Feeling rather blue *WARNING* Content may seem like I'm whining

MissGeorgie04

Dear MFPeers,

I wasn't really sure where to head this under and I needed to like talk to people who've been in a similar situation who'll perhaps offer me advice and help me get out of the situation I'm in.
I'm relatively new on here (joined towards the end of July) and I really want to lose weight but I just really can't at the same time.
p.s. I know it sounds like I'm just whining and even I feel that way but, I just can't help myself.

I really hate myself because I've always been fat and I want to change that but every time I look at myself in the mirror or see myself in the reflection, I'm like how can I change, I'm pretty much a lost cause and I feel really disgusted with myself and just plain ugly. I'll tell myself that I need to go and exercise and in the end, I talk myself out of it because what's the point, I'm just never going to change, if that makes sense?

I don't want people to see me in public exercising or doing anything in general because I feel as though they look at me like with those extremely judgemental eyes and I just hate it. I sometimes even wish I wasn't born because I'm sure my parents would have wanted a better child than me, their colleagues have these amazing gorgeous children and they're probably ashamed of me. They always tell me you would have been prettier if you were thinner or you were so beautiful when you were young (and thinner). I feel really horrible thinking stuff like this because here I am wishing I wasn't alive and in the world there are people desperately struggling to live. I'm so fortunate and I'm just a horrible human being basically.

It's also like, I feel so alone all the time and I wish I had a significant other because then I could talk to them and maybe they'd be able to understand and help or something but, I'm like it's not wonder I don't because I'm just so unattractive Sometimes I feel like when I make friends with people online, it's an obligation to tell them I'm fat because otherwise I'd be labelled as a catfish. Ugh, there's definately something wrong with me.

Has anyone ever had moments like these? How did you get out of it? Really sorry for the whiney moment.

Eek_its_me

You sound so much like my younger self, I'm almost hesitant to answer, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have listened to me then.

But I can tell you where I went from there. I bounced from one eating disorder to another, sometimes thin, sometimes fatter, and always hating the way I looked. Being thin didn't change that.

I didn't start to get HEALTHY until I learned to love myself, honestly. Right now, I'm set back a bit after a bad injury and some mystery illness fun, but it's not stressing or worrying me this time. (Stress makes your body store more fat, which sucks.).

So here's the part I hope you'll listen to, but which I know I wouldn't have: you gotta learn to love yourself before you can make lasting positive change.

It's stupidly hard when you're surrounded by judgmental people who are trying to encourage you by recalling when you were thinner (this never works). The best thing to do is to decide whether you really need those people in your life every day and to find people who see your awesome NOW instead of putting your life on hold and treating yourself poorly hoping for a future awesome that may never come.

So, here's how I got out of it:

I dropped the judgmental people from my life, for the most part. I decided that I had enough demons in my head, and I didn't need so-called friends adding their voices to them.

The well-meaning judge mental people eventually got talkings to, and I laid it out for them: your judgment isn't helping me; I need your support for me, who I am and how I am, and if you care for me as you say, you'll figure out a way to do that.

Then came the really hard part: learning to love me. That took shutting out all of those negative influences and taking a hard look at what I didn't like. Everything I didn't like about myself was met with a hard "why?" And I demanded good answers from myself.

-Fat? That was society talking. There are times and places where fat has been beautiful. I studied them.
-Looked bad in my clothes? Found better clothes, and refused to buy what didn't flatter me anymore.
-Bad skin? Time to take care of myself. I saw a doctor and learned I had rosacea. That was causing my bad skin. All it took was medicine.
-Boring? It turned out I was too afraid of being judged poorly to speak up. I did a lot of reading, some writing, and learned to contribute.
-Ugly face? That took some work. Some days, I still don't like my facial features. But I've learned to choose hair, glasses, and makeup (when I wear it) to flatter me. Not to look like anyone else or the latest trend. And eventually I learned not to care so much whether I was a glamorous beauty. Looking back, I don't think that's even what I really wanted or needed.
-Everyone putting me down and being a doormat? I stopped putting up with it. The worst that could happen was losing a friend. And good riddance. It takes the courage to realize you really are better off alone than surrounded by toxic relationships.

It was only after all of this that I met the person who turned out to be an amazing match for me. I wouldn't have been the right person for her until all of this either, so the timing was right.

It's like RuPaul always says: if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?

