A Fat, Ugly Bride-to-be
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BTW this is what I look like in my dress as a size 16 at 182lbs. So I think you will look absolutely beautiful!
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Well the good news is that if that's how you feel about yourself, he's accepting it.
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It's so sad that we talk to ourselves this way. Would you ever let anyone talk about you like that? Would your fiancé talk to you that way? I agree with the others... Losing weight won't make you happy. You've got to love yourself in what ever shape you're in now. Take a walk and think about how great you are.3
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You need to change the way you view yourself or you'll never be happy. You're not ugly or fat. You don't need to be obsessing about your weight on your wedding day, you know. Take the photos. So what if you lose weight afterwards? I have actual fat wedding photos and I don't see a fat ugly person, I see a happy person that just got married and is with family and friends. I have happy memories from that day, not "aw god I look so ugly/fat". You can ruin any party, day or function with that thinking, and you know what? It's not effin worth it. Not at all. It ruins it for YOU. And yes, it is possible to change perception. Start today. If you're unhappy, do something about it.
I got married at over 260lbs, possibly closer to 300lbs and it was the most beautiful day of my life. Now I am 85lbs lighter. No regrets and I am glad I took photos.3 -
most everyone has the same advice that i would give. your marriage is far more important than your wedding.
take photos - you will regret not having any. you can put them away if you don't want to look at them, but i think it's a "must" to at least have some.
if you dont want a huge wedding gown, then don't buy one. get married at city hall in jeans. no one has to have a big "church" wedding with a dress, etc.
congrats, BTW!
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »
Is this really possible? Any tips on how to go about doing this? Books or websites that can guide me? I would love to TRULY believe that I am beautiful and worthwhile...that would be so amazing!sarahlifts wrote: »Say good things about yourself until you believe them!
i think anytime we have weight issues, we automatically look down upon ourselves. our weight should not define us. it has taken a long time for me to feel comfortable with the fact that i probably won't ever be able to take off this weight as long as i am on these meds, so for me, to get through life, i absolutely MUST believe that i am good enough, even with these extra 60 lbs. go to the library and get some self-help books and read read read. start your marriage with a good attitude about yourself...obviously you are lovely if your fiance proposed!!!!2 -
Hmmm.... Well, when I was 25 I weighed 130 and felt fat, old and ugly. Then when I was 40 I weighed 155 and felt old, fat and ugly and wished I looked as young, thin and pretty as I did when I was 25. Now that I'm 51 and weigh 170 (down 10 lbs! ), I wish I looked as young, thin, and pretty as I did at 40. Acknowledge what you want to change, make a plan, and go for it, but do not get in the way of your own joy!! 3
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You ARE pretty, AND SIZE 14 Is NOT fat!
P.S. 35 is not old either!
Oh, and Congratulations!3 -
At 5'10", size 14 is not huge. My daughter is that height and wears a size 12 or 14 and she is in the high normal range of her BMI. She has huge shoulders and can wears men's sports jackets, and she also wears a size 11 shoe. She's also gorgeous. If you're 5'10" and larger framed, you're just a big gal, and you may not even be "fat." You should be rejoicing in taking this new step in your life rather than focusing on your appearance. If you want to change your appearance, try strength training so you can enjoy your strong body. I'm a little shrimp myself and always envied people who can get stuff off the top shelf of a cabinet.2
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Congratulations on your engagement
1) You're not fat, you have fat. Fat doesn't define you.
2) You're not ugly. It's hard to feel good about yourself, I feel the same way about myself, but you're not ugly. Everyone is beautiful and clearly you're doing something right as you're soon to be a wife!
3) Use the wedding as motivation to be a happy, healthy version of yourself! That's all you can do, happiness and feeling healthy are far more important than numbers on the scale or a little bit of extra weight.
Well done for taking the steps towards getting in shape, but remember that being thin/smaller etc isn't synonymous with happiness and self esteem issues run deeper than what the scale says. You deserve to love yourself as you are now - and by doing so you'll immediately be healthier mentally which will make the physical side of it 1000 times easier.
Best of luck!!3 -
I think learning to like yourself can be hard at first but very freeing when you do.
I went through a period where I said horrible things to myself. I loathed my appearance. I wanted to harm myself. I had to work to come up with a list of 10 things I liked about myself and force myself to be more loving and positive in my thoughts.
I discovered that I had been viewing others negatively as well... like thinking someone was fat instead of noticing their great hair or smile. It was poison.
If that is you in your profile picture then you have an amazing smile. You look like you light up a room. Don't think you are ugly at all.
I didn't lose weight the minute I liked myself. I stopped beating myself up over numbers or clothing sizes though and enjoying life more.
I'm going to be 42 years old at the end of this week. I am so much more confident and happy with myself than I was when I was 20 years younger. The women I know my age and older are all really vibrant and full of life. They are accomplished and awesome people. Come to terms with the great things age brings.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your engagement.2 -
The best thing we can do for ourselves in life is focus on the positives. I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said "folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."
