I have serious problems with my mom

SoDamnHungry

Stay away from her? Don't answer her calls.

toutmonpossible

I would try confronting her a few times: "Do you understand that you are hurting my feelings?" or "Why do you keep bringing these things up/using that tone when I've told you it upsets me and is not helpful?" If she doesn't stop, I'd avoid her as much as possible.

Not every relationship can be fixed and not everyone can change. You have to protect yourself.


I don't think that anyone with a troubled parents ever completely gives up the fantasy of total understanding and reconciliation. Just remember, it's a fantasy. If they're upsetting you and you have to use huge amounts of energy to be "the bigger person" it's not worth it.

perfectlyimperfectturk

Any chance of shouting it back in her face?

Also, I think a taste of her own medicine would be a good idea. Sounds hypocritical, but there are times when the thing they need is a HARRRRSH lesson.

So do to her what she does to you. Then she'll shut up!

Worse advice I've heard thus far. Shouting back at your mother isn't going to solve a thing. It's just going to make the matter worser and going to cause more fights and disagreements.

jensweighingin

Read the book BOUNDARIES by Henry Cloud and Townsend and start applying them to your life and interactions with her. Be prepared for a strong reaction because people who don't have boundaries and then are given boundaries and consequences for their behavior will howl even more about how you are mistreating them. In the end, they either learn through conversation and consequences or they don't get it and you will have taken control of what you can and the interactions with them and therefore, will be an emotionally healthy person.

Agreed. Boundaries. Therapy. Codependent no more helped me a great deal, I have it in print and on my kindle. My mom gets on me for my weight and my sister for not eating. Whenever my mom is hurt by someone she lashes out at me about my weight. I used to eat my feelings, now I just look at it as I can only please me and if who I am doesn't please someone else, that's their issue, not mine. Good luck.

bethfartman

I recently had to just cut my mom out of my life. I came to the realization she would never change her behavior towards me and even brief infrequent conversations with her would always leave me upset, it just wasn't worth it anymore. After a particular harassing string of conversations, I told her I just couldn't handle a relationship with her anymore and she went ballistic. I wish I hadn't have said anything and just blocked her number and left it at that, so if you do decide to cut your mom out I'd suggest not making a declaration, just do it. The fall out, for me, was pretty distressing, although it really confirmed that what I was doing was the right thing. You can't help who your family is, just acknowledge where you came from and grow from it.

laughingdani

Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?

What the hell?

MinMin97

Been there!
Since you know the "next time" is coming, learn the trick of saying a blessing. Say something really nice, with no sarcasm or undertones of double meanings....something truly nice. Anything nice....it almost doesn't matter what.
Are you married? Do you live apart from her (not in the same house)?
Let her know that you will end the interaction if she verbally attacks you, but never be disrespectful or rude. This might be hard, especially at first, but realize that she probably has a well developed habit and is a bit compulsive about doing this. She must relearn new habits, and have her pattern broken....but you must only be kind and respectful and loving as possible.
Now that I am married, I have a household I am responsible for....I simply cannot bounce back from attacks....and still serve my family (like, I am so emotionally drained and depressed that I cant function for my husband/children). Therefore I had to end the interactions 'cause she couldn't seem to make a change. But I DO NOT engage in rudeness etc toward her.
Careful.....'cause if you get bitter toward her you run the strong chance of becoming like her. I don't know why, but this is true.

MyaPapaya75

I can kinda relate....I wasn't raised by my mom so my issue is my "stepmom"..she is always putting other peoples children on pedestals and telling us how great they are doing etc....which is funny because I always want to fire back and say "well they had supportive parents who actually cared about their education and well being.."must be nice".....I've yet to say such but its coming....Im not in a position yet to do it...but one day I will write people off one by one....my support and family are about a total of 3 people and well I try to keep them even if they arent so supportive ......my suggestion is don't let anyone abuse you and treat you badly ...be cordial to her and kind not bitter...but move on and don't make bad family vibes but keep distance...and be honest when she ask tell her exactly why you have done such and tell everyone else and if they cant respect that then so be it.

PlanetVelma

First let me start by saying I am a 50 year old woman who still has issues with my negative mother who takes every opprotunity to play her 4 children against each other. Several years ago I realized (with much anxiety) that I was a grown up woman with a comfortable home, a husband who loves me for me and for who I AM, two amazing children that I stayed home to raise (one of my proudest accomplishments) and a successful career. And I achieved all of that inspite of her backstabbing, betrayal and negativity.

I dug in, I drew boundary lines and I cut her out pretty much completely. I occasionally let her back into my life little by little until she tries to cross those boundaries yet again. Then I make the decision to pull back. I also went to counselling and worked on me because I am the only one I can control. I grew strong and proud and realized that what I've always taught my kids now applied to me. That was "Nobody gets to treat you that way unless you let them. Even family" and "Be very careful whose opinions you let matter."

Good luck with your journey. I wish you a strong, healthy future.

THIS right here!

This approach has worked for me dealing with toxic family members. You can allow/restrict access dependent on their behavior. It's kinda sad that it has to be done, but "it is what it is".

