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At what point would you say something?
yesimpson
Posts: 1,372 Member
My friends and I were having a discussion at lunch today which basically boils down to a question of what point it becomes the right thing to do to have a discussion with a loved one about their weight (either a high or low weight, I'm not sure it matters)?
For background: one of my friend's sisters is in a relationship with a lovely man (kind, funny, hard-working, fully supportive of her in everything) who has always been on the heavier side, but in the last year to 18 months has gained another 5-6 stone, bringing him to around 300lbs. He hasn't vocalised anything about this to my friend's sister, but she believes he's started staying in more and getting less involved in hobbies due to pain/discomfort from moving, and it's become commonplace for her to find entire multipacks of cakes/crisps gone overnight, with the wrappers put in the bathroom or garden bin. She feels a bit unsure about bringing anything up in case it sounds accusatory or like she's put off by him physically, but thinks this behaviour needs addressing.
I was fully in support of her bringing it up, as clearly his habits have changed in the last year, but about half of the other people at the table were totally against it. And as I have a habit of sometimes being too direct, I was just curious how others feel about it.
How would you feel bringing this kind of thing up to a partner/family member/close friend? Is it the right thing to do to confront it head on, or let them make their own choices as an adult?
For background: one of my friend's sisters is in a relationship with a lovely man (kind, funny, hard-working, fully supportive of her in everything) who has always been on the heavier side, but in the last year to 18 months has gained another 5-6 stone, bringing him to around 300lbs. He hasn't vocalised anything about this to my friend's sister, but she believes he's started staying in more and getting less involved in hobbies due to pain/discomfort from moving, and it's become commonplace for her to find entire multipacks of cakes/crisps gone overnight, with the wrappers put in the bathroom or garden bin. She feels a bit unsure about bringing anything up in case it sounds accusatory or like she's put off by him physically, but thinks this behaviour needs addressing.
I was fully in support of her bringing it up, as clearly his habits have changed in the last year, but about half of the other people at the table were totally against it. And as I have a habit of sometimes being too direct, I was just curious how others feel about it.
How would you feel bringing this kind of thing up to a partner/family member/close friend? Is it the right thing to do to confront it head on, or let them make their own choices as an adult?
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Replies
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Before your loved one puts it on the internet for everyone to see.37
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It totally depends on the person and the relationship. IMO if you don't have a pretty good idea of how the information will be received it's probably best not to say anything.7
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The answer doesn't lie in how many snacks are unhealthy or where the line is between mildly and morbidly overweight. The real question is what your friend's sister's boyfriend responds to. Some (most?) people will get defensive, others won't. For most people it depends how you bring it up, for others, any way of raising the issue is unacceptable, and for still others, it's best to get to the point and not sugar coat things. I think most people have to want to change, though, before they'll realize a change, they won't usually do it just because other people think they should.
I don't think there's a best way to deal with the situation in general, there's only specific situations that need dealing with, and each of them differently.15 -
NorthCascades wrote: »The answer doesn't lie in how many snacks are unhealthy or where the line is between mildly and morbidly overweight. The real question is what your friend's sister's boyfriend responds to. Some (most?) people will get defensive, others won't. For most people it depends how you bring it up, for others, any way of raising the issue is unacceptable, and for still others, it's best to get to the point and not sugar coat things. I think most people have to want to change, though, before they'll realize a change, they won't usually do it just because other people think they should.
I don't think there's a best way to deal with the situation in general, there's only specific situations that need dealing with, and each of them differently.
@NorthCascades I think you make a good point. I might well be just viewing the situation through the lens of what I believe I would prefer if I were him - someone to sit me down and talk it through, as I'm not good at opening up unless the topic has already been broached.
I think the worry is that he's going through something, as suggested by the change of eating/social habits, and if nobody asks he might not get the chance to divulge something he feels better for sharing.
