A Fat, Ugly Bride-to-be

cherrypeach1

I'm officially engaged. At 35 years old...it's about freakin' time. I'm happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, BUT, I'm dreading the wedding process. Why? Because I'm old, fat and ugly. I'm not looking forward to taking engagement/wedding photos. I'm not looking forward to buying a size 14 wedding dress (I'm 5'10")--so I can look like a cow wrapped up in lace. I'm not looking forward to looking back at my wedding photos and remembering how terrible I looked during what should be the happiest time in my life. I wish I would have gotten married when I was in my twenties--i.e.: 30 lbs lighter and loads prettier.

I was talking to my friend today and she was asking me about engagement photos and I told her I didn't want to have any memories of looking like this because I'm fat, old and ugly. And her response to that was: "You're not old."

In other words, I am fat and I am ugly.

I can't do much about the ugly...but I (theoretically) can do something about the fat--not for the wedding, but for myself. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday because I can't stand the reflection in the mirror.

Things I plan to do starting today:
1. Learn to love myself for who I am--regardless of my appearance
2. Work on having a more positive attitude
3. Weigh/track everything I eat and stay at or under my calorie goal
4. Exercise 5-6x per week (running, weights, yoga)
5. Stay consistent and don't listen to the excuses my mind makes to fall off track

Any other feedback will be greatly appreciated.

tayter_tot7

Well you can claim fat ugly and old if you want but not to be cocky but im fat and quite good looking if I do say so myself. How you look comes from within first. If you dont believe it then no one else will. I think you look fine nothing wrong with getting in shape and toning up. Fat and ugly are synonymous.......same about skinny and attractive......Congrats on the engagement!!!!!!!

VintageFeline

I love your goals. And I can tell you, the freedom learning to like yourself just as you are right now (with an objectively critical eye on what you'd like to improve) is about the best thing you will ever do for yourself. Ever.

janejellyroll

Whoa. There's a lot going on here.

Yeah, you're not in your 20s, but you're younger than you're ever going to be again. When you look at those engagement photos in 20 years, you'll be in your mid-fifties and you'll think back to how young you were back when you got married. 35 isn't even old . . . you're a year younger than me and I consider myself to be in my prime! And is that you in your profile picture? Not ugly. Not even close.

Your worth doesn't come from your partner, but obviously you aren't too old, fat, or ugly for them -- so why would you talk to yourself this way?

You can lose weight if you want to. But you can change how you think of yourself today. You aren't a "cow wrapped in lace" no matter what your weight is. You're a human woman with beauty and worth that exists despite what the scale says.

You are engaged today! Get those engagement pictures and memorialize that joy! You're beginning something wonderful and someday you will wish you had pictures of it.

I am thinner now than I was when I got married ten years ago and when I look at the pictures I don't feel upset or angry -- I remember the joy of that day, beginning a new stage of my life with my husband, and the happiness of being surrounded by my family.

Zella_11

Excellent goals! Learn to turn down the volume on the part of your mind that only has negative things to say about you and your appearance. Good for you for recognizing that you need to make changes and lose weight. You are capable of reaching all of your goals!

emdeesea

I don't mean this to sound the way it's going to come out and I absolutely applaud your goals, however... getting married is supposed to be about celebrating the beginning of your life with the person you love, and you're worried about looking fat in a dress.

Okay... so put off the wedding for a year or so and work on losing weight and getting fit so you'll look hot in the photos.

I'm sorry, I just don't really get the fervor that some people put into the wedding. It's only one day. This is the rest of your life with that special person you love.

So yeah.. now everyone can flame me lol! Just my humble opinion.

sarahlifts

Congratulations on your engagement!!!!

You are not fat, you have some fat you want to get rid of. You are not ugly, you are very pretty. You are not old, if you are old then that makes me old and I'm not old!

You want to change, take the steps needed. Your plan looks awesome

But first, stop beating up on your self. Stop the negative talk. Wrap your arms around your self and love you some you, where you are right now. Don't wait to love yourself. Do it now


Be consistent with your work outs and food logging, get some water in. The Physical change will come with time.

