Date decided I was too fat after getting naked

13

Replies

  • Dove0804
    Dove0804 Posts: 213 Member
    edited July 2016
    nevermind- wrote a bunch of stuff but it was off-topic and not important :)

    ultimately- love vs. lust. If someone cares enough about appearance they'd end a relationship over it, it's probably more on the side of lust.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    Dove0804 wrote: »
    xmichaelyx wrote: »
    Gallowmere1984 wrote: »
    Can't lie: I've done this before. Some things just get unacceptably out of hand.

    Agreed. You can't fault people for what they find attractive or unattractive (although you CAN fault them for handling it like an *kitten*). If my SO put on lots of weight and didn't have very serious medical issues, I doubt I'd stay with her. Yes, I'm shallow like that and yes, we had that conversation very early on in our relationship.

    OP, you mention that you're "working out a ton right now." That's great for you, and can really help you look great naked once you slim down (assuming that's your goal), but it's unlikely to change how you look in the short term.

    What you eat is far more important than what you do.

    From your profile: "I'm over 40 and have a hot, younger gf", inspiration: "Chicks, man"
    It does sound like your relationship is pretty shallow (to use your word).

    I understand that a lot of relationships are built on attraction first, then love. I think a lot of what we're discussing in this thread is lust vs. love. If appearance is important enough that one would end a relationship over it, I don't believe there is love there. There are a lot of wonderful men in the world, but it's undeniable that there are a great many men who believe they deserve trophy girlfriends and that's the most important thing to them.

    It reminds me of a couple of YouTube videos I've seen. In both videos, a person wore a fat suit and was set up on dates (through some dating site or app) where they looked more attractive in their profile pictures than in person. In one video, it was a woman wearing the suit. She was very sweet and pleasant. All but one of the men showing up for the date with the woman took one look at her and left. The excuse some gave is that she was a liar for having a different picture up. The man who stayed said some weird stuff and clearly wasn't interested, but he at least tried to be decent.

    In the second video, made by the same people, it was a man wearing a fat suit, and he wasn't anywhere near as pleasant as the girl. All of the women stayed for the date. Some even agreed to a second date. They probably were a little annoyed about the pictures showing a much different physique, but they gave him a chance anyway.

    Just interesting things to think about.

    I have no idea how long the OP and this guy were dating but I get the impression that it wasn't very long, based on the fact that she has moved on and is dating another person after "a couple of weeks." I don't think it is realistic to expect love within the time period that I am guessing this relationship played out so while I hate that her feelings were hurt, I don't think the "if he really loved you he would stay even if you are overweight" type comments are useful. They seem a bit naive, to me. "I'm falling in love with you" =/= "I love you." If a person wants to get naked with a person within a relatively short amount of time, that is absolutely fine and dandy but s/he should be realistic about whether or not there is the safety net of actual love which does often cause partners to look past characteristics that would bother them in lesser relationships.
  • wjstoj
    wjstoj Posts: 884 Member
    pics...for science and stuff
  • Ben_there_done_that
    Ben_there_done_that Posts: 732 Member
    Brutal. Success is the best revenge.
  • Annamarie3404
    Annamarie3404 Posts: 319 Member
    ((hugs)) You deserve better.
  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,585 Member
    onefortyone wrote: »
    My stomach looks like a beige Hefty bag half-filled with cooked oatmeal had gross sex with freddy kruger and my stomach is their love-child. And my husband still can't keep his hands off it.

    I kinda wanna meet this guy and smack him with some of my excess tummy skin.

    my stomach looks like this plus deflated loose sagging skin sack but im single ...and what the OP has experienced is why i hide away from trying to date

  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    haviegirl wrote: »
    Whew! Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

    This ^^ So much this.
  • tuckerrj
    tuckerrj Posts: 1,453 Member
    wjstoj wrote: »
    pics...for science and stuff
    I can't believe it took 3 pages before this finally came up!

  • T1DCarnivoreRunner
    T1DCarnivoreRunner Posts: 11,502 Member
    salembambi wrote: »
    onefortyone wrote: »
    My stomach looks like a beige Hefty bag half-filled with cooked oatmeal had gross sex with freddy kruger and my stomach is their love-child. And my husband still can't keep his hands off it.