But of course you never really know someone's relationship/private life/insecurities or anything like that as an outsider, so it's difficult to give advice!3 -
I like the advice given so far. I think if it is affecting their relationship, then your sister (or whoever's sister) should feel comfortable bringing it up (depending on the strength of that relationship). Relationships should be built on trust and she should ask for that trust when she brings it up. Now, I'm not really going to address the fact that discussing it with others kind of breaks that trust, but it is something she should be aware of.
The other thing I wanted to say is: Don't go to him to tell him that he needs to lose weight. He already knows that. He needs a solution. That solution could be a number of different things as each person will react differently, but she should have an idea of solutions that might interest him. Some possible solutions are personal trainers, fitness apps and sites, counseling, Support groups (like OA, FA, etc.) and bariatric physicians. She should present specific action options to him. Then, she should leave him alone about it. He will have to come to the decision to take action on his own. I mean she shouldn't avoid the conversation, but she can't force him into it.12 -
Do they live together? Does she cook meals for him? Maybe she should prepare healthy meals and snacks for him and try to change his habits.
It is really a health issue, and he perhaps needs to be told of all the potential dangers he's exposing himself to. Give him the information and let him make the choice between life or death.2 -
Since his behavior has changed and they are in a close relationship maybe she could speak to him about getting a health check up/depression screening or something along those lines first. There are lots of emotional eaters and it seems like it is hard for them to change when they don't have other tools.
I would say something to someone close to me who I loved who I felt was in physical/emotional pain or doing themselves harm. Withdrawing from normal activities, eating in secret and gaining large amounts of weight would be concerning. I would bring it up that I knew something wasn't right and offer to just listen or help them find resources to get help.11 -
@NorthCascades I think you make a good point. I might well be just viewing the situation through the lens of what I believe I would prefer if I were him - someone to sit me down and talk it through, as I'm not good at opening up unless the topic has already been broached.
I think the worry is that he's going through something, as suggested by the change of eating/social habits, and if nobody asks he might not get the chance to divulge something he feels better for sharing.
It's a very hard thing in life when you see somebody you care about making bad choices. So frustrating to be able to clearly see what the right choices are, to wonder why they won't make them... I don't have a good answer for that, except to remind you that your sister (and her boyfriend and everyone else involved) isn't alone in this. Everybody has watched a family member or close friend struggle with something.
You said he's been staying in a lot more and appears to have lost interest in a lot of things that used to be important to him. Sounds like people are chalking it up to body pains making life more difficult to participate in, and that might be, but it also sounds a lot like depression to me. The junk food wrappers showing up in places like the bathroom also sounds like depression. That's also not an easy thing to bring up, there's a lot of stigma about "mental health" issues which is awful, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read that.11 -
If it were my significant other, I would bring it up when I started feeling less sexually attracted to him,. I think he would top out around 200 lbs before I said anything (he's not a weightlifter, y'know). Knowing my SO's history, I would assume this gain is a symptom of something else and it's really the something else I would want to address.
I wouldn't say anything about my sister's significant others, cousins, coworkers, or friend's weights. That's not my business.
I would mention to my sisters if I felt their weight loss was unhealthy. It's hard to imagine them as being overweight so I would worry about their health (as in something health related causing weight gain, not that the gain is causing them issues) and would inquire on that if they became overweight.
So, there are basically 5 people including myself who have weights that are within the realm of my concern or business. One is my minor child whom I am responsible for. Two of those individuals I would only ask insomuch as making sure they don't have an underlying disease I am unaware of. (Love of chocolate cake is their business even if it causes them to become obese).5 -
The other thing I wanted to say is: Don't go to him to tell him that he needs to lose weight. He already knows that. He needs a solution. That solution could be a number of different things as each person will react differently, but she should have an idea of solutions that might interest him. Some possible solutions are personal trainers, fitness apps and sites, counseling, Support groups (like OA, FA, etc.) and bariatric physicians. She should present specific action options to him. Then, she should leave him alone about it. He will have to come to the decision to take action on his own. I mean she shouldn't avoid the conversation, but she can't force him into it.
