Pretty sure I will be fat forever

SnackHips

Here I am, back on MFP. I have tracked calories, monitored portions, changed types of food, tried moderation, worked out a lot, worked out a little, tracked steps, worked with personal trainers, gone to doctors, and everything else under the sun.

I get into what feels like a "lifestyle change." I enjoy my workouts and don't feel like I'm pushing too hard. I enjoy my food, never hungry, never deprived. I lose weight slowly and steadily. I am happy with the change. Protein, healthy fat, vegetables, etc. Then, I get down to a certain size and like clockwork ...I lose my energy and become ravenous. My body absolutely refuses to get below this particular size and my weight instantly shoots up in a few days of overeating and under-activity. Then the cycle repeats with me thinking "this time I will figure it out and stick to it." Then my body fights me again. I can't get past the wall. I have tried dozens of times. I can't get past it. I stay away from scales and measuring tapes. It happens. I track my body fat and weight. It happens. I do nothing, it happens. I do everything, It happens.

This can't be my "natural size" as I'm still overweight and sometimes cross into obese.

I'm depressed about all of it. I'm tired of repeating the cycle endlessly and never getting anywhere.

Lrdoflamancha

You might consider seeking the help of a therapist. One helped me to discover my deep seated need to stay fat. In my case it was from childhood. I did and do the same thing you do. Only now I no longer beat myself up for it.

punkrockgoth

*hugs* I get the feelings of frustration. It also sucks to cruise the forums or log in to see people who are able to lose weight really fast and drop clothing sizes and have people comment on how great they look while feeling so stuck.

I'm wondering if maybe it's psychological. I know that there is definitely some biology and mechanics at play here, but it can usually be overcome by sticking to your plan or making minor changes. Seeing as it happens at the same time for you and you're already depressed about it, it could be both fear of failure and fear of change.

I'm sure someone else will have some better insights than me though. Just know you're not alone in your frustration.

scolaris

So specifically what are we talking about here? What is your height? What is your age? What is the weight range at which you stall? Do you know your actual body fat percentage? This is all very vague.
I understand you are exasperated. I detect some hyperbole but I get it, you've tried lots of approaches. You haven't yet cracked the case. That doesn't mean you won't.
I do take issue with your claim that you gain it all back in a few days. Just nope. It doesn't work that way. Water weight? Sure. But you can't regain lost fat in a matter of days. It's impossible. And your body isn't 'fighting you.' Please. There's no little berserk inner race car driver in your body just gunning the appetite motor to mow you down. Most of us keep our little berserk inner race car drivers in our heads anyway. So I'm much more inclined to suspect your mind is sabotaging you, not your body. And the good news is that's more easily remedied!
Anyone would get tired of endlessly repeating the same cycle and never getting anywhere. So you need to change your cycle! That's where some of the specifics I mentioned above would come in handy. Have you ever tried just maintaining that weight for awhile? Have you ever tried at that weight to temporarily shift your focus to another goal entirely like taking up a new sport or participating in a race or an event? You claim you've tried 'everything' in sort of a big dramatic way. Maybe you need to just quietly and somewhat stoically stick to one or two things for a longer time. Consistency and routine are powerful. If this weight is indeed 'overweight' by objective standards how do you suddenly become drained of all energy and ravenously hungry at this one magic place on the scale? Something doesn't add up. Only you know the hidden math. Figure it out. Stay curious.
Fall down 27 times, get up 28. You only have to do this one better once.

SnackHips

Thank you. I have suspected something psychological but can't figure out why or what. I use to suffer from depression and anxiety, but I'm medicated for that now and it has helped a lot. The weight thing has still been an issue though. I brought it up to my counselor a few times, but he is one of those super fit (always been fit) people and says it is just willpower. It seems like if this was just a willpower issue I wouldn't lose any weight at all. I don't have a problem eating well and working out. The problem is getting past that wall. ugh. Very frustrating.

SnackHips

scolaris wrote: »

