I am controlling my boyfriend? Advice needed!

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  • tiffanylacourse
    tiffanylacourse Posts: 2,985 Member
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    My husband is 6'0"-ish and goes between 195 and 210lbs and he looks great. I don't care what the BMI says - he is a sexy beast!

    If you only like your bf for the way he looks, IMO you're a bit too shallow. What will you do when he's old and gray with a beer belly? If you love someone, you love them, not their looks.

    #SorryNotSorry
  • pensierobello
    pensierobello Posts: 285 Member
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    Wow. 6'0 and 210 and 28 on the BMI scale is not big. You have some issues, I suspect. Controlling anyone in that way and making hurtful comments is not a good thing. Get some counselling!
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
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    beckadaisy wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice, guys!

    Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.

    I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah

    I'm glad to hear about the therapist and yes, bring up the fat phobia. It sounds like it's impacting your health in addition to your relationship. It's fine to have your preferences and not be attracted to very heavy people (or very skinny people, etc.) but your tendency to compensate by losing weight yourself sounds pretty dangerous.

    And figure out the root of those harsh comments, that's something you want to address early on so your relationship (and possible future relationships) can be healthier. I also agree with PPs that if he's drinking a lot that's likely a bigger problem than his weight. Are we talking one beer with dinner each day? Is he binge drinking every weekend? I'm assuming he's around your age so some experimentation is normal but you've got to evaluate the situation and see if it's what you want/need in your life at this point. It's okay to decide you're not compatible.

    As for people commenting that a BMI of 28 isn't big ... this depends on information we don't have. If he has a low bf % then you're right, he's probably looking good and OP is dwelling too much on a meaningless number. If he's got a high bf % then he may look heavy. Also I don't think OP's shallow for wanting a partner who isn't overweight. Accepting age, wrinkles, sagging, and a few extra pounds may be something that comes with long term relationships. But OP is 20. OP's bf shouldn't already be in a physical decline that comes with age/time. And suggesting her lack of acceptance of his weight is indicative of her being callous in the future is ridiculous.
  • snowflake930
    snowflake930 Posts: 2,188 Member
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    There is kind of a history of callousness for the OP, referring to her parents as disgusting to her.
    And she isn't married to her BF, so no lasting commitment if she finds him unacceptable.
    Being young is not an excuse for prejudice.
  • robs_ready
    robs_ready Posts: 1,488 Member
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    If my girlfriend forced me to go yoga I'd feel pretty *kitten* about myself as well.

    You can't force him to do anything, especially yoga.
  • BroScience83
    BroScience83 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    i say.... lol
  • BroScience83
    BroScience83 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    6 foot and 210lbs and fat? i remember when i was 210lbs...
  • BroScience83
    BroScience83 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    im obese too! according to the smart people...you knew who he was when you met him and now you wanna change him.....typical
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,671 Member
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    OK, I had to take a breath before responding because OPs attitude towards her parents is disgusting to me. But....she's being honest and asking for advice so here goes:
    OP, you cannot make your boyfriend do what you want. In fact the more you push, the more likely he is to back away from you which might actually be the best thing anyways. If his appearance is a deal breaker for you, that's okay. Just cut him loose now.
  • BroScience83
    BroScience83 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    is that your bf in the pic with you? or you just on your way over to Micheal Vicks house?
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,970 Member
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    beckadaisy wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice, guys!

    Winter, I am worried about us just not being compatible. I am seeing a therapist and he actually joins me once in a while, which is nice. I haven't brought up the fat phobia so maybe I will next time and how that impacts our relationship. I find I'm picking fights with him over small things, but now I'm thinking it's connected to how I feel about his weight.

    I also feel like I am losing too much weight to compensate for him. I restrict more and exercise more when I see him overeating... Unfortunately that isn't good for both of us. Food for thought, more discussion for therapy hahah

    If you don't already have enough invested in the relationship to work through this, break up. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy, he deserves to be with somebody who doesn't pick fights with him because of his weight. It sounds like you aren't those people for each other.
  • robs_ready
    robs_ready Posts: 1,488 Member
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    'come on rob I'm making you do yoga'

    Me: 'this relationship ain't working'
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
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    eldamiano wrote: »
    Should be ashamed....

    @eldamiano So should you be. Posting just to make a negative, unhelpful comment. Awesome.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    edited April 2016
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    robs_ready wrote: »
    'come on rob I'm making you do yoga'

    Me: 'this relationship ain't working'

    ^ This.

    I have some advice for OP's boyfriend but OP wouldn't like it.

    ETA: to answer your question, yes, yes you are controlling your boyfriend.
  • senecarr
    senecarr Posts: 5,377 Member
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    Your post title seems inaccurate. Given he's not losing weight, no, you're not controlling him, and that seems to be what's bothering you.
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,671 Member
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    senecarr wrote: »
    Your post title seems inaccurate. Given he's not losing weight, no, you're not controlling him, and that seems to be what's bothering you.

    Oh snap!
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
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    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage wrote: »
    senecarr wrote: »
    Your post title seems inaccurate. Given he's not losing weight, no, you're not controlling him, and that seems to be what's bothering you.

    Oh snap!

    I stand corrected!
  • Sarahb29
    Sarahb29 Posts: 952 Member
    edited April 2016
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    beckadaisy wrote: »
    Hey guys!

    I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.

    My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.

    This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?
    beckadaisy wrote: »
    Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle?
    - YES.

    You have two choices, accept that this is how he wants to be, or leave. Now, don't just get up and leave, talk to him about it. And I don't mean nag him, or threaten him (ie you have to eat like me or I'll leave), but an honest 100% talk about how you're feeling and that it's driving you away from him. If you're not attracted to him, tell him that and ask him what he thinks you guys should do about it. Maybe you're better off as friends if you both have different lifestyles. You can't control what he eats or how much, what exercise he does etc. That isn't love, that's being controlling and it will only drive him away from you or resent you.

    A relationship is about picking and choosing your battles. You need to think about this. Not a lot of guys are going to switch from eating a meat lovers diet to Vegan either.. and when you narrow it down to "really fit guys who are also vegan" your dating pool is getting smaller. So what's more important to you? And I'm not judging you, that's an honest question, everyone is different.

    You're both adults and neither of you can control the other one.
  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,169 Member
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    Your parents are "disgusting", you try to change your boyfriend and if he does not want to jump when you say so, you make "hurtful comments".....
    I thing you are the problem....You sound like a spoiled brat, stop judging others and start looking at your own behaviour.....
  • BroScience83
    BroScience83 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    nothing on the Mike Vic comment?.......you guys are lame ;)

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