problem solving instead of eating

brenn24179

I am convinced I was an emotional eating, rather eat than deal.

I am dealing with a problem with a co worker who tells me what I should do all the time. I was thinking this feels familiar, my daughter was doing this to me last year. Daughter was telling me to go up to my Moms more, take her so and so more, etc etc. (Mom is very difficult and I do the best I can with her) Daughter was doing nothing, she lives out of town but telling me what I should do.

I have a coworker the same way, (thought it felt familiar). My sisternlaw is a pack rat and this lady proceeded to tell me I needed to help her clean up that stuff, also Christmas comes and I should do this to my house, I should make cookies and get into the holidays, I should do this to the house. I should take my husband out on our anniversary even we don't want to go out. See where I am coming from. Oh yea, and she says I should take my difficult Mom on vacation.

I remember having to tell daughter everyone is different, what works for her may not work for someone else or in other words mind your own business (like that song so you wont be minding mine.

I hate confrontation but found it is necessary in life to stop this stuff. First with daughter now with coworker. I think I ate rather than confronted, so I will confront because I don't want that 40 lbs back on.

Anyone else had to change their ways so they don't overeat? I know when I lost the weight I left my job and found another one, more confidence in myself. Change is hard but necessary just like confrontation is hard but necessary.

cmriverside

I find the best way to not receive unsolicited advice is to not complain to people. If I am at peace with the world, I'm not complaining and no one feels a need to tell me how to fix stuff.

I don't get advice out of the blue, I have to have said something to trigger it. When I've done that, I can say, "I'll take that into consideration." Then I change the subject.

People want to help. When I complain about something, they try to help. It's human nature to want to help. I have to relearn this all the time, too. As long as I'm solving my own problems, they don't have to "help."

MorganMoreaux

Congratulations on identifying your triggers - that's a huge step. I have a feeling changing the way you deal with them will have a much greater impact on your life than just weight - I suspect you'll be much happier overall

brenn24179

I am sure sometimes I have complained but not always. She will give advice out of the blue. She is a martyr with her family and buys stuff she cant afford for her adult children and tells me I should buy my daughter this. I say I am buying something else and she will say oh that is no good, you need to buy this. She is very controlling.

I feel like saying do what you want and leave me alone. But I do want to have some tact so I will tell her we are all different, everyone likes different stuff. Usually I just sit and say nothing but I have to change.

cmriverside

It really is a lot better to just acknowledge that you have heard them and then just change the subject. Just because someone gives advice that differs from my beliefs doesn't mean I have to engage in conversation about it.

Most people want to help. "Thanks for the suggestion." "How about those Yankees?"

cmriverside

I guess I would add that in the past I've had to go to a supervisor and have that supervisor talk to the person who would do stuff that was annoying while I was working.

I wouldn't eat lunch with that woman, I wouldn't go out with her, I wouldn't engage in any personal conversation at all. Strictly business. I mean, how does a coworker know about your SIL's pack-rat problem, the fact your Mom is difficult, or about your anniversary? I don't get that familiar with people who are controlling. Just shut it down.


So I guess the Yankees would be out.

"Sorry, I have to get back to work!"

brenn24179

thanks for your reply. I do need to shut it down. She drives a bus and I am an aide and help with special need children. We have a lot of time for chit chat when we don't have children on our ride there and back. She ask questions about my family and then proceeds to tell me what to do. I need to say everyone is just fine. I have tried changing the subject. She is persistent. She is very giving person to a fault and wants me to be that way. She told me last New Years I needed to keep all 4 of my grandchildren, go get the ones out of town and then cook dinner for everyone! (see this is what she does) I think I will tell her I am uncomfortable with what I should do and tell her we are all different. Then talk about those Yankees!

kshama2001

I have lots of people who like to problem solve in my life. If I just want to vent, I tell them I just want to vent and they respect that. I wouldn't vent to people who couldn't respect a boundary I'd set.