That said, be kind to yourself. You are not ugly, but the things you are saying to yourself are sooo ugly. Rejoice over all the beauty and happiness you have found at this special time in your life.1 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »
Shoot, by the way you were talking in your original post, I thought the wedding was next week!!
Just kidding.
Eat at a calorie deficit and you will reach your goals before you know it.1 -
First congrats! Second, you are not old. I'm 35 too and you just got to a stage in your life for a new you. Not one where your weight will matter as much as you love yourself. You are going to blossom. Open up to new adventures. I saw this video today and I feel that I am finally seeing myself the same way.
https://www.facebook.com/codyapp/videos/1003359086444272/2 -
Ultimately, we become what we think and say we are. Even if you don't yet believe it, you would do well to think and speak better of yourself.3
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If this is you on the photo, then: WOW girl, you look marvelous! And what a smile
Most important thing to keep in mind: you would not be engaged if this guy didn't love you as you are. That's very important to remember.
And another comment, which might seem a bit unusual from a US perspective, but I am non-conventional anyway. Anyway, here goes: The wedding is just a party for one day, being married is hopefully for ever. Nobody says you need to have photos taken, nobody says you need to wear a gown, to get a pink multilayer cake, doves or anything else. If it fits you more you might as well host an informal picknick or barbecue with your best friends and family in a park, get married in a chapel in 5 minutes, or not in a chapel at all but just sign some papers. Do what feels good for both of you and not do what people expect from a wedding. But importantly: discuss it with your significant other and come to a conclusion that works for both of you.
And remember: you look great! And you saying you are old: well, thanks, that makes me very, very old indeed (I feel more like a teenager actually). Weight: well, that's something you can change. Just listen to the advise of people here, go at it slowly, and most importantly: enjoy your life. Do what you enjoy doing or find something you enjoy doing. Being happy with yourself is so important and so self-fulfilling 2 -
Well the good news is that if that's how you feel about yourself, he's accepting it.
Yes. But if you really feel this way give this guy a break and delay or call this off. You will make both of you miserable with this attitude. He can't fix you. Only you can fix you. And try professional help. You can do it but you have hard work ahead of you.0 -
Don't talk to yourself in ways that you would not tolerate from your fiancee or from me, a stranger.
Dont' talk to yourself in ways that you wouldn't want to hear your husband to be talk to HIMself. How would you feel to hear him call himself "old, fat, and ugly?" etc. ?
You are right to do this for yourself. You deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your own skin.
Your engagement pictures can be headshots only if you want and nowhere is it written that you have to wear white lace for the wedding.2 -
I think learning to love yourself should be your number one goal. Right now your self talk is very negative and I worry that if you aren't 100% on your eating and working out that you are going to beat yourself down further about it. Find confidence and focus on the things you like about yourself. Start working out and focus on what you can do and start building yourself. Appreciate the strength or ability of your body even if you aren't positive about how it looks. Glad you found someone and congratulations on your coming marriage.
That's the problem...I don't know how to love myself. I don't even know what it means to love myself. I've gotten professional help numerous times throughout my life--trust me I've tried so very hard to fix this problem. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully heal from the wounds of my childhood. I don't know how to love myself because as a child I did not experience very much love. I experienced anger, neglect, abandonment and abuse. So that is what is normal to me. It's so sad, but so true.
I have a strong, confident and playful personality. So unless you know me well, you would never guess that I'm insecure about myself. But unfortunately, confidence is only my persona...it's not a true reflection of how I feel about myself deep down. It's good to know that it is possible to love yourself. It makes me sad to realize that I'm such an outlier. I thought everyone struggled with self-esteem issues. But I guess not to the extreme that I do. Not sure where to go from here. I could try to find another psychologist or buy another self-help book, but this path feels pretty hopeless--especially at this point in my life. But that's not going to stop me from trying.
I appreciate all of the wonderful replies to my post. There are a lot of wonderful people on MFP...so grateful for all of you. 0 -
Psychology today had a great article on that "inner voice" often guiding how we feel about ourselves way in to adulthood. Is the "inner voice" critical, nasty, and judgmental? Then it's time to replace it with the voice of the parent you never had; one who loves you and accepts you just as you are, and is generous and forgiving when you make mistakes.
http://self-compassion.org/exercise-5-changing-critical-self-talk/
I found a great amount of help in the book, Time Perspective by Zimbardo. I was able to refocus my attention less on the chaotic parts of my childhood and more on the pleasant memories.
P.S. I am in my fifties and I just had my first big successes in weight loss and exercise in the past few years. I continue to put my parenting and childhood in to perspective. So it's never too late.2 -
First congrats! Second, you are not old. I'm 35 too and you just got to a stage in your life for a new you. Not one where your weight will matter as much as you love yourself. You are going to blossom. Open up to new adventures. I saw this video today and I feel that I am finally seeing myself the same way.
https://www.facebook.com/codyapp/videos/1003359086444272/
Thank you so much for sharing this video. It made me tear up...
