I am controlling my boyfriend? Advice needed!
Replies
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beckadaisy wrote: »Thanks for the advice, guys!
Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.
I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah
If you don't already have enough invested in the relationship to work through this, break up. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy, he deserves to be with somebody who doesn't pick fights with him because of his weight. It sounds like you aren't those people for each other.0 -
'come on rob I'm making you do yoga'
Me: 'this relationship ain't working'0 -
Should be ashamed....
@eldamiano So should you be. Posting just to make a negative, unhelpful comment. Awesome.0 -
robs_ready wrote: »'come on rob I'm making you do yoga'
Me: 'this relationship ain't working'
^ This.
I have some advice for OP's boyfriend but OP wouldn't like it.
ETA: to answer your question, yes, yes you are controlling your boyfriend.0 -
Your post title seems inaccurate. Given he's not losing weight, no, you're not controlling him, and that seems to be what's bothering you.0
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SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage wrote: »
I stand corrected!0 -
beckadaisy wrote: »Hey guys!
I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.
My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.
This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?
- YES.beckadaisy wrote: »Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle?
You have two choices, accept that this is how he wants to be, or leave. Now, don't just get up and leave, talk to him about it. And I don't mean nag him, or threaten him (ie you have to eat like me or I'll leave), but an honest 100% talk about how you're feeling and that it's driving you away from him. If you're not attracted to him, tell him that and ask him what he thinks you guys should do about it. Maybe you're better off as friends if you both have different lifestyles. You can't control what he eats or how much, what exercise he does etc. That isn't love, that's being controlling and it will only drive him away from you or resent you.
A relationship is about picking and choosing your battles. You need to think about this. Not a lot of guys are going to switch from eating a meat lovers diet to Vegan either.. and when you narrow it down to "really fit guys who are also vegan" your dating pool is getting smaller. So what's more important to you? And I'm not judging you, that's an honest question, everyone is different.
You're both adults and neither of you can control the other one.0 -
Your parents are "disgusting", you try to change your boyfriend and if he does not want to jump when you say so, you make "hurtful comments".....
I thing you are the problem....You sound like a spoiled brat, stop judging others and start looking at your own behaviour.....0 -
nothing on the Mike Vic comment?.......you guys are lame
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I don't understand the question mark in the title.0
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I'm glad to read that you are in counseling. It sounds like a good move for you.
I would tend to agree with the folks who've said that you two do not seem like a good match. I understand wanting a guy who shares your values, whether that means fitness goals or going out drinking goals or playing Scrabble goals. But that means find a guy who shares your goals, don't try to make a guy who shares your goals. And if you think you found that guy but after a few months it turns out it's not him...move on. That's why you date people before marrying them or committing long term, to get to know each other when, as the Dixie Chicks say, "there ain't no rings, no mortgage, there ain't any complications."0 -
BroScience83 wrote: »nothing on the Mike Vic comment?.......you guys are lame
You mean besides the fact that it was totally uncalled for?
OP, LOVE the pic of your dog in your avatar! So cute.0 -
Good you are in therapy.
If the things you find enjoyable aren't fun for him, you can't expect him to just do them. "Jump when you say so."
6ft at 210 seems healthy to me.
Don't say hurtful things to him, I disagree that men are less sensitive, it is not nice to call him names or say mean things to him, especially because you have problems with weight.
If my husband said rude things to me about my weight, I would feel horrible.
You want so bad not to be like your parents, but he doesn't deserve to be treated badly.0 -
As someone who was previously in a relationship with someone who was critical and made comments like you make...
It's mean, it's hurtful, and it's 100% YOUR ISSUE, not his. My ex made me feel sloppy and unattractive at a SIZE 2. I was in no way fat, or unattractive but he wrecked my confidence completely. I went from a confident, happy woman to someone who wore baggy clothes and stopped wearing a swimsuit or shorts. It took me years to reverse that mindset, and I'm still not 100% recovered. I've had people tell me how amazing I look, and my gut reaction is still to focus on all my flaws.
It's okay to want the person you're with to be healthy. It is NOT OKAY to belittle them, or make snide comments - regardless of weight, looks, or personal choices. If you're not okay with how he looks, end it now.
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Treat people how you want to be treated.....0
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beckadaisy wrote: »Hey guys!
I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.
My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.
This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?
If you're saying things like the bolded, YOU are 1) definitely going to affect HIS self esteem and 2) more than likely damaging your relationship. I get caring about others' health, but their health is theirs alone.
I suggest taking care of yourself, and letting him take care of himself. My doctors words on the subject years ago were "lead by example."
Some compassion can go a long way too.0 -
OP what "if" sometime down the line you gain weight and he loses weight and he said the very same thing to you?....think about that.
And far as the comment about your parents, smh on that one.
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snowflake930 wrote: »You can not control what someone else does.
If you have a fat phobia, that is something you have to deal with in your relationships. It is a prejudice like any other.
P.S. How would you take it if the situation were reversed?
Exactly!0 -
beckadaisy wrote: »Thanks for the advice, guys!
Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.
I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah
It sounds like your problem has less to do with him than it does with your own head.0 -
BroScience83 wrote: »nothing on the Mike Vic comment?.......you guys are lame
You mean besides the fact that it was totally uncalled for?
