Haters gonna hate
abitofbliss
Posts: 198 Member
Ok - So, I am very happy with my lifestyle change and the results I've had so far. I'm down about 40lbs and still have about 40lbs more to lose to hit my goal. I love having MFP to talk to people who are facing the same struggles and successes as me but IRL (in real life) it's a lot different.
While most of the feedback I get from people who have not seen me in a while are very positive there is still some negativity when talking to others about my journey. Idk if it's a subconscious thing I do but whenever someone says how great I look, I tend to think about or mention how far I still have to go. Most people will say "keep it up" or something like "you look fine now, you don't need to lose that much". When the reality is, if I'd told them how much I wanted to lose when I started they would probably disagree with that as well. I have pretty much been able to ignore comments like that and just think about what I, personally, want for myself.
Something I have been noticing more recently is jealousy. It sucks for me because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or feel less beautiful then they are. I have recently spoke to an old friend - She chatted me up about her new business venture and asked what I'd been up to. When I told her about my weight loss so far I wasn't expecting any praise maybe just acknowledgement. She basically said "Wow, I'm jealous." and that was it. This is a friend that I met while doing the HCG diet a few years back. We have always been able to talk to each other about everything.. But I just didn't think I should continue on the conversation about how happy I was or how much 'fun' it has been. Another instance, I went to the bar on Monday. I haven't been going nearly as frequently as I did prior to the changes I made. I sat by a good "bar friend" who I have known for a couple of years. The bartender commented on how good I look and was the "keep it up" motivator, however...My friend immediately got very upset and repeated how fat, ugly, and old she is. It continued on the entire night and I believe that, combined with her buzz, created an argument between her and her husband. I'm at the office making my food, someone comments about how healthy I eat and they just wish they could do the same. Or I am trying to date a new guy and he motivates me by praising me or just listening to my woes, but then says that he is going to be like me and eat healthy...Sends me a picture of a huge salad with loads of dressing and something I, personally, would never eat and call it healthy.
Seriously, that kind of feedback just breaks my heart. I would LOVE to 'help' any of my friends understand what I do now about losing weight, about feeling healthy and happy. But would they even listen? Would they possibly have the determination and mind-set that I do right now? I'm so passionate about what I am doing that is changing my life, why wouldn't I help someone who is struggling like I was? I can't just agree with the lady saying she is fat and ugly and try to coach her on fixing it. Or disregard this guy for trying to eat, what he thinks is, better.
Sorry for the rant, I just barely know what to say when I am getting positive feedback - Trying to respond to negative feedback is even more difficult.
While most of the feedback I get from people who have not seen me in a while are very positive there is still some negativity when talking to others about my journey. Idk if it's a subconscious thing I do but whenever someone says how great I look, I tend to think about or mention how far I still have to go. Most people will say "keep it up" or something like "you look fine now, you don't need to lose that much". When the reality is, if I'd told them how much I wanted to lose when I started they would probably disagree with that as well. I have pretty much been able to ignore comments like that and just think about what I, personally, want for myself.
Something I have been noticing more recently is jealousy. It sucks for me because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or feel less beautiful then they are. I have recently spoke to an old friend - She chatted me up about her new business venture and asked what I'd been up to. When I told her about my weight loss so far I wasn't expecting any praise maybe just acknowledgement. She basically said "Wow, I'm jealous." and that was it. This is a friend that I met while doing the HCG diet a few years back. We have always been able to talk to each other about everything.. But I just didn't think I should continue on the conversation about how happy I was or how much 'fun' it has been. Another instance, I went to the bar on Monday. I haven't been going nearly as frequently as I did prior to the changes I made. I sat by a good "bar friend" who I have known for a couple of years. The bartender commented on how good I look and was the "keep it up" motivator, however...My friend immediately got very upset and repeated how fat, ugly, and old she is. It continued on the entire night and I believe that, combined with her buzz, created an argument between her and her husband. I'm at the office making my food, someone comments about how healthy I eat and they just wish they could do the same. Or I am trying to date a new guy and he motivates me by praising me or just listening to my woes, but then says that he is going to be like me and eat healthy...Sends me a picture of a huge salad with loads of dressing and something I, personally, would never eat and call it healthy.
Seriously, that kind of feedback just breaks my heart. I would LOVE to 'help' any of my friends understand what I do now about losing weight, about feeling healthy and happy. But would they even listen? Would they possibly have the determination and mind-set that I do right now? I'm so passionate about what I am doing that is changing my life, why wouldn't I help someone who is struggling like I was? I can't just agree with the lady saying she is fat and ugly and try to coach her on fixing it. Or disregard this guy for trying to eat, what he thinks is, better.
Sorry for the rant, I just barely know what to say when I am getting positive feedback - Trying to respond to negative feedback is even more difficult.
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Replies
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You do you and let them do them.9
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Haha thanks. I guess that's my motto but it's tough for me. I just want everyone to be happy damnit!4
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minniemoo1972 wrote: »You do you and let them do them.