So specifically what are we talking about here? What is your height? What is your age? What is the weight range at which you stall? Do you know your actual body fat percentage? This is all very vague.
I understand you are exasperated. I detect some hyperbole but I get it, you've tried lots of approaches. You haven't yet cracked the case. That doesn't mean you won't.
I do take issue with your claim that you gain it all back in a few days. Just nope. It doesn't work that way. Water weight? Sure. But you can't regain lost fat in a matter of days. It's impossible. And your body isn't 'fighting you.' Please. There's no little berserk inner race car driver in your body just gunning the appetite motor to mow you down. Most of us keep our little berserk inner race car drivers in our heads anyway. So I'm much more inclined to suspect your mind is sabotaging you, not your body. And the good news is that's more easily remedied!
Anyone would get tired of endlessly repeating the same cycle and never getting anywhere. So you need to change your cycle! That's where some of the specifics I mentioned above would come in handy. Have you ever tried just maintaining that weight for awhile? Have you ever tried at that weight to temporarily shift your focus to another goal entirely like taking up a new sport or participating in a race or an event? You claim you've tried 'everything' in sort of a big dramatic way. Maybe you need to just quietly and somewhat stoically stick to one or two things for a longer time. Consistency and routine are powerful. If this weight is indeed 'overweight' by objective standards how do you suddenly become drained of all energy and ravenously hungry at this one magic place on the scale? Something doesn't add up. Only you know the hidden math. Figure it out. Stay curious.
Fall down 27 times, get up 28. You only have to do this one better once.

Yea, I get that it doesn't make sense. I'm 5'1". I have "maintained" 150lbs for about 5 years now. That includes a pregnancy where I went up to 165 and was back at 150 a week after the birth. I get up to 160 when things are bad. I workout and eat right for weeks/months and right around 150 the switch flips. I track my activity and body fat with fitbit. On a typical day of just living life I will get 6-10k steps. When I pay attention and try to be more active it is around 10-15k steps averaged. My bf has been anywhere between 30 and 37 % over the years I have been doing this. I had a scale that tracked water weight too, but it recently broke.

On a typical day of not caring what I eat or how much of it I will eat between 1500 and 1900 calories. When I pay attention and focus I will keep it between 1200 and 1500.

So...me not trying at all equals: As much as 1900 calories a day and as little as 6k steps a day. My body fat and weight stay the same at this pace. I always drink a lot of water..just as a side note.

When I hit the "wall" and no I don't look at the scale every time and say "150lbs, time to screw stuff up" but I do recognize how my clothes fit and my general body shape that seems to correlate with the general weight range. My steps will average 1k-3k and I will be severely fatigued. I will eat as much as 5k calories. My bf and weight will be back up as much as 8-10lbs in less than a week. I'm sure there is water weight in there somewhere, but not enough to fully account for all of it. Or explain the fact that it takes me another 3-8 weeks to return to the starting point.

That is "great" if it is all in my head. Doesn't quite help though.

Pathmonkey

Do I hear ya on this one! Good new is that you are fully aware of the problems and the fact that you do have a wall. At very least you're not deluding yourself by saying "I'm doing everything right". That's half the battle! Anxiety and depression tend to release cortisol....the lovely weight gain chemical our body releases when under stress. That can be beaten with exercise, therapy, and a total new mindset. Try this and see if it works: get mad at it (not you), tell yourself that you're stronger than all the problems put together and that you're going to start fresh working on that damned wall by climbing it slowly. Your 'ladder' will be every step you take towards a happier and more relaxed you. Continue to seek help with the depression and anxiety, that is what is most likely holding you back. Set a new goal and try again.... never giving up.... get mad at it, not sad. Much luck!

SnackHips

Pathmonkey wrote: »

Do I hear ya on this one! Good new is that you are fully aware of the problems and the fact that you do have a wall. At very least you're not deluding yourself by saying "I'm doing everything right". That's half the battle! Anxiety and depression tend to release cortisol....the lovely weight gain chemical our body releases when under stress. That can be beaten with exercise, therapy, and a total new mindset. Try this and see if it works: get mad at it (not you), tell yourself that you're stronger than all the problems put together and that you're going to start fresh working on that damned wall by climbing it slowly. Your 'ladder' will be every step you take towards a happier and more relaxed you. Continue to seek help with the depression and anxiety, that is what is most likely holding you back. Set a new goal and try again.... never giving up.... get mad at it, not sad. Much luck!

Thank you. I do need a mental reset. I hate coming on here because it is embarrassing to admit how poor I am at all of this. I appreciate the lack of judgment.

Pathmonkey

Sorry my quote thingy isn't working.... never and I mean NEVER feel embarrassment... we are all here for you... always! Hang in and message any time you like.... go get mad now LOL

Pathmonkey

P.S. you're not poor at it, just having a momentary struggle

perkymommy

I had the same exact thing happening the last few times I tried to lose weight. I started at 150 and would make it to 135 every.single.time without fail and then fall off the wagon and before I knew it I'd be back in the 145-150 weight range. I got out of that rut by pushing myself through it. When I got down to 135 this last time I felt it was going to happen again but pushed through it. I limited certain foods more around that weight range and finally made it to 130 and I'm not looking back.