The negative self talk stops now. Say good things about yourself until you believe them!

bmayes2014

Interesting post. I can appreciate you sharing your honest and vulnerable feelings. I am sure we can all admit that we feel this way at some point in our lives. Congrats on your engagement. I am older than you and I CERTAINLY am not 'old' - older, sure. But I am getting better with time! Younger does not equal better. In fact, I am sure there are things you are so much better at now than you were in your 20s. I just want to encourage you to embrace the BEAUTY of life and aging. It's truly a blessing. Best of luck on your great goals!! Believe in yourself. It will be hard to be someone else's 'better half' until you, yourself, are 'whole'.

aub6689

I think learning to love yourself should be your number one goal. Right now your self talk is very negative and I worry that if you aren't 100% on your eating and working out that you are going to beat yourself down further about it. Find confidence and focus on the things you like about yourself. Start working out and focus on what you can do and start building yourself. Appreciate the strength or ability of your body even if you aren't positive about how it looks. Glad you found someone and congratulations on your coming marriage.

TavistockToad

I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!

cherrypeach1

emdeesea wrote: »

I don't mean this to sound the way it's going to come out and I absolutely applaud your goals, however... getting married is supposed to be about celebrating the beginning of your life with the person you love, and you're worried about looking fat in a dress.

Okay... so put off the wedding for a year or so and work on losing weight and getting fit so you'll look hot in the photos.

I'm sorry, I just don't really get the fervor that some people put into the wedding. It's only one day. This is the rest of your life with that special person you love.

So yeah.. now everyone can flame me lol! Just my humble opinion.

No flames at all...:) I love your post and totally agree with you. That's why I made it clear at the bottom of my post that I'm not doing this for the wedding...I'm doing it for myself. That's because I recognize that my issue with looking "fat" at my wedding has nothing to do with the wedding and everything to do with me not being happy with myself.

dbanks80

cherrypeach1 wrote: »

I'm officially engaged. At 35 years old...it's about freakin' time. I'm happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, BUT, I'm dreading the wedding process. Why? Because I'm old, fat and ugly. I'm not looking forward to taking engagement/wedding photos. I'm not looking forward to buying a size 14 wedding dress--so I can look like a cow wrapped up in lace. I'm not looking forward to looking back at my wedding photos and remembering how terrible I looked during what should be the happiest time in my life. I wish I would have gotten married when I was in my twenties--i.e.: 30 lbs lighter and loads prettier.

I was talking to my friend today and she was asking me about engagement photos and I told her I didn't want to have any memories of looking like this because I'm fat, old and ugly. And her response to that was: "You're not old."

In other words, I am fat and I am ugly.

I can't do much about the ugly...but I (theoretically) can do something about the fat--not for the wedding, but for myself. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday because I can't stand the reflection in the mirror.

Things I plan to do starting today:
1. Weigh/track everything I eat and stay at or under my calorie goal
2. Exercise 5-6x per week (running, weights, yoga)
3. Work on having a more positive attitude
4. Learn to love myself for who I am--regardless of my appearance
5. Stay consistent and don't listen to the excuses my mind makes to fall off track

Any other feedback will be greatly appreciated.

This makes me sad!

First off you are a very pretty girl. Second if 35 is old I must be ancient (48)!! LOL!

Third just lose the weight, stay focused, stay positive! Stop being pessimistic.

Congratulations on the engagement! Really hope you work on your self esteem.

cherrypeach1

sarahlifts wrote: »

Say good things about yourself until you believe them!

Is this really possible? Any tips on how to go about doing this? Books or websites that can guide me? I would love to TRULY believe that I am beautiful and worthwhile...that would be so amazing!

aylajane

I used to really berate myself like that... But think about it slightly different... How do you feel about your fiance? Is he ugly? fat? old? If one of your friends talked about him like that or called him stupid or an idiot, would you not "correct" her immediately - or would she still be your friend at all? So.... given that it is doubtful you would stand for someone to talk badly about someone you love, would you put up with it if it were your fiance talking about himself that way? If he constantly talked about how fat, ugly, stupid, old he was? How would you feel knowing that you were with someone fat/old/ugly/stupid? What if he asked you all the time "how can you be with someone so fat/old/ugly/stupid? you could do better. why are you settling for me?!" If you wouldnt let someone else talk that way about him - someone you love, why would you put up with it just because it was him saying it?

So... everytime you call yourself names like that, and talk bad about yourself, you are insulting a person your fiance loves - why should he put up with that from you? I bet he wouldnt if any of his friends said those things about you. Why would you constantly shove in his face that he could do better than you?

