Pretty sure I will be fat forever

SnackHips

Here I am, back on MFP. I have tracked calories, monitored portions, changed types of food, tried moderation, worked out a lot, worked out a little, tracked steps, worked with personal trainers, gone to doctors, and everything else under the sun.

I get into what feels like a "lifestyle change." I enjoy my workouts and don't feel like I'm pushing too hard. I enjoy my food, never hungry, never deprived. I lose weight slowly and steadily. I am happy with the change. Protein, healthy fat, vegetables, etc. Then, I get down to a certain size and like clockwork ...I lose my energy and become ravenous. My body absolutely refuses to get below this particular size and my weight instantly shoots up in a few days of overeating and under-activity. Then the cycle repeats with me thinking "this time I will figure it out and stick to it." Then my body fights me again. I can't get past the wall. I have tried dozens of times. I can't get past it. I stay away from scales and measuring tapes. It happens. I track my body fat and weight. It happens. I do nothing, it happens. I do everything, It happens.

This can't be my "natural size" as I'm still overweight and sometimes cross into obese.

I'm depressed about all of it. I'm tired of repeating the cycle endlessly and never getting anywhere.

Lrdoflamancha

You might consider seeking the help of a therapist. One helped me to discover my deep seated need to stay fat. In my case it was from childhood. I did and do the same thing you do. Only now I no longer beat myself up for it.

punkrockgoth

*hugs* I get the feelings of frustration. It also sucks to cruise the forums or log in to see people who are able to lose weight really fast and drop clothing sizes and have people comment on how great they look while feeling so stuck.

I'm wondering if maybe it's psychological. I know that there is definitely some biology and mechanics at play here, but it can usually be overcome by sticking to your plan or making minor changes. Seeing as it happens at the same time for you and you're already depressed about it, it could be both fear of failure and fear of change.

I'm sure someone else will have some better insights than me though. Just know you're not alone in your frustration.

scolaris

So specifically what are we talking about here? What is your height? What is your age? What is the weight range at which you stall? Do you know your actual body fat percentage? This is all very vague.
I understand you are exasperated. I detect some hyperbole but I get it, you've tried lots of approaches. You haven't yet cracked the case. That doesn't mean you won't.
I do take issue with your claim that you gain it all back in a few days. Just nope. It doesn't work that way. Water weight? Sure. But you can't regain lost fat in a matter of days. It's impossible. And your body isn't 'fighting you.' Please. There's no little berserk inner race car driver in your body just gunning the appetite motor to mow you down. Most of us keep our little berserk inner race car drivers in our heads anyway. So I'm much more inclined to suspect your mind is sabotaging you, not your body. And the good news is that's more easily remedied!
Anyone would get tired of endlessly repeating the same cycle and never getting anywhere. So you need to change your cycle! That's where some of the specifics I mentioned above would come in handy. Have you ever tried just maintaining that weight for awhile? Have you ever tried at that weight to temporarily shift your focus to another goal entirely like taking up a new sport or participating in a race or an event? You claim you've tried 'everything' in sort of a big dramatic way. Maybe you need to just quietly and somewhat stoically stick to one or two things for a longer time. Consistency and routine are powerful. If this weight is indeed 'overweight' by objective standards how do you suddenly become drained of all energy and ravenously hungry at this one magic place on the scale? Something doesn't add up. Only you know the hidden math. Figure it out. Stay curious.
Fall down 27 times, get up 28. You only have to do this one better once.

SnackHips

Thank you. I have suspected something psychological but can't figure out why or what. I use to suffer from depression and anxiety, but I'm medicated for that now and it has helped a lot. The weight thing has still been an issue though. I brought it up to my counselor a few times, but he is one of those super fit (always been fit) people and says it is just willpower. It seems like if this was just a willpower issue I wouldn't lose any weight at all. I don't have a problem eating well and working out. The problem is getting past that wall. ugh. Very frustrating.

