Being 'the best friend' aka 'turns out I am superficial'
Replies
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Run and run fast!
You should never have to do something to change yourself for a man. You will always question yourself if you are good enough for his standards if you stay.0 -
He may have chosen the wrong words to express what he is thinking, English not being his first language.
I think you should just keep doing what you are doing and enjoy the friendship.0 -
I wouldn't call it the "honorable" thing. The point still remains that he probably used her to build his confidence while he got his act together and then tossed her aside once he was ready for "better things." It happens all the time (especially on the internet), but I wouldn't be handing him a medal for "doing the right thing." What else was he going to do, actually move her to Germany? HA!
It sounds like a "relationship" of mutual desperation and settling. Both parties are better off elsewhere.0 -
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
Yeah, damn those honest guys. What *kitten*.0 -
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
Yeah, damn those honest guys. What *kitten*.
No, damn anyone who don't bother to think about the other person's feelings. He's ending it because he wants to, not because the other person cheated on him or lied to him. He can make a small sacrifice of not dumping on her while he does it.0 -
Hi. I think it sucks that you have invested so much time into this person. Then find out that he doesn't want to be with you because of your weight. It hurts to have that thrown up in your face. Aren't you glad that you didn't make a move to be with him and then find that out?
Maybe it is time to reassess you! (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you.) All I am saying is Maybe it is time to look at what you wanted, and see if you really still want the same things. Take time to make new friends, and go out to clubs, movies, or whatever you enjoy! Focus on making yourself better. Ex... Your weight, health, fitness, mental health.... Find out what will make you happy. Let romance, and love find you when you least expect it.
Good luck!0 -
I wouldn't call it the "honorable" thing. The point still remains that he probably used her to build his confidence while he got his act together and then tossed her aside once he was ready for "better things." It happens all the time (especially on the internet), but I wouldn't be handing him a medal for "doing the right thing." What else was he going to do, actually move her to Germany? HA!
It sounds like a "relationship" of mutual desperation and settling. Both parties are better off elsewhere.
She was recovering from a horrible relationship and I doubt that he entered into her life with the intention of using her. His feelings changed or he realized he was not as okay with her weight as he initially thought. The right thing was being honest with her.0 -
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
Yeah, damn those honest guys. What *kitten*.
No, damn anyone who don't bother to think about the other person's feelings. He's ending it because he wants to, not because the other person cheated on him or lied to him. He can make a small sacrifice of not dumping on her while he does it.
He didnt dump on her, he was honest in a straightforward way.
I can't speak for others, but I would rather someone tell me the real reason they do not want to be with me rather than sugarcoat it. Much better than sitting around wondering if you are such an awful person that no one will ever love you. At least if someone told me it was because I am fat I would know that it is something fixable.0 -
Oh and by the way, apparently I have a 'very pretty face, but....' Any other girls just sick to the teeth of hearing that one?
Sorry I can't give you advice on the love life part. But, yeah. I get this all the time. I got stopped in the grocery store with my sister and the lady says "You're so pretty, you should lose some weight! It's a shame you're so big!" I know she didn't mean anything by it, it wasn't until I got home that my sister pointed out that it was kinda rude. I get it all the time.0 -
But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
Yeah, damn those honest guys. What *kitten*.
No, damn anyone who don't bother to think about the other person's feelings. He's ending it because he wants to, not because the other person cheated on him or lied to him. He can make a small sacrifice of not dumping on her while he does it.
He didnt dump on her, he was honest in a straightforward way.
I can't speak for others, but I would rather someone tell me the real reason they do not want to be with me rather than sugarcoat it. Much better than sitting around wondering if you are such an awful person that no one will ever love you. At least if someone told me it was because I am fat I would know that it is something fixable.
