Body image and intimacy
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meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?0 -
ctrygrldwn2erth wrote: »Yes. Find it harder to think I look the way he sees me. My husband sees me .... all I see is how much overweight I am. I want to feel what he says he sees.
I wish! My boyfriend makes it very clear when he's not happy about my appearance. He says he would want me to tell him if he was gaining weight too. Not being funny but I'm a size 12 and 10st, 5 ft 3. I used to be a size 10 and 8 1/2 stone before I had a baby 2 yrs ago.
I've had all sorts of precious compliments from him such as 'Don't you want to be attractive?'
So yes I'm definitely avoiding intimacy because it's made me paranoid, and I'm mad at him too.
I have told him I need someone who loves me for who I am, but he just doesn't get it...0 -
Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?
Clearly the problem is how I feel about my own body, and that I do not like the way it looks... So that's a problem because it lowers my self esteem every time I see myself without clothes.0 -
meganridenour wrote: »Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?
Clearly the problem is how I feel about my own body, and that I do not like the way it looks... So that's a problem because it lowers my self esteem every time I see myself without clothes.
@meganridenour , I feel the same way. I'm fine clothed but cringe at my naked self. I was so good at just not looking at myself when I was heavier. Now I look in the mirror and try to see how far I've come but mostly just see how far I have to go. It feels very weird to be almost 40 and just now start having body image issues when I'm the healthiest/fittest I've ever been (fat or thin.)0 -
I think most people struggle with this in some way or another. For me, I always feel like I'm misleading. With clothes on I look pretty good and in shape, but take them off and you can see the reminders of my severely overweight life. For now, I'm still learning to be healthy, which includes loving my body with all its flaws.0
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meganridenour wrote: »Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?
Clearly the problem is how I feel about my own body, and that I do not like the way it looks... So that's a problem because it lowers my self esteem every time I see myself without clothes.
Well I understand it would be great if you liked what you saw in the mirror, but that body of yours allows you to have love, and companionship, and a sexual life, and eventually have a family if you wish. I know physical attraction is not all, but it's essential. Men can't fake it, even if they wanted.
So don't take it for granted.
I am sure it would help your self-esteem to recognize this, and to be grateful for it, next time you pass a mirror.
You see, I am grateful for being healthy. Sounds cheesy, I know. But when I look at my body, which I hate and makes my life so lonely, I try to remind myself that it is strong, and took me to 45 years-old without a single serious illness or injury. Not one. It's significant, and it helps to change the way I look at myself.0 -
I've openly said on MFP that my bf hates the way I look and has set an ultimatum. It's hard and it hurts every day. Especially when I've struggled with self image/esteem problems my whole life. Ive decided this is for me and not him. Keep your chin up0
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Some people (some of whom are men) don't ever have a sense of physical attraction. It can be one form of the asexual spectrum, such as people that are demisexual.Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?
Clearly the problem is how I feel about my own body, and that I do not like the way it looks... So that's a problem because it lowers my self esteem every time I see myself without clothes.
Well I understand it would be great if you liked what you saw in the mirror, but that body of yours allows you to have love, and companionship, and a sexual life, and eventually have a family if you wish. I know physical attraction is not all, but it's essential. Men can't fake it, even if they wanted.
So don't take it for granted.
I am sure it would help your self-esteem to recognize this, and to be grateful for it, next time you pass a mirror.
You see, I am grateful for being healthy. Sounds cheesy, I know. But when I look at my body, which I hate and makes my life so lonely, I try to remind myself that it is strong, and took me to 45 years-old without a single serious illness or injury. Not one. It's significant, and it helps to change the way I look at myself.1 -
I know it affected my marriage. My ex NEVER said a cruel word to me about my weight...nor did he say I was beautiful, pretty, sexy.
I am no where near my ideal weight, however I am learning to become more comfortable.... I know I am sexy and will only gain more confidence as I reach goals.