SnackHips

scolaris wrote: »

So specifically what are we talking about here? What is your height? What is your age? What is the weight range at which you stall? Do you know your actual body fat percentage? This is all very vague.
I understand you are exasperated. I detect some hyperbole but I get it, you've tried lots of approaches. You haven't yet cracked the case. That doesn't mean you won't.
I do take issue with your claim that you gain it all back in a few days. Just nope. It doesn't work that way. Water weight? Sure. But you can't regain lost fat in a matter of days. It's impossible. And your body isn't 'fighting you.' Please. There's no little berserk inner race car driver in your body just gunning the appetite motor to mow you down. Most of us keep our little berserk inner race car drivers in our heads anyway. So I'm much more inclined to suspect your mind is sabotaging you, not your body. And the good news is that's more easily remedied!
Anyone would get tired of endlessly repeating the same cycle and never getting anywhere. So you need to change your cycle! That's where some of the specifics I mentioned above would come in handy. Have you ever tried just maintaining that weight for awhile? Have you ever tried at that weight to temporarily shift your focus to another goal entirely like taking up a new sport or participating in a race or an event? You claim you've tried 'everything' in sort of a big dramatic way. Maybe you need to just quietly and somewhat stoically stick to one or two things for a longer time. Consistency and routine are powerful. If this weight is indeed 'overweight' by objective standards how do you suddenly become drained of all energy and ravenously hungry at this one magic place on the scale? Something doesn't add up. Only you know the hidden math. Figure it out. Stay curious.
Fall down 27 times, get up 28. You only have to do this one better once.

Yea, I get that it doesn't make sense. I'm 5'1". I have "maintained" 150lbs for about 5 years now. That includes a pregnancy where I went up to 165 and was back at 150 a week after the birth. I get up to 160 when things are bad. I workout and eat right for weeks/months and right around 150 the switch flips. I track my activity and body fat with fitbit. On a typical day of just living life I will get 6-10k steps. When I pay attention and try to be more active it is around 10-15k steps averaged. My bf has been anywhere between 30 and 37 % over the years I have been doing this. I had a scale that tracked water weight too, but it recently broke.

On a typical day of not caring what I eat or how much of it I will eat between 1500 and 1900 calories. When I pay attention and focus I will keep it between 1200 and 1500.

So...me not trying at all equals: As much as 1900 calories a day and as little as 6k steps a day. My body fat and weight stay the same at this pace. I always drink a lot of water..just as a side note.

When I hit the "wall" and no I don't look at the scale every time and say "150lbs, time to screw stuff up" but I do recognize how my clothes fit and my general body shape that seems to correlate with the general weight range. My steps will average 1k-3k and I will be severely fatigued. I will eat as much as 5k calories. My bf and weight will be back up as much as 8-10lbs in less than a week. I'm sure there is water weight in there somewhere, but not enough to fully account for all of it. Or explain the fact that it takes me another 3-8 weeks to return to the starting point.

That is "great" if it is all in my head. Doesn't quite help though.

Pathmonkey

Do I hear ya on this one! Good new is that you are fully aware of the problems and the fact that you do have a wall. At very least you're not deluding yourself by saying "I'm doing everything right". That's half the battle! Anxiety and depression tend to release cortisol....the lovely weight gain chemical our body releases when under stress. That can be beaten with exercise, therapy, and a total new mindset. Try this and see if it works: get mad at it (not you), tell yourself that you're stronger than all the problems put together and that you're going to start fresh working on that damned wall by climbing it slowly. Your 'ladder' will be every step you take towards a happier and more relaxed you. Continue to seek help with the depression and anxiety, that is what is most likely holding you back. Set a new goal and try again.... never giving up.... get mad at it, not sad. Much luck!

SnackHips

Pathmonkey wrote: »

Do I hear ya on this one! Good new is that you are fully aware of the problems and the fact that you do have a wall. At very least you're not deluding yourself by saying "I'm doing everything right". That's half the battle! Anxiety and depression tend to release cortisol....the lovely weight gain chemical our body releases when under stress. That can be beaten with exercise, therapy, and a total new mindset. Try this and see if it works: get mad at it (not you), tell yourself that you're stronger than all the problems put together and that you're going to start fresh working on that damned wall by climbing it slowly. Your 'ladder' will be every step you take towards a happier and more relaxed you. Continue to seek help with the depression and anxiety, that is what is most likely holding you back. Set a new goal and try again.... never giving up.... get mad at it, not sad. Much luck!