There isn't anything wrong with her that she is unaware of, or that he was unaware of. Honesty has to have a point, like when you're breaking up with someone because of their ethics, or you aren't breaking up with someone and you need to fix a problem in your relationship.0 -
I have been in your shoes. I met M online and he knew I was overweight but not the full extent. I sent him pics and we talked all the time on messenger. We fell in love and got engaged, all before meeting in person. We started planning a wedding. I should add he lived in the UK and I lived in the states. Anyway, I bought my dress and just about everything needed on my end. I flew over to meet him and we still hit it off. He gave me a beautiful engagement ring. Then something changed, he was so distant. He blurted out that I was bigger than he thought. I told him to take me to the airport the next day, 12 days early, but said, big or small, I'll still be the same person you fell in love with. I was heartbroken and I'm not sure what happened but he didnt take me to the airport. I stayed but it destroyed my confidence with him and just broke me. I felt so insecure with him. I left with his contribution to our wedding and details of his flight to come over to the states. I truly felt he wouldn't arrive and even driving to the airport I thought, he may not even be here.
To my surprise, he was there! With a huge smile and the biggest hug. We have just celebrated 10 years of marriage and have 4 children. We have a very strong marriage but there were many times I still felt insecure. It took a long time to get past all that. I still can't be naked in front of him even though I have lost 100 pounds but that's mostly because I just have so much skin.
My suggestion is to communicate. Sometimes, fear keeps us from doing what we really want to do. Keep the lines open without pushing it. Let him know your true intentions. Has his weightloss inspired you? If so, let him know. Tell him you don't want to be this way for life and that's why you're taking the steps to do something about it now! That you're doing it for your future and not his but would love to have his support and guidance since he went through it.
X0 -
Alex_is_Hawks's point and the point that I agree with most is that he isn't just "superficial" but extremely egotistical. She's doing something that she obviously feels that she needs to do and he is trying to take the credit for it.
That's a huge personality flaw and she should be glad to see it before she's turned her life upside down and moved in with him.
Which is completely irrelevant to my post. There have also been several people blasting this guy for being superficial. Which is stupid. They need to understand that not everyone is going to find them attractive, and that being attracted to someone does matter in a relationship.
true and sure...but he still made a d!ck move...it goes like this...I'll put it in simplest terms
Him: "I don't find you attractive anymore, you are overweight, I no longer am...I just don't find you attractive"
Her: "Oh haven't you noticed the weight I've lost? I've been working on bettering myself, now that I'm ready, I feel good and I am shedding this weight."
Him: "only because of ME. So yeah, it's not legit...sorry"
THAT is the d!ck move...why not say "Wow I really support your efforts to get healthy...why don't we concentrate on getting healthier and see where this takes us however it may not result in our friendship ever being more than it is."
but no...he put up a reason for his lost attraction, which is a totally valid reason...attraction is attraction...it's valid...but when she suggests she could be getting healthier and losing the one piece he says stands in the way of him finding her attractive...
he tells her its not good enough, its only for his sake and thus not valid and totally invalidating any ability for her to contribute to a possible growth of the relationship...
THAT'S a d!ck move...
plain and simple.0 -
Two points.
One - NEVER, NEVER, NEVER pursue an online relationship. I met my husband online, but we exchanged about 2 emails, one telephone conversation and then met and took it from there. An online relationship is a fantasy, pure and simple. Only real life contact, regularly, and for more than a few hours will tell you if this is going to work.
Two - it was much too soon to develop ANY relationship so soon after breaking up from an abusive relationship. You need time, a long time to work out who you are and get comfortable being you. I had three and a half years on my own and it was the best thing I ever did. We do not need a man to make us feel good about ourselves. A relationship will only be a good one if it is coming from a place of strength, not a place of need.
It sounds to me as if you are already coming to realise some of this for yourself. Maybe your therapy is helping. You are growing in strength and this experience will help you go forward. You can learn from it. You will learn from it. Good luck and, as others have said, make a REAL life for yourself. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
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But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.
P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
Yeah, damn those honest guys. What *kitten*.
No, damn anyone who don't bother to think about the other person's feelings. He's ending it because he wants to, not because the other person cheated on him or lied to him. He can make a small sacrifice of not dumping on her while he does it.
He didnt dump on her, he was honest in a straightforward way.