Gharley64

Your mother obviously has severe insecurity issues, and is taking them out on you.
She should seek counselling and get help, because sure as heck this will pass on, and YOU will be doing it to your children.
For that and a few other reasons, I have not spoken to my female parent in over 5 years.

karlalband

Bump

Mustang_Susie

Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.
Your mom sounds toxic and you need to set limits or boundaries with her.
You can't change her but you can decide how you will deal with her to keep yourself in a good place.

ETA: I see a lot of negative replies, almost "mom bashing".
You ultimately need to forgive your mom so you can move on.
You can still love your mom by setting healthy boundaries.
You are essentially saying " I love you enough to say I don't want to see you hurt yourself or others any longer".
At first, this will probably infuriate her because she's not being allowed to control and manipulate you any longer.
Hopefully, in time she will accept your limits as loving and you can rebuild your relationship on healthy terms.
In the meantime, you can know you are doing the right thing and find healing for yourself.

I'm doing this myself through Christian counseling, and I would encourage you to find a counselor that works for you.

toutmonpossible

Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?

What the hell?

Some mothers are envious. I innocently asked mine what she was like as a teenager, and she took the occasion to make several comparisons to me which were extremely unflattering. I was stunned because I was expecting something along the lines of I was happy/lonely, I had great friends/few friends, I liked going to the movies/the museum/reading/dances, I liked/did not like school, etc. It was supposed to be something of a bonding moment.

She was always running down my physical appearance. When I read all the nonsense in this forum and other places about positive self-image and self-affirmations I sigh because if you are viciously criticized constantly in childhood and adolescence there is no way you completely recover. Even if you are the most beautiful person on earth, and most of us aren't.

Later, when I told her that a therapist had said she seemed to be very competitive with me she denied it. It's crazy to think that abusive people are suddenly going to be hit by a lightning bolt of insight and stop their behavior. Even if late in life they feel remorseful, how helpful is that? You're always going to wish you'd had as little contact with them as possible.

Damage control...

Hopefirst

I can relate. My mother was the same way--and still is. I sought therapy and this helped me to finally realize that what my mother was doing was about HER, and not me. The criticisms, the cruelty, the selfishness--were about her. Her sickness. Not me. However, this is difficult to process--because you've most likely been dealing with this since you were a child. And a child wants and needs their mother's love. You will always long for that motherly love and acceptance, but when you look to your mother for it, you will always find yourself hurt and disappointed. Your mother is simply incapable of giving you what you need and deserve as a daughter. Accepting that, can sometimes take a long time. It's a painful process.

Step back and ask yourself--If the grocery-store clerk was treating you this way--would you continually go back for more or blame yourself? If you had lunch with a friend and she treated you like your mother treats you--would you put up with it and continue to try and change her? No--you'd avoid these people. The sad truth is--sometimes our parents are toxic and incapable. The only freedom is to limit contact. I totally cut off my mother. This was an interative process. At first, I set boundaries, and of course, she blew a gasket. Abusive people cannot stand it when you stand up for yourself. You're supposed to be their punching bag, don't you know? You deserve to be in control of your life and your eating habits. You can't do that with this toxicity in your life. You need to do two things--establish boundaries with your mom that help you feel in control and happy; and also grieve that your mother cannot love you the way you deserve.

I am a mother. I had to learn all of this after having my own children. I cherish them, treat them with respect and I tell them that they are important and loved. If I criticized them, hurt them and made them feel terrible all of the time--I would deserve no contact with them. All of this is a process...it won't change overnight. However, I can tell you this. Your mother is a grown woman, most likely set in her ways. The changes will have to come from you. That's exciting though.

I look at the times that I had contact with her--as a nightmare. My only regret is that I didn't start the process sooner. So much wasted time, energy and happiness. I own my life now. I don't have to get a stomach ache every time I see on the caller ID that it is her. I have no regrets.

Find a good psychotherapists who understands dysfunctional families. They will help you through this and help you to heal.

Best to you!

laughingdani

Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?

What the hell?

Some mothers are envious. I innocently asked mine what she was like as a teenager, and she took the occasion to make several comparisons to me which were extremely unflattering. I was stunned because I was expecting something along the lines of I was happy/lonely, I had great friends/few friends, I liked going to the movies/the museum/reading/dances, I liked/did not like school, etc. It was supposed to be something of a bonding moment.

She was always running down my physical appearance. When I read all the nonsense in this forum and other places about positive self-image and self-affirmations I sigh because if you are viciously criticized constantly in childhood and adolescence there is no way you completely recover. Even if you are the most beautiful person on earth, and most of us aren't.

Later, when I told her that a therapist had said she seemed to be very competitive with me she denied it. It's crazy to think that abusive people are suddenly going to be hit by a lightning bolt of insight and stop their behavior. Even if late in life they feel remorseful, how helpful is that? You're always going to wish you'd had as little contact with them as possible.

Damage control...

No. I know what he meant. It was just a creepy statement.

