Body image and intimacy
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No, not when it comes to jiggy jiggy but Im still self conscious outside of that department.0
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ritzyswish wrote: »ctrygrldwn2erth wrote: »Yes. Find it harder to think I look the way he sees me. My husband sees me .... all I see is how much overweight I am. I want to feel what he says he sees.
I wish! My boyfriend makes it very clear when he's not happy about my appearance. He says he would want me to tell him if he was gaining weight too. Not being funny but I'm a size 12 and 10st, 5 ft 3. I used to be a size 10 and 8 1/2 stone before I had a baby 2 yrs ago.
I've had all sorts of precious compliments from him such as 'Don't you want to be attractive?'
So yes I'm definitely avoiding intimacy because it's made me paranoid, and I'm mad at him too.
I have told him I need someone who loves me for who I am, but he just doesn't get it...
You need to find someone else.1 -
wow, this guy loves to talk0
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I've been lurking this thread but figured I'd share my thoughts. I've never had a lot to lose (maybe 25 lbs) but my body image has fluctuated over the years and I feel embarrassed to admit that some of the thoughtless comments ex-partners have made exacerbated it. I'm embarrassed because I feel I'm old enough that I should have thicker skin and better intrinsic self confidence. As such there's this general feeling that I'm just a little too heavy. There isn't a specific area that needs to be fixed but overall slimming needs to occur. I do feel self conscious when I'm at the high end about how I look. If I'm in a relationship or get to the point of being intimate with someone then it doesn't matter but I am much more self conscious when it comes to first dates. I like to wear a long coat and hope I don't have to get up without it so he sees the size of my hips. I know it's a bit absurd but it nags at me. The first few dates are always the worst for me.
On an aside - I dated someone briefly (for a few weeks) who had lost a significant amount of weight. You wouldn't guess with clothes on but once they came off he had some loose skin. He never talked about losing the weight and never talked about his feelings about his body but when he undressed it was as if he radiated a lack of self confidence and was just waiting for me to judge him. I thought his personality and intellect were fantastic but I couldn't get over that look of anxiety in his expression each time we were about to be intimate. Did I think his loose skin was sexy? No, but it wasn't unsexy either. I thought he was very attractive as a whole. It was his attitude when it came to his own body that was unsexy. Just some food for thought for all of you who are nervous about this. My take away from that experience was if I decide to be intimate with someone, even at a low point with my body image, then I'm going to do it lights on, brashly undress, and get busy without caring what the other person might think about my body. Attitude matters so much. Even if you don't love your body in the moment then focus on what you're about to do and how much you're looking forward to it. Then love your body for being there for you in that adventure.0 -
The thing about sex and attractiveness is.... no matter what you look like, you are ALWAYS SOMEONE'S ideal. What is "attractive" varies greatly person to person. How WE feel about the way we look is far more important. It has everything to do with self-esteem and confidence. A woman who is heavier with good self-esteem and confidence is way sexier than a thinner girl without those qualities. Confidence is universally sexy. We have a tendency to hold ourselves up to impossible standards and forget that our flaws are what make us unique and beautiful. I had 2 kids via c-section and 2 organ removals. My stomach is absolutely covered with stretch marks and 17 incision scars. Though I would like to lose the extra weight I have gained due to these circumstances, I wouldn't trade in the wider hips from pregnancy, the stretch marks, or scars for anything. I have earned each of them and they are part of who I am, part of the story of me and I love them. My husband loves me no matter what and would never ask me to do or not do anything that I didn't want to do unless it was actually a threat to my health. He supports me and my decisions about what I want to do with my body. I am very lucky. With all that said, I am more comfortable and have better sex when I am thinner. That is all me. He only cares about how much I enjoy myself and well, he's a man, he always enjoys himself and that has nothing to do with my weight.