I can't speak for others, but I would rather someone tell me the real reason they do not want to be with me rather than sugarcoat it. Much better than sitting around wondering if you are such an awful person that no one will ever love you. At least if someone told me it was because I am fat I would know that it is something fixable.
There isn't anything wrong with her that she is unaware of, or that he was unaware of. Honesty has to have a point, like when you're breaking up with someone because of their ethics, or you aren't breaking up with someone and you need to fix a problem in your relationship.
How does his honesty not have a point? Nad how is her awareness of her weight problem relevant?
If he simply told her that he didnt want to pursue a relationship anymore, she would likely have insisted on knowing the reason why. He gave her his reason, which I find reasonable.
That being said, I am sure she has expressed to him that she was actively trying tk improve her health, so if I were in his shoes, I would have waited.0 -
Wow! Well, first of all, that's the last time I write a post and then walk away for a few hours! I can't believe all of the conversation and debate this has started. I'm sorry if I've opened a big can of worms here (and on my first official MFP day)! But I will say that I completely respect each and every opinion that has been offered and I thank all of you for taking the time to reply and tell me (and others) what you think.
When problems arise, whatever they are, it's good to have lots of different perspectives on it and I appreciate you guys helping me out with this!
To be clear, he IS a good man, and it's hard to put a whole story in a post, so I just picked out the important bits which may have made him sound worse than he is. So, I thank those of you who tried to see from both sides of the story, which is what I'm also doing.
The facts are this: I am NOT happy in myself being the size I am and feeling as unhealthy as I do (that's on me). He is a good man whose friendship means an awful lot to me. I am still in love with him and so was sad and hurt when he said what he did. However, and this may sound awful...I agree with him. In the first moments of hearing it, it was like a knife going through my heart, but as some time passed and my head clears, I am glad he told me the truth. I have asked him to be honest for the last year and I have done the same with him...why in the world would I expect that when it comes to this, he should lie to protect my feelings? Is that what a real friend does?
In terms of staying in touch with him, I am going to try, but who knows if my emotions will allow me to do that forever. But, the point is, I don't want to lose his friendship. So, as an earlier poster said, I just won't advertise what I'm doing to him or anyone (apart from you guys) just yet. It seems I can get all the support I need on here from people like me who have gone through it, are about to go through it or have done it. When I can reconcile the emotions behind his good intentions, then maybe I'll be able to speak to him openly about his tips and tricks and get that kind of support from him. But for now, it may be just a bit too soon.
As for me, I'm motivated, I want this and I'm GOING to do it...with or without him.
Sorry to go on again, I just felt that after starting this, I shouldn't just go into hiding after everyone had taken the time to comment one way or another, so again, thank you all for your kind words, honesty and inspirational suggestions - I really appreciate it!
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I read a couple of pages of comments, then got distracted... sorry...
But I think it would be worth backing off for a few months to work on yourself, reassess feelings etc, stay friends but keep some distance - then if you still really care for him, go for a visit, and see if there is real physical attraction between you still. You might find that the spark has faded and you really are just friends. You might find a mutual desire to go at it like rabbits. It will be an interesting test for both of you.
If you do meet up, and it doesn't work out - well, at least you'll know.0 -
I read a couple of pages of comments, then got distracted... sorry...
But I think it would be worth backing off for a few months to work on yourself, reassess feelings etc, stay friends but keep some distance - then if you still really care for him, go for a visit, and see if there is real physical attraction between you still. You might find that the spark has faded and you really are just friends. You might find a mutual desire to go at it like rabbits. It will be an interesting test for both of you.
If you do meet up, and it doesn't work out - well, at least you'll know.
