I have serious problems with my mom
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As hard as it might be to realize, just because she is your mother doesn't mean that you need associate with her. I cut my father out of my life completely after being the only one trying to build something positive from the ruins. We cannot chose who we are related to but we can chose who we allow to be active in our lives. Especially as grown adults. You need to make the decision to either remove all the negativity by choosing not to speak to her or if you think it is worth the shot, tell her straight up that you don't appreciate the things she is saying and doing. But if she knows you at all she will already know that. Hard choices we have to make sometimes, but life isn't easy.0
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Oprah also promoted "The Secret," so everyone should just focus on happy relationships and wealth. I'm sure they'll come.
Oprah and her guests were mostly well-meaning, but they could be terribly simplistic. Not everyone can just "move on. " Sometimes they don't know how, or they may not have anything to move on to. The fact that they haven't resolved deep-seated issues that developed at an impressionable age should not be taken as a sign that they "choose" to "wallow" in their unhappiness, are "clinging" to their misery, or any other phrase of psycho-babble that is used in America to describe people whose behavior can't be neatly labeled.
Oprah is a multimillionaire with every resource known to humankind and she can't maintain a healthy weight, which supposedly was important to her. Behavior can be hard to change.
I don't blame you for tuning out your friend, but I wouldn't assume her feelings are all within her control. I also think it's great that you were able to take your mother's behavior as an opposite object lesson, but not everyone is the same.
Yes. This.
Not all things can be let go of completely - nor should they. We all hold onto the things that have affected us the most. And there is no shame in that. EVERYONE has the right to be shaped by what they've experienced.
Too many times I hear people say "Well, I am <insert happy/successful/a good parent/etc> because of my loving family, good experience with teachers, a good church who was always there for me in the past" BUT - I'm NOT ALLOWED to say "Well, I am <insert grieving/slightly crazy/experience PTSD/etc> happened to me in the past."
At no point do YOU get to define your yourself by your past because it was happy while denying others the same simply because their past was UNhappy. Both are valid. Both deserve validation, consideration, and respect.
But too often, the line "you have to let go/move on/etc etc" is brought out. No. I don't. I will not force you to give up pivotal experiences of your youth, that would make me a cruel person who is not appreciative of who you are and WHY you are. And jjust because MY youth makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean you get to force ME to give up pivotal points of my youth.
It is not always reasonable to ask someone to "let go" or "remove the negativity" or otherwise remove any negative taint of the experience. No one should have to do that for another human being.
No one. For no reason.0 -
So sorry about your Mom not being there for you. I think parents sometimes do the most harm to their children by not forgiving their mistakes. Mistakes are part of our learning experiences & teens should be allowed to make them. Your Mom sounds like a very negative person & I agree w/the others on this site, you need to just tell her that you will no longer allow her negative comments in your life. If she can't love & support you than you need to distance yourself.0
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I divorced my family... i still love and treasure my memories from my dad, but my stepmother sees me as an evil interloper (even 30 years later)
so , the harsh words, if youre in a situation where you cannot leave, do what i did, in one week, i wrote everything she said to me .. and then i made a copy and gave it to both of them , it fixed it for a little while ...
but eventually it got bad again, to the point where she would not let him attend my wedding nor walk me down the aisle, or she was going to divorce him...
so i said, ok if thats how its going to be, then youre right, immediate family first, i have never looked back , the only contact we have is through facebook.
thats it.
I'm so sorry, yet happy for you. I understand how you feel. I just did that with my brother and father, and I feel like I've been reborn. Good luck with everything! :flowerforyou:0 -
OK...I have a mom who is super critical of me and never misses and opportunity to trash me. Both to my face and to other people. I have overcome a lot of bad **** in my life and I would like to be proud of that but my mother constantly throws it in my face. I tend to eat when I'm stressed so this has been a big cause of my recent weight gain.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to tune out her constant negativity?
Remember that this is HER problem NOT YOURS. Only a person with deep personal issues would trash their child. How is/was her relationship with her mom. I have a similar issue so I know how it can be. Focus on you and the people who are cheering for you. Whenever she says something bad, remember that there are at least 5 other people that will say something nice to you.0 -
My mom sounds pretty close to that description and I eventually just had to ignore her after I set her straight. You're an adult and do not have to take that kind of disrespect.0
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To the original poster: are you on tumblr too?
I am following someone with mom issues today as well. Just wondering.