Its hard to turn off those thoughts about yourself, but for heavens sake dont say them out load while you are working on getting control of them. You are inviting issues that dont exist for him, and for yourself. Talk about yourself the way you would talk about your best friend - be honest, but KIND especially when giving criticism. And remember, you are talking about someone that other people love - they shouldnt have to hear that.

randomtai

TavistockToad wrote: »

I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!

All of this.

sunnybeaches105

cherrypeach1 wrote: »

sarahlifts wrote: »

Say good things about yourself until you believe them!

Is this really possible? Any tips on how to go about doing this? Books or websites that can guide me? I would love to TRULY believe that I am beautiful and worthwhile...that would be so amazing!

Actively work on those things that bug you about yourself that you can improve, and let those things about you that you cannot change go. None of us are perfect and very few are models. You obviously look attractive to your fiancé and others. Perhaps there is something deeper that may be worth fixing via therapy? Not trying to Internet head shrink but it's something worth asking yourself.

cherrypeach1

TavistockToad wrote: »

I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!

I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.

You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.

jwcanfield

cherrypeach1 wrote: »

I'm officially engaged. At 35 years old...it's about freakin' time. I'm happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, BUT, I'm dreading the wedding process. Why? Because I'm old, fat and ugly. I'm not looking forward to taking engagement/wedding photos. I'm not looking forward to buying a size 14 wedding dress--so I can look like a cow wrapped up in lace. I'm not looking forward to looking back at my wedding photos and remembering how terrible I looked during what should be the happiest time in my life. I wish I would have gotten married when I was in my twenties--i.e.: 30 lbs lighter and loads prettier.

I was talking to my friend today and she was asking me about engagement photos and I told her I didn't want to have any memories of looking like this because I'm fat, old and ugly. And her response to that was: "You're not old."

In other words, I am fat and I am ugly.

I can't do much about the ugly...but I (theoretically) can do something about the fat--not for the wedding, but for myself. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday because I can't stand the reflection in the mirror.

Things I plan to do starting today:
1. Weigh/track everything I eat and stay at or under my calorie goal
2. Exercise 5-6x per week (running, weights, yoga)
3. Work on having a more positive attitude
4. Learn to love myself for who I am--regardless of my appearance
5. Stay consistent and don't listen to the excuses my mind makes to fall off track

Any other feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Sweetie! At the very least one man does not find you fat, old and ugly! And when I saw your smiling face I didn't see anything like that either! I don't know your height, but unless you are a dwarf size 14 will not make you look like a cow dressed in lace. If 30 lbs is all that stands between you and the size that you want to be, then you definitely need to be kinder to yourself. Don't spoil the joy of this time - for you OR your fiance - by being ashamed or miserable. I got married at 31, was a size 12 which is awfully close to a 14, and look back at my pictures and wonder what in the world was I so worried about! They're beautiful! And it will be the same for you and your husband.

smiles4jo

Congratulations on the wedding!

I got married at 32 - When I got married, I was a size 14 and, yes, I wish I was thinner (and younger! and prettier!). I actually weigh about 10 lbs less today than I did when I got married. My wedding rings are actually very annoying lately cause they spin around my fingers.

But you know what? I look at pictures (engagement pictures and wedding pictures) and all I see is happy. Just pure joy. Not an old lady worrying about her weight, not someone worrying that I wasn't good enough to be a bride. Just a girl who was beyond happy to have met the love of her life and excited about the adventure we were about to embark on together.

Please try to focus on the happy! This is a great thing that's about to happen to you and you can't turn back time. Don't let the negative self-talk ruin what is supposed to be a great day and the start of an awesome life!

RoseTheWarrior

aub6689 wrote: »

I think learning to love yourself should be your number one goal. Right now your self talk is very negative and I worry that if you aren't 100% on your eating and working out that you are going to beat yourself down further about it. Find confidence and focus on the things you like about yourself. Start working out and focus on what you can do and start building yourself. Appreciate the strength or ability of your body even if you aren't positive about how it looks. Glad you found someone and congratulations on your coming marriage.

This.

JustMissTracy

You need better friends! You are NOT FAT, OLD OR UGLY. I am almost 12 years older than you..lol...age is ONLY a number! You've finally met your soul mate, obviously he thinks you're pretty amazing, so don't worry about the rest of the drama!! Be the best YOU you can be, every day...he fell in love with YOU. Remember that!

BeYouTiful94

Well, first, congrats on your engagement!!

Second, you've set out some great goals!

