Being 'the best friend' aka 'turns out I am superficial'
Replies
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When I met my husband, I was skinny. When we started dating, I was 20-30lbs overweight. Also had been in an abusive relationship before that and it is easy to eat to comfort yourself. He has never said anything about my weight, except that he thinks I am beautiful. There have been times in the past that I have tried to lose weight and didn't stick with it. He didn't pester me about why I stopped or tried to get me to start again. When I started to get serious about losing weight in March of this year, he fully supported me. I think the best way to lose weight and keep it off is when you want to do it and when you are ready to do it.
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best for you.
Thank you, Tiff! He sounds like a lovely man!
I'm so glad for you that you found someone to support you and love you in that way!
This is the first time in years that I've even seriously considered doing something like this - I guess because it is the first time in years that I have thought about myself! I'm definitely ready...because if I don't do anything, I won't be able to move on with my life in any way...the unhealthiness and weight have become to much of what I consider myself to be as a person and that is just NOT a good way to go on in life!
Well done on your weight loss, keep it up!0 -
I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.
This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.0 -
What if I told you it was not your weight at all but the prospect of turning this Skype relationship into a real one is what the problem was?
You began your post with this notion that you developed a relationship learned so much about someone through Skype. I suggest in stead yours was a Skype relationship only. With that, someone can say anything and profess what they believe to be as real love for someone. But as soon as the idea of making such a move as relocating and being included into his family....REALLY and honestly....into his family space. That's quite different.
I think his claim that he himself is too superficial is a ruse. I think he decided to use your weight as a reason to back off a bit.0 -
I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.
This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.
Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.
By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?
I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!
Thanks!! 0 -
I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.
This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.
Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.
By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?
I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!
Thanks!!
I have to agree with whierd here. Also, I think you have an amazingly reasonable and healthy attitude about this. Good luck with your weight loss and lifestyle change! 0 -
What if I told you it was not your weight at all but the prospect of turning this Skype relationship into a real one is what the problem was?
You began your post with this notion that you developed a relationship learned so much about someone through Skype. I suggest in stead yours was a Skype relationship only. With that, someone can say anything and profess what they believe to be as real love for someone. But as soon as the idea of making such a move as relocating and being included into his family....REALLY and honestly....into his family space. That's quite different.
I think his claim that he himself is too superficial is a ruse. I think he decided to use your weight as a reason to back off a bit.
Some others above have suggested that too! There is quite a bit of logic in it! It's all dreamy and lovely and surreal until it becomes real. We met in person at Christmas and in January things were okay...then February, not so much and so on. The thing is that he kept saying that he felt like a traitor or the bad guy because the kids loved me and I was crazy about them and he felt like he was keeping us all apart. I'm not sure how that plays into anything!
He isn't generally a fan of relationships anyway as I have realised...not just with me. I guess it was just because he told me that I was so different and made him think and feel ways he didn't before...but those are just words and actions speak much more loudly!
Though, using my weight, which he knows is my number one demon that torments me every single day, when it isn't the reason seems a bit harsh and completely uncharacteristic of him as a person. So, I'm still not sure what I think about this theory, but regardless, I completely appreciate you suggesting it! 0 -
I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.
This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.
Well said! And thank you for the man's perspective..much appreciated! This is where I'm coming from too. It's really easy to say 'screw him, he should love you for you' and where that is true to an extent...I think his reasons are, well, reasonable! Sure it hurts, but it always would have! He can't pretend to be attracted to me if he isn't, no matter how much he cares about the rest of me...especially as he has children to consider, as well as his own journey to better himself.
By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?
I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!
Thanks!!
Excellent attitude to have! Always do it for yourself, not others. Who knows, his reasons may have been BS, none of us are mind readers. But once you are ready to move on, if necessary, you will be in a better place mentally, emotionally, and physically. :drinker:0 -
I have to agree with whierd here. Also, I think you have an amazingly reasonable and healthy attitude about this. Good luck with your weight loss and lifestyle change!