Anyways, don't worry. My mom and sister (who have both been heavy) have been brutally honest with me before. I don't think they do it out of spite or hatred, but we're just a really honest family and we say things to each other with good intentions, even if we don't want to hear it. Perhaps your mom is missing the same "filter."0 -
I had an abusive father as a child & once I was old enough to be on my own I never saw him or spoke to him again. He never knew my husband or my children & he died a lonely bitter angry sick man! I have never regretted not seeing him & don't even know the day he died. My brother called to tell me & I felt absolutely nothing! That is what child abuse does to a child. You don't owe an abuser anything! I am happily married, have 5 wonderful children all successful in their lives & lived happily ever after. Abusive negative people deserve to live in their own hell ALONE.0
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If she was your mother-in-law, I would have suggested a couple of half-power strikes to the solar plexus.0
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Wow, sad but at the same time, glad to see I'm not the only one with this issue. I'm 40, BTW. I used to cry & cry to my husband about this; even moved across the country to get away from her & then I realized that I was seeking too much approval from someone not willing to give it to me. I also realized that when I was seeking approval, I was letting her be too involved in my life, which gave her opportunity to do this. I'm not sure if that's the case for you. I wish you luck & remember: You can't choose how other people act; just how you re-act
You, dear, have just changed my life today. Thank you.0 -
Do you have to spend time with her or even speak to her? One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves is to not expose our minds to negative/poisonous people. Maybe once she is ready to get real and talk to you about why you're upset with her, you can work on your relationship.
^^^This
Sometimes it takes a time away for the other person to realize our worth...she needs to know why you, if you decide to do this, stay away....
I had this situation but in reverse...it took time but the main thing is that you do not have to accept disrespect and bashing and constant negativity...
Stay strong and believe in yourself...it will pay off in time...good luck0 -
My mother is toxic. I live almost 2 hours from her and see her only a few times a year. There has always been a lot of guilt involved when it comes to her-- what did I ever do wrong, why didn't she really love me ever, etc. etc. The best advice I ever got was to learn how to manage my expectations of people. I learned to understand her and accept her. This doesn't mean that I want to hang out with her often, because, as I said-- she is toxic. But I am now guilt-free about my feelings towards her and able to understand that how she acts and what she says really doesn't have a lot to do with me-- it's just how she is, and for various reasons. And I will never expect anything else. So I let go of all of those bad feelings and it is what it is. I'm so much happier now and not focused on her or our relationship.0
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Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind DON'T MATTER.
I love this!!!0 -
Create distance, cut off communication, just don't talk to her for a while. She'll get the message, and if she doesn't just keep doing it until she does. I do this with my parents and it seems to work. At the very least, you get some peace and you stop stressing out about what they're going to say to you next.0
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But back to the topic, I suggest telling your mom how you really feel, and if she doesn't understand, you should break off the relationship until she realizes the mistake she made losing a great daughter
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I hate to say this, but I have absolutely no room whatsoever for negative people in my life. Especially when they will not only trash me to my face but to others also??? WTF?!
I guess the first question is, do you live with her? If not, then I'd cut her out of my life until she has sense enough to realize that you don't treat anyone this way. Especially your child.
Not to sound mean, but does she have a mental issue? Drug or alcohol issue? I'm just asking because I have obviously heard of parents being this way with their kids, but I've never seen it first hand. It seems like it's driven by something.
Either way, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, and I wish you good luck!0 -
Don't put your self worth into the hands of others. There is a book that is amazing that was suggested for me to read: The Four Agreements. My parents are very critical and made life miserable for awhile. After I read this book, it all made sense to me!
I give people the right to treat me like that, or I don't. Today I don't.
Good luck, I know how hard this is to overcome!0 -
Boy, you and I must have the same mother. We live 2 hours from my parents and siblings. Sometimes the distance is a real blessing!!! I could really tell stories, and sometimes I don't think 2 hours is far enough away.
I was just having this conversation with someone this morning how this friend her husband's is toxic, but "they've been friends for 12 years." The thing is, toxic people are NOT the people you need to be around (especially if you're trying to lose weight) - even if the toxic people are your parents.
My suggestion would be to put some distance between you and her. I don't know if you're living with her still, but find a way or develop an action plan to move out as soon as possible. If you're already out, then absolutely LIMIT the time you spend talking to her or being around her. If she questions it, you can be honest with her and tell her you don't like the way she's hyper-critical of you all the time....that you just want her to love you and be the mom - and when/if that changes, you'll spend more time with her and talk to her more.0 -
"I learned it from watching you!" -- After School Special
Seriously. activate your selective hearing. Manager your own expectations.
"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd." - Max Lucado0 -
I started reading a book called "The Happiness Trap", and it has helped me so much. I've spent much of my life shaping my decisions and actions by how I believe other people would perceive me. This book has taught me how to accept the things that I can't change, like my emotions and how people react to the things I say or do. You don't have to like what people say or think of you, but you can step back and determine whether their opinion is helpful or not, before you let it get under your skin. It's not an easy process, but it's one worth working toward. I'd have to say that your mom sounds like she's projecting her own issues about herself onto you. It's not fair. Nor is it right. However, if she's been like this your entire life, I doubt she's capable of the change that you need to see from her. Learning how to accept her for who she is, and to not let her anger become a part of you is the most important step you can probably take.
