dealing with negative comments
steviejanedrake
Posts: 43 Member
I have been really positive through this experience so far, and it has been really working for me. yesterday I had someone very close to me tell me they were glad I was losing weight because I was starting to get a " front but" I think it was meant to be some kind of compliment but it has really bothered me. anyone deal with this kind of thing?
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no. Cause I'd probably throat punch someone who said that and everyone who knows me know I'd react that way. How rude.12
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just ask them what they meant.
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People (OTHER people, not me. Never me,) say dumb stuff. Most of us don't have the best mouth-filters. Ignore/forgive, move on.4
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just ask them what they meant.
Sounds like they meant they thought she was starting to get fat. Real friends will tell you if you have a booger in your nose.
It sounds like they're being helpful and encouraging from their point of view. I mean if you honestly think that you were not getting a belly and that they're just making *kitten* up then feel free to be pissed, otherwise they sound encouraging to me.3 -
Firstly, anyone who says that is toxic, "well-meant" or not. Second--I agree with Inezbruce, the most enjoyable thing to do in that situation is to say--with a very flat face--"I don't understand. Please explain." And then when they try, let them wind down and say again "I don't understand what you mean." and watch them get further and further into realizing that they're pretty much a waste of O2.
This also works really well for racism and sexism, if you can keep the flat face and not get super angry.7 -
People around me made rude comments all the time. I ignored their foolishness. My advice to you is to, "Put on your big girl pants & toughen up!" This will help you throughout your journey. People will say things when they feel you are too heavy. Then they will turn around and give their unsolicited $.02 when they feel you are "getting too skinny." Bottom line: Haters will always have something to say. I'm sure you are losing weight for YOU and NO ONE ELSE!!! With that being said, try REALLY hard to ignore negative comments you're receiving. Their opinion about YOUR BODY is irrelevant. Some people are just evil & don't like to see other people improving themselves. Continue doing what you are doing. Good luck with your journey!1
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What bugs me more is the overweight dude I work with (who has had 3 heart attacks) telling me I'm "too skinny now" and I was "perfect before" and now I look "too boney."
Seriously? I am 5'3" and 161 pounds. Still plenty of fluff going on here!7 -
Oh the backhanded compliment, that's so cute.
When they could have said, "You're doing a great job you look great," and ended it there. But they just have to throw in the neg to throw you off balance. Adorable.
Depending on who this person is, I might consider spending less time with someone that juvenile.4 -
GenevraLittlejohn wrote: »Firstly, anyone who says that is toxic, "well-meant" or not. Second--I agree with Inezbruce, the most enjoyable thing to do in that situation is to say--with a very flat face--"I don't understand. Please explain." And then when they try, let them wind down and say again "I don't understand what you mean." and watch them get further and further into realizing that they're pretty much a waste of O2.
This also works really well for racism and sexism, if you can keep the flat face and not get super angry.
Truth is toxic? It's not like they said "Hey fatty! Lose some weight." They probably always thought that the OP was "starting to get a front" but never said a word about it. They saw that the OP was successfully losing weight and wanted to say congratulations.
Of course they could mean that the OP was "starting to get a front" in an organized crime type of way and then I'd agree that they're not being helpful in that instance. Better ask what they meant.1 -
Oh the backhanded compliment, that's so cute.
When they could have said, "You're doing a great job you look great," and ended it there. But they just have to throw in the neg to throw you off balance. Adorable.
Depending on who this person is, I might consider spending less time with someone that juvenile.
THIS.0 -
truth is appriciated I just felt is was a little harsh. there are better ways to compliment someone I guess. if this was just from a friend it wouldn't bother me as much. I was just feeling really good about losing 15 pounds and getting under 200. and this kinda took me down a peg, like maybe I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I'm 5'10 and now at 192 pounds so I am not that far from my goal. I guess you guys are right I need a thicker skin. I do think it was a back handed compliment though.0
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GenevraLittlejohn wrote: »Firstly, anyone who says that is toxic, "well-meant" or not. Second--I agree with Inezbruce, the most enjoyable thing to do in that situation is to say--with a very flat face--"I don't understand. Please explain." And then when they try, let them wind down and say again "I don't understand what you mean." and watch them get further and further into realizing that they're pretty much a waste of O2.
This also works really well for racism and sexism, if you can keep the flat face and not get super angry.
Truth is toxic? It's not like they said "Hey fatty! Lose some weight." They probably always thought that the OP was "starting to get a front" but never said a word about it. They saw that the OP was successfully losing weight and wanted to say congratulations.
Of course they could mean that the OP was "starting to get a front" in an organized crime type of way and then I'd agree that they're not being helpful in that instance. Better ask what they meant.
he said I was starting to get a " front butt" haha0 -
cmriverside wrote: »People (OTHER people, not me. Never me,) say dumb stuff. Most of us don't have the best mouth-filters. Ignore/forgive, move on.
This is probably the best advice. Give them the benefit of the doubt and realize that they are likely kicking themselves saying the negative part.
Of course, if they are regularly saying things like this, they may have a filter issue or just be that kind of person. You can decide whether it's worth it to keep them in your life.2 -
I think it was rude. It's not a matter of it being true or not. There is no way that the comment was helpful. The OP has already started losing weight. There is no need to comment negatively on how she looked before doing so. And even if the person said something before she decided to lose weight, "you look like you have a front butt" is rude. "I'm concerned about your health" is far more considerate and helpful than is the equivalent of "ew, you look weird."