OP, LOVE the pic of your dog in your avatar! So cute.
lol0 -
Omg at 6'0 210lbs is not fat at all girl you have issues.0 -
Worst kind of people are the people who try to change you, would hate that if my gf did that. Makes you feel like your not good enough and then it just goes downhill, maybe make suggestions but not make him.0
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Guys, if you are just going to harass her instead of commenting to give advice, even if your advice is just "maybe it is time to rethink the relationship", gtfo. She came for actual advice because she knows what she is feeling is off. No need to be dicks to her about it, seriously. If your special other were slowly ballooning in weight and it was affecting your attraction to them, would you not want to ask for help on finding a way to talk to them about the situation to make it as gentle as possible? Would you rather be quiet as they slowly crawled to an unhealthy weight where nothing but health problems awaited them? How many of you are as perfect as you are making yourselves to be, with your answers to her? :l I agree with many that there is an underlying issue, but you feel what you feel, and it doesn't stop the fact that he is indeed binging and likely gaining weight. Which either way, is a bad sign that he needs someone to talk HIS OWN issues through with.
Seriously. e .e1 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty0
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If you must talk about weight, I think it would sound more honest to say that you are attracted to fit guys than to use a fat phobia as an excuse. I would not bring up his weight at all.0
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Guys, if you are just going to harass her instead of commenting to give advice, even if your advice is just "maybe it is time to rethink the relationship", gtfo. She came for actual advice because she knows what she is feeling is off. No need to be dicks to her about it, seriously. If your special other were slowly ballooning in weight and it was affecting your attraction to them, would you not want to ask for help on finding a way to talk to them about the situation to make it as gentle as possible? Would you rather be quiet as they slowly crawled to an unhealthy weight where nothing but health problems awaited them? How many of you are as perfect as you are making yourselves to be, with your answers to her? :l I agree with many that there is an underlying issue, but you feel what you feel, and it doesn't stop the fact that he is indeed binging and likely gaining weight. Which either way, is a bad sign that he needs someone to talk HIS OWN issues through with.
Seriously. e .e
Some of the comments are not helpful I agree however referring to people as disgusting and making belittling comments is in no way helpful to anyone. Depending on the severity of the comments it could verge on verbal abuse. Talking to someone and bringing up your consents in a calm and understanding environment is completely different. I do agree it's HIS issue not HERS so her hurtful comments aren't doing him any good.
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6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
Well, he IS beginning to near obese. Which means his health will soon be impacted. Many of us here have straddled the line of obese [was a good few pounds into being obese myself], and it is shocking how quick health begins to decline. I was 5'2, 200lbs, and my heart was beginning to screw up pretty bad.0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
Well, he IS beginning to near obese. Which means his health will soon be impacted. Many of us here have straddled the line of obese [was a good few pounds into being obese myself], and it is shocking how quick health begins to decline. I was 5'2, 200lbs, and my heart was beginning to screw up pretty bad.
He's a male and has 10 inches on you. I doubt his heart will have trouble keeping up for another 100-ish pounds. Besides, he's an adult. His problem. He certainly doesn't deserve to be potentially verbally abused for it. I mean I get this is meant to be a "safe place" and the OP was just seeking help and feedback, but imagine being her parents and reading this0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
Well, he IS beginning to near obese. Which means his health will soon be impacted. Many of us here have straddled the line of obese [was a good few pounds into being obese myself], and it is shocking how quick health begins to decline. I was 5'2, 200lbs, and my heart was beginning to screw up pretty bad.
He's a male and has 10 inches on you. I doubt his heart will have trouble keeping up for another 100-ish pounds. Besides, he's an adult. His problem. He certainly doesn't deserve to be potentially verbally abused for it. I mean I get this is meant to be a "safe place" and the OP was just seeking help and feedback, but imagine being her parents and reading this
Was more talking about BMI - it took getting closer to 'normal' BMI for me to go back to normal, but I was having issues before and around hitting obese. He isn't that far away from obese. While it is his problem, his health also affects his supposed loved ones. I agree he doesn't deserve to be verbally abused, but people have lashed out so hard at OP, we don't even know how it actually goes in their life. People assumed the worst outright when things may have even been badly worded.
And know what?
I don't even care how she described her parents. My friends do things that disgust me. Do I love them any less? No. But does that mean I want them to begin showering? Yes. We don't know what point of health or obesity they got to - for all we know, they've hit the point where bacteria is infesting fat folds to the point they have yeast infections in them. Which actually IS a thing. I'm looking at the big picture on this one, putting myself in OPs shoes. Would I get disgusted with my parents if they hit that point of obesity there such issues are inevitable? Yes. Yes, I would. Still love them, but would get quite disgusted.
Everyone is riding the mighty high horse, but they forget they likely do have people like this in their lives they feel towards, whether or not they want to admit it to themselves. She's asking for advice, she is even in therapy, outright said it [some of which he joins].
At this point, people need to go back to giving actual advice, or shut up on the slamming on her nonstop, harassing. That is the part that is bugging me the most, they are acting so bad themselves vs bashing her for verbal abuse we don't know happens. She said hurtful comments. We all do it, most of the time we don't even know - a small comment here that seems harmless to us damages another. For all we know, she didn't realize it was something hurtful until he brought it up with her. Her hurtful comment could even have been something along the lines of trying to talk about how she feels this is affecting their relationship. But everyone outright assumes she called him a Fatty McFatPants by their reactions. People are even nitpicking about her picking small fights over nothing... Which everyone does when they are annoyed. Every little small thing seems worse when you are already annoyed with something, it is what couples do when annoyed with the other for some reason. "WOULD YOU JUST STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN?" was one I've witnessed.
But OP ran, and I wouldn't have come back either to try and even explain myself, everyone rampaged hard.
Ranted, but this community is just atrocious sometimes in assuming things. Think big pictures and ALL possibilities, guys.0
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