My husband is always angry at me

d2othev

I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'd try my online community. I am over weight. I always have been. I have also had 5 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have put on a lot of weight in the 8 years I have been with my husband. I was 220lb when we met and now weigh 290. I was up to 304lbs but have been slowly working to take it off since he beginning of the year. The problem is that I am always tired. I work full time as an emergency room nurse and work very long hours (13 hour days). I also do all of the housework, homework with the children, Dr appointments, etc. I do everything. My husband is in good shape. He works 9-5, goes to the gym everyday after work, gets home for dinner and then the kids are off to bed. The problem in having is that I want to go to the gym too. I really want to do zumba classes and group fitness at the gym. But, when I do a class, the housework suffers and I am too tired to clean after the gym. My husband is mad that I have no energy. Mad that the house is not clean. Mad that weightless is so hard for me.

He's a good father and I love him soo much. I just feel really defeated right now.

I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡

kuftae

You don't have to go to the gym to lose weight. I imagine being an ER nurse is pretty damn close to the gym anyways. Just count calories. Go at your own pace.

Unknown

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kshama2001

I support you wanting some time for yourself and understand that you want your own gym time. The good news is that you don't need to go to the gym in order to lose weight - all you need is a calorie deficit, which you can create in the kitchen. Unless you are very tall, at your weight you should be able to lose two pounds per week. If you change your diary settings to Public, we can offer suggestions on how to accomplish that. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/account/diary_settings

Many nurses are able to get in a lot of walking throughout the course of their workday. Do you have an activity tracker and know how many steps you get? I find my fitbit very motivational to encourage me to strive to get in more exercise. It was especially useful over the winter when I was not inspired to exercise the way I am now during gardening season. An activity tracker can help you set goals and work them in to your day.

I'm sorry your husband is always angry with you. Sometimes it's easier to work through issues when an outside party is there to mediate. Have you considered marriage counseling?

AliceDark

It sounds like you have a bunch of things going on that probably need to be negotiated between the two of you, but I want to ask about the classes you'd like to take. Are you just interested in the activity, or is it important that you have the group atmosphere? (Either way is totally fine, btw. Some people do better and are more motivated when they're working out with a group of people). If you're just interested in trying different things, what about doing YouTube videos or trying something like Fitness Blender? It might be easier for you to work out at home so you don't also have to fit in drive time on top of everything else you have going on.

Maxematics

Hey, so I'm not married but I hope you still consider my advice to you. Talk to your husband; tell him exactly what you've written here. You married him for a reason and I'm hoping that it's because he's not only a good father, but a good man at his core with whom you are able to effectively communicate. It sounds to me like you're expected to be superwoman and he gets to use his free time to keep himself in shape. He can't seem to understand that if he can have so much free time to be energetic and in shape, why can't you? Well, you can't because everything you do is giving him his free time to put himself first while you put your family first. If he's so upset that the house is not clean and weight loss is hard for you, he should be more than willing to prepare dinner a few nights per week and/or tend to the housework so you can attend classes at the gym. If he's not willing to compromise, then he cannot be mad at you for any reason whatsoever.

Moving on from that, person to person, I'm telling you that you are strong. Look at everything you accomplish in day to day life. Even if you cannot make those fitness classes yet, eating at a calorie deficit will help you accomplish your goals. Take it one day at a time. Also, it's okay to put yourself first like your husband does. If you go to the gym and are too tired to clean after, then save it for the next day. If your husband complains, tell him that you're choosing to put your needs first once in a while. If he still doesn't get it, then keep on doing things on your own timetable. I know you love him, but make sure you love yourself too.

zoeysasha37

I remember feeling just like you. Hugs. I remember this feeling like it was yesterday.
I won't comment on your marriage but in my case, a lot of the problem was me. I didn't realize it then though. I felt so bad about myself that it drug every one around me down too. ( I'm not saying your the problem in your marriage. I don't know enough about your life to comment on that part. I'm just telling you that I've been there)
Anyway when I was finally ready, I lost the weight. I'm 135 lbs now and have kept the weight off for three years so far
Here's what helped me-
If this doesn't apply to you then fine, but it may help someone else reading.

Once I realized that weight loss came down to calories, it didn't seem so difficult anymore. I used to think that in order to lose weight that I would have to do some crazy fad diets and starve . Everytime I tried one of those gimmick diets or super restrictive diets I would fail. I started to think there was something wrong with me. Until I learned about calories in - calories out.
For weight loss to occur, one must create a calorie deficit. Eat less then you burn and you'll lose weight. Calories in calories out. As long as you eat at a calorie deficit, you'll lose weight. So there's really no need for these fad diets or gimmicks. No need to torture yourself by doing low carb ( unless you have a medical condition) , Paleo or whatever the newest fad is.
Things got a lot easier for me when I realized that it just came down to calories.
I got myself a food scale and learned about portion control and moderation. From there it was easy.
Once I got down to a normal weight, I had much more energy and a zest for life again. Because I was happier, things where happier in my marriage too. Don't get me wrong, weight loss won't solve every problem in your life. But it certainly does feel good to be a normal weight and when we feel good, it shows! My outlook changed at that point. I knew I could never go back to where I was!
You can do this too!! All you need to do is get yourself a food scale and learn how to weigh your solids and measuring your liquids. Log everything here on mfp . Remember- weight loss comes down to calories! You don't have to over complicate this by doing fancy fad diets. Just eat less then you burn!
If you can't make it to the gym, find an activity that you can do at home. Like going for walks, or even YouTube workouts.
Best of luck to you!! Hugs!!!!! I remember feeling like you do now but just know that you can do this!

