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At what point would you say something?

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Replies

  • EliseTK1
    EliseTK1 Posts: 483 Member
    edited June 2016
    The person in the relationship is the one who needs to sit down and talk with him. The focus from her should be about her concern for his health and quality of life. He needs legit professional help, possibly both a counselor and a Dietitian, but it has to be his choice to recognize the issue and take steps to address it. He is secretly binge eating, and that is a disorder that requires the same level of help as someone with anorexia nervosa. It's not all about food. There's something else going on.
  • JaneSnowe
    JaneSnowe Posts: 1,283 Member
    @yesimpson

    So did a conversation ever take place?
  • workhardtogethard
    workhardtogethard Posts: 49 Member
    Weighing 300 lbs is a serious health problem. If his girlfriend cares about him, of course she should bring it up.

    What I find interesting is that we tend to tiptoe around obesity and overeating. Why? Imagine if that man did the opposite, starting out at 200 lbs and losing 5 stone in a year. Even if he was 5'10", 130 lbs would still be within a healthy BMI for him. But I bet people in his life would be much more likely to comment harshly on his weight loss than on weight gain bringing him to a morbid obesity classification.
  • xWondertje
    xWondertje Posts: 65 Member
    To be honest, in this case I'm more worried about the signs of depression rather than his weight gain. He doesn't seem to be feeling very well, and he might need therapy and/or anti-depressants before he falls too deep down the hole and end up doing something drastic like physically harming himself in other ways than over-eating.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    yesimpson wrote: »
    JaneSnowe wrote: »
    @yesimpson

    So did a conversation ever take place?

    As far as I know, my friend's sister did speak with her partner but approached it from an angle of 'you're acting differently and I'm worried about you', rather than making it about weight directly. I'm sure being as removed from what was not an easy conversation as I am, the discussion was more nuanced than what got back to me (as really it's definitely not my business and I wouldn't have had a clue if nobody had told me) - but the thrust of what my friend told me was that the boyfriend said there was nothing wrong and did not really want to engage in the conversation - could be for loads of reasons, none of them directly weight related.

    Well, at least the subject has been broached. If nothing else, at least it should let him know that she cares and is ready to listen. Sometimes that's the best you can do.
  • Wicked_Seraph
    Wicked_Seraph Posts: 388 Member
    Speaking as someone who's been obese for a very long time... chances are that he knows. It's difficult to not notice one's clothes becoming smaller and the face becoming rounder.

    My boyfriend never said a word about my weight, only that he loves me as-is. I think part of it is because I'm sometimes uncomfortably talkative and he knew full-well that my issue wasn't as simple as "eating too much". I had - and still have - things I'm working on emotionally and mentally. Being obese only exacerbated those issues. I knew I was eating too much, and was very ashamed of this... and so I snuck food. Hid wrappers. Ate in secret. The fact that the fiance is doing this, as well, tells me that there's more to this than him simply eating too much.

    If he's refused to discuss it further, then OP's sister is in a tough spot. Men sometimes feel afraid to discuss their feelings, particularly ones involving perceived vulnerability or weakness - but as a couple considering marriage, they REALLY need to be willing to push through this and discuss it if they want anything to change. At this point, I would consider his weight a symptom of a deeper problem, not the main issue itself.
  • owieprone
    owieprone Posts: 217 Member


    If the person is possibly fragile about the weight itself go for the reason it's come about instead tread carefully but say something and just be as supportive. they might think the 'issue' they have is trivial and embarrassing, and that's why it's go to this stage.

    You said he's changed behaviour so try something like:

    'i've noticed that you don't seem yourself lately, you've turned into a bit of a hermit, is something bothering you, do you want to talk about it, can i help at all?'

    Hope he's ok and sorts out what's up.

  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    She could ask him if everything is ok as she has noticed he is becoming more solitary and it makes her worry. It'n not implying a mental health issue nor bringing up the weight issue, but still might get to the route cause.
  • amb3rj0y
    amb3rj0y Posts: 47 Member
    Being told you are getting fat or are fat hurts, but is necessary. My fiance has been the only one honest with me about it, and it hurt, but I got over it and accepted it. I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. He is overweight as well and we both are working to improve ourselves now that we have accepted it. So yes it is a hard conversation to have, but a necessary one.
  • bangbangchoochootrain
    bangbangchoochootrain Posts: 118 Member
    If it gets to the point where someone is isolating themselves, I would mention it - but not from a weight standpoint.

    Honestly, I think by default people end up with weirdness around weight. Most people will take concern about their health as a personal attack. But mental health or social life is something different. Saying "Hey, I notice you don't come out with me anymore to do a, b, and c" reads differently then "hey, so I noticed you've been eating a lot more lately..."

    And since you mentioned the weight gain has been recent, there's a good chance its linked to mental health more than anything else. So if that part isn't fixed, nothing else is going to be done.

