Body image and intimacy
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No, not when it comes to jiggy jiggy but Im still self conscious outside of that department.0
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ritzyswish wrote: »ctrygrldwn2erth wrote: »Yes. Find it harder to think I look the way he sees me. My husband sees me .... all I see is how much overweight I am. I want to feel what he says he sees.
I wish! My boyfriend makes it very clear when he's not happy about my appearance. He says he would want me to tell him if he was gaining weight too. Not being funny but I'm a size 12 and 10st, 5 ft 3. I used to be a size 10 and 8 1/2 stone before I had a baby 2 yrs ago.
I've had all sorts of precious compliments from him such as 'Don't you want to be attractive?'
So yes I'm definitely avoiding intimacy because it's made me paranoid, and I'm mad at him too.
I have told him I need someone who loves me for who I am, but he just doesn't get it...
You need to find someone else.1 -
wow, this guy loves to talk0
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I've been lurking this thread but figured I'd share my thoughts. I've never had a lot to lose (maybe 25 lbs) but my body image has fluctuated over the years and I feel embarrassed to admit that some of the thoughtless comments ex-partners have made exacerbated it. I'm embarrassed because I feel I'm old enough that I should have thicker skin and better intrinsic self confidence. As such there's this general feeling that I'm just a little too heavy. There isn't a specific area that needs to be fixed but overall slimming needs to occur. I do feel self conscious when I'm at the high end about how I look. If I'm in a relationship or get to the point of being intimate with someone then it doesn't matter but I am much more self conscious when it comes to first dates. I like to wear a long coat and hope I don't have to get up without it so he sees the size of my hips. I know it's a bit absurd but it nags at me. The first few dates are always the worst for me.
On an aside - I dated someone briefly (for a few weeks) who had lost a significant amount of weight. You wouldn't guess with clothes on but once they came off he had some loose skin. He never talked about losing the weight and never talked about his feelings about his body but when he undressed it was as if he radiated a lack of self confidence and was just waiting for me to judge him. I thought his personality and intellect were fantastic but I couldn't get over that look of anxiety in his expression each time we were about to be intimate. Did I think his loose skin was sexy? No, but it wasn't unsexy either. I thought he was very attractive as a whole. It was his attitude when it came to his own body that was unsexy. Just some food for thought for all of you who are nervous about this. My take away from that experience was if I decide to be intimate with someone, even at a low point with my body image, then I'm going to do it lights on, brashly undress, and get busy without caring what the other person might think about my body. Attitude matters so much. Even if you don't love your body in the moment then focus on what you're about to do and how much you're looking forward to it. Then love your body for being there for you in that adventure.0 -
The thing about sex and attractiveness is.... no matter what you look like, you are ALWAYS SOMEONE'S ideal. What is "attractive" varies greatly person to person. How WE feel about the way we look is far more important. It has everything to do with self-esteem and confidence. A woman who is heavier with good self-esteem and confidence is way sexier than a thinner girl without those qualities. Confidence is universally sexy. We have a tendency to hold ourselves up to impossible standards and forget that our flaws are what make us unique and beautiful. I had 2 kids via c-section and 2 organ removals. My stomach is absolutely covered with stretch marks and 17 incision scars. Though I would like to lose the extra weight I have gained due to these circumstances, I wouldn't trade in the wider hips from pregnancy, the stretch marks, or scars for anything. I have earned each of them and they are part of who I am, part of the story of me and I love them. My husband loves me no matter what and would never ask me to do or not do anything that I didn't want to do unless it was actually a threat to my health. He supports me and my decisions about what I want to do with my body. I am very lucky. With all that said, I am more comfortable and have better sex when I am thinner. That is all me. He only cares about how much I enjoy myself and well, he's a man, he always enjoys himself and that has nothing to do with my weight.