Flab2fitfi

The one reason i think this thread is great is that we are bought up to respect our families and our mothers especially. Cutting a toxic person out of your life is difficult enough but when it is a family member it is so much harder.

I dont wish my relationship with my mother on anyone but this thread has shown me that I'm not the only one that has to cut ties with a family member . And that sometimes for our emotional and even physical health we have to make that decision.

Blood is thicker than water may be true but just because someone has given birth to you does not not given them the right to treat you badly. Respect, especially as an adult, has to be earned and should not be expected.

tlmcint

First let me start by saying I am a 50 year old woman who still has issues with my negative mother who takes every opprotunity to play her 4 children against each other. Several years ago I realized (with much anxiety) that I was a grown up woman with a comfortable home, a husband who loves me for me and for who I AM, two amazing children that I stayed home to raise (one of my proudest accomplishments) and a successful career. And I achieved all of that inspite of her backstabbing, betrayal and negativity.

I dug in, I drew boundary lines and I cut her out pretty much completely. I occasionally let her back into my life little by little until she tries to cross those boundaries yet again. Then I make the decision to pull back. I also went to counselling and worked on me because I am the only one I can control. I grew strong and proud and realized that what I've always taught my kids now applied to me. That was "Nobody gets to treat you that way unless you let them. Even family" and "Be very careful whose opinions you let matter."

Good luck with your journey. I wish you a strong, healthy future.

This!!!! Draw a boundary, don't let her cross it, people treat us how we train them to treat us. If you allow the trash talk, she'll keep doing it.

Also, counseling, for you and her if she would ever consent to go. Learn your value and don't let her shake you from that knowledge.

And last.. forgiveness and compassion. Personally, in my own dealings with a toxic Mother, and Father, I had to realize that a large part of the reason my Mother was hateful, was because she was wounded and hurting herself. Often, people just can't keep themselves from lashing out when wounded... and/or jealous. Perhaps even she wants to sabotage you so that she doesn't look so bad herself. Don't let her, it is all in your hands. If you can find at all some compassion for her, it will help you to forgive, not for her. but for you. The old cliché is very true, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

xidia

I can recommend "When you and your mother can't be friends" as a self-help book. I'd also suggest therapy, if you can access it. You can change how you react to her - which is what self-help and therapy will help you learn to do - but you can't change her. That can be hard, and painful to realise.

I dropped contact with my Mum for around a year, because I needed to get myself to a point where I could relate to her even if she didn't change, which I couldn't do while in touch with her. As it happens, she finally recognised she had a problem and sorted herself out during that year, and we're feeling our way towards a good relationship. But that was still her choice to change - I was simply finding myself the time and space to develop some resilience and coping methods, and working through the damage of 25+ years.

toutmonpossible

I can relate. My mother was the same way--and still is. I sought therapy and this helped me to finally realize that what my mother was doing was about HER, and not me. The criticisms, the cruelty, the selfishness--were about her. Her sickness. Not me. However, this is difficult to process--because you've most likely been dealing with this since you were a child. And a child wants and needs their mother's love. You will always long for that motherly love and acceptance, but when you look to your mother for it, you will always find yourself hurt and disappointed. Your mother is simply incapable of giving you what you need and deserve as a daughter. Accepting that, can sometimes take a long time. It's a painful process.

Tell me about it. When I was a young teenager, my mother would say vicious things that brought tears to my eyes. Yet I'd have to engage in mental gymnastics to convince myself that what she said was for my own good. After a while I couldn't do that.

Oddly enough, I occasionally feel guilty about having almost no contact with my mother although she was completely at fault. I guess that means I have a bit more empathy. But I cannot let her make me miserable, which she still enjoys doing. Whatever the weak point of the person visiting, she will seize on it instantly and not let it go.

toutmonpossible

Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?

What the hell?

Some mothers are envious. I innocently asked mine what she was like as a teenager, and she took the occasion to make several comparisons to me which were extremely unflattering. I was stunned because I was expecting something along the lines of I was happy/lonely, I had great friends/few friends, I liked going to the movies/the museum/reading/dances, I liked/did not like school, etc. It was supposed to be something of a bonding moment.

She was always running down my physical appearance. When I read all the nonsense in this forum and other places about positive self-image and self-affirmations I sigh because if you are viciously criticized constantly in childhood and adolescence there is no way you completely recover. Even if you are the most beautiful person on earth, and most of us aren't.

Later, when I told her that a therapist had said she seemed to be very competitive with me she denied it. It's crazy to think that abusive people are suddenly going to be hit by a lightning bolt of insight and stop their behavior. Even if late in life they feel remorseful, how helpful is that? You're always going to wish you'd had as little contact with them as possible.

Damage control...

No. I know what he meant. It was just a creepy statement.

I knew you knew (and I agree his statement was creepy). I just wanted to elaborate. I grew up with all the 60s sitcom ideas of what a family was supposed to be like and your mother was supposed to be a positive, supportive, even self-sacrificing figure. My mother was usually none of those things. And if you have a _tty family, you always think it's because there's something wrong with you.