Thanks Catrina! Sometimes it's good to get the male perspective. As much as I respect everything everyone has suggested completely...it's too easy to say 'he's a jerk and if he doesn't like me, then too bad' But isn't that just an excuse to continue on the way I am, even though I'm not happy with it? Thanks for your input!0 -
You know, I have read some threads on here from time to time, of women starting to get fit because they were motivated so strongly by a person (spouse, family, friend) telling them they weren't good enough. Or sometimes it was a boyfriend/girlfriend that that broke their heart and they were motivated to jump into weight loss headfirst and with gusto, because of the "revenge" factor. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, and I feel it's a natural progression. You just got a massive blow to your self esteem, so you're trying to prove to yourself and to the other person that you are good enough.
The cool thing is though.....most of them (even if they did start strong in their fitness journeys being motivated by revenge) realize in the midst of it that they actually like being fit and enjoy eating healthier. So the revenge motivation kinda morphs into self motivation, if it makes that makes sense?
Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel that part of you might be doing it for his sake, and screw what he thinks (that you're losing for him). Sometimes that might be the extra push we need to get going in the right direction and who knows, perhaps later down the road you will start to believe in yourself, because getting fit does wonders for the mind and spirit. In the end, you will be the one who benefits, regardless of how you began your journey.
Take care xo0 -
I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.0
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I agree with this. Cut back on your involvement with him and focus on getting fit. Sitting in front of the computer can't help you lose weight or get fit. And obviously will keep you emotionally bound. Set your interim goals and achieve them. You'll be amazed at how much better you will feel. And look for a local, real life relationship. Long distance, online relationships require way too much time and effort for you right now. IMO, anyway. Good luck!I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.0 -
I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.
Agreed. I'm not going to come right out and tell you to stop talking to him, but be careful with the whole "emotional safety net" thing. It kind of seems to me that he was also in a bad place, rode you for the benefits of feeling better about himself, and now that he feels up to it, he wants to explore other options. It's not so much that he "suddenly became superficial" so much as it's that he latched onto someone while he needed it and now that he's ready ready to spread his wings again, that's exactly what he's going to do.
Do what you need to do for you. You can't get tied up in trying to please other people.0 -
My husband married me at my highest weight ever. And I married him when he was unemployed. But you see, we know who each other is inside, we know our potential, we know what kind of people we are, and we trust each other. Two and a half years after our wedding, I have now lost 80 lbs and I'm still losing and he has a good job in his field again. We are partners in life through the ups and the downs. Think about the words in the marriage vows: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." My husband and I consider each other to be family and we would no more abandon each other through the ups and downs of life than we try to "divorce" our family.
If he is superficial now, he will be superficial for the rest of your lives. What happens if you lose the weight and you are healthy your whole life but you get disfigured in an accident? What happens if you get a debilitating disease?
Please realize that online relationships create a FALSE INTIMACY. Online, you can present one side of yourself and maintain that facade because there is no day-to-day-real-life to shatter it. That intimacy can be very addicting. You were vulnerable after your divorce, your devotion to him is very addicting to him I'm sure, and the attention from him is very addicting to you too. But realize that it bears little if any resemblance to what it would be like to live together.
What usually happens in these cases is that when things progress to talk of connecting in real life, the reluctant party will play along to keep the fantasy going, but will find roadblocks.
Have you ever read that book "He's Just Not That Into You"? If a man truly loves a woman, he is not "superficial" and he doesn't "have a problem committing" -- he will move mountains to get the girl he desires. If a man is into you, the shy man will find courage and the "commitment-phobic" will find a ring. That's how human nature works.
The best way to recover from this online romance is to get out their socially in real life. You are doing the right thing by focusing on your health. Your relationship with this man helped you while you were recovering from your previous relationship, but it won't help you in this new phase of your life. You are young and beautiful: you deserve someone who is not superficial!0 -
It sounds like he not only lost a lot of weight, but also completely changed his life into one that is now filled with a lot of physical activity. While I still have a lot of weight to lose, I've done the same major turn around. I cannot tell you the difference that it's made in my life. It's not been about being a certain size, it's being able to live life to the fullest and doing the activities that bring me more joy than I thought possible (hiking, rafting, even just the day to day stuff). When you go through that kind of transformation, physical abilities are not something that you take for granted. You have to hold onto them and keep pushing for more. I can get his fear that your lifestyles may not fit. He may also be very nervous that if you were to move in together, he would end up not doing the activities that are making him fit and he may be afraid that he would eventually slide back to his old lifestyle, which would negatively impact both him and his children.