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DearestWinter wrote: »I've been lurking this thread but figured I'd share my thoughts. I've never had a lot to lose (maybe 25 lbs) but my body image has fluctuated over the years and I feel embarrassed to admit that some of the thoughtless comments ex-partners have made exacerbated it. I'm embarrassed because I feel I'm old enough that I should have thicker skin and better intrinsic self confidence. As such there's this general feeling that I'm just a little too heavy. There isn't a specific area that needs to be fixed but overall slimming needs to occur. I do feel self conscious when I'm at the high end about how I look. If I'm in a relationship or get to the point of being intimate with someone then it doesn't matter but I am much more self conscious when it comes to first dates. I like to wear a long coat and hope I don't have to get up without it so he sees the size of my hips. I know it's a bit absurd but it nags at me. The first few dates are always the worst for me.
On an aside - I dated someone briefly (for a few weeks) who had lost a significant amount of weight. You wouldn't guess with clothes on but once they came off he had some loose skin. He never talked about losing the weight and never talked about his feelings about his body but when he undressed it was as if he radiated a lack of self confidence and was just waiting for me to judge him. I thought his personality and intellect were fantastic but I couldn't get over that look of anxiety in his expression each time we were about to be intimate. Did I think his loose skin was sexy? No, but it wasn't unsexy either. I thought he was very attractive as a whole. It was his attitude when it came to his own body that was unsexy. Just some food for thought for all of you who are nervous about this. My take away from that experience was if I decide to be intimate with someone, even at a low point with my body image, then I'm going to do it lights on, brashly undress, and get busy without caring what the other person might think about my body. Attitude matters so much. Even if you don't love your body in the moment then focus on what you're about to do and how much you're looking forward to it. Then love your body for being there for you in that adventure.
Glad you decided to share your story! This is a very important and interesting point.0 -
DearestWinter wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »I never did when I was heavier. When I got thinner, guys would make comments about liking my "small boobs" that started to make me wonder if they really liked small boobs, or were just assuming that I felt self conscious about having small boobs and would like to hear that they thought my boobs were small, and still acceptable. Because, when my boobs were larger, my guy friends did not feel free to comment on them, and those guys were in their twenties, and not at their most tactful.
I've gotten the small boobs compliment too! It's so specific and makes me wonder about their reasons too. (FYI - when I receive a compliment I graciously accept it. I just wonder about it later.) Why can't they just say "I like your boobs"? In cases where they have a history of dating other smaller chested women I take it as a true preference but in guys who have a long line of busty exes it seems to mean something else.
Not sure of the context, but some guys would use small boob compliments as a form of pick up artistry. The idea is to seem complimenting to appear interested, but to do it on something that generally wouldn't be complimented on, because it could subconsciously increase self-consciousness.0 -
Between me and my wife, no one complains about size. She's about the same size as when we married and I'm about 20 lb below my weight when we married 33 years ago.0
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If you love the person your with and they love you, show some trust in them when they tell you that. Grow some confidence and allow them the joy of seeing and participating in intimacy. You want a completely honest and raw reaction of pure heaven, drop your clothes without any hesitation at a completely spur of the moment time. As a man, I will stop what I'm doing and cave to that. If your man loves you, his jaw will drop, his eyes will widen and you will be the complete center of his full undivided attention, no matter what body shape you have. End of story.
Men love women, men love women with confidence, mend love women naked with confidence, make it happen and see what happens from it.1 -
Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.1
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^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with.
.. And not, not only because we have awesome personalities. 0 -
^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
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^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
True.
Most men are imbeciles, mine isn't.0 -
I had an ex tell his "mistress" that he never dated me (after 5 years), because he would never date someone that looked like me. That was years ago, and leaving him was the best thing I have ever done, but that stuck with me.
