Anyone blow off an event due to embarrassment over weight?

mell4now

I have a bridal shower to go too in May, and wedding in July, but I'm considering opting out because I'm so ashamed of being seen by my family at my current weight. In 2014 I lost 35 lbs when I was pregnant and sick with nausea. After having the baby I felt much better and gained 60 lbs in 2015 making my weight just 5 lbs shy of my all time high of 230lbs. I am now pregnant again with my second, but even with the unrelenting nausea I only lost about 5 lbs. Nobody on that side of my family is overweight. (Nevermind obese) I used to think that it was just my imagination but... there is one family member whom I love dearly, (my grandmother) that always criticizes overweight people and really has a knack for indirectly causing me to feel inadequate and nearly worthless whenever she's around. Last time she struck directly though. It was thanksgiving 2014, I wasn't even near the weight I am now and when I went to give her a hug at thanksgiving she leaned in, grabbed my stomach and said " jiggle- jiggle -jiggle." I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried.

Just not sure I can go to this wedding being excessively hormonal, pregnant and as big as a house. I've been doing very well making a lot of healthy choices, and staying under 1500 lories a day but the weight just isn't budging this time Im also a high risk pregnancy and can not do anything at all strenuous without putting my pregnancy at risk. I realize that all eyes are going to be on the beautiful bride, but I just know that the overly obese guest is also quite the spectacle.

Gioeyebrow

Hunny if your pregnant the only thing people are gonna notice about you is a glow wamon arbeautiful when theyr pregnat i think people are just going to be happy to see you and that your ok and healthy

yesimpson

I think it would be a shame to miss out on important events like these because of weight.

bekkahdiltz

I am very much over weight and I know how you feel. I just don't let it bother me. Just go and be comfortable being yourself. If someone is going to judge you over your weight maybe they don't deserve your time! You should go, and keep your chin up!

ldowdesw

I had a similar relationship with my nan and I hated her for it. She was my mums, mum. So when my mum died ( I was only 24) I decided that I didn't need to be false anymore. One of the last times I saw her she make a dig about my coat and how I was too fat for it!! I walked out and didn't look back. She never met my kids, but I did go to her funeral as a mark of respect for my mum and solidarity for my dad. I didn't cry because she had made me feel worthless for years. But, this made me laugh, when we were at the crematorium and the coffin went on its merry way and the curtains closed, my 2 year old son shouted out 'can I clap' my response, yes you can son!! I had no respect for her, and she clearly felt the same for me!!
As for you, lovely lady, enjoy carrying your precious load, chin up and head high, please don't let anyone make you feel worthless.. Oh and by the way, I was disinherited. Lol X

solieco1

perhaps you could address it with her nicely before the event?

Ninkyou

No. Life is too short. I'm not about to skip out on a good time based on arbitrary opinions about how I look or how much I weigh.

That being said, perhaps you should have a talk with your grandmother about how her words and actions are hurtful to you.

brb_2013

Yeah going against the current here... I skipped new years eve with friends I hadn't seen since the last new years eve. I'm 50lbs heavier and there was no way.

Currently sobbing on the floor wondering how to get out of my own wedding. So, I feel you sister, I really do. No answers or suggestions. Just yes, I have indeed felt that way and I feel it incredibly strong today.

HealthierRayne

Definitely don't do anything to jeopardize your pregnancy, make sure you aren't too restrictive with your food too - you are growing another human after all!

One thing I have realized having been skinny, "normal" and fat - people will judge you regardless of which you are. People just judge one another, and some are just jerks enough to say mean hurtful things.

Don't miss out for fear that someone may say something off the cuff. If they do call them out!! If you're nervous about calling them out - do it but make it a joke... you'll have said your peace but might not feel too on the defense when you do it. "you're really gambling with your life by saying the pregnant lady should have that slice of cake" "gained weight? naw, just growing a person but thanks for noticing!" "not sure if it's the hormones or what you said that makes me want to throw something at your face, guess we'll never know!"

