Date decided I was too fat after getting naked

daydreams_of_pretty

This is embarrassing.

A couple of weeks ago a guy I'd been dating decided after seeing me naked got the first time that I'm too fat, and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He did (helpfully) provide a list of the parts of me that ARE attractive (basically everything but my torso). His comments are really messing with my head, especially since I'm not happy with my body and already losing weight. (I've been on MFP for two years now.)

I spend so much time trying to convince myself that having this extra weight doesn't nullify my other good qualities, but he straight up told me it did. He told me he was falling in love with me and that everything else about me was perfect and unique, but he didn't think he could ever be attracted to me again because of the fat.

This has lead to a lot of my friends and relatives remarking, "You're not even that fat."

Annnddddd I'm *kitten* things up with a new guy because I'm all worried about it now. What if he does the same thing?

I'm working out a ton right now.

So, yeah.

bpp23

Remember you are beautiful no matter what size you are. His loss...

healthygreek

I'm wondering if he got "some" before telling you that.
In either case-what an *kitten*!
Good thing he showed you who he is before you wasted anymore time with him!
You are beautiful and worthy of a man who loves everything about you!
My man (married 42 years) has loved me wholeheartedly in all my physical states!

sweetdianachka

what an a-hole! Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you can like or not like whomever, but seriously, if you can't be comfortable around your partner, then they are not the right one for you. I'm sorry he is messing with your head, but just remember, when you meet that someone special, they will love you for all of you and not just for the way you look.

haviegirl

Whew! Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

sunshines4nate

He is just a tit! Honestly who has the right to do that and i bet he has major insecurities of his own and that was his way of feeling better about himself! Ignore him! He clearly is not the person you want to be in a relationship with and he certainly does not deserve happiness to bring someones self esteem down so far with his loudy words. Dont let him see it has affected you, move on and focus on this new guy.. if he is in love with you.. he is in love eith all of you, he has made a deep emotional connection with you and will love every wobble and curve.. that other guy can go lie on his own lonely!!

44to44

I am so sorry this happened to you. That is my nightmare right there, and one of the reasons I don't even bother to date right now. How kind of him to be so helpful by pointing out the various parts that meet with his approval. I would think, statistically speaking, that the chances of 2 guys in a row being that clueless and mean are quite low. And if your profile photo is any indication of the shape you're in, you look great! Good luck with the new guy!

michelleepotter

Seriously, he sounds like a complete *kitten*. Whatever his good qualities are, they don't nullify his personality. First, for being so completely shallow that slight physical imperfection (something so NOT obvious about you he didn't even see it until you were naked) overrides everything he did like about you. (And really, he was mentally judging your body in a moment of passion? Who DOES that??) Second, for being so classless and insensitive to TELL you that after you literally bared yourself to him and trusted him to be that vulnerable. (Whatever happened to, "It's not you; it's me"?) Third, for being so CLUELESS as to think that telling you specifically which parts of your body were good or bad was anything but the biggest jerk move of all.

It's not you, darlin'. It's HIM.

peter_rotten

Agreed. Bullet dodged.

Keep in mind that while he saw one small thing that he didn't like, he also showed off one HUGE thing that YOU didn't (and shouldn't!) like - his shallow personality!

*Edit because I'm not through being angry: If he ever contacts you again, hit him where it hurts. Tell him that if he can make an exception for your "fat" stomach, you can make an exception for his small d*%&.

NinaKSanghera

To give you a complete honest, no holds barred response to this, your date sounds like a right d1ckhead. How dare he criticise you in this way? Your weight and how happy you are with your body is your own prerogative. Is your date completely perfect? Would you criticise him or bring him down low in this way? I bet you wouldn't and he has no right to do it to you either.

I would concentrate on your journey and how you feel about yourself and try to distance yourself from drainers like this person and to the others who say 'you're not even that fat'. Stick with the people who make you feel good about yourself. You are worth so much more than this.

Sending you a big, uncritical hug. Xx

Sued0nim

What a kittening kittarse. What the kittening kitten did the kittenhead thing he was kittening well doing. Is he some kind of kittening miracle of modern attractiveness

tell him to kitten the kitten off and when he gets there kitten off some more

(and yes I typed every single one of those kittens cos

Sued0nim

I have been with the same man for 20 years - he loved me thin, pregnant, chubby, obese, and fit

He thought I was gorgeous thin, pregnant, chubby, obese and fit

He would never take one body part and make a deal out it

I'm unreasonably infuriated by the petulant arsey child you apparently found yourself with

Please list his good and bad qualities

KetoneKaren

Yep - dodged a bullet. I feel sorry for whoever he ends up with, lest she become pregnant, gain a few pounds, need a mastectomy, or (God forbid) grow old and saggy & wrinkly. Of course he will remain Adonis-like his entire life, I am certain. Ugh. Loser.

