I have serious problems with my mom

Mustang_Susie

And last.. forgiveness and compassion. Personally, in my own dealings with a toxic Mother, and Father, I had to realize that a large part of the reason my Mother was hateful, was because she was wounded and hurting herself. Often, people just can't keep themselves from lashing out when wounded... and/or jealous. Perhaps even she wants to sabotage you so that she doesn't look so bad herself. Don't let her, it is all in your hands. If you can find at all some compassion for her, it will help you to forgive, not for her. but for you. The old cliché is very true, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

Agree. Forgiveness is essential.
It's not saying that what they did was okay or letting them off the hook, so to speak.
It's about letting go of the toxic need to seek vengeance which only hurts you.

leannerae40

Your mother has left a hole in your heart that needs to be filled.

You're cute; you should find a man who loves you but has a mean streak, so that the puzzle piece fits that hole.

Seriously? A man who has a mean streak? Ya, that's a great idea do that...jump out of the pot and into the fire. You be YOU. Once I got older, even with family, I ask myself if I would befriend the person I'm talking to. If the answer is no, I just don't keep them in my circle anymore.

Bernadette60614

Also, I don't want to go all Oprah on you...but I really believe that having a negative mother made me the happy person I am today.

If you grow up with someone who is constantly tearing you down, you can fall apart or you can learn how to pull yourself back up.

If you grow up with someone who doesn't take pleasure in anything (this woman made me dread Xmas since nothing was ever good enough for her), you chose to be cheerful even when you're not happy.

If you grow up with someone who never has a kind or nice thing to say about other people, you see how negative their relationships are, and you chose to be one of those nice, kind, friendly people whom other people like.

I'll add that as a mother I'm clearly the parent, but I have a positive relationship with our son and my DH. I always figure that discipline means to teach, and not to humiliate (which was my mother's way.)

Your mother (and mine) are like heavy weights. When you lift them off you enough, you become stronger and stronger.

GL. You can do it!

Added: Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps having issues with your mother and not being able to deal with them has become such a part of your identity that it is hard to let go of them....?

I have a dear friend who is in her 60s...her mother has been dead for 15 years. I would say that at least 30% of my friend's time/conversation is devoted to her mother. I've learned to tune it out, but a big part of me thinks that my friend (who incidentally is a therapist herself) needs to have this negative relationship with her mother. It has become such a habit for her that she is afraid to let go of it.

ajsjourney

bump

toutmonpossible

Also, I don't want to go all Oprah on you...but I really believe that having a negative mother made me the happy person I am today.

Oprah also promoted "The Secret," so everyone should just focus on happy relationships and wealth. I'm sure they'll come.

Oprah and her guests were mostly well-meaning, but they could be terribly simplistic. Not everyone can just "move on. " Sometimes they don't know how, or they may not have anything to move on to. The fact that they haven't resolved deep-seated issues that developed at an impressionable age should not be taken as a sign that they "choose" to "wallow" in their unhappiness, are "clinging" to their misery, or any other phrase of psycho-babble that is used in America to describe people whose behavior can't be neatly labeled.

Oprah is a multimillionaire with every resource known to humankind and she can't maintain a healthy weight, which supposedly was important to her. Behavior can be hard to change.

I don't blame you for tuning out your friend, but I wouldn't assume her feelings are all within her control. I also think it's great that you were able to take your mother's behavior as an opposite object lesson, but not everyone is the same.

JuliaLee67

I'm dealing with similar issues, and have been for awhile. Finally I just cut her out of my life, and it's been such a blessing that I regret not doing it sooner. I live thousands of miles away from her, I do not call or write her. When she calls me I am merely curteous, when she writes I toss her letters/cards in the garbage where they belong. I'm gradually getting over her abuse, but it is taking time, and like I said, cutting her out of my life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I wish you peace, and peace of mind. Good luck to you. :flowerforyou:

jack885589

Get ready to shout back at me. I've just turned 69 y/o, so my ideas are all dated. Still, here they are.
Your mom is doing what she learned, and you are likely to do the same to your children one day - unless you break the cycle. But first, you need reassurance that you are okay and that your contributions are appreciated. One person who can give that to you, is yourself. When Mom is laying it on, have your own list of things you are doing to help out, and silently repeat them to yourself.
Now, to break the cycle of passing on anger to your kids: hold your tongue and listen to your mom. She is trying, albeit at the top of her voice.
Yep, listen all the way through. Mmhm, listen to her. Show her respect and your kids will one day listen to you. Pass this kind of love on, for all your family's future generations. It's your life you're improving.
Best of everything to you,
Jack

gonnamakeanewaccount

Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?

Desperate much? :laugh:

redheaddee

Stop answering the phone. Unfriend her on FB. And when she asks, if she asks, explain plainly that you are tired of being disrespected and browbeaten and until that changes, you will not be actively a part of her life. You can love you mother, but you don't have to like her. And you are not obligated to speak to her.

bannedword

Sis??

stephross88

As hard as it might be to realize, just because she is your mother doesn't mean that you need associate with her. I cut my father out of my life completely after being the only one trying to build something positive from the ruins. We cannot chose who we are related to but we can chose who we allow to be active in our lives. Especially as grown adults. You need to make the decision to either remove all the negativity by choosing not to speak to her or if you think it is worth the shot, tell her straight up that you don't appreciate the things she is saying and doing. But if she knows you at all she will already know that. Hard choices we have to make sometimes, but life isn't easy.

quirkytizzy

Oprah also promoted "The Secret," so everyone should just focus on happy relationships and wealth. I'm sure they'll come.