NaturalNancy

Whatever you decide to do will be the right choice!
If you want to skip the event, there's not a thing wrong with it- give yourself a great day, get a mani /pedi and treat yourself or do something fun for you, something you enjoy.
If you want to go, then you just enjoy yourself and have fun and ignore any rude behavior from anyone.

dbanks80

Why are you trying to lose weight while you are pregnant? Am I missing something?

Also I would be really hurt if you missed my wedding if you were a close family member over something so shallow.

GreenIceFloes

I have a cousin who makes sure to greet me with a fat joke whenever I gain weight. But we've grown up together and I know she means no harm by it; it's just banter. I usually pass a snarky comment right back, something equally silly about her appearance, and that's that. We've always been good friends, and therefore, obviously, complete d*cks to each other. Then again, I'm not sensitive about my weight. And she isn't sensitive about her appearance either.

On the other hand, I have an aunt who used to shame me publicly about my weight at family gatherings when I was a teenager (with hypothyroidism, no less). Eventually, I ran out of patience and told her she was only able to feel better about herself by putting others down because she was a sad, hollow, lonely and balding lady. But I said it jokingly, so nobody could jump down my throat for disrespecting her. She has steered clear of me since then, and it's been over a decade now.

As for blowing off events because of my weight? Never. If someone has a problem with me, they are free to sit home while I have fun. I suggest you not let your weight bring you down.

Afura

If you feel well enough to go, then I say go. If anyone is going to make a remark about your weight, then apparently they have no respect for the people hosting to be that rude, and just no class to say something like that at an event like that. Try not to worry about your weight when you go and focus on having fun, and socializing. If someone is rude, ignore them.

Quinn_Baker

yesimpson wrote: »

I think it would be a shame to miss out on important events like these because of weight.

This.

ald783

I understand the feelings you're having and I'm sure many of us have felt that way at some point, but I would really encourage you to go, and to try to make a point to never miss out on anything just because of your weight or how you're feeling about your weight. I think it just starts (or continues) a mental connection between weight and feelings of self-worth, and allowing weight to affect your social life and happiness in general. I know it is hard to avoid these feelings, but once you get into a cycle of letting weight dictate your emotions, it's a really hard spiral to get out of.

Your grandmother, well-meaning or not, really shouldn't say those things either. That's on her, not you. But the next time she says something, I would tell her firmly that those comments are not OK and that if she cares about you she wouldn't say them.

hamptontom

i'm gonna step up and shoulder the brutally honest burden, here...because you need to consider that your grandmother, much as you may love her for whatever reason, is an *kitten*.

kind people, people with good hearts, people who have other people's best interests in mind, don't do $h!t like walk up to their own flesh and blood, grab them by their midsection, and go "jiggle, jiggle, jiggle".

i'm willing to bet that there are people in your life who'd love you at twice your current weight, and the challenge you should be undertaking is finding ways to involve THEM in your life more, at the expense of people who'd say some $h!t like that to you.

of course, someone will ultimately say, "but they're just making a joke...they're just trying to be funny...."

sure, they are. but that ain't how it's done.

life's too short to seek the approval of d0ucheb@gs. i bet you'd be amazed at how much psychological weight you'd shed if you managed to cut them loose.

mell4now

I had a feeling that the way I phrased this was going to bring a comment about not supposed to loose weight while pregnant. I probably should elaborate on the situation.... The problem is that I get extreme nausea with my pregnancies. Although these past 2 weeks the nausea has improved slightly, Now, most foods that I used to eat and love make me want to gag and sometimes even result in vomiting after consumption. I brought it up twice at my prenatal appointments and he doctor dismisses my concern and does not care that the nausea and food aversions ultimately cause me to loose weight. He probably does not care because I am obese. Whenever the nausea subsides for a few hours here and there I try to eat at least somewhat healthy for the baby but often it's a crap shoot as to if the meal is going to stay down. Last time it resulted in me loosing weight reducing blood pressure and being healthier for her birth which may have been why the doctor did not care that the scale did not go up. But either way the doctor still cares nothing about my nausea concern and the subsequent weight loss that came from it last time.