100df

Sounds to me like he doesn't know what real love is. Been married 21 years and my husband has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes all at once! Real love sees through all that.

I agree with all the kittening going on above me!

Sorry this happened.

LaceyBirds

How nice. You thought you were dating a person, and he thought he was dating a collection of body parts. He thought he was falling in love with "you" - really? So he fell in love with your boobs and butt, but the love did not extend to your gut? (Sorry, not making fun of your bod, it just rhymed nicely). What a guy!!! What a catch!!! I think the truly terrible part is telling you he was falling in love with you, but you were too fat for him - just plan old cruel, and I think, intentionally cruel. Please don't think if you lost weight he would then love all of you - he wouldn't. He would find something else to criticize, and then something else, and it would go on and on. Truly, you are lucky he left, but I feel sorry for the next poor woman he dates. I looked at your pictures, you are as cute as a bug, so give yourself a hug and be thankful that he wasn't your husband.

PrizePopple

Sued0nim wrote: »

I have been with the same man for 20 years - he loved me thin, pregnant, chubby, obese, and fit

He thought I was gorgeous thin, pregnant, chubby, obese and fit

He would never take one body part and make a deal out it

I'm unreasonably infuriated by the petulant arsey child you apparently found yourself with

Please list his good and bad qualities

I bet his junk was lumpy like matzo ball soup.






I apologize to matzo ball soup, and anyone who likes it. The matzo ball soup did nothing to deserve such a comparison.

ouryve

Well, he sounds like 180lb you're well rid of.

Chef_Barbell

People use the word love way too loosely now a days. Sorry this ish happened to you.

SpecialKH

Wow I'm sorry you heard that. BTDT. Not to threadjack but share my story - best male friend for years and we crossed the line during a weekend trip (we took trips as friends sometimes) and has sex. Several times over 2 days. We're in our 40s and there was some ED but not every time. Immediately to him sex means relationship so he's calling every day. Then 2 weeks later he dumps me in an email because it was a mistake and didn't want to ruin our friendship. Two years later I find out (as my wounds healed and I gradually spoke to him again) that my weight was an issue and he wasn't attracted to me that way. So I was OK with being friends as we had a lot in common. During those two years, not knowing weight was the issue, I went from 230 to 175. He compliments how I look and he's dating a very thin woman who is probably also bipolar because he finally can't take it. So we still hang out as friends due to common interests and suddenly he wants to date citing our compatibility. I said I thought he wasn't attracted to me and he says sometimes things change. Yeah, I'm stable, fun and responsible and he just ended a relationship 6 months prior with an unstable woman. I said sure but haven't slept with him and know I need to end it. I know his tastes didn't change - he decided he could settle for me (lights off, maybe?) because we are 90% compatible and I think I also decided he was very compatible. But I think I deserve more than settling. I know that once sex is in the picture, the first time ED is an issue (he's not overweight) I'll assume it's that he can't get it up for ME, not that he can't get it up. I'll worry every time I eat something high calorie or if I gain weight (which I have - that's why I'm here again) that he won't be attracted to me. And I don't want a relationship like that.

We are attracted to what we are attracted to. I don't blame anyone for not being attracted to someone carrying any amount of extra weight just like some prefer blondes or straight teeth or men with hair vs. bald. And I think it's important to not gain a huge amount of weight after marrying someone and creating a physical bait-and-switch. BUT having sex and THEN telling me was the careless part. That guy knew your shape before he saw you naked. That was mean and careless of your feelings and THAT is why he is a *kitten*, not because he has a physical preference. We were attractive enough to get that far but not attractive enough to continue? No way.

Kettle_Belle14

Wow, what an *kitten*! Your pictures are gorgeous! He was just a little insecure child, you're much better off. Something similar happened to me, except he was my (ex) husband. Thank God it didn't go that far and his true colors showed before you married the idiot.

suzilla53

Ah,he obviously has issue with his " kitten" Trust me.Its good he's gone,he would have tortured you to no end with criticism.

Redbeard333

Wow... as a guy I'm speechless! Yes, you did dodge a bullet, but STILL! What a callous *kitten*!

HealthierRayne

I have to say, he is lucky that you let him get away with all limbs attached after a douche maneuver like that.

I am REALLY glad that he did that now, so that you could get as far away from him as possible, NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.

I am REALLY sad that he did that because I 10000% understand what it's like to have someone you're trying to build a relationship with say a super harsh comment about your body. I was told I wasn't womanly and that I didn't have curves, that my body looked like a box (this was at my thinnest weight when I was super self-loathing and didn't think I was thin at all, now I was a box on top of it! These people are just plain ol buttholes!)