kshama2001

Noel_57 wrote: »

I feel for you, and I'm a guy. I can only tell you what I would do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. He works full time, so do you. He needs to get off his a** and help with the housekeeping. What freaking law says it's only your responsibility? Or could you not afford a PT housekeeper with your combined incomes? I hope you get some good advice here. We are here for you. I hope he reads this: Grab a vacuum or do some laundry, you lazy a**.

Good point about the housekeeper. When my (now ex) husband and I were both working full time and going to school part time I did hire someone to come in a few hours a week.

If this isn't in the budget then him contributing more is something that can be negotiated.

Alatariel75

Seems like there is a pretty big disparity in the workload in the relationship. I'd be having a fairly serious conversation about how the division of housework happens and how he can assist.

MarriedToTheBob

Teach your children how to do laundry and take them to the kids club at the gym when you go.That'll be their reward lol.

nursecasg

No advice as I am not married (but widowed), but I just want to say from one nurse to another, hugs to you for all you do in a day. I know the ER nurses are always running from one thing to another. It is hard to keep career, family and health in balance.

williammuney

My wife is always angry at me

bogwoppt1

Can you get some counselling? As a couple it is beneficial if you feel like a team and you share the chores and parenting. A good counsellor will guide you through negotiating and help him see how you need balance.

Congrats on losing weight already. Nursing is a very tough job with brutal shifts, I am impressed that you managed to lose 14 pounds.

Count calories, slowly but surely the weight will come off without going to zumba.

I also think you need a friend, a girlfriend to talk to, to lean on, to laugh with. Anyone at work you can get a coffee with, go for a walk with?

dlkfox

((HUGS))

bogwoppt1

williammuney wrote: »

My wife is always angry at me

That is sad too. I often wish I was a kinder human. It is definitely work to be compassionate, comes more naturally to some folk for sure.

Timshel_

You are wrapping a lot of things up into one big hot mess there. My thoughts are this:

• Lose weight for your health and well-being. It will be good for you and has nothing to do with your husband, or should not have anything to do with him.
• You need to prioritize and manage your work/life expectations and scheduling better or you will never have energy back. A good rule of thumb I teach is, your life should be 80% full, so in times you really need to give 100% you can. If you are at 100% all the time you have nothing more to give when things get tough. I realize we are socialized and made to feel anything less than 100% is slacking, but that is just stupid work martyrism.
• Your husband should be helping to support you and be able to see how much you do. If he doesn't care for you the way you want, you need to address that or it will fester. Or just get worse.

All the best.

Annahbananas

I had a husband like that. Keyword: had.

Marriage is a partnership. Must be nice that he can do all the fitness things but makes you do most of the work

EatwellLivehappy

First, some people are here are saying really unhelpful comments.

Second, sounds like you need to have a few more conversations with your husband. You are motivated, you are willing, but you are energetically compensated! And it's so not fair that you are doing all the work and he's not--and as a result your health is suffering. It sounds like you both need to find a balance in your parenting, because the relationship does not sound equal at all. If you evened out the chores, you both would probably have a very stable household, and both of you would be in good health! Time for him to man up.

Carlos_421

First question: does he know you feel this way? Or does he just know that you you're always tired but want to lose weight? He may feel as defeated as you do right now (after all, he probably wants you to succeed and be happy as much as you want it yourself) and a calm conversation about it may go a long way to help things.
Second question: does he know how much it would mean to you if he helped around the house?
Third question (TMI ALERT): has the state of defeat and exhaustion taken a toll on your private love life?
Fourth question: have you considered leveraging the subject of the third question to help deliver the proposal of the second question as a means of reaching progress on the dilemma of the first question?

meritage4

Renegotiate the housework thing. He can make dinner sometimes. Both of you can do laundry. Can the kids pitch in too? Make one evening or day or even a few hours "family cleans the house time". and lower the housecleaning standards.

RodaRose

Announce that you are hiring a house keeper to come in two days a week.
Above all, prioritize your sleep.

Annahbananas

meritage4 wrote: »

Renegotiate the housework thing. He can make dinner sometimes. Both of you can do laundry. Can the kids pitch in too? Make one evening or day or even a few hours "family cleans the house time". and lower the housecleaning standards.

I have a feeling her husband would have no part in that

msalicia116

I haven't read the responses, but this is my limited understanding of it. Your husband is doing a good job of meeting his needs as far as his health is concerned. Nothing wrong with that. However, you're not meeting your needs. Your health comes first. You can't function well in any other facet if you don't make you a priority. That is no ones responsibility but your own.

