bother you or haters gonna hate or her hearts probably in the right place and she thinks she's motivating you or whatever but it's pointless. It's deflating and it stings like hell when it comes from your mother, doesn't matter if you're five or fifty. Doctors aren't gods because they are doctors and mothers aren't nice just because they are mothers.
Just keep telling yourself that your achievements are for you and you ARE worthy of praise and feeling good in yourself.
You're not the broken one.
[Edited by MFP Staff]0 -
jessicaallen1996 wrote: »Alluminati wrote: »Move out. As long as you live under her roof, she will continue.
Let's be honest here. My mom will continue for the rest of her life. She's like that with my sisters, and she'll be like that with me. Moving out will only stress me out.
My mom continued with this crap until my 30s. She has been very manipulative and narcissistic for as long as I can remember. I had to take a stand with her, and have reduced the amount of my time that she gets. I love her, but I cannot be around her for extended periods of time. The only thing you have control over is your reaction to her. Do not allow her constant picking (which is typically rooted in her own insecurities) to influence your self-esteem. If it already has, reaching out for some counselling can be life-changing for you.
I am sorry you are going through this right now. It does get better over time. Not because she will stop, but because you will no longer react to it as strongly.
Congratulations on your loss! Keep up the good work!0 -
jessicaallen1996 wrote: »Alluminati wrote: »Move out. As long as you live under her roof, she will continue.
Let's be honest here. My mom will continue for the rest of her life. She's like that with my sisters, and she'll be like that with me. Moving out will only stress me out.
You don't have to let her treat you like that. Once you move out you are in control. She can't treat you like crap if you don't let her. My mother and I had a terrible relationship, I set boundaries and rules, when she broke them I changed my phone number. I haven't spoken to her in 9 years. Problem solved. It might sound drastic but I am much happier for it.0 -
jessicaallen1996 wrote: »It's really frustrating because I'm working so hard and she's trying to pull me down like always. My question is how do you deal with situations like this. Today I brought it to her attention that she was hurting my feelings, and that I've worked extremely hard but she just doesn't stop. She just kept not picking.
This is the way your mom is. She is not going to help you or praise you. That is hurtful and dissapointing. It is her issue though.
So you don't talk to her about your weight loss and she misses out on being in that part of your life. Find your support in a different place with different people.
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jessicaallen1996 wrote: »So I'm 20 years old, a full time student as well as working 24/36 hours a week.... I still live at home to save money. I was super happy because I lost weight this week( down 1.8 pounds!!). As well as that I tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I've had to use the rubber band trick on for 9 months, and they fit perfectly! So I went out and told my parents how ecstatic I was, and my mom totally pooped on my parade. She not picked that I had a muffin top( news flash I'm making my way down from 295 I'm going to have a muffin top for a while!). And also that my *kitten* was showing , which it wasn't. My jeans go up to my belly button , front and back.
It's really frustrating because I'm working so hard and she's trying to pull me down like always. My question is how do you deal with situations like this. Today I brought it to her attention that she was hurting my feelings, and that I've worked extremely hard but she just doesn't stop. She just kept not picking.
I'd say just go with the flow like showing her that what she says doesn't bother you or get you worked up. For I stance, next time she mentions you still have a muffin top just tell her "geez mom what's your obsession with muffins? Do you like checking out womens muffin tops? Or are you craving sugar? Are you becoming g diabetic?" Lolol but say it kinda fast and like you're actually concerned for her. Hahaha that *kitten* works with my *kitten* of a mom, hopefully with yours too. Good luck!0 -
Don't ever let anyone bring you down. Carry the fire.0
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You are not alone,you can do this girl!0
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Everything that everyone else has said is true. My mum is very supportive but my father's family are horrible and have been my whole life. I also had an extremely jealous, horrible friend for a while who took every opportunity to drag me down about absolutely everything
Here is what I have done:
- Keep quite about your success at home. I put the last piece in bold because you are working hard and deserve to share it but it is better shared on here or with friends. Sad but true.
- Use it as motivation. That friend? Those horrible Aunts? My grandmother who told me I was getting fat & should suck in my stomach when I was 11? When I first started this change, I would sometimes picture them when I didn't want to go for a run or when I thought about ordering a pizza and eating the entire pan by myself. Use it as fuel.
- Forgive but don't forget. My dad has one sister who is extremely bitter about my weight loss. I used to be angry or upset. Now I feel sorry for her and hope that she is one day happy enough with herself that she doesn't need to take success from others. It took me a long time to get there. One thing which helped was remembering the times I felt jealous or envied someone I care about. We've all done it, maybe not to this extent, but we know what it feels like. Do you remember how ugly it is? Can you recall how horrid those thoughts feel inside your head & heart? On some level your family know what they are doing and I very much doubt they are happy about having those thoughts. at the same time, don't forget i.e don't put yourself (or them) in a position where it can reoccur.
- Practice mindfulness and self-love. When we love and respect ourselves, we draw love and respect from others.
Keep going and feel free to add me as a friend. I'm always happy to offer support and I really understand where you are coming from - and the fabulous places you are going too!
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