Those comments stick with a person for a while, if you let them. Remember, self-love is the way that you will get past this. I have spent a number of years working through my body image issues, teaching myself how to speak more positively about myself and to not compare myself to others. It takes practice and repetition but eventually the self-love masks all those lame moments where we and others say mean things about our physical image.

You're a beautiful person, don't let this creep steal your power

jemhh

I am so sorry. I don't see a problem with a person having a physical ideal or being attracted/not attracted to people for various aesthetic reasons but him detailing it out was just cruel. His choice to handle it like that says a lot about him, none of it good, and I do hope that you are able to see that.

VeryKatie

daydreams_of_pretty wrote: »

This is embarrassing.

A couple of weeks ago a guy I'd been dating decided after seeing me naked got the first time that I'm too fat, and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He did (helpfully) provide a list of the parts of me that ARE attractive (basically everything but my torso). His comments are really messing with my head, especially since I'm not happy with my body and already losing weight. (I've been on MFP for two years now.)

I spend so much time trying to convince myself that having this extra weight doesn't nullify my other good qualities, but he straight up told me it did. He told me he was falling in love with me and that everything else about me was perfect and unique, but he didn't think he could ever be attracted to me again because of the fat.

This has lead to a lot of my friends and relatives remarking, "You're not even that fat."

Annnddddd I'm *kitten* things up with a new guy because I'm all worried about it now. What if he does the same thing?

I'm working out a ton right now.

So, yeah.

That bold part was a lie. If he loved you, he would love everything about you. You deserve better. He's a shallow jerk. Seriously.

dizzieblondeuk

I mean, you dumped him right then and there, didn't you, and gave him a full list of his imperfections before you went?! If not, go back and let him know what a creep he really is! Seriously, what a wanker!

mickeygirliegirl

He's a superficial d-bag. Seriously.

To put this into perspective:

I met my boyfriend almost two years ago (in 3 days it will actually be the 2-year anniversary of our first date). When I met him, I weighed less than I do now. About 15 lbs or so less than I do now. In the course of us being together I have gained about 30 lbs. That's right 30. When I started to complain about gaining weight, his reaction was "I didn't even notice you gained weight". And he hasn't really noticed me losing weight. It took me showing him a picture last night comparing my start date to yesterday that he said "wow, there really is a big difference".

My point is this. A real man will accept you for everything that you are. He will love you for all of who you are, things that you perceive as flaws or imperfections, he will see as traits that make you unique and not flaws at all.

Be glad you saw the true him so early on. Now you can trade up.

Dove0804

I wish I could give you the BIGGEST of hugs!!! I can't imagine how much that must have hurt.
I had issues with a guy a little while ago that I will always believe had everything to do with my weight- even though he had a little more restraint and never directly told me so.
I am so sorry you had to meet a jerk like that, and I'm not going to lie- things like that are why I'm kind of afraid to ever date again. I'm so angry for you!!!
Remember: you are SO worth it!!! I know it hurts right now, but keep being unapologetically you. You seem to be handling it with more grace than I would, that's for sure.

JustMissTracy

HUGS to you! You need to remove every word Mr. Wrong said to you....you need to forget his face, his name, his everything....He needs to get his *kitten* together, not you. I'm so glad he's not in your life today, he wouldn't be a positive force no matter if you lost 100 lbs or gained a second head.

YOU are beautiful. Your torso is beautiful, regardless of weight. It's part of you, it carries you, it helps you to function all day, it's beautiful! Don't let a few well placed words ruin your self esteem, YOU deserve better than that. If you're starting to worry about yourself re this new guy, be honest with him. Tell him what the last dummy said, and how it affected your esteem and feelings of self worth. If he's a keeper, he will help you to get over Mr. Wrong, he'll be aware of your emotional needs, and cater to them.

And if he doesn't, eff him. There will be someone who WILL love you for every single part of you, he's somewhere, just waiting for you!

enterdanger

I want to find this guy and kick him in his junk for you...and for him. He needs a good kick in the nads. WTF... He should be grateful that you let him see you naked.

We've all had sex with people that weren't our physical ideals...but I don't tell my hubs that he's gotten hippier than I like. Big deal. Someone doesn't have a perfect body. A perfect body doesn't = love.

I dated a vegan, straight edge, karate blackbelt in college. This guy was cut and beautiful..and I was a chubby beer drinking, animal eating, smoker...and you know what? He was boring as *kitten*. Every time he talked I just wanted him to be mute. But when I broke up with him I didn't try to hurt him by telling him he was dumb as box of rocks and lovely to look at. I just said it wasn't working and that was it.

This guy went out of his way to hurt your feelings. Again, I return to the idea he needs a swift kick in the grapes.

Alluminati

I'm sorry OP, hugssss. You will find a guy that will love you through it all, you'll see.