Thanks to everyone who was supportive especially those who understand what it feels like to be the only obese one in the family.

DaisyHamilton

I feel like youre going to look back and wish you did go, regardless of what you weigh/look like. Weddings and showers are rare occasions, and it would be a shame to miss it.

bluepoppies777

I can see why you wouldn't want to go! If you do muster the courage to attend, get yourself a beautiful dress that makes you feel good, paint your nails and take extra time doing your hair. And if your effing gma says anything to you, look her in the eye and tell her that was hurtful and you don't appreciate it. Keep your head held high! Be confident, or fake it if you have to!
Being a high risk pregnancy, don't worry about your weight until the safe arrival of your beautiful baby. Then get moving and lose all of that weight! Good luck!

puffbrat

To some extent I have been in your place. My grandmother liked to comment about my and my mom's weight everytime she saw us regardless of who else was around. Thankfully my mom was in my corner and told me to ignore grandma's rudeness. I just had to learn to let it go.

Strangely enough my mom also used to attack me daily about smelling bad all through middle school and high school (I have a diagnosed sweating problem). Like my grandma's comments about my weight, I just had to learn to let these go so I could continue to have a close relationship with both women. I still sometimes remember those comments and feel really hurt but don't let them get to me now as an adult if she makes them. I just promised myself I wouldn't do that to my own kids once I have any.

How close are you to the family member getting married? If you aren't close, then it should be fine for you to not go to either event or only go to one (wedding but not shower or other way around). If you are close to them, then don't let this stand in your way of missing a major event. They don't happen that often and can cause friction with your family member who will feel like they don't mean as much to you as thought. I know this because I had an aunt threaten for months to not come to my wedding because she refuses to go anywhere she can't wear jeans. I told her she could wear whatever she wanted, she just had to show up. It was still fight. She thankfully came, but decided at the last minute. In the meantime, I was incredibly hurt that clothes meant more to her than attending a huge event in my life.

CassidyScaglione

mell4now wrote: »

Last time she struck directly though. It was thanksgiving 2014, I wasn't even near the weight I am now and when I went to give her a hug at thanksgiving she leaned in, grabbed my stomach and said " jiggle- jiggle -jiggle." I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried.

I would probably smack the *&#@ out of someone who did that.

Lounmoun

Do you enjoy going to weddings? Do you want to see any of the people at these events?

If the answer is yes then go. Don't worry about your weight and just concentrate on the positive.
If you really think you'll just be miserable and don't want to see these people then skip it.

Ninkyou

mell4now wrote: »

I had a feeling that the way I phrased this was going to bring a comment about not supposed to loose weight while pregnant. I probably should elaborate on the situation.... The problem is that I get extreme nausea with my pregnancies. Although these past 2 weeks the nausea has improved slightly, Now, most foods that I used to eat and love make me want to gag and sometimes even result in vomiting after consumption. I brought it up twice at my prenatal appointments and he doctor dismisses my concern and does not care that the nausea and food aversions ultimately cause me to loose weight. He probably does not care because I am obese. Whenever the nausea subsides for a few hours here and there I try to eat at least somewhat healthy for the baby but often it's a crap shoot as to if the meal is going to stay down. Last time it resulted in me loosing weight reducing blood pressure and being healthier for her birth which may have been why the doctor did not care that the scale did not go up. But either way the doctor still cares nothing about my nausea concern and the subsequent weight loss that came from it last time.

Thanks to everyone who was supportive especially those who understand what it feels like to be the only obese one in the family.