Thank you. I do need a mental reset. I hate coming on here because it is embarrassing to admit how poor I am at all of this. I appreciate the lack of judgment.

Pathmonkey

Sorry my quote thingy isn't working.... never and I mean NEVER feel embarrassment... we are all here for you... always! Hang in and message any time you like.... go get mad now LOL

Pathmonkey

P.S. you're not poor at it, just having a momentary struggle

perkymommy

I had the same exact thing happening the last few times I tried to lose weight. I started at 150 and would make it to 135 every.single.time without fail and then fall off the wagon and before I knew it I'd be back in the 145-150 weight range. I got out of that rut by pushing myself through it. When I got down to 135 this last time I felt it was going to happen again but pushed through it. I limited certain foods more around that weight range and finally made it to 130 and I'm not looking back.

You can do this! For me it was all about willpower and how much did I want it this time! This is a lifestyle change and not a fad so take it easy but push yourself when you get to that point where you want to revert back. Most days I'm really relaxed with this weight loss game and other days I have to be very hard on myself to get myself through. Just take it day by day, pound by pound and meal by meal.

Feel free to add me as a friend!

amusedmonkey

Have you tried a different strategy? Like reaching the weight you usually do, then focusing on maintaining? I mean that's gotta be less frustrating than regaining and doing it all over again. You never know, you may at some point want to go back to dieting, and at that point you would be mentally rested and already have a lower base to start from. As a plus, you will have learned some maintenance strategies and skills which are very important! It would give you a great advantage when you reach your next "wall" to then maintain at that weight, and ultimately at your goal weight. You basically need to tell yourself "as long as I'm not gaining, I'm doing well" even if it takes years. If anything, your perseverance despite the hiccups shows how strong you are and how much you are capable of.

CorneliusPhoton

It takes a long time to gain fat, just as it takes a long time to lose it; so as far as your weight "shooting up" after only a few days of overeating and inactivity, you are only seeing water weight. You haven't lost everything you have worked for -- assuming that you have been losing weight at a healthy pace! Are you? 1 lb per week is very sustainable.

Give yourself a break for one week and then GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK. Drink your water. Stop focusing on the imaginary wall (you are setting yourself up for, and expecting a problem, and fulfilling your expectations) and focus more on maintaining activity and eating clean in the long run. You can do this.

SnackHips

Thanks everyone. trying a new approach. Going to try not to stress about it. Even if it takes 5 more years. Haha

scolaris

Yes! That's the attitude! I'm back to check in on you. You've really gotten lots of great advice here. I'm not warm and fuzzy in writing, but rest assured I'm NOT judging you. This is what makes the forensics of weight loss so fascinating. This isn't just 'in your head' but your head is probably having something to do with your outcomes.
By all means give it longer. And yes you will have to be meaner than the meanest, most negative thought in your head because that's how you kick that terrible self-talk to the curb. At 5'1" you're probably right that 150 is on the high side but keep in mind you may be a beautiful 137 or 140. The BMI tables don't apply to every body.
Maybe look at a 3 year horizon. What if you created a cut, maintenance & fitness plan for three 12 month periods that focused on you getting 15 lbs lighter in 5 lb annual increments? There's no one right way to do this. Maybe you just need to add fabric and work on the long game.
I wish you so much goodness. xo

SnackHips

That is also great advice. Thank you. It gets so easy to want results faster and beat myself up.

LKArgh

SnackHips wrote: »

Thank you. I have suspected something psychological but can't figure out why or what. I use to suffer from depression and anxiety, but I'm medicated for that now and it has helped a lot. The weight thing has still been an issue though. I brought it up to my counselor a few times, but he is one of those super fit (always been fit) people and says it is just willpower. It seems like if this was just a willpower issue I wouldn't lose any weight at all. I don't have a problem eating well and working out. The problem is getting past that wall. ugh. Very frustrating.