This. Any "help" you try to give them, even if it seems they are indirectly asking for it, will be seen as you being a fanatic. As for the negative, maybe just say "I used to feel that way too." And let it go at that. Friends who really want to know what they should do differently will ask directly, and maybe the negative people will start thinking about asking too instead of just doing the old pity party/jealous thing.6 -
That's a good idea, cause I did feel that way!
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You are encountering a sad and all to common reaction to personal success. What many cannot acknowledge is that they have the power to change their lives once they take personal responsibility for it. It is far easier to blame their problems on anything other than themselves.
Congratulations for taking responsibility, identifying a problem, and planning for success!8 -
Thank you!0
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As for the friend who said "Im jealous"...your comment to her could have been "I'd love to help you if you'd like to do the same!"....
I find it best not to talk to people too much about my weight loss (80+ lbs), as the reactions can vary from disinterest to outright rudeness. People usually really don't wanna know. My sisters, who are quite overweight, are always on me about my weight...always commenting or rolling their eyes when I order at restaurants. The last time we got together, my younger sister made a comment much like your friend, and I literally said to her "You just let me know when you're ready, and I'll help you get started!" That was the end of the conversation, and it hasn't been brought up since.
I'll do me, and they can do them. I'll just do me a little lighter!
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Hahaha that's awesome. That would be my total as well - 80lbs. I'm looking forward to getting to my goal and staying there so all my new friends (probably not from the bar anyways) just know me as that. Haha1
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I wouldn't offer any advice on weight loss for a couple reasons. Firstly, weight loss is such a mental battle. I'm sure you would agree that a person has to be in the right state of mind in order to even begin losing weight. It took me a long time to get serious about it, and that's because I was never in the right state of mind for whatever reason. When a person says something like "Oh I'm jealous" or "I wish I could be like you", I'd simply say "it's a mental battle, when you're ready, you'll do what it takes", and leave it at that. The guy sending you the pics of the salad - I'd just say "nice" and keep it moving. I wouldn't make it a point to acknowledge whether or not I thought it was healthy or unhealthy. If he comes to you asking for specifics, I'd tell him what I was doing and leave it at that, but I wouldn't tell him what he needed to do.
Secondly, there's a 99% chance that you will get blown off. When a person asks me what I'm doing to lose weight and I tell them (I always say "smaller portions, working out"), and the kinds of replies I get are always "Pffft! I like food too much!" or "I ain't got time for that!". They're saying that because they know that they want to do whatever it is they want to do (in this case, eat all the food) and not "waste" time working out.
If someone came to me with the right questions (and I'll know), then I'll see that they're serious and try to be more helpful. But if they just want to know what I'm doing in hopes of it being some sort of magic weight loss potion, I don't give too many details. And the "self-loathing"...sometimes people are just having a rough day or week or whatever and need to vent. You can't save everybody.10 -
Thanks for the advice @carmkizzle
You're absolutely right that it is a mental battle... And that is a great thing to say because it's absolutely true.3 -
You and I have different definitions of "hate". Weight loss is a complicated issue for people and has many mental, emotional, and physical components. To take every little thing people say to/about you to heart is setting yourself up for a very unhappy life at any weight. Accept compliments, politely defer unsolicited advice, and be happy with your progress. Actions speak louder than words. If you are healthy & happy, that may well motivate those around you to want to take better care of their health and perhaps they will even ask you for advice. But their journey will have to be their own, just like we have our own.
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Most people tend to get disappointed when they find out that you didn't take magic pills and it took real work to get there. I usually respond with "I made serious lifestyle changes" when asked how I did it.5
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abitofbliss wrote: »Haha thanks. I guess that's my motto but it's tough for me. I just want everyone to be happy damnit!
I struggle with wanting everyone to be happy too and see value in themselves.1 -
Well, I didn't actually mean "hate"... Haters gone hate is just a funny phrase that I decided to use for the subject. Regarding taking everything to heart, yes.. I do. I am a sensitive person, that's just me. However, I don't think I have set myself up for a very unhappy life. Thank you for your opinion @try2again
@jrulo16 - Thanks0 -
sweetsoonergirl wrote: »abitofbliss wrote: »Haha thanks. I guess that's my motto but it's tough for me. I just want everyone to be happy damnit!
I struggle with wanting everyone to be happy too and see value in themselves.
I always have to remind myself that people will do things on their own terms.0 -
Oh yeah, I know where you are coming from. Some people called me fat. Now those same people say I'm too thin. Then we have the ones that can't say hi but can say wow you lost weight and walk off. Then you have the ones who laugh and mock. It hurts from time to time. But you can't let it get you down.
Here's my motto if you will ... You can't please everyone all the time and only some of the people some of the time...
You do for you. Keep striving. It's not our responsibility to change them. We can only change ourselves. The ones that are interested will contact
you for help in due time. Until then put a smile on and don't let the conversation get to you. Talk about work or a school memory.
