I am controlling my boyfriend? Advice needed!

beckadaisy

Hey guys!

I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.

My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.

This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?

SarahsFitMess

You can't force a change in him. He will only change his lifestyle if he wants to. You trying to force a change in him comes off as you loving him conditionally.

DearestWinter

Agreed with PP. It sounds like you're mostly doing things right by trying to get him to be active. You're aware that you're not doing the right thing by making negative comments.

You can't change someone. You can accept him or leave him. You say you love him and feel you've got a fat phobia - can you reconcile that him having a higher BMI may just be the price of admission for having that love?

I would see a therapist about the fat phobia and also how to deal with situations when you feel the need to make hurtful comments. Yet if your bf continues down this path then maybe you two just aren't compatible, and not due to his weight but due to his approach to life when it comes to drinking too much and overeating.

ninerbuff

An issue most guys WON'T say to their SO's is that they are being overbearing in fear of hurting their feelings. If he's truly interested, he'll do what he needs to do to lose weight. Don't hound him about it.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

beckadaisy

Thanks for the advice, guys!

Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.

I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah

PixelPuff

If his gaining weight is affecting your attraction to him, it is admittedly a bit of a problem you two need to talk out together. While love is unconditional, many people have limits when it comes to other things - sometimes they don't discover them until it happens.

LKArgh

beckadaisy wrote: »

Hey guys!

I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.

My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.

This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?

This is something you need to decide. There is a very good chance, this is who your boyfriend is: a guy whose lifestyle is and will remain sedentary and who will be always overweight and obese. There is no reason to think this will change if this is how he has been during your relationship. Are you ok with this? If you two are not compatible in lifestyle, is there something else connecting you? Are you attracted to him? Can you see yourself with him for years to come, with him being exactly as he is now? Loving the same things and being attracted to each other are both needed in a relationship. Do not think of ways to change him. Ask yourself if you can be happy with how he is. If not, time to go your separate ways.

LKArgh

Just realised how young you are, so this is not a long term relationship yet. If you are angry and need therapy to deal with a boyfriend at 20, just break up. No second thoughts. Not the end of the world.

snowflake954

When you love someone, it is for fat or thin. Nothing garantees that the person you're with won't gain weight, get sick, etc. You can try to include them in your activities, but that's all. He may be doing a passive-agressive knowing you don't like him overweight. You have to resolve this issue for yourself so you can go head and have a life with someone.

distinctlybeautiful

I wonder what's behind this fat phobia - or, not behind it, because you mentioned your parents. It sounds like that's where it's stemmed from, but do you know exactly what it is that puts you off? That he doesn't make the effort to take care of himself? That you're afraid for his health? That you don't find him as attractive anymore? That you want someone to share your active, healthful lifestyle with? I guess I'm thinking that maybe if you figure out what it is that bothers you, you might be better able to decide how to move forward. I'd definitely suggest bringing it up with your therapist, especially because it's starting to have some detrimental physical effects.

drpsamin

You have to love him for who he is... You can't force someone to lose weight, they r gonna want to do it themselves.

LKArgh

OP, what is "excessive" drinking? Because you might have more serious issues than him being obese.

Pathmonkey

The fat phobia (understandable) maybe brought on by your bf's lack of effort, however you might want to consider why it bothers you so much (possibly cause actual fear). Could you be worrying that eventually his lack of effort may cause you to backslide and you'll end up obese... like mom & dad? Maybe that's why you're pushing him so hard? You may feel determined for your own BMI but underneath fear losing control and giving into the temptation your boyfriend freely does? Food for thought (excuse the pun). As for excessive drinking..... no excuse for that, you have a decision to make on this matter. What is excessive today can easily turn to alcoholism later.... something you definitely don't want to be part of, no matter how much you love him! Much luck!

LKArgh

beckadaisy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, guys!

Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.

I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah

May I ask why you think you have a "phobia"? Not being attracted or even being disgusted by a fat body (or a too thin body, or a hairy person etc) is normal. Not everyone has the same preferences.

TechOutside

A couple things. You are so young, you shouldn't have to sweat this one, no kids (?), no home, and no long term investment. Either he is with you and your lifestyle or he is not.

Most guys aren't as sensitive as women, it is a fact. Our feelings aren't hurt as quickly so tell him straight out what you want, plain and simple, no beating around the bush. Don't crush his spirit, but be firm and decisive. (It's more attractive anyway) Be prepared however to hear exactly what he wants in return, just remember that the "Perfect partner" doesn't exist. We can come close, but there will always be some things that you will have to accept. (As I am certain he is accepting with you). If you are the very best girlfriend in the world, then you should demand the same... If you are not, then you could probably remeasure his faults in comparison.

It is confusing to most guys when a woman gets upset over the petty things, primarily when it's really about something entirely different than she is upset about. Just as guys need to remember to be more sensitive and indirect about certain subjects, women need to remember that they need to be more direct and to the point. We both have our crap that we have to work with and regardless what society wants us to believe, most of us are distinctly different animals of the same species with different methods of dealing with issues.

I wish you luck, but really, you haven't invested huge amounts of capital in this yet, be selective, but also be realistic. What are you willing to live the rest of your life with, and what are you unable to?

Once you have spent your youth finding your compatible partner, you will be more prepared to say, "through sickness and health, to death do us part".. and really mean it.

DYELB

You are 20 years old.

snowflake930

You can not control what someone else does.
If you have a fat phobia, that is something you have to deal with in your relationships. It is a prejudice like any other.