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DearestWinter wrote: »I've been lurking this thread but figured I'd share my thoughts. I've never had a lot to lose (maybe 25 lbs) but my body image has fluctuated over the years and I feel embarrassed to admit that some of the thoughtless comments ex-partners have made exacerbated it. I'm embarrassed because I feel I'm old enough that I should have thicker skin and better intrinsic self confidence. As such there's this general feeling that I'm just a little too heavy. There isn't a specific area that needs to be fixed but overall slimming needs to occur. I do feel self conscious when I'm at the high end about how I look. If I'm in a relationship or get to the point of being intimate with someone then it doesn't matter but I am much more self conscious when it comes to first dates. I like to wear a long coat and hope I don't have to get up without it so he sees the size of my hips. I know it's a bit absurd but it nags at me. The first few dates are always the worst for me.
On an aside - I dated someone briefly (for a few weeks) who had lost a significant amount of weight. You wouldn't guess with clothes on but once they came off he had some loose skin. He never talked about losing the weight and never talked about his feelings about his body but when he undressed it was as if he radiated a lack of self confidence and was just waiting for me to judge him. I thought his personality and intellect were fantastic but I couldn't get over that look of anxiety in his expression each time we were about to be intimate. Did I think his loose skin was sexy? No, but it wasn't unsexy either. I thought he was very attractive as a whole. It was his attitude when it came to his own body that was unsexy. Just some food for thought for all of you who are nervous about this. My take away from that experience was if I decide to be intimate with someone, even at a low point with my body image, then I'm going to do it lights on, brashly undress, and get busy without caring what the other person might think about my body. Attitude matters so much. Even if you don't love your body in the moment then focus on what you're about to do and how much you're looking forward to it. Then love your body for being there for you in that adventure.
Glad you decided to share your story! This is a very important and interesting point.0 -
DearestWinter wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »I never did when I was heavier. When I got thinner, guys would make comments about liking my "small boobs" that started to make me wonder if they really liked small boobs, or were just assuming that I felt self conscious about having small boobs and would like to hear that they thought my boobs were small, and still acceptable. Because, when my boobs were larger, my guy friends did not feel free to comment on them, and those guys were in their twenties, and not at their most tactful.
I've gotten the small boobs compliment too! It's so specific and makes me wonder about their reasons too. (FYI - when I receive a compliment I graciously accept it. I just wonder about it later.) Why can't they just say "I like your boobs"? In cases where they have a history of dating other smaller chested women I take it as a true preference but in guys who have a long line of busty exes it seems to mean something else.
Not sure of the context, but some guys would use small boob compliments as a form of pick up artistry. The idea is to seem complimenting to appear interested, but to do it on something that generally wouldn't be complimented on, because it could subconsciously increase self-consciousness.0 -
Between me and my wife, no one complains about size. She's about the same size as when we married and I'm about 20 lb below my weight when we married 33 years ago.0
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If you love the person your with and they love you, show some trust in them when they tell you that. Grow some confidence and allow them the joy of seeing and participating in intimacy. You want a completely honest and raw reaction of pure heaven, drop your clothes without any hesitation at a completely spur of the moment time. As a man, I will stop what I'm doing and cave to that. If your man loves you, his jaw will drop, his eyes will widen and you will be the complete center of his full undivided attention, no matter what body shape you have. End of story.
Men love women, men love women with confidence, mend love women naked with confidence, make it happen and see what happens from it.1 -
Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.1
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^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with.
.. And not, not only because we have awesome personalities. 0 -
^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
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^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
True.
Most men are imbeciles, mine isn't.0 -
I had an ex tell his "mistress" that he never dated me (after 5 years), because he would never date someone that looked like me. That was years ago, and leaving him was the best thing I have ever done, but that stuck with me.
Now I have an amazing bf that prefers me to be a little bigger. He supports me being healthy and strong, and if I want to lose more weight, he is ok with it to. My point is, that as long as I am happy, he is happy. It's hard though, because I always feel like why if he secretly thinks I'm ugly too, and just doesn't say it. I know it's not true, and I am my own worst enemy, so I am really working on it. For me, I don't mind my size and shape, in fact I am pretty happy with it, although I would like to lose 20-30 pounds. I have really bad cellulite on the bottom half of my body though, and that torments me. I am so careful be covered, because I always feel like if he sees it, he will realize he doesn't want to be with me. We have been together three years and have a daughter, obviously he had seen it, but I still worry. I know I am obsessive about it, and that is my problem to work on.0 -
^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
Different men are different. I had an ex who wanted me to be fat so other men wouldn't look at me. He said mean things when I lost some weight, and criticized my clothing for being too revealing. It wasn't that revealing, unless you think a knee length dress that has a waistline and shows a bit of collarbone is revealing.