It's tough being polite and friendly while being over excited about our journey. We want to share and feel we should be able to without condemnation. Truth is, people don't care. People want results without the effort. So let them be. Talk your successes and struggles with like minded people. You are doing great. Don't let a few get you down.1 -
Thank you so much @hypodonthaveme You're right. I was once that person without the mental strength to fix my weight problem so I know where they are coming from. I am sure if I did hear from someone about weight loss I had an "IDC" attitude as well. Thanks for the feedback!0
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hypodonthaveme wrote: »Oh yeah, I know where you are coming from. Some people called me fat. Now those same people say I'm too thin. Then we have the ones that can't say hi but can say wow you lost weight and walk off. Then you have the ones who laugh and mock. It hurts from time to time. But you can't let it get you down.
Here's my motto if you will ... You can't please everyone all the time and only some of the people some of the time...
You do for you. Keep striving. It's not our responsibility to change them. We can only change ourselves. The ones that are interested will contact
you for help in due time. Until then put a smile on and don't let the conversation get to you. Talk about work or a school memory.
It's tough being polite and friendly while being over excited about our journey. We want to share and feel we should be able to without condemnation. Truth is, people don't care. People want results without the effort. So let them be. Talk your successes and struggles with like minded people. You are doing great. Don't let a few get you down.
Off topic, my motto is "I can't please everyone all the time, but I sure can pee 'em off all at once!"4 -
this is totally cynical (sorry) but i get the impression that 90% of peoples' intentions when asking me what i'm doing to lose weight is in preparation for figuring out why it wouldn't be feasible for them to do the same...because if they realize that it's feasible for them, then i guess they'd have their hand forced to do something about it knowhatimean?
"i don't have time to go to the gym like that" [i go 4x a week]
"i HAVE to eat breakfast" [i do 16/8 IF]
"i don't have money to buy groceries like that" [i pre-cook all my lunches for the week]
"no way i'd be caught dead making two or three different suppers" [i totally get that, but with a hubby who burns calories all day and a picky kid, that's the choice i make, plus i love to cook]
and so forth and so on. i don't argue, i just say that it's tough but worth it.
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@cariduttry - You're absolutely right. Honestly, that used to be my way of thinking too.0
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I totally feel ya on this! If someone tells me "wow you're losing weight!" I just say "thank you! That's very nice of you to say" and I leave it at that. It's hard because I wanna talk about diet and exercise all the time lol, but pretty much zero people want to hear about it. If someone actually asks what I'm doing, and I say "exercise and eating less" they are like oh never mind. They want to hear it's a magic pill or something. So now as a joke, I just say "Trimspa, baby!"2
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The guy? Yeah, that doesn't read as jealousy or anything else with negative/sabotaging motive behind it. It sounds like he's making a genuine effort to try to relate to you.
You know...to find common ground when it comes to something you evidently convey in real life as a topic you are very passionate about and consequently consumes a large part of your life. If I had to guess why, probably because you bring it up/talk about it a lot, as indicated by "...or just listening to my woes...". To many people, and especially men who don't normally pay attention to food beyond eating it, a salad is healthy as that's what multiple advertising companies have said it is.
And that's without getting into the whole ball of there's people (men and women alike) who are "problem solvers". For you or me we're just venting when we talk about our woes. We don't want anyone to actually fix anything, just empathize or even sympathize. But for these folks, they see it as coming to them with a problem and proffer the solutions they can think of to solve whatever.
Anyways, since that's possibly a POV you haven't considered, I present it for such. If people are truly toxic, I can vouch removing them from your life does wonders for ones morale. And success, for that matter.
Break a leg on the remainder of your journey!
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Don't try to change your friends. Just accept them for who they are. They will change if they want to.0
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Thank you0
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Your fitness/diet goals are just that: yours. I'm willing to bet all those people are too polite to tell you they don't care.3
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Yeah - I am not trying to change anyone or make them do something they don't want to do. I just don't know what to say in response to "I'm so fat, ugly and old"... I've gotten some good ideas here that I'll put to use!1
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I tore a tendon in my calf a short time ago. It happened at a pistol match, as I do action pistol shooting. I told my shooting buddy I would be out 4-6 weeks. He said it's because my trainer is pushing me to hard. It had nothing to do with my training. So, I did not reply, and have not spoken to him since. I don't need negativity. A real friend will stick with you no matter what.3
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True. Thanks!0
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I'm down 108 lbs so it's now noticeable. I never told anyone in my real life what I was doing, especially the coworkers (judgey, catty, junior high mentality). It finally became apparent around 40 lbs so the comments started. More support than I expected actually. I've had to learn to just say "thank you" with compliments and not add anything that puts myself down, like that it goes slow, or how much I have left to use (work in progress.). I keep this stuff off Facebook (although last month I linked a profile of me that I did for a weight loss blog because I was in the right mindset to finally do it and I've been trying to get out of my comfort zone with a lot of things related to my body/weight) and I don't add anyone on here that I know in real life. I don't bring up the weight loss stuff in conversations, but will answer questions when asked. I find I get more out of the fitness aspects of this and will talk about classes, lifting, what my body can now do. Still have the catty comments but don't really care and that's a measure of how far I've come mentally as well as physically.2
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Thanks for your reply. And congratulations on your success!1
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