P.S. How would you take it if the situation were reversed?

snowflake954

TechOutside wrote: »

A couple things. You are so young, you shouldn't have to sweat this one, no kids (?), no home, and no long term investment. Either he is with you and your lifestyle or he is not.

Most guys aren't as sensitive as women, it is a fact. Our feelings aren't hurt as quickly so tell him straight out what you want, plain and simple, no beating around the bush. Don't crush his spirit, but be firm and decisive. (It's more attractive anyway) Be prepared however to hear exactly what he wants in return, just remember that the "Perfect partner" doesn't exist. We can come close, but there will always be some things that you will have to accept. (As I am certain he is accepting with you). If you are the very best girlfriend in the world, then you should demand the same... If you are not, then you could probably remeasure his faults in comparison.

It is confusing to most guys when a woman gets upset over the petty things, primarily when it's really about something entirely different than she is upset about. Just as guys need to remember to be more sensitive and indirect about certain subjects, women need to remember that they need to be more direct and to the point. We both have our crap that we have to work with and regardless what society wants us to believe, most of us are distinctly different animals of the same species with different methods of dealing with issues.

I wish you luck, but really, you haven't invested huge amounts of capital in this yet, be selective, but also be realistic. What are you willing to live the rest of your life with, and what are you unable to?

Once you have spent your youth finding your compatible partner, you will be more prepared to say, "through sickness and health, to death do us part".. and really mean it.

I like this post. As someone who's been married for 30 yrs, it brings up some essential points.

SKILL22

best advice - Don't control your boyfriend. Won't get you anywhere in your relationship. Perhaps encourage and motivate him through your own lifestyle.

Lounmoun

beckadaisy wrote: »

Hey guys!

I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.

My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.

This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?

First- Work on your fat phobia with your therapist. You are very concerned about weight even though you are a healthy weight. You are viewing people you love as disgusting because of their size. You may not be the healthiest mentally right now to guide someone in a healthy weight loss journey if you are ultra judgemental about food choices and view their weight as disgusting.

Second- You can't force people to change. You can bring up concerns about health but people have to decide things like this for themselves. It really is out of your control. (Maybe bring that up in therapy too)
How does your boyfriend feel about his weight and lifestyle? Does he feel his weight is a problem? How long has he been overweight? Does he have depression or a bonifide drinking problem? Point him to MFP and his doctor and work on your own stuff. If you have different goals and values in life this just may not be a long term relationship. He may always Eat and drink to excess or maybe he won't. Can you live with that person either way?
I've been married 16 years. Our bodies have changed. Neither of us look like we did in our 20's. We both gained weight. Dh was never obese. I did cross that line. It did not affect how we felt about each other. Dh told me he loved me at any size and he wanted me to be healthy and happy with myself. We have both lost weight and are healthier. It wasn't a requirement to love each other that we change.

eldamiano

Should be ashamed....

tiffanylacourse

My husband is 6'0"-ish and goes between 195 and 210lbs and he looks great. I don't care what the BMI says - he is a sexy beast!

If you only like your bf for the way he looks, IMO you're a bit too shallow. What will you do when he's old and gray with a beer belly? If you love someone, you love them, not their looks.

#SorryNotSorry

pensierobello

Wow. 6'0 and 210 and 28 on the BMI scale is not big. You have some issues, I suspect. Controlling anyone in that way and making hurtful comments is not a good thing. Get some counselling!

DearestWinter

beckadaisy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, guys!

Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.

I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah

I'm glad to hear about the therapist and yes, bring up the fat phobia. It sounds like it's impacting your health in addition to your relationship. It's fine to have your preferences and not be attracted to very heavy people (or very skinny people, etc.) but your tendency to compensate by losing weight yourself sounds pretty dangerous.

And figure out the root of those harsh comments, that's something you want to address early on so your relationship (and possible future relationships) can be healthier. I also agree with PPs that if he's drinking a lot that's likely a bigger problem than his weight. Are we talking one beer with dinner each day? Is he binge drinking every weekend? I'm assuming he's around your age so some experimentation is normal but you've got to evaluate the situation and see if it's what you want/need in your life at this point. It's okay to decide you're not compatible.

As for people commenting that a BMI of 28 isn't big ... this depends on information we don't have. If he has a low bf % then you're right, he's probably looking good and OP is dwelling too much on a meaningless number. If he's got a high bf % then he may look heavy. Also I don't think OP's shallow for wanting a partner who isn't overweight. Accepting age, wrinkles, sagging, and a few extra pounds may be something that comes with long term relationships. But OP is 20. OP's bf shouldn't already be in a physical decline that comes with age/time. And suggesting her lack of acceptance of his weight is indicative of her being callous in the future is ridiculous.

snowflake930

There is kind of a history of callousness for the OP, referring to her parents as disgusting to her.
And she isn't married to her BF, so no lasting commitment if she finds him unacceptable.
Being young is not an excuse for prejudice.

robs_ready

If my girlfriend forced me to go yoga I'd feel pretty *kitten* about myself as well.

You can't force him to do anything, especially yoga.

BroScience83

i say.... lol

BroScience83

6 foot and 210lbs and fat? i remember when i was 210lbs...

BroScience83

im obese too! according to the smart people...you knew who he was when you met him and now you wanna change him.....typical

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

OK, I had to take a breath before responding because OPs attitude towards her parents is disgusting to me. But....she's being honest and asking for advice so here goes:
OP, you cannot make your boyfriend do what you want. In fact the more you push, the more likely he is to back away from you which might actually be the best thing anyways. If his appearance is a deal breaker for you, that's okay. Just cut him loose now.

BroScience83

is that your bf in the pic with you? or you just on your way over to Micheal Vicks house?