Being 'the best friend' aka 'turns out I am superficial'

LisaWho32

You know what, don't you dare let his rejection set you back. Continue making the right choices both in food & exercise because it is something you want to do for you. YOU want to be healthier, that is all that matters. If he wants to be vain & think it is all about him, fine, whatever. You are on this journey for you. You will meet every sort of person on this trip, some will be supportive, some will be saboteurs who are jealous of how well you are doing. Keep in mind, that you health & happiness trumps all & anyone who can't get on board with it can stand on the platform & wave goodbye as you pull out of that station on your way to the next!

Wowsa! Where have YOU been all my life?? lol Those are incredibly inspiring and motivating words to read right now. That is exactly the attitude I am striving to get to in life generally. Confidence has been such a massive problem for as long as I can remember and I've only JUST at 32 years old, reached the point of learning to love who I am inside as a person, realising I can't love the outside until I make a change. The problem I have had is trying not to let what others think of me influence what I think of myself.

I might just print your message and put it on my fridge for inspiration!!! Thank you!

LisaWho32

so, you've done this before and wanted to do this again? while it may have worked out for you "in the end", do you really want to put yourself through a bad /abusive relationship?

who knows why he said what he said. I know i'll probably get reamed for saying this but I really don't believe that LT online relationships can work (I mean where the bulk of your relationship is online and you never/rarely meet). yes, i know, y'all have a friend/cousin/sister who met her husband online and they fell madly in love and lived happily ever after. and i don't think there is anything wrong with "meeting" (initially) online but once you've met, and established a "liking", it should move onto the next stage (spending time together in person). as you already know, there is a huge difference between one's persona online and in real life.

all i can say to you is phooey on him, he isn't interested in you coming there and frankly it's probably for the best. focus on yourself right now - don't let this get you down. you are a beautiful and strong woman, and you will continue to do this for YOU.

Awwww, I totally respect your opinion and if I wasn't 'one of those' people, I would feel the exact same way you do! I understand when people think I'm crazy for spending so much time online...I think the fact that I feel so embarrassed about my appearance means that when I don't have to physically be near someone to talk to them, it makes it a lot easier for me.

You're right though, talking online and meeting up every once in a while is not an easy thing to do and may not lead to a meaningful and lasting relationship unless it moves to the next level. And it's hard to move to the next level when you have to make a HUGE life altering decision in order to even put it into practice!

I just don't want to lose the friendship I have with him - he is a wonderful person regardless of what he feels or doesn't feel about me romantically. I fully intend to keep going on this journey with or without him there, but of course at this moment in time, I hope it is with him, even if that's not to happen right now.

But if you don't mind, I may have to reserve that 'phooey on him' phrase in my mind from time to time!! ;-)

monicalosesweight

I think you need to stop worrying about a relationship and leave him as a friend. You just got out of a bad relationship so you need to focus on friendships, hobbies, exercise and your career. Getting involved with someone after having been with someone for 10 years is just jumping into marriage too quickly. Honestly, it's time to focus on yourself. You can leave him as a friend BUT start dating or just find a fun group that does things and keep yourself busy. Focus on you - not being a mommy or girlfriend - you as a person. If you do that, you'll have a chance to really get to know yourself. Also, if he's that superficial, you're better off finding someone who cares for you as you are now, future you and the older you that you'll become. Do not let him take you down - that's why you need to find social groups to hang out with. Are there any single fun groups in your area where people do hiking, boating or some other fun stuff that you could use to develop relationships?

LisaWho32

I think you need to stop worrying about a relationship and leave him as a friend. You just got out of a bad relationship so you need to focus on friendships, hobbies, exercise and your career. Getting involved with someone after having been with someone for 10 years is just jumping into marriage too quickly. Honestly, it's time to focus on yourself. You can leave him as a friend BUT start dating or just find a fun group that does things and keep yourself busy. Focus on you - not being a mommy or girlfriend - you as a person. If you do that, you'll have a chance to really get to know yourself. Also, if he's that superficial, you're better off finding someone who cares for you as you are now, future you and the older you that you'll become. Do not let him take you down - that's why you need to find social groups to hang out with. Are there any single fun groups in your area where people do hiking, boating or some other fun stuff that you could use to develop relationships?

I know...the last thing in the world I wanted when I left my husband was to meet anyone. I wanted to 'do me' for a while...meeting him was by chance and although I don't regret any moment of it, I do realise that I might have focused more on just myself for the last year if I hadn't met him. He was just everything I ever wanted in another person, and the added bonus of having two amazing kids (a ready-made family at 32 after my personal situation seemed like a dream come true).