Good luck!0 -
If you cant avoid her, I would take everything she says to you and turn it around in your head as a compliment. And keep telling yourself how beautiful and wonderful you are, because its true! you can confront her and ask her to stop, but you cant change other people, just your reactions to them.0
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My mother is a little bit of the same way. She was definitely the reason why I was fat as a child, but I turned my life around at 12, joined cross country came out of my shell took up a job caring for horses, ect. But my fiance and I were forced to move in with her. She takes "care" of my grandfather and adult protective services came to "evaluate" his living conditions. My mother is a hoarder. I grew up with it. She also has some mental issues as well ss diabetes she doesnt take care of. We have since moved in, cleaned everything and Im just keeping it that way so everyone can stay where they are. Its definitely a hard road. She has made comments about my weight ( even though she is bigger than me) right after I had my first child. Bashes the way I raise my kids ( because I put them in time out) constantly lies about everything even little stupid things, can be manipulative at times that kind of thing. It comes to a point where you have to decide to deal with and ignore it or cut out the negativity. I chose to deal with it because I honestly feel like I have to. Its only a few yrs until her license will be pulled ( her eyes are going from diabetes even though she wont admit it. ( shes hit her truck at least 15 times on random stuff, lost both mirrors in two months and hit a parked car) Hopefully you will find away to sort things out but if you do have to cut her out realize you have love and support. Confide in friends and family or even on this site. No matter howw alone you feel know that you arent. If it werent for my fiance and kids I dont know how I would deal with it. I wish you the very best.0
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When I graduated from college and moved out on my own, I had to spend a little time re-training my mother. Once she realized I was just going to hang up on her any time she was disrespectful to me, our relationship took a turn for the better.0
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You can't change your parents, only how you react to them. You need to learn that you don't have to accept her negativity or criticism. There are some comments in response to you that are a bit uncomfortable to read...such as mothers making people gain weight or giving people stress. You can't gain weight/be stressed if you don't allow it to happen. Easier said than done, I know, but the responsibility lies with you.
Edit: Oh, and by the way, you don't have to ignore or "get away" from your mother. It doesn't matter how far away you are if you don't know how to handle negativity. If you'd rather have no contact with her, then that's up to you, but don't feel guilty if that's not what you want. You can still love her but not accept any of her BS, it's called loving detachment. 0 -
I also should add. It took me a long time to realize you can change or help people that do not want it. I agree that your mother is probably stuck in her ways if shes been this way your entire life. At the same time you cant blame yourself for their issues either- I did for nearly 8 years. Even now I feel guilty, maybe there is something more I can do or something new to try... but it really just comes down to acceptance. You can learn to accept them and love them as they are or as I said before cut ties with them. Its certainly not easy, especially when its your parent but you have to decide what is best for your life also.0
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eliminate her from ur life.0
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Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.
Your mom sounds toxic and you need to set limits or boundaries with her.
You can't change her but you can decide how you will deal with her to keep yourself in a good place.
ETA: I see a lot of negative replies, almost "mom bashing".
You ultimately need to forgive your mom so you can move on.
You can still love your mom by setting healthy boundaries.
You are essentially saying " I love you enough to say I don't want to see you hurt yourself or others any longer".
At first, this will probably infuriate her because she's not being allowed to control and manipulate you any longer.
Hopefully, in time she will accept your limits as loving and you can rebuild your relationship on healthy terms.
In the meantime, you can know you are doing the right thing and find healing for yourself.
I'm doing this myself through Christian counseling, and I would encourage you to find a counselor that works for you.
This is great advice. Although it's easy to criticise her, your mother probably suffers just as much as you do, just in a different way.0 -
From what I've seen (on the first page of the thread) you're being told to get rid of her- which, initially is something I agree with. That being said, it's not always possible- whether you want her there or some other reason keeps her in the picture.
You need to have a heart to heart with her- tell her that you can't cope with the negativity she's putting in your life. If you know the reasons, tell her you understand A, B and C. If you don't, tell her you dont' get why. But by the end of this conversation she needs to acknowledge what she's doing and give some sort of resolution to end it.
She will never change if she can't acknowledge what she's doing wrong. If she can't give you that.... hard as it may be, cutting her out may be the best thing.0 -
Bump for later, I have the same problem, only it's both parents. I agree, distance is the best thing that has worked for me.0
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When my father and my mother divorced my alcoholic, verbally abusive father divorced his two daughters also. One of the best danged things that ever happened to me. Since the *itch he was living with didn't want him to recieve phone calls from us I didn't contact him often. It took a while to get over his verbal abuse but I'm somewhat over it. :happy:0
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