You're going to have to find a way to make the changes happen. You said you do everything. It's time things are deligated so you can meet your health needs.

angmarie28

I'm sorry, my husband is similar, he expects me to do everything, and is mad that I'm tired and it's not all done (I'm a full time cna at a school, and in summer I fill in at an assisted living home) hubby doesn't go to the gym but is a house sidereal so is in amazing shape, and he just doesn't understand. I used to go to the gym on his weekends, and at 5am, but now we live quite a ways out of town, so I just workout at home, I did p90x and now insanity, along with some strength training.

d2othev

I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.

My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!

mautumn50

I feel for you. It is ok to put yourself first sometimes. This is one of those times.

A previous post talked about calories in and calories out. They are soooo right. If you can monitor those closely, you'll lose weight. Period.

I had a trainer years ago that told me, you can lose weight with simply watching your calories. Exercise will speed the process and good for you, but you don't have to exercise to lose the weight. Also, she asked me, "If someone is holding your head underwater, what do you want more than anything?" I said, "air". She said "right, and you'll do anything to get it". You have to want the weight loss as bad as that to do what you need to do.

Good luck to you. You can do it!!

tlflag1620

First off, the good news is that weight loss doesn't require exercise, so even if nothing changes and you can't get to the gym, you can still lose weight. Enter your stats in MFP, at your weight you could probably start with 2 lbs per week loss, but 1.5 lbs per week might be easier to sustain. Making small, incremental changes will make a big difference over time. And the nice thing is that as you drop some of the excess weight you will find you have more energy!

Talk to your husband. Regardless of anything else, the division of labor in your house, as you've described it, is way out of balance and could lead to serious resentment (sounds in some ways like it already has). If you want time for yourself (be that going to the gym, going out with friends, or just popping out for a cup of coffee and some peace and quiet) you deserve that! Marriage is not 50/50 (divorce is 50/50), marriage is 100/100. He should be willing to help out to give you time for what you need. If he's not willing, then you have bigger problems than missing out on Zumba class!

Usually nurses work twelve hour shifts, but only 3-4 days a week. What's your childcare situation like? On your days off, can you find time for the gym? You may only get there a few days a week, but anything is better than nothing. On the days you can't make the gym, can you take walks with your kids? Dance with them? Do a workout video after they've gone to bed?

As bad as things seem from what you wrote, the fact is, you wouldn't have any more time (or help with the housework and kids) as a single parent. Start by focusing on the calories in side of the equation. Then work on your relationship and carve out time for yourself to deal with calories out.

kshama2001

d2othev wrote: »

I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.

My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!

When I was 240 pounds just changing my lifestyle immediately gave me more energy.

What I eat and how active I am have a tremendous impact on my energy level. For example, bread made from flour makes me sleepy, but bread made from sprouted grains from brands like Ezekial/Food for Life and Alvarado St Bakery does not. Reducing carbs and upping protein and veggies helped quite a bit.

I've found if I get in some exercise at lunch time, I am much more energized in the afternoon and into the evening. I have a desk job, though - how much walking around are you doing at work? Do you have excellent shoes?

Are you getting good quality sleep at night?

zoeysasha37

Carlos_421 wrote: »

First question: does he know you feel this way? Or does he just know that you you're always tired but want to lose weight? He may feel as defeated as you do right now (after all, he probably wants you to succeed and be happy as much as you want it yourself) and a calm conversation about it may go a long way to help things.
Second question: does he know how much it would mean to you if he helped around the house?
Third question (TMI ALERT): has the state of defeat and exhaustion taken a toll on your private love life?
Fourth question: have you considered leveraging the subject of the third question to help deliver the proposal of the second question as a means of reaching progress on the dilemma of the first question?

I like this idea!

When I was in a similar situation, my husband really didn't know that I expected xyz from him. Because i wasn't clear about my feelings, he had no idea what was really going on. He just knew I was tired, angry, over whelmed, upset, depressed and didn't know my exact reasons why. He got angry, depressed and frustrated. It helped a lot to sit down and have a talk about what was expected of each other and why. ( This didn't happen with one talk. It took a while)

Op- your situation could be very different then mine though but it still can't hurt to try to talk to him about this. Even if you write a list of your feelings and try to explain each thing on the list( sometimes it's hard to get everything out in the open at once so a list can be helpful)

3dogsrunning

d2othev wrote: »

I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.

My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!

This quote is pretty concerning.

Have you considered what might happen if that day doesn't come?

You do you and your relationship how it works for you. But is it working for you?

ETA - sorry, I didn't just mean if you don't lose the weight. I mean even if you lose the weight and it still isn't better.

jgnatca

Here's a tip about counselling that a lot of people miss. You know your relationship is not where it needs to be. He hasn't realized how close you are to the edge. So you get counselling for yourself. You may get more tips on how to change the dynamics of your relationship. Are there counselling resources available to you at work?

Nobody deserves to have someone mad at them all the time, especially a life partner.

I once weighed as much as you. The first twenty pounds off was such a big deal, and even then I started to feel so much better. Kudos to the work you have done so far.