    I kinda wanna meet this guy and smack him with some of my excess tummy skin.

    my stomach looks like this plus deflated loose sagging skin sack but im single ...and what the OP has experienced is why i hide away from trying to date

    I still try to find dates, but my stomach isn't just fat... it is scarred from thousands of shots, cannulas, and CGM's being stuck in it for more than 2 decades. Even if/when I have visible abs, the skin on top will always look gross.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    Dude sounds like a tool. First as others have said, you don't need a be a dick telling someone the reason you aren't attracted anymore. Its not working is just fine. Secondly, people who only look at body composition aren't worth the time of day because guess what, we all age and even those in the best of shape are going to start sagging and not looking like 20 years olds. So do you really want someone whose with you only if they find your appearance attractive. One of the most heart warming stories I ever heard was of a man horrifically burnt in a work place accident. He looked nothing like the person his wife had married, he was disfigured and no matter how many surgeries he ever had, he'd never look the same again. He even tells the running joke that they had to take part of *kitten* and use it to create new eye lids. This man's wife stayed with him through it all and they even had another child together after this.
  • Wolfena
    Wolfena Posts: 1,570 Member
    edited July 2016
    He's an *kitten*... his preferences are HIS only and not the rest of the world's. You need to look the way you want to look, not the way he thinks you should look. Seriously, don't let his comments change where you were headed or how you feel about yourself.


    It he was seriously falling in love with you, being overweight would not have made a difference. People change throughout their lives you don't need somebody who is going to base his love on whether your body is perfect to his standards or not because as time takes it's toll, it is inevitable it won't stay the same forever.

    This works both ways- you should also not solely judge a person by the way they look.

    Yes I do feel that personal attraction is very important in a relationship especially at first, but it is not the most important thing and everybody's concept of ideal is different.

    There is probably somebody "out there" who would be happy with you just the way you are and ALSO if you lost a little weight or gained some back.... I'm just sayin'

  • missak610
    missak610 Posts: 34 Member
    After being married about a year, my now ex-husband told me the same thing. That he loved me and was attracted to everything about me except I was too fat for him to find sexually attractive. Now that I'm single again, I don't know that I'll ever have the confidence to trust another man that much. To be that vulnerable after being hurt so deeply, seems impossible.

    I really hope you don't let this idiot hurt you as deeply as I did. I hope you love yourself so much that idiots can't hurt you with their own insecurities and lies.
  • MoveitlikeManda
    MoveitlikeManda Posts: 846 Member
    there was only one unattracktive person in that relationship and it was definately not you and your wobbly bits..........it was that dick and his so so so *kitten* personality.

    he clearly was not the man for you, if he was he wouldnt have even notice if you had 2 heads let alone some extra weight.
    sod him, try (hard i know) not to let his vile comments get to you and move forward, definately use it as motivation to help you get to where you want to be but dont fret about what others think or let it bring you down
  • Dove0804
    Dove0804 Posts: 213 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    Dove0804 wrote: »
    xmichaelyx wrote: »
    Gallowmere1984 wrote: »
    Can't lie: I've done this before. Some things just get unacceptably out of hand.

    Agreed. You can't fault people for what they find attractive or unattractive (although you CAN fault them for handling it like an *kitten*). If my SO put on lots of weight and didn't have very serious medical issues, I doubt I'd stay with her. Yes, I'm shallow like that and yes, we had that conversation very early on in our relationship.

    OP, you mention that you're "working out a ton right now." That's great for you, and can really help you look great naked once you slim down (assuming that's your goal), but it's unlikely to change how you look in the short term.

    What you eat is far more important than what you do.

    From your profile: "I'm over 40 and have a hot, younger gf", inspiration: "Chicks, man"
    It does sound like your relationship is pretty shallow (to use your word).

    I understand that a lot of relationships are built on attraction first, then love. I think a lot of what we're discussing in this thread is lust vs. love. If appearance is important enough that one would end a relationship over it, I don't believe there is love there. There are a lot of wonderful men in the world, but it's undeniable that there are a great many men who believe they deserve trophy girlfriends and that's the most important thing to them.

    It reminds me of a couple of YouTube videos I've seen. In both videos, a person wore a fat suit and was set up on dates (through some dating site or app) where they looked more attractive in their profile pictures than in person. In one video, it was a woman wearing the suit. She was very sweet and pleasant. All but one of the men showing up for the date with the woman took one look at her and left. The excuse some gave is that she was a liar for having a different picture up. The man who stayed said some weird stuff and clearly wasn't interested, but he at least tried to be decent.

    In the second video, made by the same people, it was a man wearing a fat suit, and he wasn't anywhere near as pleasant as the girl. All of the women stayed for the date. Some even agreed to a second date. They probably were a little annoyed about the pictures showing a much different physique, but they gave him a chance anyway.

    Just interesting things to think about.