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lithezebra wrote: »^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
Different men are different. I had an ex who wanted me to be fat so other men wouldn't look at me. He said mean things when I lost some weight, and criticized my clothing for being too revealing. It wasn't that revealing, unless you think a knee length dress that has a waistline and shows a bit of collarbone is revealing.
What a horrible insecure control freak.
Good riddance0 -
ritzyswish wrote: »I wish! My boyfriend makes it very clear when he's not happy about my appearance. He says he would want me to tell him if he was gaining weight too. Not being funny but I'm a size 12 and 10st, 5 ft 3. I used to be a size 10 and 8 1/2 stone before I had a baby 2 yrs ago.
I've had all sorts of precious compliments from him such as 'Don't you want to be attractive?'
So yes I'm definitely avoiding intimacy because it's made me paranoid, and I'm mad at him too.
I have told him I need someone who loves me for who I am, but he just doesn't get it...
That's disrespectful and downright mean! The snarky side of me wants you to ask him, "Don't you want to not be a rude jerk?" But that won't solve anything. Have you talked to him about how hurtful those comments are to you and that they don't help you become more healthy?0 -
ddavenport63 wrote: »i have had weight issues all my life i am now in my 50s and met someone 5 yrs ago and am now having the best sex life i have ever had and all because a friend tought me that men just do not see us the way we see ourselves . it doesnt matter how you look, if you act like u have a bit of confidence then any man would find you sexy.believe me i am living proof of it !!!
Wish that was true. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I even got told I'm too smart and guys don't like that! So I'm too fat, too ugly and too smart to be liked by anyone. I can understand the problem with my looks but since when did being smart become a problem? Can I buy idiocy in a jar from grocery store and have two spoonfuls of it a day? What's the cookie recipe for stupidity?
I've been told that because I have an education, several degrees, run a department and prefer logic to feelings and drama, I intimidate men. I guess men would rather an uneducated drama queen living in poverty.0 -
marty_smith wrote: »Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.
The term "rudies" made me laugh. Never heard that one.
I'm not confident but don't let it hold me back with my husband either. I've never really thought about whether or not he's confident (just assume he is) but you have a good point there.0 -
marty_smith wrote: »Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.
Well, you're a lucky men, and never had the bad surprised of being turned down by what you saw when the clothes dropped on the floor. Because, yes, it does happen.1 -
Isabelle_1929 wrote: »marty_smith wrote: »Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.
Well, you're a lucky men, and never had the bad surprised of being turned down by what you saw when the clothes dropped on the floor. Because, yes, it does happen.
I've been there and its is the worst, most personal kind of rejection possible. Avoidance, unfortunately, seems to me to be the best way possible to avoid the hurt and humiliation that come with these types of experiences.0 -
jemhh wrote:I feel the same way. I'm fine clothed but cringe at my naked self. I was so good at just not looking at myself when I was heavier. Now I look in the mirror and try to see how far I've come but mostly just see how far I have to go. It feels very weird to be almost 40 and just now start having body image issues when I'm the healthiest/fittest I've ever been (fat or thin.)
I was wondering this too. I've been heavy before and lost weight but this time around when I started losing weight, no one ever told me that I'd be less happy with my body now than when I was fat. Sometimes I also wonder whether this anxiety has now replaced the happiness I found from eating what I pleased. Obviously, that didn't work and I'm glad I made changes to get healthier but I'm definitely having to put in a lot more effort into managing expectations.
The irony is that my coworkers are telling me to stop losing weight because I look "too thin" (I'm not) but its hard to tell them that it is not what they see in the mirror, it is what I see...and without clothes on. I just want to feel just one time what it might be like to have the type of body that is as close to ideal as possible. Now I'm thinking with the stretch marks, lose skin etc; that may never happen so hopefully I'll learn to make peace with it eventually.