Communication with SO is key. And if he/she makes you feel uncomfortable.... Well they should be encouraging/suportative. JMHO0 -
When I initially lost weight, I finally felt confident enough to seek out relationships. When I met my partner I was about where I am now, down from my highest but still plenty heavy. With him I lost a lot more, but have gained it back (about half of what I lost initially is back). Less so about my body, and more so about my mental health about a month or two ago I suddenly kind of REALIZED (silly as is sounds that I hadn't noticed before...) I'd gained so much back and it hit me all at once. I was no longer feeling good in my skin and our intimate life definitely suffered. He loves me big, he loves me small, but if I don't love me there is no love happening. It was crazy the way the mood shifted in our relationship.
I have NOT lost the weight. But I have accepted that this body is my place to live and hating it doesn't make it different. And it REALLY deeply intensely hurt him to see me so pained, to see me hate something he absolutely loves. I couldn't hurt him or myself like that anymore.0 -
I'm 52 and I think I look pretty good...I have all kinds of flaws and have been all kinds of sizes, up and down, but I am healthy, work out, am active and energetic. Perfection doesn't exist....most women have cellulite, rolls, droopy bits, crinkly stuff...love yourself...truly....and this is coming from a no nonsense, non warm and fuzzy person....you are more than your outside package and how you feel about yourself is reflected on the outside....
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Isabelle_1929 wrote: »Isabelle_1929 wrote: »I avoid relationships due to the way my body looks. The only hope would be to find someone who would become madly in love with me and would accept not being attracted physically.
Good luck with that.
Haha, echoing my thoughts. I agree; its pretty challenging especially when all I see when I look around are beautiful and thin women. I know its possible to have those issues even as a thin/average sized person, bits what you see and all I see whether it is in media or real life are thin, beautiful people.
Well don't presume that because a women is thin she is attractive. In my case, I am not overweight but have a disgusting skin, by breast are unattractive and ... well I'll leave the rest for your imagination. Don't envy others, you never know.
I get you.
I am mostly embarrassed by my IGT breasts even though my husband doesn't seem to care. I gained a lot of weight in my pregnancy and went from lean and looking awesome to frumpy and squishy and I hate it. None of my clothes fit and my breasts look even worse. At least I can try to lose some of the weight and fit my old clothes so I don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
My husband says he doesn't care but when the topic of how thin I used to be comes up I can tell he's more attracted to that version of me (obviously.). I at least want to lose the baby weight. It takes soooo much work for me to get lean so I don't expect to get back to how I was when I had the time to workout 2+ hours a day and eat 100% clean.0 -
meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
That is a hard place to be in for sure. Just keep up the good work and eventually it will all tighten up. You should be proud of yourself! 90 pounds is an AMAZING accomplishment!0 -
xbowhunter wrote: »No issues here. I did notice my testosterone level is off the charts now & it drives my wife crazy...
Just FYI, you're not alone. Research has indicated a correlation between low testosterone levels and obesity.
http://www.nature.com/ijir/journal/v21/n2/full/ijir200842a.html0 -
stmokomoko wrote: »Yep.
Flirting and dates are okay, but when it's nearing time to seal the deal? PANIC MODE! ABORT! ABORT! I can never trust anyone when they say "I don't care what you look like", years of comparing myself against widely accepted standards of attractiveness has taken its toll.
My husband says he doesn't care but that's bulls*** to me.
I used to be so lean and looked amazing before I got pregnant. It's ridiculous to think he likes my squishy stretched out frumpy body of now more or as much as my pre baby body.0 -
How I look to someone else, doesn't matter to me because I know that I'll never be ideal, no matter how much weight I lose or how much cosmetic surgery I have, someone else'll always be more attractive than me; so I just desire to be the best, that I am able to be.
I believe that the worst mistake we make, when choosing a significant other is; currently meeting their preference & them ours but not considering if/when we and/or they won't continue to. This is why even though I am only overweight & trying to become the lowest normal weight; I still won't date someone that wouldn't be attracted to an obese person because I don't know now, that I won't ever be obese myself. Therefore I'd only date someone, whom doesn't have a body type preference; so that I don't have to worry about becoming a single parent because I didn't lose the baby weight (which I believe, is the leading cause of women; becoming single parents).0 -
holly23cali wrote: »I personally do not. I am very lucky and greatful to have a incredibly loving and supportive significant other. There is no judgment even though my body is far from perfect. I know he loves me thick or thin. I know he will love me and find me attractive when I meet my weight loss goals too. Loose skin and all.