Your therapist does sound right partially. It is about willpower not to lose the weight, but also to maintain the weight loss. A weightloss approach that you see just as a short-term effort, or that is so aggressive and restricitive that is not sustainable, it cannot be transformed to maintenance. Focus on smaller changes, but sustainable ones. Like, look for ways to up your physical activity, on the long run. Something that you like, not something that burns the most calories. Look for recipes to make your favourite foods lower calorie, even a little bit, do not lose weight eating foods you cannot see yourself eating for life.

lemonychild

Guess that's s choice you consciously made

Francl27

Does the ravenous part coincide with PMS, by any chance? It's what happened to me... I eat more before my period and the scale shoots up, but it's completely normal to gain weight before your cycle...

The key really is to take it one day at a time and not give up. You keep doing your workouts, you avoid 'empty' calories as much as possible (bread and other things like that that don't fill you up for the calories) and you still try again the next day. Eventually there's one day when you're not hungry.. so don't waste it... Weight fluctuations are completely normal... you just can't let yourself use it as an excuse to give up.

MelodyandBarbells

Regarding 5K per day, especially if it's not an isolated event but rather ongoing, for, say, a week - be explicit about this with your therapist and ask for tools to help you figure this out. If he still cannot help, you may need a recommendation to work with someone else. I have the occasional blow out day, but if I'm home (I do poorly when I'm traveling), persistent super high calorie days is not typical. Granted, that is me, but it sounds like you do not find that behavior to be normal or productive, either. It's undoing your efforts and I imagine taking a toll on you mentally

BKENY

So, I'm scrolling through your blog reading your comments and the others, and I must say, you have given me hope.

JustMissTracy

Someone important (evades me) said something like "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

smit7633

That seems like a lot of calories for someone who is 5'1" you might need to do some research to understand how many calories you really need

eldamiano

Pull yourself together....

TechOutside

I have fought body issues as a man all my life. It's never been good enough, I'm never fighting hard enough. Just never enough.. ever.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be Brad Pitt, Mark Wahlburg, or Vin Diesel.. Ever. No matter what I do I will never look like them, it is impossible, but really why would I want to look like someone else, when I am ME?

What I can be is the very best version of me that I can be. If that means that I miss a few workouts, or eat more than I wanted, or fluctuate with my weight, food, and workouts, then it's fine as long as I get back on the horse. I am doing this for the best version of me that "I" can. If I had people making my meals, watching my kids, training me on my workouts, then I could come close to Vin Diesel, But I don't have any of those things.

Do it for your health, and know that there will be roadblocks, lots of them, that will try to get in the way, but as a lifestyle choice you can continue to work to be the best version of you.

There isn't anyone who can give 100% ,100% of the time, over the long haul. Something has to give and you are the only one that can get back into the fight and measure what is good enough for you.

SnackHips

Update. Thanks everyone. I did a lot of "soul searching" on this one. It was definitely mental. I grew up poor and often didn't have food. I never thought about how that effected me as an adult. When I hit my mid-twenties the weight started to pile on. So I have been thinking about it and I think the childhood thing contributed to feeling very emotionally disturbed by hunger. Intense anxiety, depression, etc. And only knowing to eat high carb sugary foods until I'm stuffed to stop it. I'm working with my counselor now. I will update again in a month or so. Hoping for real progress.

Pathmonkey

SnackHips wrote: »

Update. Thanks everyone. I did a lot of "soul searching" on this one. It was definitely mental. I grew up poor and often didn't have food. I never thought about how that effected me as an adult. When I hit my mid-twenties the weight started to pile on. So I have been thinking about it and I think the childhood thing contributed to feeling very emotionally disturbed by hunger. Intense anxiety, depression, etc. And only knowing to eat high carb sugary foods until I'm stuffed to stop it. I'm working with my counselor now. I will update again in a month or so. Hoping for real progress.

Please do update, we care! Add me and feel free to reach out anytime. Pulling for you!