If your doctor is showing little care or concern for you during your appointments, it's time to find a new OBGYN

mtziontn75

I would respond to the veiled criticism.I put up with that for years, it's not healthy. As for your nausea during pregnancy, there is "morning sickness" that usually ceases at about 4-5 months. It isn't severe. Then there is a condition called "hyperemesis gravidarum". This condition can last the entire pregnancy, causes severe vomiting, dehydration and weight loss.I had it with each of my 4 pregnancies.With each I lost a lot of weight,and was hospitalized with dehydration.Research it and ask your doctor if you suspect you are experiencing it, there is help.

holly_roman

I concur to please not focus on losing weight while pregnant. It didn't seem like it with your second post but I just wanted to jump right out there and say it. You are growing a little you in there and that takes a lot of work not to mention good food .
Now to the wedding, I would personally go and if she grabs you again like that grab her cheeks and say 'my your getting old..look at those wrinkles'. lol that will stop her. Or you can brush it off with a simple, 'I am supposed to be fat, I am growing another person in here you know'. whatever you decide don't feel like you should miss it b/c others are a**holes. Be proud of you and your body. GL.

Adelynee

I like many, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I've skipped so many things because of my weight. And I'm not saying it's the best decision, it's what I felt was right for me in the company and context I was in at the time. Just remember that at family gatherings there are always some who are sooooo looking forward to catching up with you (regardless of your weight) as well and you them.

pootle1972

brb_2013 wrote: »

Yeah going against the current here... I skipped new years eve with friends I hadn't seen since the last new years eve. I'm 50lbs heavier and there was no way.

Currently sobbing on the floor wondering how to get out of my own wedding. So, I feel you sister, I really do. No answers or suggestions. Just yes, I have indeed felt that way and I feel it incredibly strong today.

Elope?

coalz

I have on more than one occasion and almost every time I regretted the decision to stay home. Maybe just say yes for now and see how you feel on the actual day. A lot can happen in a little amount of time & you may feel differently then.

WickedPineapple

I haven't avoided events because of weight, but I have avoided them because of anxiety. I missed out on my friend's bachelorette party because of this and I regret it. I don't regret ditching events I didn't want to do to begin with.

If you want to go and weight is the only thing holding you back, then go. Avoid your grandmother and/or don't hug her (feel free to tell her she gave up that privilege the last time you saw her). If she comments on your weight, walk away.

1cand0it2

I was in your situation last year, in fact it was a big motivator to lose weight. However, I went to the wedding (all 340 pounds of me) because, in the end, that wedding was not about me. (and I had a good time, admittedly a little self-consious, but I owned it!)

I had a cousin who skipped my own wedding because she "felt too fat" and it hurt my feelings that she did not care enough about me to get out of her own way and celebrate my day with me. I really didn't care about her appearance, I just wanted her there.

I agree with others here, there is no need to apologize for yourself. Be your charming self, focus on others (they all want to talk about themselves anyway!) and have a good time!

brb_2013

Ninkyou wrote: »

mell4now wrote: »

I had a feeling that the way I phrased this was going to bring a comment about not supposed to loose weight while pregnant. I probably should elaborate on the situation.... The problem is that I get extreme nausea with my pregnancies. Although these past 2 weeks the nausea has improved slightly, Now, most foods that I used to eat and love make me want to gag and sometimes even result in vomiting after consumption. I brought it up twice at my prenatal appointments and he doctor dismisses my concern and does not care that the nausea and food aversions ultimately cause me to loose weight. He probably does not care because I am obese. Whenever the nausea subsides for a few hours here and there I try to eat at least somewhat healthy for the baby but often it's a crap shoot as to if the meal is going to stay down. Last time it resulted in me loosing weight reducing blood pressure and being healthier for her birth which may have been why the doctor did not care that the scale did not go up. But either way the doctor still cares nothing about my nausea concern and the subsequent weight loss that came from it last time.

Thanks to everyone who was supportive especially those who understand what it feels like to be the only obese one in the family.

If your doctor is showing little care or concern for you during your appointments, it's time to find a new OBGYN

It can be perfectly safe to lose weight while pregnant, but yes rthe doctor should be concerned about your nutrition during pregnancy.