That being said. I am on this journey for me and only me. If someone did not want to be with me because of how I looked naked. F*** them. They can take a hike.
Amen!!! Love your last but here. Doing this for me, my hubs has loved me fat skinny and fat again and now on my journey of being thinner and healthy. I definitely liked my sexy times better when i was thinner. Didnt have to suck in or worry about what was bouncing around.
Also, i liked finding cute little nightys and sexy stuff to wear because i felt like it held things in place a bit. Hahaha
My husband met me skinny and loved me. Said not one harsh word as I gained 50 pounds and said he loved my curves. Now he tells me how proud he is of my hard work and effort in eating right and exercise. He loves my body because it's mine. I don't feel self conscious at all in front of him because he celebrates me.0 -
AlyssaAnne03 wrote: »stmokomoko wrote: »Yep.
Flirting and dates are okay, but when it's nearing time to seal the deal? PANIC MODE! ABORT! ABORT! I can never trust anyone when they say "I don't care what you look like", years of comparing myself against widely accepted standards of attractiveness has taken its toll.
My husband says he doesn't care but that's bulls*** to me.
I used to be so lean and looked amazing before I got pregnant. It's ridiculous to think he likes my squishy stretched out frumpy body of now more or as much as my pre baby body.
Well maybe the truth is half way: he MAY care about certain parts of your body being less attractive, but he does NOT CARE in the bigger picture, he still thinks you're beautiful and attractive. Or maybe he finds you a little less attractive, but again, in the bigger picture, he loves you, and you're still his lady.
Beside, do you really love everything - I mean everything - about his body and face? I bet you don't. So? He should avoid mirrors, feel like crap when he dresses in the morning ?
Don't ask me if I found my ex' beer belly or balding "hot". Of course not ! But who cared? Overall, I thought he was handsome, and that was perfect.
Come to think of it: my ex never asked if I liked his round stomach or his new balding.
Men, sometimes, are smarter than women: when they know the answer, they don't ask. ;-P
Anyway. It is ok to want to be attractive for your spouse. But you have to trust him.
When we make a compliment to someone and it is rejected, it's at least mildly annoying, but often, downright frustrating, or hurtful. It's like someone refusing a gift we want to give.
So to all of you who say: "my BF or husband says I am beautiful and actually SHOWS IT, but I reject that because he must be lying, boohoohoo I wish I was in love with my body, poor little me .." Well stop that. Leave that to teenagers.
You have support at home? Use it, or you'll lose it.0 -
A little bit from the other side.
My partner of 30years was never what I rated as my ideal, not even close. At 24 he was too tall, too fat,and too bald.
I fell in love with his intellect, personality and sense of humour.
The only time our sex life became a problem was when his weight restricted my enjoyment. The problem was solved quickly.
He has loved and enjoyed me no matter what my size.
Self confidence and unconditional love for oneself and each other outweighs any physical barriers. JMHO.
Cheers, h.0 -
The main reason I started my weight loss was because I met someone and didn't want him to see me naked at the size I was. I've lost 22lb and I'm only 3lb off my target but while I know that I look a lot better now, I still have self confidence issues about my body. I'm 6ft tall and hate the fact that I'm "big" no matter what I weigh... losing the lb's only helps if you can change your state of mind as well.0
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courtniekrebs wrote: »I've openly said on MFP that my bf hates the way I look and has set an ultimatum. It's hard and it hurts every day. Especially when I've struggled with self image/esteem problems my whole life. Ive decided this is for me and not him. Keep your chin up
ultimatums aren't love. sheesh..thats horrible. you are a beautiful woman as you are.0 -
ddavenport63 wrote: »i have had weight issues all my life i am now in my 50s and met someone 5 yrs ago and am now having the best sex life i have ever had and all because a friend tought me that men just do not see us the way we see ourselves . it doesnt matter how you look, if you act like u have a bit of confidence then any man would find you sexy.believe me i am living proof of it !!!