    I have no idea how long the OP and this guy were dating but I get the impression that it wasn't very long, based on the fact that she has moved on and is dating another person after "a couple of weeks." I don't think it is realistic to expect love within the time period that I am guessing this relationship played out so while I hate that her feelings were hurt, I don't think the "if he really loved you he would stay even if you are overweight" type comments are useful. They seem a bit naive, to me. "I'm falling in love with you" =/= "I love you." If a person wants to get naked with a person within a relatively short amount of time, that is absolutely fine and dandy but s/he should be realistic about whether or not there is the safety net of actual love which does often cause partners to look past characteristics that would bother them in lesser relationships.

    I was more referencing the person I quoted than OP, which is why I edited my original post- it wasn't helpful.
  • dolliesdaughter
    dolliesdaughter Posts: 544 Member
    Ok, when were you released from the county jail after elbowing him in the nose? What a donkey. He is a top notch loser.
  • MoveitlikeManda
    MoveitlikeManda Posts: 846 Member
    even if your not in love with somebody a bit of respect, tact and common decency are not too much to ask for.

    OP is working on her weight to get to where SHE wants to be and I have no question she WILL achieve that
    however that bloke is a pig and there aint alot he can do to change that
  • Lisseth03
    Lisseth03 Posts: 518 Member
    your date was a tool. don't listen to him. and don't let his words ruin any future relationships. you do you girl! love yourself and be proud of what your body can do.
  • anniewhitley
    anniewhitley Posts: 6 Member
    What an *kitten*! And then he listed your "good" qualities? I know it felt horrible, but good riddance! He would not have been a good guy. Not all guys will do that. Take a chance on this new one. Good luck!
  • CincyNeid
    CincyNeid Posts: 1,249 Member
    Coming from a guy.

    Walk away.

    If he's judging you openly about looks. Then I would had to think whats going on in his head.
  • ellie_RN
    ellie_RN Posts: 19 Member
    That's awful!! I'm so sorry he said those things and acted on them. People can be so so cruel BUT it sounds like you dodged a major bullet. Keep your head up high and keep doing YOU and what makes you happy!
  • Larissa_NY
    Larissa_NY Posts: 495 Member
    Ugh, what a gross jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that, but just think how much better it is to be you than to be Mr. Forever Alone Because He's A Douchenozzle.
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,093 Member
    WAS HE SERIOUS!?!?!
    Good Riddens!!!!
    This dude better be looking like BRAD MF PITT, in his younger days to be saying something like that to you.... No where was that helpful.
    Forget that WEAK JERK. Keep doing what you're doing and don't look back.

    Seriously ignore his rude comments and his dumb opinion, you will find someone who loves you for you and doesn't criticize your body parts, he needs to grow up and learn some manners, what a jerk.
  • Amazon_Who
    Amazon_Who Posts: 1,092 Member
    Sounds like he has an over developed since of entitlement. AKA *kitten*.
  • daydreams_of_pretty
    daydreams_of_pretty Posts: 506 Member
    You guys are kitten ;) amazing! Thank you for helping <3

    I do think my shape is pretty noticeable in clothes, lol. I'm not sure why it was a surprise. It's not like I Ursula-hulk out my clothes.
  • jlee0522
    jlee0522 Posts: 2 Member
    That is so horrible. Honestly any guy who could be falling in love with someone and have it all undone by something stupid like having some extra weight in a spot isn't worth it. I know it isn't losing the guy that you are talking about here but that he basically pointed out how you already feel but what a freaking jerky. I met my husband on eharmony and I was terrified when I met him that he would think I was too fat and decide I wasn't worth it even though we had been talking and liked each other. I'm so glad to have found someone who makes me feel like I am beautiful (and I am much bigger than you I bet). I hope you find that and no one ever makes you feel the way this one jerky did.
  • OlyCapitalChick
    OlyCapitalChick Posts: 236 Member
    He was showing you he couldnt handle your beauty by tearing you down to make himself feel okay.
    Have pity on the creature. It is hard for ugly souls to roam the earth. They act out bc they are small minded, deformed and have deminished capacity.
    Thank goodness his human cloaking spell began to wear off. You got lucky there.
    IMHO (and having first hand experience with this as well) I believe we are supposed to learn from this type of encounter and let it help drive us towards the bigger prize and our goals❤️

    Now!! That being said. Girl you are killing me. Be confident. strut your stuff! Be the queen you are. Your lack of self esteem and self love may be like a continual siren for ars clown. You attract what you feel you deserve (deep down)


  • Galadrial60
    Galadrial60 Posts: 19 Member
    Run.
    Do not walk away....SPRINT from this loser.
    If the whole package doesn't attract him, you will drive yourself crazy trying to become what Mr. Perfect thinks he needs.

    He is a dude who will damage you.

    Run.
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