Oprah and her guests were mostly well-meaning, but they could be terribly simplistic. Not everyone can just "move on. " Sometimes they don't know how, or they may not have anything to move on to. The fact that they haven't resolved deep-seated issues that developed at an impressionable age should not be taken as a sign that they "choose" to "wallow" in their unhappiness, are "clinging" to their misery, or any other phrase of psycho-babble that is used in America to describe people whose behavior can't be neatly labeled.

Oprah is a multimillionaire with every resource known to humankind and she can't maintain a healthy weight, which supposedly was important to her. Behavior can be hard to change.

I don't blame you for tuning out your friend, but I wouldn't assume her feelings are all within her control. I also think it's great that you were able to take your mother's behavior as an opposite object lesson, but not everyone is the same.

Yes. This.

Not all things can be let go of completely - nor should they. We all hold onto the things that have affected us the most. And there is no shame in that. EVERYONE has the right to be shaped by what they've experienced.

Too many times I hear people say "Well, I am <insert happy/successful/a good parent/etc> because of my loving family, good experience with teachers, a good church who was always there for me in the past" BUT - I'm NOT ALLOWED to say "Well, I am <insert grieving/slightly crazy/experience PTSD/etc> happened to me in the past."

At no point do YOU get to define your yourself by your past because it was happy while denying others the same simply because their past was UNhappy. Both are valid. Both deserve validation, consideration, and respect.

But too often, the line "you have to let go/move on/etc etc" is brought out. No. I don't. I will not force you to give up pivotal experiences of your youth, that would make me a cruel person who is not appreciative of who you are and WHY you are. And jjust because MY youth makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean you get to force ME to give up pivotal points of my youth.

It is not always reasonable to ask someone to "let go" or "remove the negativity" or otherwise remove any negative taint of the experience. No one should have to do that for another human being.

No one. For no reason.

cseckinger1

So sorry about your Mom not being there for you. I think parents sometimes do the most harm to their children by not forgiving their mistakes. Mistakes are part of our learning experiences & teens should be allowed to make them. Your Mom sounds like a very negative person & I agree w/the others on this site, you need to just tell her that you will no longer allow her negative comments in your life. If she can't love & support you than you need to distance yourself.

Lauren8239

I divorced my family... i still love and treasure my memories from my dad, but my stepmother sees me as an evil interloper (even 30 years later)
so , the harsh words, if youre in a situation where you cannot leave, do what i did, in one week, i wrote everything she said to me .. and then i made a copy and gave it to both of them , it fixed it for a little while ...
but eventually it got bad again, to the point where she would not let him attend my wedding nor walk me down the aisle, or she was going to divorce him...

so i said, ok if thats how its going to be, then youre right, immediate family first, i have never looked back , the only contact we have is through facebook.
thats it.

I'm so sorry, yet happy for you. I understand how you feel. I just did that with my brother and father, and I feel like I've been reborn. Good luck with everything! :flowerforyou:

MeIShouldB

OK...I have a mom who is super critical of me and never misses and opportunity to trash me. Both to my face and to other people. I have overcome a lot of bad **** in my life and I would like to be proud of that but my mother constantly throws it in my face. I tend to eat when I'm stressed so this has been a big cause of my recent weight gain.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to tune out her constant negativity?

Remember that this is HER problem NOT YOURS. Only a person with deep personal issues would trash their child. How is/was her relationship with her mom. I have a similar issue so I know how it can be. Focus on you and the people who are cheering for you. Whenever she says something bad, remember that there are at least 5 other people that will say something nice to you.

TheGr8Kimbini

My mom sounds pretty close to that description and I eventually just had to ignore her after I set her straight. You're an adult and do not have to take that kind of disrespect.

adrylong

To the original poster: are you on tumblr too?

I am following someone with mom issues today as well. Just wondering.

Anyways, don't worry. My mom and sister (who have both been heavy) have been brutally honest with me before. I don't think they do it out of spite or hatred, but we're just a really honest family and we say things to each other with good intentions, even if we don't want to hear it. Perhaps your mom is missing the same "filter."

cseckinger1

I had an abusive father as a child & once I was old enough to be on my own I never saw him or spoke to him again. He never knew my husband or my children & he died a lonely bitter angry sick man! I have never regretted not seeing him & don't even know the day he died. My brother called to tell me & I felt absolutely nothing! That is what child abuse does to a child. You don't owe an abuser anything! I am happily married, have 5 wonderful children all successful in their lives & lived happily ever after. Abusive negative people deserve to live in their own hell ALONE.

TheBitSlinger

If she was your mother-in-law, I would have suggested a couple of half-power strikes to the solar plexus.

dakotababy

Wow, sad but at the same time, glad to see I'm not the only one with this issue. I'm 40, BTW. I used to cry & cry to my husband about this; even moved across the country to get away from her & then I realized that I was seeking too much approval from someone not willing to give it to me. I also realized that when I was seeking approval, I was letting her be too involved in my life, which gave her opportunity to do this. I'm not sure if that's the case for you. I wish you luck & remember: You can't choose how other people act; just how you re-act

You, dear, have just changed my life today. Thank you.