I agree with you. I attract men that like bigger women. He can see my size with my clothes on so there shouldn't be any surprises with my clothes off. Women are much harder on ourselves than men are. Its all about confidence, men LOVE
confidence.0 -
I never did when I was heavier. When I got thinner, guys would make comments about liking my "small boobs" that started to make me wonder if they really liked small boobs, or were just assuming that I felt self conscious about having small boobs and would like to hear that they thought my boobs were small, and still acceptable. Because, when my boobs were larger, my guy friends did not feel free to comment on them, and those guys were in their twenties, and not at their most tactful.0
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ddavenport63 wrote: »i have had weight issues all my life i am now in my 50s and met someone 5 yrs ago and am now having the best sex life i have ever had and all because a friend tought me that men just do not see us the way we see ourselves . it doesnt matter how you look, if you act like u have a bit of confidence then any man would find you sexy.believe me i am living proof of it !!!
Wish that was true. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I even got told I'm too smart and guys don't like that! So I'm too fat, too ugly and too smart to be liked by anyone. I can understand the problem with my looks but since when did being smart become a problem? Can I buy idiocy in a jar from grocery store and have two spoonfuls of it a day? What's the cookie recipe for stupidity?
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i hate my body and have very low body confidence. After having kids the weight all gathered around my hips/middle and i hate it. I have that disguising Arpon after having 2 c-sections and It makes me feel really ugly but i guess the trick to that is to love yourself - which i tend to struggle with.
intimacy, yeah i feel like i don't want anyone to see me unless i can be hiding and the light off
sounds ridiculous but it's true. Hopefully weight loss and strength training will make me in a much better frame of mind but it feels like the road is sooooooo long 0 -
I personally do not. I am very lucky and greatful to have a incredibly loving and supportive significant other. There is no judgment even though my body is far from perfect. I know he loves me thick or thin. I know he will love me and find me attractive when I meet my weight loss goals too. Loose skin and all.
That being said. I am on this journey for me and only me. If someone did not want to be with me because of how I looked naked. F*** them. They can take a hike.
I agree. 0 -
laneespretty1 wrote: »I personally do not. I am very lucky and greatful to have a incredibly loving and supportive significant other. There is no judgment even though my body is far from perfect. I know he loves me thick or thin. I know he will love me and find me attractive when I meet my weight loss goals too. Loose skin and all.
That being said. I am on this journey for me and only me. If someone did not want to be with me because of how I looked naked. F*** them. They can take a hike.0 -
Yes and yes and yes to all of the comments posted above. I have a terrible time being comfortable in my own skin and that spills over into virtually everything in my life. I have a wonderful husband who thinks I am amazingly beautiful (he has very bad eyesight - lol) and he LOVES my body and my skin etc....but I just never feel at ease. We have been together for more than 11 years and I still feel exposed and wretched when he sees me naked. I am about 5'8" and weigh 129 lbs so I am not even heavy, I just hate my body.0
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My husband met me when I was still around 200lbs, not my top weight but for 5'2" still pretty big. At first I was nervous bc the previous relationship the dude told me one night that he wasn't attracted to me and he never dated anyone as big as me, I was around 220lbs.- Totally crushed my spirit.. But my husband, the 1st year we started dating would lay next to me after and just silently look in my eyes. when I'd ask him what was on his mind he'd say, you're so pretty. it was genuine and he made me believe it. -50lbs later he still tells me and I still believe it.
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lithezebra wrote: »I never did when I was heavier. When I got thinner, guys would make comments about liking my "small boobs" that started to make me wonder if they really liked small boobs, or were just assuming that I felt self conscious about having small boobs and would like to hear that they thought my boobs were small, and still acceptable. Because, when my boobs were larger, my guy friends did not feel free to comment on them, and those guys were in their twenties, and not at their most tactful.
I've gotten the small boobs compliment too! It's so specific and makes me wonder about their reasons too. (FYI - when I receive a compliment I graciously accept it. I just wonder about it later.) Why can't they just say "I like your boobs"? In cases where they have a history of dating other smaller chested women I take it as a true preference but in guys who have a long line of busty exes it seems to mean something else.0
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