Lounmoun

I went through a period of self hatred where I wanted to hurt myself. I punished myself with exercise and hated it. I said bad things to myself all the time. I had a hard time believing anyone could like me. I would never have treated another person the way I treated myself.
I got out of it by forcing myself to find things to like about myself and looking at myself and others more positively. I wrote a list of 10 things I liked about myself- not what other people might like but what I really liked. It was really hard to change the way I was thinking but I did and it started with accepting that there were good things about me.
I started caring less about other people and noticed no one was really looking at me that negatively. I noticed that I had been super critical of other people in my head and it felt good to notice someone's great smile, cool hairstyle or infectous laugh instead of their flaws.
I'm just a person. I have flaws but I also have many great qualities. My value as a human being is not my size and outer appearance at all. Who I am is in my personality, my thoughts, my actions, my relationships to others, what I create. I'm not a better person if I weigh 120 lbs vs 180 lbs. I'm still me.
I'm losing weight because I deserve a full healthy life.

If you can't get to loving yourself alone it may help to talk to a counselor or therapist.

1shedev

First, I just want to give you a hug. Most people in the gym are concentrating on their workouts and barely see others.
don't give up. Make a small change toward fitness, then another. You got this.

sew205

I feel like this sometimes. I haven't been able to change it, but I have been successful in getting past it, especially when I pretend I'm somebody else. I've dealt with so many people who think they're just fantastic and barge ahead on that assumption (and usually get what they want...), so I just try to imagine in my worst moments of self-doubt that I'm them and not me. This works surprisingly well when I can pull it off, though I sure as hell wouldn't want to actually BE one of those people. (Also, remember that your self-doubt and sensitivity to the way you are perceived can be a real strength - it can make you more empathetic and responsive in your interactions with other people, which can really help with building personal and professional relationships. So even the thing that makes you feel terrible is something that can be really helpful.)

Neanbean13

Low self esteem was somethings I struggled with since I was 11. If you can find a good therapist I highly recommend it.
Where it's great to be surrounded by people that have been in same position which can keep you going for a while, honestly it really has to be dealt with with a professional you like and trust.
What I did was I started exercising at home. I bought kickboxing DVDs and boxing DVDs and I made myself do them in privacy of own home for months. Along with a therapist I then challenged myself to walk outside, headphones on and practice not to give a shiz what people thought of me exercising. (Actually no one cares). Now you have YouTube yay!
Then Upgraded to gym, first with a friend for moral support but then I got too dependant on going only if friend went, so my next challenge was to go on my own.
If you could afford a few sessions with a personal trainer to help get you confident with equipment it's worth it.
But honestly, I know of the deacons in your head... But when I see a larger person at gym taking a step towards health I don't think OMG look at them, what DO they think they're doing! Ew
I think bloody good on em for starting.
And actually, SOOOOO many people are too busy on their phones taking pics of themselves or snap chatting their work outs they wouldn't even notice you girl!

oolou

Practical steps.

1) Put the exercising in public thing on the back burner. Instead, stand up where you are, find one of those walking on the spot workouts on youtube and exercise inside, in private. Or just find a corridor in your home and walk back and forth. Before I got the nerve up to go for a walk in public, that's what I did. Back and forth from my desk to the kitchen sink. It felt daft at first because it's literally no more than 25 steps from my desk to the kitchen sink! But doing that for half an hour got me started on exercising. Not long afterwards I went and bought some trainers and started to walk outside.

2) Losing weight is 10% exercise and 90% diet. Or some statistic like that ... The point being, its more about what you eat than whether you exercise if you are looking to lose weight. So like the first step ... put exercise on the back burner and start to examine what you eat instead.

3) When you are feeling like, what's the point, I'm ugly and alone and who cares about me losing weight and who am I kidding that I even can lose weight etc ... I have no advice. I feel that way often and all I can do is wait it out until I don't feel so depressed. Sometimes I get really annoyed with myself for being so passive and that helps me. When I started the inside walking I was having one of those evenings of "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't ..." and then I was taken over by a mood of irritation and thought "Yes I bloody well can." That's when I began. During an ad break on TV. LOL.

Good luck.

azulvioleta6

You sound depressed. Actually, you sound VERY depressed.

It is hard if not impossible to break out of that kind of thinking without professional help and/or medication. Talking to your primary care doctor and asking for suggestions is a good place to start. If you can't start the process yourself, ask a friend or a relative for help.