Third, it all comes from within, and right now, your within is holding you back. We could all tell you that you are NOT old, you are NOT fat, and you ARE beautiful. However, you wouldn't believe it because you've set it in your mind that you are the opposite. My best suggestion here is to buy a journal, and every day write something positive about yourself and your day. And everyday, stand and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You might start off just begrudgingly thinking it. Then you'll happily think it. Then you'll say it aloud but feel awkward. Then you'll say it aloud and smile. Then you'll actually believe it and scream it in the mirror, make a song of it, dance a little. I used to feel badly about myself, and those were my mother's suggestion to me. I found them immensely helpful

Ready2Rock206

I wonder how your future husband feels about all this? You don't want pictures with him, you don't want to celebrate this happy time? He thinks you're good enough, you should listen to him.

KristaPerseveres

Girl, you are gorgeous. Just remember what you tell yourself, your conscious and subconcious ultimately believes. Stop the negative self-talk, you are awesome, you are beautiful, you are amazing!! Your fiancee chose you out of all the girls in the world. He sees your beauty inside and out. The above posters are correct, start working on loving yourself, and accepting yourself as you are. Your body is a pretty amazing thing, it's time to love it, nourish it, and accept it. No one is perfect, not even the models you see in magazines. You are gorgeous, and it's time you start telling yourself that every flipping single day!! Congratulations!!!!!!!

cherrypeach1

aylajane wrote: »

I used to really berate myself like that... But think about it slightly different... How do you feel about your fiance? Is he ugly? fat? old? If one of your friends talked about him like that or called him stupid or an idiot, would you not "correct" her immediately - or would she still be your friend at all? So.... given that it is doubtful you would stand for someone to talk badly about someone you love, would you put up with it if it were your fiance talking about himself that way? If he constantly talked about how fat, ugly, stupid, old he was? How would you feel knowing that you were with someone fat/old/ugly/stupid? What if he asked you all the time "how can you be with someone so fat/old/ugly/stupid? you could do better. why are you settling for me?!" If you wouldnt let someone else talk that way about him - someone you love, why would you put up with it just because it was him saying it?

So... everytime you call yourself names like that, and talk bad about yourself, you are insulting a person your fiance loves - why should he put up with that from you? I bet he wouldnt if any of his friends said those things about you. Why would you constantly shove in his face that he could do better than you?

Its hard to turn off those thoughts about yourself, but for heavens sake dont say them out load while you are working on getting control of them. You are inviting issues that dont exist for him, and for yourself. Talk about yourself the way you would talk about your best friend - be honest, but KIND especially when giving criticism. And remember, you are talking about someone that other people love - they shouldnt have to hear that.

All of this is just AWESOME...and helps me look at things from a whole different perspective. Thank you for this post.

TavistockToad

cherrypeach1 wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!

I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.

You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.

Losing 30lbs won't make you suddenly happy...

tryett

When are you getting married? When are you planning on buying the dress and having it fitted?

cherrypeach1

tryett wrote: »

When are you getting married? When are you planning on buying the dress and having it fitted?

We just got engaged last week. No date has been set...but we're thinking March or April of 2017. Not sure where the dress buying/fitting will fall on the timeline.

enterdanger

@cherrypeach1 Maybe just put yourself in your fiancee's shoes. He must see you as someone attractive and worthwhile that he wants to tie his life to forever. How can you think of yourself as old and fat and ugly when someone wants to commit to being only with you for the rest of your life? Your view of yourself is distorted. Use that man as a mirror and love yourself girl.

nancybuss

CONGRATULATIONS on your Engagement!
You are Beautiful! Add some personal development to your list because girl, the negative hurts. you're Beautiful, you're as young as you will ever be, you're at a great point in your life. ENJOY! Don't look back and hate where you are!

you have great goals and that is AWESOME. Also LIVE TODAY! You're a brand new Bride to Be! Embrace the LOVE! Obviously your fiance loves you for who you are.

Congrats!!

OfficiallySexyVal

All I can say is that when I got married last year I was 5 months pregnant and a size 22 I am 6'0 tall and my gown looked amazing on me! I didn't look like I was pregnant or fat at all. There is a perfect wedding dress for everyone, there are different cuts and designs that can flatter any body type you just have to find it. As far as feeling ugly, I can't help you with the way you feel about your appearance but I will say finding the right makeup artist for your wedding can also help in making you feel beautiful as well. Good luck with everything.