    Also it should probably be your sister who mentions it.
  • cejamison4
    cejamison4 Posts: 4 Member
    Have had to have the conversation of weight with a loved one, which isn't easy. I presented the pre-existing risk factors there were with maintaining their current When they were ready to loose the weight they made the decision to loose the weight and are feeling much better about doing so! ... The decision has to be theirs and be there to support them. If your friend needs someone to talk to be there for them.
  • Aaron_K123
    Aaron_K123 Posts: 7,122 Member
    edited October 2016
    yesimpson wrote: »
    My friends and I were having a discussion at lunch today which basically boils down to a question of what point it becomes the right thing to do to have a discussion with a loved one about their weight (either a high or low weight, I'm not sure it matters)?

    For background: one of my friend's sisters is in a relationship with a lovely man (kind, funny, hard-working, fully supportive of her in everything) who has always been on the heavier side, but in the last year to 18 months has gained another 5-6 stone, bringing him to around 300lbs. He hasn't vocalised anything about this to my friend's sister, but she believes he's started staying in more and getting less involved in hobbies due to pain/discomfort from moving, and it's become commonplace for her to find entire multipacks of cakes/crisps gone overnight, with the wrappers put in the bathroom or garden bin. She feels a bit unsure about bringing anything up in case it sounds accusatory or like she's put off by him physically, but thinks this behaviour needs addressing.

    I was fully in support of her bringing it up, as clearly his habits have changed in the last year, but about half of the other people at the table were totally against it. And as I have a habit of sometimes being too direct, I was just curious how others feel about it.

    How would you feel bringing this kind of thing up to a partner/family member/close friend? Is it the right thing to do to confront it head on, or let them make their own choices as an adult?

    I think it really depends how close you are to the person. In the case of it being your life-partner then I think you should be 100% honest about it and be direct. So in the case of this being his spouse then yes she should absolutely bring up her concerns about it. The alternative would be to bottle-up your very real concerns about your partner and I don't think that is healthy at all.

    On the flip side I don't think necessarily it would be right for a friend of a spouse to bring it up themselves.
  • Emily3907
    Emily3907 Posts: 1,461 Member
    I am probably more in the camp of saying nothing if this is about weight only. Like a PP said, those of us that have a weight issue KNOW we have a weight issue. We feel it everyday in our clothes, in our shame and in our bodies. It is up to us and us alone to address it. Where I think loved ones can really play a part and be supportive/helpful is if/when we start to address the weight issue. For example, if he says in passing he is trying to lose weight or become more active, let him know you are ready to help, then invite him to go do something active or when you get together in a group make sure there are some healthy food options available.

    At my worst, if my family or loved one had a conversation with me about my weight specifically, it would have been devastating and probably would not have had the desired effect. Like I said, I knew there was a problem and it still is a constant struggle for me. But, now that my family/spouse know I am trying to fix the problem (after I told them of my intentions to fix my weight issues), I appreciate their love and support.

    If there are real concerns about the person's mental state or health, then I would address it from that point, not from the weight pov. One of the things that started me down this path was my husband asking me if I was okay and if there was anything bothering me. That lead to a very real and raw conversation in which the topic of weight came up (by me). My husband said he had noticed that I was seeming withdrawn and distant and this spurred the whole conversation. There are ways to address the mental health issue without making it purely about weight.

    These are never easy conversations to have and they sometimes can lead to anger, tears, hurt feelings, etc. I have found the best way to approach most issues in life is to just sit down and ask the person how they are feeling and if they have anything they are struggling with that they want to talk about. However, the REAL conversations are generally only going to happen in the most intimate relationships. So, if you are not extremely close to this person, then I think it best to leave it to the person that is extremely close.

  • Chadxx
    Chadxx Posts: 1,199 Member
    NorthCascades wrote: »
    The answer doesn't lie in how many snacks are unhealthy or where the line is between mildly and morbidly overweight. The real question is what your friend's sister's boyfriend responds to. Some (most?) people will get defensive, others won't. For most people it depends how you bring it up, for others, any way of raising the issue is unacceptable, and for still others, it's best to get to the point and not sugar coat things. I think most people have to want to change, though, before they'll realize a change, they won't usually do it just because other people think they should.

    I don't think there's a best way to deal with the situation in general, there's only specific situations that need dealing with, and each of them differently.

    Very good answer here. Also, I would be very concerned about why he has started binging on junk food. Often, people overeat because they are depressed which leads to being overweight and being more depressed. I would probably approach it more from the angle of being concerned about what is bothering him and why he has become more reclusive.
  • Watermelon_Crush
    Watermelon_Crush Posts: 170 Member
    I think it depends on how you address it.

    I had both sides...I had one person who was honest but in no way offensive in how they talked to me about it, ie. 'I'm worried because I've noticed this has become more of a problem recently, I'm worried about your health, what do you feel about it? Is there anything I can do to help you start getting healthier?' and it was really useful as it gave me a chance to talk things through and understand what was going on in my own head so I could make a plan to lose weight.

    Equally, I had family members make what they thought were 'funny' comments and 'jokes' about my weight, but were actually just plain nasty ones, and some even claimed it was to try and 'motivate' me to lose weight....and all it did was cause crippling mental issues.

    Knowing someone cares enough to ask what's wrong and if they can help can actually be a really helpful thing. It's all in how it's done.
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