Now I have an amazing bf that prefers me to be a little bigger. He supports me being healthy and strong, and if I want to lose more weight, he is ok with it to. My point is, that as long as I am happy, he is happy. It's hard though, because I always feel like why if he secretly thinks I'm ugly too, and just doesn't say it. I know it's not true, and I am my own worst enemy, so I am really working on it. For me, I don't mind my size and shape, in fact I am pretty happy with it, although I would like to lose 20-30 pounds. I have really bad cellulite on the bottom half of my body though, and that torments me. I am so careful be covered, because I always feel like if he sees it, he will realize he doesn't want to be with me. We have been together three years and have a daughter, obviously he had seen it, but I still worry. I know I am obsessive about it, and that is my problem to work on.0 -
^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
Different men are different. I had an ex who wanted me to be fat so other men wouldn't look at me. He said mean things when I lost some weight, and criticized my clothing for being too revealing. It wasn't that revealing, unless you think a knee length dress that has a waistline and shows a bit of collarbone is revealing.
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lithezebra wrote: »^^ True but the idea of the perfect looking woman is plastered everywhere which contributes to women's insecurities.
Check out some of the threads on mfp where men post up pictures of beautiful women and you will see there's a standard ideal most men flock to, this breeds insecurity and allow women to feel inferior.
As women, we gotta be the best you are with... And not, not only because we have awesome personalities.
Most men, isn't the same as the man your with. Trust your own man, the rest are irrelevant, at least for your intimacy. Women plaster the perfect looking woman, men simply love women, all women, even more so those who are confident and show it.
Different men are different. I had an ex who wanted me to be fat so other men wouldn't look at me. He said mean things when I lost some weight, and criticized my clothing for being too revealing. It wasn't that revealing, unless you think a knee length dress that has a waistline and shows a bit of collarbone is revealing.
What a horrible insecure control freak.
Good riddance0 -
ritzyswish wrote: »I wish! My boyfriend makes it very clear when he's not happy about my appearance. He says he would want me to tell him if he was gaining weight too. Not being funny but I'm a size 12 and 10st, 5 ft 3. I used to be a size 10 and 8 1/2 stone before I had a baby 2 yrs ago.
I've had all sorts of precious compliments from him such as 'Don't you want to be attractive?'
So yes I'm definitely avoiding intimacy because it's made me paranoid, and I'm mad at him too.
I have told him I need someone who loves me for who I am, but he just doesn't get it...
That's disrespectful and downright mean! The snarky side of me wants you to ask him, "Don't you want to not be a rude jerk?" But that won't solve anything. Have you talked to him about how hurtful those comments are to you and that they don't help you become more healthy?0 -
ddavenport63 wrote: »i have had weight issues all my life i am now in my 50s and met someone 5 yrs ago and am now having the best sex life i have ever had and all because a friend tought me that men just do not see us the way we see ourselves . it doesnt matter how you look, if you act like u have a bit of confidence then any man would find you sexy.believe me i am living proof of it !!!
Wish that was true. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I even got told I'm too smart and guys don't like that! So I'm too fat, too ugly and too smart to be liked by anyone. I can understand the problem with my looks but since when did being smart become a problem? Can I buy idiocy in a jar from grocery store and have two spoonfuls of it a day? What's the cookie recipe for stupidity?
I've been told that because I have an education, several degrees, run a department and prefer logic to feelings and drama, I intimidate men. I guess men would rather an uneducated drama queen living in poverty.0 -
marty_smith wrote: »Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.
The term "rudies" made me laugh. Never heard that one.
I'm not confident but don't let it hold me back with my husband either. I've never really thought about whether or not he's confident (just assume he is) but you have a good point there.0 -
marty_smith wrote: »Women, seriously, if you get to the point where you're in a position to have rudies in the bedroom - i can guarentee the bloke isn't worried about what you look like with your clothes off, if anything hes probably desperate for you to take them off. Chances are hes thinking exactly the same thing about himself aswell. Be confident for crying out loud, no body is perfect. Smile and have fun.
Well, you're a lucky men, and never had the bad surprised of being turned down by what you saw when the clothes dropped on the floor. Because, yes, it does happen.1
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