But you are right! The focus has been on 'us' for too long and not on 'me.' To be honest, I wouldn't even want to date right now...partially because my heart is still with him, but also because I don't need the complications right now when I have more important things to worry about (me!!)

Because I've not felt motivated to even wake up for the last year, I haven't been overly keen on the idea of finding people to be around outside of my safe, comfy, flat...but it's true, one of the best things I could do for myself right now is get out there and meet people who are doing things that could possibly help me on this journey. I've just bought a bike so maybe that will lead to something! :-) Apart from that, maybe it's time to open my eyes and have a look at what might be around me that I might try to enjoy doing!

Thanks for the advice!!

Crochetluvr

That's a shame..... that he is a hypocrite.

Now that you have healed from your past relationship, move ahead, get healthy and find another good man.... he's out there. I wouldn't want to be with that guy no matter what, now. He's lost a lot more than weight., IMO.

LisaWho32

That's a shame..... that he is a hypocrite.

Now that you have healed from your past relationship, move ahead, get healthy and find another good man.... he's out there. I wouldn't want to be with that guy no matter what, now. He's lost a lot more than weight., IMO.

That is true - one of the reasons I grew so close to him was that I felt comfortable with him, as he'd been overweight too and would understand what it felt like. But, maybe when you go from that to super-fit mode in 2 years, you forget what it was like 'back then.' Or, like others have suggested, he is afraid that my bad habits will push him back to where he was then. I don't know!

Either way, thank you for being honest with me! I will keep on keeping on with or without him

norahwynn

It seems to me that he is feeling threatened by you because you're actually trying to get your life together and getting fit. He found you when you down, sad, vulnerable, and out of shape. Now that you're doing better mentally, and you're working on losing weight, he feels that you will have more confidence (both mentally and physically) and he won't have the same weak, sad, overweight woman looking to him to be her rock.

That is my opinion from the little I know about him. I would just move on, and maybe one day he'll just wake up and wonder why he's such a jerk and come around. Even though, if I were you I wouldn't give him a bit of my time or attention ever again.

He just feels threatened and is making stupid, nonsensical excuses. If he doesn't want to be with you, why does he still want you to go visit with him and the kids? He seems to not really care for you or his kids feelings.

LisaWho32

It seems to me that he is feeling threatened by you because you're actually trying to get your life together and getting fit. He found you when you down, sad, vulnerable, and out of shape. Now that you're doing better mentally, and you're working on losing weight, he feels that you will have more confidence (both mentally and physically) and he won't have the same weak, sad, overweight woman looking to him to be her rock.

That is my opinion from the little I know about him. I would just move on, and maybe one day he'll just wake up and wonder why he's such a jerk and come around. Even though, if I were you I wouldn't give him a bit of my time or attention ever again.

He just feels threatened and is making stupid, nonsensical excuses. If he doesn't want to be with you, why does he still want you to go visit with him and the kids? He seems to not really care for you or his kids feelings.

Hmmm that's an interesting thought. He does have his own demons, un-related to weight (don't we all!) and is struggling with coping with other aspects of his own life, so I never really thought he could see me that way - to be threatened by me. I'm not sure whether that is a possibility or not to be honest, but it's an interesting thing to think about! Though I don't know that I would go so far as to say he doesn't care about his kids' feelings. The way I saw it was that he wanted the best for him, and him pretending to love someone in a way he couldn't would hurt both him, me and the kids in the longer term. I mean, even though I lost in the end, people always say 'you have to do what's best for you because in the end, you're all you have.' So, to that extent, I suppose he did the right thing for him and the kids.

Thank you!

LisaWho32

Sorry all, I have just changed my username as it JUST occurred to me that if he ever searched for the other one (also my email address), he may have seen all of this, and THAT would not feel good! lol

Tiff050709

When I met my husband, I was skinny. When we started dating, I was 20-30lbs overweight. Also had been in an abusive relationship before that and it is easy to eat to comfort yourself. He has never said anything about my weight, except that he thinks I am beautiful. There have been times in the past that I have tried to lose weight and didn't stick with it. He didn't pester me about why I stopped or tried to get me to start again. When I started to get serious about losing weight in March of this year, he fully supported me. I think the best way to lose weight and keep it off is when you want to do it and when you are ready to do it.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

LisaWho32

When I met my husband, I was skinny. When we started dating, I was 20-30lbs overweight. Also had been in an abusive relationship before that and it is easy to eat to comfort yourself. He has never said anything about my weight, except that he thinks I am beautiful. There have been times in the past that I have tried to lose weight and didn't stick with it. He didn't pester me about why I stopped or tried to get me to start again. When I started to get serious about losing weight in March of this year, he fully supported me. I think the best way to lose weight and keep it off is when you want to do it and when you are ready to do it.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

Thank you, Tiff! He sounds like a lovely man! I'm so glad for you that you found someone to support you and love you in that way!