Thanks That's a great suggestion...he still wants me to visit, so I'm sure it would be the same in a few months' time. Keeping some distance, though not ignoring completely of course, would help me to clear my head and focus on my goals for a while. I'd hope that by that time I will be feeling better both inside and out and would enjoy a trip to a beautiful country where I will actually be able to enjoy going on walks and enjoying the scenery...more than I ever would have been able to do right now! And if there is a spark we'll know...and if not...well, we'll know! 0 -
Loves you but doesnt love you? So what if you gained weight because you had an autoimmune disease had to take steroids and gained weight would it be the same. You went through an abuse you turned to food to comfort yourself. Someone who has been 300lbs should understand that. Has he started talking to another woman online? And still wants you to visit what is that about? It's too confusing to me...dont let him lead you on. You may think he's your best friends and perfect for you, but to not understand your circumstance and not accept you as he's always known you is odd. If you talk about everything didnt you talk to him about being on MFP and wanting to live healthier? Why hasn't he give you advice and wanted to help you there?
If he doesnt love you that way then you need to move on dont waste your time. Remember the best revenge is success and happiness.
Youre still in love now so you dont want revenge but if it continues the way I image you will...0 -
I think that he was being reasonable. Moving to a different country is a HUGE change and is not to be taken lightly. I disagree with everyone else that is saying "if he loved you then it wouldnt matter!" because physical attraction DOES matter. He also expressed concerns about you being able to keep up with his family's active lifestyle, again valid. He probably does not want to end up as a couch potato again because he feels guilty that you cannot keep up, but wants to spend time with you.
This whole notion that a woman's weight being the sacred cow (no pun intended) in a relationship is BS in my opinion. If you want him, then start improving your health and fitness, which you want to do for yourself anyway. If he is still hesitant after, then at least you did what you could.
I assume if you are talking to a person for a year online you are attracted to them. I'm sure in that year they've shared intimate moments online, and I bet he had no problems.
This is a 180degs!0 -
for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...
see where that takes him....
cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.
love that thought0 -
By 'sacred cow' do you mean that for women, we think that we can look however we want and the man should just love us for who we are?
I will do this for me, not him - but in the long run if his feelings change, whatever they are, then that would be a happy ending...but I'm not going to hold my breath for it!
Thanks!!
So another thought...tables turned he's the one gaining weight and going through a depression. Say he fails like 95% of people do and goes back up to 300lbs. Would you not be attracted to him anymore?0 -
Warning - this is a long one, I'm sorry!
I've just joined MFP yesterday...been heavy all my life, it's created some pretty nasty demons inside, always wanted to change, but never felt motivated enough, blah blah blah.
For the last year I have been 'seeing' this man. He is a single father with two kids (7 and 8) and I am in the UK and he is in Germany. We met once in person but spoke most days over the last year on Skype. I've never met anyone who I've connected with so well (I find you can learn so much more about a person when you talk to them online as you spend the entire time talking about everything and anything).
He used to be 300 lbs but has lost nearly all of it over the past 2 years. He's worked amazingly hard for what he's achieved now and has adopted a completely healthy lifestyle and loves to be cycling, running, outside with the kids, whatever it takes to keep himself fit.
Things were getting serious about 6 months ago and I started learning German, I was speaking to his kids (the best I could as an English speaker) on Skype a lot and although it wasn't an immediate plan, we had talked a lot about me moving there to be a family.
The catch? I had recently come out of a 10 year marriage of physical, emotional and financial abuse and it can really kill a person inside. So I had spent the last year 'healing' and going through the depression that naturally arises after things like this. He was a great support and an amazing friend through it all. But, the problem is that he saw the 'healing' me - eating to ease the pain, sitting around in my pajamas watching TV, not going on and seeing people, basically just being a shadow.
Now, almost 2 years on, I am ready to start focusing on improving other aspects of me - particularly my health and weight and general attitude towards eating and living (also a process in itself). Great, right??
Well, the last 6 months, German guy has been very distant romantically but has been completely the same otherwise and I finally asked him to 'spit it out' the other day to which he replied, in the nicest possible way, 'I fought for the last six months against the doubts in my head because you are perfect and the kids love you and I love you but....it turns out I am superficial'
Apparently what this is, is 'I love you completely in every other way, but I can't deal with your weight' After further talking, it seems that it was that along with his concerns that our lifestyles wouldn't combine well and he was worried that if my health at 32 was like this, what would it be in 10 years and it hurt to think he could lose me. And now, ironically, the fact that I want to eat healthy and start getting out he is seeing as 'she is doing this for me' which he thinks is completely wrong.