(By no means, OP do I think you look weird.)5 -
Talk about a back-handed compliment. Like when my kids say, "Well, Mom, you're not THAT old." Gee, thanks...1
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steviejanedrake wrote: »truth is appriciated I just felt is was a little harsh. there are better ways to compliment someone I guess. if this was just from a friend it wouldn't bother me as much. I was just feeling really good about losing 15 pounds and getting under 200. and this kinda took me down a peg, like maybe I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I'm 5'10 and now at 192 pounds so I am not that far from my goal. I guess you guys are right I need a thicker skin. I do think it was a back handed compliment though.
... and that's precisely what this type of comment is supposed to do. Recognize it for what it is.
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steviejanedrake wrote: »GenevraLittlejohn wrote: »Firstly, anyone who says that is toxic, "well-meant" or not. Second--I agree with Inezbruce, the most enjoyable thing to do in that situation is to say--with a very flat face--"I don't understand. Please explain." And then when they try, let them wind down and say again "I don't understand what you mean." and watch them get further and further into realizing that they're pretty much a waste of O2.
This also works really well for racism and sexism, if you can keep the flat face and not get super angry.
Truth is toxic? It's not like they said "Hey fatty! Lose some weight." They probably always thought that the OP was "starting to get a front" but never said a word about it. They saw that the OP was successfully losing weight and wanted to say congratulations.
Of course they could mean that the OP was "starting to get a front" in an organized crime type of way and then I'd agree that they're not being helpful in that instance. Better ask what they meant.
he said I was starting to get a " front butt" haha
With that additional bit of information I might change my opinion. Of course if you follow the current Instagram beauty standards the more butt you have the prettier you are. Having one in the front gives you a huge advantage over other women. :laugh:4 -
Sorry about the way the comment affected you but by NO means should it set you backwards! You've made great progress. Just keep going. Some people aren't good at giving compliments. Some people are more blunt than others. The good thing (other than the fact that you are actively improving your health) is that your friend recognized your weight loss. The comment was a bit odd but most of the time people mean well and don't realize how their words will affect others.1
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"hey, you're doing great. Let me point out specifically what part of your body I used to find objectionable. Also, I will use a slang term for that body part."1
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Firstly, I'd like to say I'm not totally sure what a 'front but' is exactly...?
Anyway, if you took offence to the comment just tell the person not to say things like that.
If they're a friend they'll do as you ask.
If doesn't even have to be a big deal.1 -
The truth hurts sometimes. There are a about a billion better ways to say what your friend meant but they were just trying to encourage you. Would you have preferred them to tell you not to lose weight and put more weight back on? Honestly, I would rather someone tell me "you're doing good, keep it up" than to nag at me for losing weight.
That being said, the delivery makes all the difference. I also tend to be a passive aggressive *kitten* so I probably would have come back with something like "Thanks but could you be more of an *kitten* when you compliment me next time?"1 -
People can just be stupid! They want to say "hey, your doing great" and come out with "you were starting to get a front butt". I say it all the time, "You just can't help stupid!". I get the flip side myself. Why are YOU working out/dieting. I have started getting really terse when asked that question! No, I am not overweight, never have been BUT I still need to work out and eating clean, good food is NOT dieting!!
The truth of the matter is, some people just don't get it and you just need to ignore the ingnorance and keep on your path!
You are doing great!
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It's not a helpful comment - maybe if they'd commented out of concern before the OP started to lose weight and in a more tactful way it could have been viewed as helpful. That they waited until the OP had already started to lose weight just makes it a back-handed compliment at best or an insult plain and simple. If they wanted to compliment her the could have just said - I noticed you've lost some weight - great job! No mention of front butt necessary in either situation. Drawing attention to specific physical flaws isn't really ever helpful. If you are genuinely concerned about someone's weight focus on the health risks/benefits, physical appearance is an emotionally charged and subjective area. Health risks/benefits can be discussed in a much more objective way.1
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P.s. great job on the weight loss - keep it up! (See how easy that was)1
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steviejanedrake wrote: »truth is appriciated I just felt is was a little harsh. there are better ways to compliment someone I guess. if this was just from a friend it wouldn't bother me as much. I was just feeling really good about losing 15 pounds and getting under 200. and this kinda took me down a peg, like maybe I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I'm 5'10 and now at 192 pounds so I am not that far from my goal. I guess you guys are right I need a thicker skin. I do think it was a back handed compliment though.
... and that's precisely what this type of comment is supposed to do. Recognize it for what it is.
Exactly. You have my permission to kick such people.1 -
people take liberties...like touching stomach and commenting. ignore them and lose for yourself not them1
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There are times I've said things that I wished I'd put differently. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. If the person is a good friend and usually supportive, perhaps you can mention it and how it made you feel, but if they're not, I'd ignore them and possibly find a new friend.1
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Wow some people don't realize how rude they sound that's happened to me the most famous one is wow your pretty for a big girl why can't I be pretty for being a girl period !?? Ugh people stay strong stay focused1
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It was rude. They knew what they were saying, it was shady.
Tell them their face looks like a butt.3 -
steviejanedrake wrote: »I have been really positive through this experience so far, and it has been really working for me. yesterday I had someone very close to me tell me they were glad I was losing weight because I was starting to get a " front but" I think it was meant to be some kind of compliment but it has really bothered me. anyone deal with this kind of thing?
It's sounded like a "left-handed compliment". However, only you know the person who made the remark. I think we all carry around our own insecurities about ourselves. If you were conscience of your "front" and it bothered you, I'm sure it came across as an insult.
If someone said, "Hey! You look great!!" Does that mean they didn't think you looked great before and now you do? Or does it come across to you as, "Hey, you finally lost some weight and now you look better?" I don't know, I guess I'm rambling, but you get my point.1
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