Nothing above the knees?

ericaconti
ericaconti Posts: 72 Member
in Motivation and Support
I love my mother, but she's a horrible, mean-spirited woman.

I've lost over 140 pounds. During the entire time I was losing weight, she continually told me to keep my fat clothes because I'm going to gain all my weight back. While maintaining my weightloss, she told me how "disgusting" my saggy skin looked. I got a breast lift and thigh lift (for me, not because of her comments). The other day I went to my parents house wearing a skirt (above the knees, but not super short). My mother told me how gross my surgical scars looks and that I should be embarrassed and ashamed and should never wear anything above the knee. I should keep my scars covered at all times.

My husband tells me I'm beautiful and should wear whatever I feel comfortable with; however, every time I put on a dress, skirt, shorts, etc., I hear my mother's voice telling me to cover up my gross scars.

Should I listen to my mother, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and cover up? Should I be proud of my hardwork and wear what I want? Would seeing my scars gross you out?
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Replies

  • MzManiak
    MzManiak Posts: 1,361 Member
    Of course you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in. What an *kitten* your mother is! (no offense). I don't think I have ever met a single person who didn't have any scars.... we all still wear dresses and shorts and swim suits, too. Besides, it's summer and hot outside. "Whatever. I do what I want!"
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    also I have scars here there and everywhere... it's nothing really. people collect them over the course of a lifetime. Nobody looking at you is going to worry about that.
  • gillie80
    gillie80 Posts: 214 Member
    Absolutely not. wear what you like and maybe try and tell your mother that her comments are hurtful and to keep them to herself. your scars will fade in time and if you can get hold of Bio-Oil to help them along the way, great. and no, they wouldn't gross me out. i've seen much worse than scars. i'm probably nosey enough to ask about them though. chin up, youv've lost an amazing amount of weight and should be proud of your achievements. you have a supportive husband so listen to him instead.
  • minniemoo1972
    minniemoo1972 Posts: 295 Member
    edited August 2016
    Scorpio8402 wrote: »
    I would wear whatever I felt comfortable in and stop hanging out with my mom.

    ^^^^this....just because she's blood doesn't mean you have to visit.(or even like much)
  • robdowns1300
    robdowns1300 Posts: 152 Member
    Scars are not gross.
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    Ouch! You make me very glad my mom, who isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, isn't so petty and spiteful. Just remember, her comments are more about her than they are you. I've never understood people who feel the need to cut others down to feel good about themselves and can understand even less doing it to one's offspring.

    Honestly, if it were me I'd have it out with her. It doesn't have to be a shouting match but simply telling your mother that she should keep her mean and hurtful thoughts to herself or you'll need to limit your time with her might be needed here. She may not even realize what she's doing, although, from the outside, it's hard to imagine she doesn't.

    Dress in whatever way you feel most comfortable. Everyone has scars and stretch marks. Even celebrities who look perfect usually have them airbrushed out in photos. You've worked very hard to reach the place you are today physically. Don't let your mother wreck your happiness.
  • rilmarie999
    rilmarie999 Posts: 23 Member
    You rock! The fact that you have someone cutting you down every step of the way and you are still overcoming and doing what's best for you is an inspiration- good for you! Flaunt that beautiful body - you have earned it. You're mother sounds petty and unhappy with herself if she feels the need to speak that way to you, don't listen. She is dead wrong on so many levels.
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    That level of hostility about your physical appearance isn't about you; there's something going on with her and she's projecting it in a really inappropriate way onto you. Everyone has scars/stretch marks/etc. They're just a consequence of being alive. Expecting someone else to change their behavior in order to make her more comfortable is fairly immature (and so is being "grossed out" by scars as an adult). Wear what you want.
  • ericaconti
    ericaconti Posts: 72 Member
    Thanks everyone. My mother has always been verbally and emotionally abusive so it's pretty much all I know from her. My husband tells me all the time I should cut her out or at least cut down on my contact with her, but she's my mom so it's tough. Also, when she's nice, really nice, but you never know when she's going to not be nice. I know it's an abusive relationship. When she makes her rude comments, I usually just change the subject or walk away.
  • ShaniJoyous
    ShaniJoyous Posts: 2 Member
    Sadly enough, I have one of those mothers too. I have come realize that not everyone's mom is Harriet Nelson, and wishes the best for their child. Your mother is unhappy and insecure, and she is projecting her negativity onto you. You should be proud of your self because you set a goal and you've accomplished it. You have a husband who loves you. Count your blessings and leave hateful people behind. I know that's hard to do, I have left my mother's house or gotten off the phone with her in tears many times in the past, but I choose to be healthy physically and mentally, so I keep her at a distance. One day your mom ma change her ways, but until then wear your dresses, success, new attitude and be happy!
  • chrissygbulldog3
    chrissygbulldog3 Posts: 31 Member
    I am super sensitive to the comments of others. I lived in an extremely hot area and for forty years suffered because I refused to wear shorts or tee shirts, because of what others had said about scars, saggy arms, etc. The hell with them. Life is too short.
  • Mike_take2
    Mike_take2 Posts: 2,150 Member
    First let me congratulate you on your success! You should be so proud! Second, to go along with that, wear what you feel comfortable wearing. I am very sorry for you to have to hear those comments. Always hold your head up and be proud of who and what you are...a great example!
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    ericaconti wrote: »
    Thanks everyone. My mother has always been verbally and emotionally abusive so it's pretty much all I know from her. My husband tells me all the time I should cut her out or at least cut down on my contact with her, but she's my mom so it's tough. Also, when she's nice, really nice, but you never know when she's going to not be nice. I know it's an abusive relationship. When she makes her rude comments, I usually just change the subject or walk away.