I like this idea, this is kind of my thinking as well - it feels more positive to approach with a potential solution to the problem, but I guess you have to be pretty confident the other person is likely to respond well to that and not feel pressured. I can also appreciate how someone might feel quite backed into a corner, so, like you say, needs to be tactful and gentle.Since his behavior has changed and they are in a close relationship maybe she could speak to him about getting a health check up/depression screening or something along those lines first. There are lots of emotional eaters and it seems like it is hard for them to change when they don't have other tools.
I would say something to someone close to me who I loved who I felt was in physical/emotional pain or doing themselves harm. Withdrawing from normal activities, eating in secret and gaining large amounts of weight would be concerning. I would bring it up that I knew something wasn't right and offer to just listen or help them find resources to get help.NorthCascades wrote: »You said he's been staying in a lot more and appears to have lost interest in a lot of things that used to be important to him. Sounds like people are chalking it up to body pains making life more difficult to participate in, and that might be, but it also sounds a lot like depression to me. The junk food wrappers showing up in places like the bathroom also sounds like depression. That's also not an easy thing to bring up, there's a lot of stigma about "mental health" issues which is awful, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read that.
Yep, this is my concern for my friend's sister's fella. Part of my job is helping support people experiencing a period of poor mental health, and these are the sort of things we see frequently. I think it was the apparent hiding of the wrappers which made her worry her partner was ashamed, which makes the matter difficult to bring up.1 -
Well FWIW I think the woman in the relationship with him should approach him gently about seeing changes in him...that he seems unhappy/withdrawn...and suggest that seeing a doctor or talking to someone is in order while affirming that needing help with mental health really isn't any different than needing to see a doctor for a physical ailment.
Not an easy conversation to have. But likely to be more fruitful as it is saying "you aren't happy and I want you to be happy because I like you" instead of "you are out of control and getting fatter".14 -
IMO, the best advice on someone needing to lose weight, is not to give it when it doesn't pertain to you directly. If it were your boyfriend, maybe. Someone else's, that's their issue to handle with themselves.
And the reality is that any and all advice can be given, but it's up to the person getting the advice to actually accept it and do something about it on their own. I can pretty much guarantee that the boyfriend KNOWS he has a weight issue.
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Fat people know we are fat.
I have known it for years...and years...and years...
Saying something isn't going to any good...just bad...
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If he's secretly bingeing (wrappers hidden in the garbage) that to me is a major clue that he knows he has an issue but is not ready to confront it.7
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Never.
I tried to help my husband lose weight (he's asked for help from me). He tries for a week and stops. I don't bother with it any longer. He's content to keep eating, being sedentary, and staying on his meds.4 -
I'm firmly of the opinion that you should be able to discuss anything with a partner. Obviously you can't tell someone what to do, but expressing concern is far from that.15
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Eh, as someone who had been on the receiving end of a lot of those conversations, I wouldn't say anything. For most of my life I was morbidly obese; when I started losing weight last year I was at 320.
I think I've heard about every variant of this kind of conversation, from being supportive to fat shaming to guilt tripping, and not one of those was in the least bit helpful. It wasn't like I was unaware of how fat I was.15 -
Lets say this was about money (hiding spending).
Bring issues up if anything bothers you.
Don't let anything "fester".
Heck before marrying bring out all issues:
Abortion, political parties, religion, and yes, even food.10 -
It would be a hard conversation to have, to hit the right notes of encouragement and support without judgment, but if she loves him she'll want to help him be healthy and be around for a long time. She needs to have a conversation with him but I wouldn't address his weight at all. Instead I would encourage and support him in healthier habits because, if I were in her shoes, not taking responsibility for his own health would be a deal-breaker for me. Some people have mentioned getting him screened for depression. That's a good place to start. And whatever is said, hopefully she can make it clear that it's being said out of love.3
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JanetYellen wrote: »Lets say this was about money (hiding spending).