You can do this! For me it was all about willpower and how much did I want it this time! This is a lifestyle change and not a fad so take it easy but push yourself when you get to that point where you want to revert back. Most days I'm really relaxed with this weight loss game and other days I have to be very hard on myself to get myself through. Just take it day by day, pound by pound and meal by meal.

Feel free to add me as a friend!

amusedmonkey

Have you tried a different strategy? Like reaching the weight you usually do, then focusing on maintaining? I mean that's gotta be less frustrating than regaining and doing it all over again. You never know, you may at some point want to go back to dieting, and at that point you would be mentally rested and already have a lower base to start from. As a plus, you will have learned some maintenance strategies and skills which are very important! It would give you a great advantage when you reach your next "wall" to then maintain at that weight, and ultimately at your goal weight. You basically need to tell yourself "as long as I'm not gaining, I'm doing well" even if it takes years. If anything, your perseverance despite the hiccups shows how strong you are and how much you are capable of.

CorneliusPhoton

It takes a long time to gain fat, just as it takes a long time to lose it; so as far as your weight "shooting up" after only a few days of overeating and inactivity, you are only seeing water weight. You haven't lost everything you have worked for -- assuming that you have been losing weight at a healthy pace! Are you? 1 lb per week is very sustainable.

Give yourself a break for one week and then GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK. Drink your water. Stop focusing on the imaginary wall (you are setting yourself up for, and expecting a problem, and fulfilling your expectations) and focus more on maintaining activity and eating clean in the long run. You can do this.

SnackHips

Thanks everyone. trying a new approach. Going to try not to stress about it. Even if it takes 5 more years. Haha

scolaris

Yes! That's the attitude! I'm back to check in on you. You've really gotten lots of great advice here. I'm not warm and fuzzy in writing, but rest assured I'm NOT judging you. This is what makes the forensics of weight loss so fascinating. This isn't just 'in your head' but your head is probably having something to do with your outcomes.
By all means give it longer. And yes you will have to be meaner than the meanest, most negative thought in your head because that's how you kick that terrible self-talk to the curb. At 5'1" you're probably right that 150 is on the high side but keep in mind you may be a beautiful 137 or 140. The BMI tables don't apply to every body.
Maybe look at a 3 year horizon. What if you created a cut, maintenance & fitness plan for three 12 month periods that focused on you getting 15 lbs lighter in 5 lb annual increments? There's no one right way to do this. Maybe you just need to add fabric and work on the long game.
I wish you so much goodness. xo

SnackHips

That is also great advice. Thank you. It gets so easy to want results faster and beat myself up.

LKArgh

SnackHips wrote: »

Thank you. I have suspected something psychological but can't figure out why or what. I use to suffer from depression and anxiety, but I'm medicated for that now and it has helped a lot. The weight thing has still been an issue though. I brought it up to my counselor a few times, but he is one of those super fit (always been fit) people and says it is just willpower. It seems like if this was just a willpower issue I wouldn't lose any weight at all. I don't have a problem eating well and working out. The problem is getting past that wall. ugh. Very frustrating.

Your therapist does sound right partially. It is about willpower not to lose the weight, but also to maintain the weight loss. A weightloss approach that you see just as a short-term effort, or that is so aggressive and restricitive that is not sustainable, it cannot be transformed to maintenance. Focus on smaller changes, but sustainable ones. Like, look for ways to up your physical activity, on the long run. Something that you like, not something that burns the most calories. Look for recipes to make your favourite foods lower calorie, even a little bit, do not lose weight eating foods you cannot see yourself eating for life.

lemonychild

Guess that's s choice you consciously made

Francl27

Does the ravenous part coincide with PMS, by any chance? It's what happened to me... I eat more before my period and the scale shoots up, but it's completely normal to gain weight before your cycle...

The key really is to take it one day at a time and not give up. You keep doing your workouts, you avoid 'empty' calories as much as possible (bread and other things like that that don't fill you up for the calories) and you still try again the next day. Eventually there's one day when you're not hungry.. so don't waste it... Weight fluctuations are completely normal... you just can't let yourself use it as an excuse to give up.

MelodyandBarbells

Regarding 5K per day, especially if it's not an isolated event but rather ongoing, for, say, a week - be explicit about this with your therapist and ask for tools to help you figure this out. If he still cannot help, you may need a recommendation to work with someone else. I have the occasional blow out day, but if I'm home (I do poorly when I'm traveling), persistent super high calorie days is not typical. Granted, that is me, but it sounds like you do not find that behavior to be normal or productive, either. It's undoing your efforts and I imagine taking a toll on you mentally

BKENY

So, I'm scrolling through your blog reading your comments and the others, and I must say, you have given me hope.