    I have to agree with your husband. I haven't spoken to my dad since 2011 for similar reasons. I put up with him for the sake of family peace but called it quits the day he tried turning it on my husband and daughter. It was one of the best decisions of my adult life. Easy? No. Worth it? Absolutely. I encourage you to give it serious consideration.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    Not nice = turn on your heel, grab your car keys and leave. Or hang up the phone and turn the ringer off. Never reward abusive behavior ... with attention, or whatever else they may want from you.
  • MoveitlikeManda
    MoveitlikeManda Posts: 846 Member
    you should cover your mother.......in a deep hole using concret......only kidding

    dont listen to her, you have done so well and can wear what makes you happy, id defo limit any time i spent with her too, negative people are a drain on life and shouldnt be given your time!!

    you are amazing at what you have done and should be proud of it.

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    gothchiq wrote: »
    I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.

    Quoted for truth!
  • hypodonthaveme
    hypodonthaveme Posts: 215 Member
    Congratulations on the awesome loss. Wear what you want , you're an adult. People are cruel and most of them are friends and family. Put the hurtful words and emotional pain behind you and go enjoy life.

    I am super impressed with your loss. That truly is remarkable. Continue to share your journey with others. You are an inspiration. Wow!
  • smile_laughter
    smile_laughter Posts: 3,682 Member
    I am truly sorry for you having to be in a relationship with your mom like this. Some folks will tell you that you have to stay because she's family. Some will tell you to cut her off. I am in the middle. I had to cut off a few family members due to their toxic behaviors. It was impacting me and my home life with my husband a kids. I'd come home stressed and sad because of their behavior. Over the years, I hardly talk to them and see them. To be honest, I am so much happier. My husband and kids are amazing. When I do see them, it is for short periods of time.

    You should be proud of yourself and start limiting time with your mom. I believe in having people around that provide love and support. It's ok to have honest and blunt people around, but it can be done in a non abusive way. I've had many harsh truths told to me, but how the people approached them made the difference.

    I hope you are able to work through this and learn to be proud and happy of your accomplishment. I am proud of you. =]
  • cinnag4225
    cinnag4225 Posts: 126 Member
    Sadly your mother is a very toxic person, and the best thing you can do with toxic people--even your parents or children--is cut them out. Someone very dear to me has gone through hell and back with a toxic mother, and while there are still some difficulties, over a year has gone by and they are ultimately glad they removed her from their life. The fact that these horrible things are coming from someone who is supposed to be such an important person in your life is the reason it's making it so hard for you to appreciate your successes and why you keep hearing her comments when you try to do something for yourself.

    Don't worry about the scars. Even if some of us easily become curious, it's nobody's business but yours! If you want to reduce their appearance for yourself, by all means go for it! But don't let one bitter person's crap keep you from wearing the clothes you want, doing the things you like, strutting your stuff, and--most importantly--loving yourself!
  • Neanbean13
    Neanbean13 Posts: 211 Member
    gothchiq wrote: »
    I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.

    This! Although family, and it's hard but no one should have this abuse in their life. I would assume this is where the weight gain came from in first place!
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    I would have no hesitation in telling my mother to *ferret* the *ferret* off, and when she gets there to *ferret* off some more

    And I strongly advise you to do the same

    It is most liberating
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,093 Member
    gothchiq wrote: »
    I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.

    This^^^^^

    She's rude. I would take a break from her and not give it a second thought.
    Absolutely do what YOU want to do.
    Listen to your husband and wear whatever you want.
    Congratulations on your weight loss, good for you!

  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,968 Member
    ericaconti wrote: »
    Would seeing my scars gross you out?

    Absolutely not. You should see mine. They're small, and they have nothing to do with weight loss or surgery. But I have a few. So does everyone on the planet. And we've all got a story to tell. It's part of what makes us interesting.
  • shadowfax_c11
    shadowfax_c11 Posts: 1,942 Member
    Your mother is a toxic human being. The best and most healthy thing for you do to is to avoid contact with her.

    Yes it is hard. Yes you will feel bad/guilty/etc.

    Yes it is worth doing. And yes it is okay for you to do so.

    I know personally I have been a much happier person since removing my own toxic family from my life.

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