What I am glad for, and what shows character on his part, is that he told you before you uprooted your life and moved there. That would have been horrendously traumatic for both of you, as well as for his children.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I know that it must have been very painful.0 -
maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....
but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."
i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...
you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of
oh you must be doing that for me
oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...
oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..
oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."
he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....
for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...
see where that takes him....
cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.0 -
I'm sorry this happened to you, but I do think you deserve someone better. I gained 60 pounds during the first 4 years of my relationship and it was never an issue between us, he never said anything negative to me about it and when I decided to change he was nothing but supportive the whole way through. You deserve that too, and I don't think it's fair for him to ask you to still be his "best friend" after you've fallen in love and developed feelings. He's being selfish by asking you to ignore how you feel because he still wants you as a friend. And he's being self-centered by assuming that the changes you are making in your life to improve yourself are for him. He might be an otherwise good guy, but you deserve a lot more and you don't owe him your friendship because he's "too superficial" to be in a romantic relationship with you. Maybe he can't help how he feels, but like I said, you deserve more than that!
Good luck, I'm sure this isn't easy for you :flowerforyou:0 -
maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....
but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."
i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...
you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of
oh you must be doing that for me
oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...
oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..
oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."
he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....
for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...
see where that takes him....
cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.
I can't say that I disagree with this.0 -
Awesome post Alex and great transformation yourself!maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....
but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."
i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...
you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of
oh you must be doing that for me
oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...
oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..
oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."
he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....
for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...
see where that takes him....
cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.0 -
You are correct, he is being reasonable. He is not attracted to you. You want to change, do it for you. Let the chips fall with him where they may. I know I have worked very hard to get in better shape. I only lost about 25 lbs to get here, but still. I look a lot better. And if I decide to date, it will be someone of a similar fitness level. Because that is what I find attractive.
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.0 -
I respectfully offer the suggestion that you take you and your classy self out of this awful situation. You deserve much better, and with the kind of poise that you're showing, I have no doubt that you will find it.0
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You are correct, he is being reasonable. He is not attracted to you. You want to change, do it for you. Let the chips fall with him where they may. I know I have worked very hard to get in better shape. I only lost about 25 lbs to get here, but still. I look a lot better. And if I decide to date, it will be someone of a similar fitness level. Because that is what I find attractive.
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Alex_is_Hawks's point and the point that I agree with most is that he isn't just "superficial" but extremely egotistical. She's doing something that she obviously feels that she needs to do and he is trying to take the credit for it.
That's a huge personality flaw and she should be glad to see it before she's turned her life upside down and moved in with him.0 -
Bump so I can read it later when I get home.0
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I think that's a pretty tool thing to say, screw that, if your working hard to reach your goal, that shouldnt matter, and when you're at your goal weight, looking fabulous, I'm sure he'll regret acting like a tool.0
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Not buying it. Especially since he too had been where you are now (weight/healthwise), I think he would be more empathetic. So what is his point? If you slim down to what he feels is a healthy weight, he will be capable of loving you? And what if you should gain some of it back? Deal breaker? I'm sorry, but I don't believe he is being 100% honest with you and that, in my opinion, is the real deal breaker. You can do better.
Not read the rest of the comments, but thought I would choose this one to say 'there are no non-smokers like ex-smokers'. Just because he's 'been there' doesn't unfortunately follow that his cup of empathy will be overflowing!0 -
Alex_is_Hawks's point and the point that I agree with most is that he isn't just "superficial" but extremely egotistical. She's doing something that she obviously feels that she needs to do and he is trying to take the credit for it.
That's a huge personality flaw and she should be glad to see it before she's turned her life upside down and moved in with him.
Which is completely irrelevant to my post. There have also been several people blasting this guy for being superficial. Which is stupid. They need to understand that not everyone is going to find them attractive, and that being attracted to someone does matter in a relationship.0 -
Funny how the majority of people who consider him a jerk are women.
I think he did the honorable thing.0 -
He's a *kitten*, plain and simple.0
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Funny how the majority of people who consider him a jerk are women.
I think he did the honorable thing.
If I were a betting man, I would bet that the majority of the people that consider him a jerk do so because of their own insecurities about someone not finding them attractive due to their weight.0 -
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.0 -
He's a *kitten*, plain and simple.
He's a *kitten* cuz he has preference and is looking out for the best for his kids? Good luck with ur judgemental goals of 2013.0
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