This is the first time in years that I've even seriously considered doing something like this - I guess because it is the first time in years that I have thought about myself! I'm definitely ready...because if I don't do anything, I won't be able to move on with my life in any way...the unhealthiness and weight have become to much of what I consider myself to be as a person and that is just NOT a good way to go on in life!

Well done on your weight loss, keep it up!

whierd

I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.

This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.

kistockman

What if I told you it was not your weight at all but the prospect of turning this Skype relationship into a real one is what the problem was?

You began your post with this notion that you developed a relationship learned so much about someone through Skype. I suggest in stead yours was a Skype relationship only. With that, someone can say anything and profess what they believe to be as real love for someone. But as soon as the idea of making such a move as relocating and being included into his family....REALLY and honestly....into his family space. That's quite different.

I think his claim that he himself is too superficial is a ruse. I think he decided to use your weight as a reason to back off a bit.

LisaWho32

I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.

This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.

Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.

By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?

I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!

Thanks!!

catrinaHwechanged

I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.

This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.

Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.

By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?

I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!

Thanks!!

I have to agree with whierd here. Also, I think you have an amazingly reasonable and healthy attitude about this. Good luck with your weight loss and lifestyle change!

LisaWho32

What if I told you it was not your weight at all but the prospect of turning this Skype relationship into a real one is what the problem was?

You began your post with this notion that you developed a relationship learned so much about someone through Skype. I suggest in stead yours was a Skype relationship only. With that, someone can say anything and profess what they believe to be as real love for someone. But as soon as the idea of making such a move as relocating and being included into his family....REALLY and honestly....into his family space. That's quite different.

I think his claim that he himself is too superficial is a ruse. I think he decided to use your weight as a reason to back off a bit.

Some others above have suggested that too! There is quite a bit of logic in it! It's all dreamy and lovely and surreal until it becomes real. We met in person at Christmas and in January things were okay...then February, not so much and so on. The thing is that he kept saying that he felt like a traitor or the bad guy because the kids loved me and I was crazy about them and he felt like he was keeping us all apart. I'm not sure how that plays into anything!

He isn't generally a fan of relationships anyway as I have realised...not just with me. I guess it was just because he told me that I was so different and made him think and feel ways he didn't before...but those are just words and actions speak much more loudly!

Though, using my weight, which he knows is my number one demon that torments me every single day, when it isn't the reason seems a bit harsh and completely uncharacteristic of him as a person. So, I'm still not sure what I think about this theory, but regardless, I completely appreciate you suggesting it!

whierd

I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.

This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.

Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.

By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?

I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!

Thanks!!

Excellent attitude to have! Always do it for yourself, not others. Who knows, his reasons may have been BS, none of us are mind readers. But once you are ready to move on, if necessary, you will be in a better place mentally, emotionally, and physically. :drinker:

LisaWho32

I have to agree with whierd here. Also, I think you have an amazingly reasonable and healthy attitude about this. Good luck with your weight loss and lifestyle change!

Thanks Catrina! Sometimes it's good to get the male perspective. As much as I respect everything everyone has suggested completely...it's too easy to say 'he's a jerk and if he doesn't like me, then too bad' But isn't that just an excuse to continue on the way I am, even though I'm not happy with it? Thanks for your input!

PhattiPhat

You know, I have read some threads on here from time to time, of women starting to get fit because they were motivated so strongly by a person (spouse, family, friend) telling them they weren't good enough. Or sometimes it was a boyfriend/girlfriend that that broke their heart and they were motivated to jump into weight loss headfirst and with gusto, because of the "revenge" factor. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, and I feel it's a natural progression. You just got a massive blow to your self esteem, so you're trying to prove to yourself and to the other person that you are good enough.

The cool thing is though.....most of them (even if they did start strong in their fitness journeys being motivated by revenge) realize in the midst of it that they actually like being fit and enjoy eating healthier. So the revenge motivation kinda morphs into self motivation, if it makes that makes sense?

Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel that part of you might be doing it for his sake, and screw what he thinks (that you're losing for him). Sometimes that might be the extra push we need to get going in the right direction and who knows, perhaps later down the road you will start to believe in yourself, because getting fit does wonders for the mind and spirit. In the end, you will be the one who benefits, regardless of how you began your journey.

Take care xo

labeachgirl

I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.