Any good jokes?

LiftingLisa

kevin3676 wrote: »

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?



She grew out of her b shells!
I know, corny lol

I laughed too hard at this.

huntersvonnegut

A wife was tired of her husband coming home drunk so she decided to teach him a lesson by dressing up as the Devil to scare him out of his wicked ways. That night she hides and as he stumbles in she jumps from her hiding place and shouts, "Your soul is mine now!" Her husband, swaying drunkenly, snaps his fingers and slurs, "Ha! You don't scare me. I married your sister!"

junodog1

“Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.”
— Pavlov’s Dog

505h17

Two drunk giraffes walk into a bar. One keels over, comatose with booze.
Barman says to the other giraffe "you can't leave that lyin' there
Giraffe replies - it's a giraffe, not a lion

junodog1

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

junodog1

_incogNEATo_ wrote: »

_A_Real_Mouthful wrote: »

junodog1 wrote: »

_A_Real_Mouthful wrote: »

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar but quickly becomes aware he is actually just dreaming.
He wakes shortly after and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had.
His wife ignores him.
The man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

I really like jokes. I'm a great person to tell jokes to because I usually cannot remember a punchline. I get the punchline, but I just forget it. I can hear a joke more than once and sincerely laugh all over again.

But I don't get this. I even checked out the urban dictionaty to see if all ya'll smart *kitten* youngsters had changed the meaning of shambles. Is there an actual joke here? If so would someone explain it to me.

its an "anti-joke" (my personal favorite)- you basically start it off like any other and then bomb the punchline, usually with something depressing or sad.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Anti-Joke

Speaking of sad: I hate this had to be explained. It takes so much away from the beauty of it.

I have Mad Cow disease, sorry.

finny11122

A guy walks into a bar , sits down , takes a tiny man and a tiny piano out of his gear bag and places him on the counter and the little pianist starts playing away .
The barman was amazed and came over and said , where did you get him . that is just brilliant . The guy says its a long story and will only end up in disaster .
Barman says you got to tell me , this is great .
The guy says ok but i warned ya . And he gave the man a bottle and said , you can have one wish if you rub this bottle and the barman immediately rubbed the bottle and a million ducks appeared and covered the whole bar .
The barman freaked out and said to the man , i asked for a million bucks not a million ducks . And the guy says , you think thats bad i asked for a 12 inch penis .

finny11122

Paddy irishman got arrested , and he was struting his stuff with a badass attitude , this will a walk in the park , no problem .
So one of the guards said to himself , i will fix this cocky fella.
So they gave him his prision gear and escorted him to his cell and when they opened the door there was a big huge guy standing there naked with an enormous schlong .
Then all of a sudden he blew the sink of the wall with it , broke the bed in half with it and broke tiles with it !!
And then he says to paddy irishman , im going to stick this up your *kitten* .
Relieved , with sweat ,and nerves paddy irishman says , ohh thank god , i thought you were going to hit me with it .