TNFirefly

I'm so glad you have figured it out. I am writing because I have a similar issue, and have also figured out some things that are changing the way I think about this one. Although for me, I have been wavering between 430-470 pounds, so it's a bit of a different neighborhood, but the same issue. I will start to lose weight, get to that point where people notice it, then flip out and spike back up over 460. I see my progress graph and it looks like a city skyline - downward sloping then spiking up. my mother was a sociopathic narcissist and there are more childhood body related traumas than I will discuss but they are all tied up into this. I am having to constantly check in and figure out what is real, and what is just old fear running amok. I laughed when I watched the last Hunger Games, when they started going over the list of what is and what isn't real. It is a pretty useful tool for PTSD and dealing with old history issues that come into current life. I have been under 430 now for a couple weeks, which is a record, and find that I am ready and able to keep losing. I have a goal in mind that is nice and long and slow, and I don't scream at myself anymore when I don't wake up skinny. Those thoughts come in and I do begin to rage at myself for letting it get this bad, but then I go back to what is real. I have a plan. I am working the plan. The plan has me losing about 10 pounds a month and when I do that I will be 200 pounds by the end of March 2018 when I graduate college. I think about walking at graduation, not fearing the platform steps, not fearing the plane ride to get there, not fearing a special order 10x gown to wear. Then I recognize that I am on track for that goal, and have a wonderful future ahead where I can help people change their own futures. This thing we are doing here - this getting healthy. This is a good thing, and an exciting thing. We have to dig deep and find things out about ourselves, because we got this weight on for a reason. finding out that those reasons are no longer applicable in our current lives for our current selves is like finding a key that unlocks a door.

CorneliusPhoton

TNFirefly wrote: »

I have a plan. I am working the plan. ...We have to dig deep and find things out about ourselves, because we got this weight on for a reason. finding out that those reasons are no longer applicable in our current lives for our current selves is like finding a key that unlocks a door.

This really resonated with me. Similar to your 'things that are no longer applicable to our current selves' idea, I am telling myself that I am no longer the person who supports my starting weight. And by "support" I mean act like and eat like. I am now a person who supports myself *at* my goal weight-- I have an exercise regimen that I do regularly and I am logging it in a notebook. I want to show the notebook to my doctor when I see him next month, so I guess that is helping to keep me accountable. I am pretty good at keeping my calorie load where it needs to be, even though I have become slack at actually logging it lately. Weekends are tough because the husband and daughter want to have pig-out fests, but I am finding that I can eat less, even make some better choices, even on the weekends, because of this new way of thinking. I feel like I have unlocked the door, but am worried about how long it will stay open. MFP has helped. Reading motivational stories helps. Watching the scale move helps. Feeling better in my clothes helps. The ultimate goal is not only to unlock the door, but step through, slam the door and lock it from the other side as Future Me!

You can do this. Vigilance every day. Move every day!

scolaris

Snack hips! That's amazing! Thank you for coming back! Please do update periodically.
I have some baggage around weight too. Don't we all? Beyond just eating and fussing with my family's food for comfort, I realized that I kind of liked feeling covered up & safe in a layer of fat as a wife & mom because when I was very slim I always attracted so much sexual attention and I engaged in some sexual excesses that I'm certainly not proud of now. It's really helpful to air that stuff out. It definitely starts to take the wind out out of those sails. Best wishes to you. xoxo

SnackHips

I made it into the 140's and "relapsed" to my highest weight. Still struggling. My doctor added more anti-depressants/anxiety medication. She said our body will fight us sometimes as it is use to a certain weight. I wish they would give me something to take the weight off and my stupid body could get use to THAT weight. On the bright side, I am very happy. I get 15-20k steps a day and have started kayaking and hiking. I eat overnight oatmeal for breakfast, a delicious cabbage salad for lunch, a piece of fruit and nut butter for snack, and a home-made dinner that is usually chicken/fish vegetables and sweet potato. So back to my original assumption...I will be fat forever. lol At least I am enjoying life now and bought cute clothes despite not being my "ideal" size. Thanks again for the comments.