(((hugs)))

LAMCDylan

Sounds like you have poor self image which is due to shame. You need to address this because trying to lose weight, seek approval from others, and all the other things you do will just be more damaging. Also, learn to stand on your own feet and be responsible for your own needs. Trying to latch on to a significant other or BF is a cop out and won't help you if you are a needy person.

hypodonthaveme

Stop worrying about what others will think of you exercising in public. Be proud of yourself for not being the one still sitting on the couch. I love watching people go for walks, ride bikes, run. It is an inspiration to me. Not everyone who looks at you is judging. They could be thinking, if she can I can. Or wow that's impressive. Not everyone is out to get you. So please do yourself a favor and stop thinking like that.

The first workout is always the hardest. But you need to ask yourself, what's more important sitting on the couch and being miserable or getting that first workout done so you can stand big and tall and know you did it? The choice is yours and yours alone.

hoyalawya2003

You have to stop hating yourself. I recommend the book "The Beck Diet Solution." It uses cognitive behavior techniques to help you change the way you think. That seems to be your biggest challenge right now.

And I've been there, too. Hang in, you can do it.

cleliajestrada

MissGeorgie04 wrote: »

Dear MFPeers,

I wasn't really sure where to head this under and I needed to like talk to people who've been in a similar situation who'll perhaps offer me advice and help me get out of the situation I'm in.
I'm relatively new on here (joined towards the end of July) and I really want to lose weight but I just really can't at the same time.
p.s. I know it sounds like I'm just whining and even I feel that way but, I just can't help myself.

I really hate myself because I've always been fat and I want to change that but every time I look at myself in the mirror or see myself in the reflection, I'm like how can I change, I'm pretty much a lost cause and I feel really disgusted with myself and just plain ugly. I'll tell myself that I need to go and exercise and in the end, I talk myself out of it because what's the point, I'm just never going to change, if that makes sense?

I don't want people to see me in public exercising or doing anything in general because I feel as though they look at me like with those extremely judgemental eyes and I just hate it. I sometimes even wish I wasn't born because I'm sure my parents would have wanted a better child than me, their colleagues have these amazing gorgeous children and they're probably ashamed of me. They always tell me you would have been prettier if you were thinner or you were so beautiful when you were young (and thinner). I feel really horrible thinking stuff like this because here I am wishing I wasn't alive and in the world there are people desperately struggling to live. I'm so fortunate and I'm just a horrible human being basically.

It's also like, I feel so alone all the time and I wish I had a significant other because then I could talk to them and maybe they'd be able to understand and help or something but, I'm like it's not wonder I don't because I'm just so unattractive Sometimes I feel like when I make friends with people online, it's an obligation to tell them I'm fat because otherwise I'd be labelled as a catfish. Ugh, there's definately something wrong with me.

Has anyone ever had moments like these? How did you get out of it? Really sorry for the whiney moment.

So. I was same. Self conscious unmotivated. Listen. Throw on a ponytail, shades, your music leave your house and go walk. Increase time over time. Drink lots of water. Watch your portions. Throw in an apple and yogurt in somewhere. Or other fruits. Start w small changes. It goes a long way. Water def stuffs u. I began at 238. And now 209. I feel great, awesome, more confidence, less care about wearing tight yoga now lol better self esteem. My weight began to melt off. Key is become active and continue. While watching your portions and lots of water. Need sweet drink, I buy vitamin zero. Has taste and zero cal and has vitamins. I lost all this by walking. But girl I walk. Ranges from 6000 to 19000 steps. Depends on the and activity for the day. Hope this helps.

chunky_pinup

First, don’t be sorry for “whining”…many of us have been there, and it’s nothing to apologize for. Never apologize for how you feel. I imagine that you are “sorry” for a lot of things in your life, and feeling like you need to apologize for existing or having feelings is a good place to start with change. You don’t NEED to be sorry. You are human. You don’t NEED approval from others – not family, not significant others – nobody. You need to love yourself, first and foremost. Love everything about yourself, even the things you might see as your flaws. Don’t apologize for taking up space in the world, don’t try to be invisible. I don’t know you, but I am positive that there are many qualities that people already love about you – things you might not even love about yourself. Embrace yourself and love yourself. Self-hate is real, and it can get to a place where it consumes you and can become scary. Get professional help. Honestly, I have always had a supportive family, and have a husband who has loved me at my worst. Even with those things, I hated myself. It wasn’t until I got professional help, and REALLY worked HARD at allowing myself to be “good enough” that I started to see a really great change. I needed the help, and I’ll never be ashamed of that. I really hope you talk to someone in a professional setting about this, because I agree with others who have said you sound depressed. Depression is real…and can really make you think terrible things about yourself. You deserve love. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to take up space on this planet. But nobody is going to make you believe these things until you believe them for yourself.

karrielynnhowardsternfan

Everyone can relate to this post.