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Can't really comment on your body composition based solely on your profile pic, but I'll tell you this much:
You are not even REMOTELY old. And you are DEFINITELY not "ugly."
Take my word for it. I'm serious.3 -
Psychology today had a great article on that "inner voice" often guiding how we feel about ourselves way in to adulthood. Is the "inner voice" critical, nasty, and judgmental? Then it's time to replace it with the voice of the parent you never had; one who loves you and accepts you just as you are, and is generous and forgiving when you make mistakes.
http://self-compassion.org/exercise-5-changing-critical-self-talk/
I found a great amount of help in the book, Time Perspective by Zimbardo. I was able to refocus my attention less on the chaotic parts of my childhood and more on the pleasant memories.
P.S. I am in my fifties and I just had my first big successes in weight loss and exercise in the past few years. I continue to put my parenting and childhood in to perspective. So it's never too late.
This is a great website! Thank you so much. I plan to spend some time with this over the weekend and try to apply it. Thanks again.1 -
You are none of those things! Your smile is absolutely radiant! I was also very self conscious in my wedding (I was 28) but you know what almost every compliment I was given on that day was? "I've never seen a happier bride." "You two look so incredibly happy and in love." And when I finally got the pictures back, all I saw was our excited looks and happy smiles.1
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Congratulations on your engagement! #1 Even if you change your eating/exercise habits, do not be discouraged if you don't see a change in your body, even after 2 months. It takes that long for your body to figure out you're not trying to kill it. After 2 months your body says, Hey, I can deal with this, and the weight starts to come off fast. I am 49 and just lost 30 pounds. #2. Change your eating habits FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and DO NOT EVER CHEAT ON YOUR DIET. If you want to cheat, send me a message and I will give you a strict pep talk. You need to eat a lot of protein: eggs, chicken, tuna, turkey, pork loin, whey protein shakes, Oh Yeah protein bars. I eat 150 grams of protein a day as a goal. Limit your carbs to 100 a day - I am down to 70. Acceptable carbs: Whole wheat bread but only 1 slice, brown rice, sweet potatoes (I found frozen sweet potato tater tots!), yogurt, any veggies that are green or orange, but NO corn. Salad dressing is a killer with sugar. Red wine/vinegar is best. Limit your sugar to 35 grams a day. That's the hard part. BE CAREFUL with yogurt and protein bars. Read the Labels for sugar. At 8 pm at night have a Casein protein shake. You don't want to work out heavy and not eat enough protein. Casein is slow release protein, helps your muscles heal and makes you feel full all night. Finally, you MUST drink 2.2 or more liters of water a day. You can get protein powder at any CVS, Walmart, Walgreens. The tastiest is Cookies and Cream by Syntha Phase from Vitamin World at the mall. Use protein shakes to replace a protein serving when you're in a hurry or if you need additional protein to reach your goal. #3. You must do cardio AND weight train. Cardio helps you lose weight. Lifting weights boosts your metabolism and makes you look great and burn more calories. You MUST keep your heart healthy by eating MORE protein if you are going to work out 6 days a week. Otherwise your body takes protein from your heart and puts it in your legs/arms and you have heart problems. #4. Log in every day, your food and exercise. This should be a LIFE CHANGE, not just a diet to get you to your wedding. After 3 months your pants will fall off your waist as you walk and none of your bras/underwear will fit. And you will be really, really happy!1
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I just got married on May 28th and I feel this so much. I had to make a rule for myself that I wasn't going to look at the scale during the month of May because I knew it would just cause me anxiety, so I just focused on trying my best and staying healthy. One really important thing to remember is that wedding dress sizes run RIDICULOUSLY small (I think I was a 12 - I'm 5'6 and 157 pounds), and it's definitely not something to stake your self-esteem on.
Self-esteem is such a tricky thing, especially among people like us who have struggled with weight in such an anti-fat society. For me, it was helpful to speak to a mental health professional about these issues, as I also have a tough time loving myself. Maybe that would also be helpful for you if it's something you struggle with.0 -
first and foremost, like others said, STOP calling yourself old, fat, and ugly. i was the same age as you when i got married, i have NEVER been skinny, and i CERTAINLY don't think i'm ugly. i am shorter than you by a foot, and i had to get a size 14 dress that barely fit.
If you don't change your mindset about yourself, you are setting yourself up for failure to enjoy what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.0 -
You'll be slim in no time! You're at the right forum, add some friends, watch your calories, cut the sugary and salty junk food, add lots of fibre, and exercise...you'll be fine0
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »
You just want to lose 30 pounds? I did that in a year and since my goals were very conservative - first 1 pound per week and then 0.5 pound per week it wasn't difficult. I just needed to commit to logging every day in MFP.
The reason I started last year was thinking about wedding pictures. I didn't even know engagement pictures were a thing, lol.2
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