So, here it stands. We are the best of friends and I am completely still in love with him. The only man I have trusted and felt comfortable with in over 11 years has managed to pull out the ONE emotional demon that has beat me for my entire life and used it as the reason he can't be with me....while I am trying to improve that exact part of my life. He still wants to talk all the time and visit him and the kids.
The problem is that no matter how much my heart is aching right now, I think he has a perfectly reasonable point! He has come a long way in his health, doesn't ever want to look back to what he was, wants the best possible life for the kids and is afraid that from what he has seen of me over the past year, we would not be suitable in that way. Unfortunately, he got me at the worst time, try to heal from an abusive marriage....improving yourself is not the first thought on your mind when you leave a situation like that. There is no one else in his life, I don't think that is the problem. He is a great man and I respect that he told me the truth...but, I don't want to use him as my motivation to change...that was something I wanted to do anyway. Unfortunately, any pound I lose, or any exercise I do, he will think I am doing it for him. I'm lost - what do I do? Oh and by the way, apparently I have a 'very pretty face, but....' Any other girls just sick to the teeth of hearing that one?
Thank you so much to anyone who has managed to get to the end of this!
This has primarily been a long distance/internet only relationship.
It seems that as soon as it was time to "move ahead" he decided it was a no go.
Arguing about it is a waste of time
And he is right, about changing your ways FOR YOU.
Perhaps you should rethink YOUR priorities. If you want to change your lifestyle do so.
Please stop ignoring that this "best friend" is your lover. He is not.
You will find your mate. When you are both ready.0 -
First thing. Before you go moving in with someone, you need to have met them more than once. I know you talk on Skype BUT you are only seeing on fragment of his life and what he chooses to tell you and let you see. Same goes for you. You need to do a trial run for a a few weeks before you relocate. There are kids involved too, your not just creating a relationship with him but with the kids too. You need to know if you can ALL get a long.
As far as coming out of a 10 year crappy marriage. I don't think your emotionally ready. If you met him right after you left your abusive husband, I cant imagine that would be healthy. You allowed that abusive relationship to go on for 10 years maybe you need to sort that out before you move on to another relationship.
Okay this is going to be the rough part of my response.
Please don't take this too harshly. These are the facts of the moment though: Your overweight, your unhealthy, you eat poorly, you have a bunch of emotional baggage from your old marriage. You haven't worked on your health in the last year you have been talking to him. He hasn't seen any effort or results in that part of your life. You WILL figure it out and get healthy but that is your starting point right now.
He worked on himself and overcame those very same obstacles by himself. He sounds like he worked so hard to get where he is and after all that time its important for him to protect that part of his life. For you to move in with all those issues is like putting a liquor cabinet and a drunk friend into an recovering alcoholics house. Its super risky.
He is worried that you haven't taken the time to get your crap together and it will sabotage his healthy lifestyle. IMO I think it would. It is hard enough to maintain a healthy lifestyle on your own, having someone else in your home that has all the problems you used to have will more than likely derail you.
My thoughts.
Go on vaca to his house for a few weeks.
Work out and eat healthy. WITHOUT his involvement. Don't even talk about it much with him. This is for you and NOT his approval. He will see the results but you don't need his support. He needs to know your doing this on your own.
Seek therapy for your last abusive marriage. It is probably linked to your food issues.0 -
I am glad he told me the truth. I have asked him to be honest for the last year and I have done the same with him...why in the world would I expect that when it comes to this, he should lie to protect my feelings? Is that what a real friend does?
You are right! A real friend does not lie to protect feelings. However, this guy has known you for a year and even seen you. You mean to tell me it took him THAT long to realize he was superficial? I don't buy it.
And he let his kids talk to you and learn to love you and now he has changed his mind. THAT part really gets me. You don't DO that to kids.
You can go and visit and have a great time, but I wouldn't be more than the "friend" he seems to want now. Good luck!0
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