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Both me and my girlfriend have body image issues. Quite the pair. We are both attracted to each other, shower each other with compliments, we are careful about how we talk about our own bodies around each other. We are very non judgmental, but our intimacy suffers. She still feels uncomfortable in her own skin. I think that's more important than anything else.
No matter how much you hear that you're attractive, if you don't buy it, you won't feel comfortable. So it's about finding a patient and non judgmental partner, not just someone who thinks you're hot (though that's important too).0 -
No matter how much you hear that you're attractive, if you don't buy it, you won't feel comfortable. So it's about finding a patient and non judgmental partner, not just someone who thinks you're hot (though that's important too).
I agree but no way to guage that without the possibility of getting hurt.0 -
Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »Isabelle_1929 wrote: »meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Well your BF does, so what is the problem?
Clearly the problem is how I feel about my own body, and that I do not like the way it looks... So that's a problem because it lowers my self esteem every time I see myself without clothes.
Well I understand it would be great if you liked what you saw in the mirror, but that body of yours allows you to have love, and companionship, and a sexual life, and eventually have a family if you wish. I know physical attraction is not all, but it's essential. Men can't fake it, even if they wanted.
So don't take it for granted.
I am sure it would help your self-esteem to recognize this, and to be grateful for it, next time you pass a mirror.
You see, I am grateful for being healthy. Sounds cheesy, I know. But when I look at my body, which I hate and makes my life so lonely, I try to remind myself that it is strong, and took me to 45 years-old without a single serious illness or injury. Not one. It's significant, and it helps to change the way I look at myself.
I understand what you're saying. I don't take for granted the love and attention I get from my boyfriend and the fact that he is attracted to me now and was attracted to me 90lb ago. That is huge for me, and it means a lot that he is so supportive of me.
It's just hard to understand how someone can find my nude body attractive because I'm always drawn to the flaws when I see it in the mirror.
I try to think back at men I've been with in previous relationships and how I felt about their bodies. I actually had a very long-term relationship with a man I didn't even find physically attracted to in the least (at first) - until I got to know him and being attracted to his personality, ended up finding his appearance attractive as well. That's me, though. I think men are usually very visual.0 -
I'm reading through this, and it got me that it makes me so mad. The media tells us all of the time that we should be ashamed of ourselves. It doesn't matter what size we are, the color of our skin, or what we look like. From day one we are told that we need to be better. We are pointing out our flaws, and trying to change them in to something that has been photoshopped. Even the weight watchers commercials...Oprah is telling us how miserable she was when she was bigger, as if that's the norm. Ugh...0
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Fit4LifeAR wrote: »I'm reading through this, and it got me that it makes me so mad. The media tells us all of the time that we should be ashamed of ourselves. It doesn't matter what size we are, the color of our skin, or what we look like. From day one we are told that we need to be better. We are pointing out our flaws, and trying to change them in to something that has been photoshopped. Even the weight watchers commercials...Oprah is telling us how miserable she was when she was bigger, as if that's the norm. Ugh...
And what's crazy is that the media does not represent the diversity of what people actually find attractive!0 -
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ctrygrldwn2erth wrote: »Yes. Find it harder to think I look the way he sees me. My husband sees me .... all I see is how much overweight I am. I want to feel what he says he sees.
Good Luck!0 -
meganridenour wrote: »In some ways I find myself more attractive since I've lost so much weight (i.e. when I'm wearing clothes). When I'm naked, it's a whole other story. I cannot stand the way my naked body looks. I think I have just as poor a body image if not worse now than I did 90lb ago. I am in this awkward place where I have both extra fat AND extra skin. Who wants to look at that?? It's hard for me to believe my boyfriend finds my naked body attractive. I just deal with it, though and try not to think about it when we're getting busy.
Ask Ellen Degenerate. I'll bet she thinks your body's rockin! You need to be more secure. Than you WOULD be more attractive. Selah0
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