Bring issues up if anything bothers you.
Don't let anything "fester".
Heck before marrying bring out all issues:
Abortion, political parties, religion, and yes, even food.
I have a personal rule to not talk to people IRL about their size or about weight loss (unless they asked for the advice then the most I say is to recommend MFP) because like others have said, fat people know they're fat and have heard it all....
......but in this instance, with marriage potentially in the future, @JanetYellen makes a most valid point. The time to discuss things is before you need a lawyer to get out of the relationship.
Staying in more, abandoning hobbies, and hiding evidence of binging are things that need to be talked about now because after marriage they will affect her life even more. His weight is secondary to all of that. His behaviors will become her problem as well as his, and maybe she's ok with that but it all has to be in the open before she can really decide.8 -
Maybe your friend could suggest to her sister that her SO get in to the doctor for an annual physical, and ahead if that ask the doctor to discuss weight and what to my untrained eyes looks like depression or compulsive behavior.1
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If she thinks he's withdrawing from hobbies, etc, then that's what I'd have a conversation about, because that's what would concern me. I'd leave the weight and the food out of it.
It's possible asking about the withdrawal might lead him to talk about the weight being an issue and then it's him bringing it up and not her. If not, maybe he'll say what the root of the issue is, because I think it's unlikely to be his weight. Sounds like that's a symptom of something else.18 -
If I were her, I'd just let him know that I was concerned about his health and ask if he would go see a doctor for a physical and get recommendations if necessary. Sometimes it's easier coming from a medical professional that is a neutral party than from someone he's emotionally involved with. No one get's that large and not realize it. I'm sure his weight has crossed his mind more than once and a doctor could afford him the opportunity for his inside thoughts to be vocalized. Rarely have I seen someone gain that much weight that wasn't related to mental health, medical health or family situations. People tend to eat to cope. There might be a lot more going on that you aren't aware of.4
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Imo, don't say anything. Its up to people to make their own decisions when they see its time, or not.1
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If she thinks he's withdrawing from hobbies, etc, then that's what I'd have a conversation about, because that's what would concern me. I'd leave the weight and the food out of it.
It's possible asking about the withdrawal might lead him to talk about the weight being an issue and then it's him bringing it up and not her. If not, maybe he'll say what the root of the issue is, because I think it's unlikely to be his weight. Sounds like that's a symptom of something else.
Good idea. I think that makes it much easier for both parties to open up a dialogue.3 -
Since the OP indicated that the large fellow seems to be eating all the junk food in the house when no-one is watching and trying to hide the evidence, I think there's more to talk about than "you're large". There might be an actual psychological disorder involved.0
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As a secret eater I know now when I was sliding down the depression chute it got worse....my so didn't mention weight he went with the concern because I was withdrawn,angry and not myself. ...I hated him for a while until I went to the doc but I know now what he did he did out of concern and am eternally grateful5
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Well FWIW I think the woman in the relationship with him should approach him gently about seeing changes in him...that he seems unhappy/withdrawn...and suggest that seeing a doctor or talking to someone is in order while affirming that needing help with mental health really isn't any different than needing to see a doctor for a physical ailment.
Not an easy conversation to have. But likely to be more fruitful as it is saying "you aren't happy and I want you to be happy because I like you" instead of "you are out of control and getting fatter".
I agree she can ask him to see a dr tell him that she is concerned for his health. Nudge him towards help.Dont push him tho Ive lived w/ obese and bolemic roomate they just get defensive.Its not a character flaw but something can b wrong stuffing feelings maybe.May not b a mental but emotional thing.0 -
Get rid of the junk food in the house3
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I'd say something, in a nice way, at the end of the day, you are concerned about their health etc
but if they insist in continuing in doing what they do, then I'd leave them be, it is their choice, you have said something and they have ignored it0
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