I use to be an emotional eating but now I use exercise to deal with stress. I make sure I get exercise regularly.

brenn24179

thanks for your help, ok no personal conversations, I will direct it back to the kids, business. I hate it has to be like that but I am the one who has to change.

ronjsteele1

Yes. No personal conversations. You will not change her so engaging her is pointless. If she says something personal you can just act like you didn't hear her and change the subject. If she persists, you can even say something like, "I've decided to keep my personal life private from now on." She will get the hint. It might be a bit forward, but she'll get it.

kgeyser

brenn24179 wrote: »

thanks for your reply. I do need to shut it down. She drives a bus and I am an aide and help with special need children. We have a lot of time for chit chat when we don't have children on our ride there and back. She ask questions about my family and then proceeds to tell me what to do. I need to say everyone is just fine. I have tried changing the subject. She is persistent. She is very giving person to a fault and wants me to be that way. She told me last New Years I needed to keep all 4 of my grandchildren, go get the ones out of town and then cook dinner for everyone! (see this is what she does) I think I will tell her I am uncomfortable with what I should do and tell her we are all different. Then talk about those Yankees!

It sounds to me like she is pretending to be a giving person as a way to control those around her - she does things to make people feel indebted to her so they will feel guilty about refusing what she says or wants. I would try to avoid personal discussions, and if the conversation does turn that way and she starts giving advice, just tell her point-blank that the conversation has become inappropriate. It doesn't seem like she has any sense of personal boundaries, especially based on how she is suggesting you interact with your family.

brenn24179

definitely not going to talk about family any more, off limits. Anything else I don't guess there is nothing wrong with telling her I don't like it when she tells me I should do stuff because we are all different. I don't enjoy making those Xmas cookies she says I should make! If she wants to make them she should make them,not me. It takes courage but I am ready. Don't guess we will have much to talk about but will have my self respect, thank ya guys and oh yea my waist line thanks you!

brenn24179

kgeyser wrote: »

brenn24179 wrote: »

thanks for your reply. I do need to shut it down. She drives a bus and I am an aide and help with special need children. We have a lot of time for chit chat when we don't have children on our ride there and back. She ask questions about my family and then proceeds to tell me what to do. I need to say everyone is just fine. I have tried changing the subject. She is persistent. She is very giving person to a fault and wants me to be that way. She told me last New Years I needed to keep all 4 of my grandchildren, go get the ones out of town and then cook dinner for everyone! (see this is what she does) I think I will tell her I am uncomfortable with what I should do and tell her we are all different. Then talk about those Yankees!

It sounds to me like she is pretending to be a giving person as a way to control those around her - she does things to make people feel indebted to her so they will feel guilty about refusing what she says or wants. I would try to avoid personal discussions, and if the conversation does turn that way and she starts giving advice, just tell her point-blank that the conversation has become inappropriate. It doesn't seem like she has any sense of personal boundaries, especially based on how she is suggesting you interact with your family.

Have not thought about this but think you are right, she spends like crazy on adult children so they will go out with her on weekends, holidays, etc

brenn24179

ronjsteele1 wrote: »

Yes. No personal conversations. You will not change her so engaging her is pointless. If she says something personal you can just act like you didn't hear her and change the subject. If she persists, you can even say something like, "I've decided to keep my personal life private from now on." She will get the hint. It might be a bit forward, but she'll get it.

I have decided to do this right away when she mentions family, I am telling her I will not talk about my family, it is too negative and I want to be a positive person. I will repeat when needed. I have had it. Thanks for your reply

cmriverside

Yay. People pleasing is not a very healthy trait, but a lot of women fall into that trap. I know I was raised to "go along" and to "make people happy."

As a twenty-something I very nearly died over my people-pleasing personality and my inability to say no to anyone at any time no matter how bad something might have been for me personally. These days I protect very carefully my privacy, my intimate secrets, my relationship boundaries and who I choose to be close to. Anyone who over-steps those privacy and personal space boundaries sets my spidey sense tingling.

You'll feel much better about yourself when you keep private stuff private. I'm not mean to people, it's not negative to be a private person and she doesn't have any need to be all up in your business, right?

brenn24179

Thanks so much. I had to tell you how the day went. I stuck to my guns. It went great! I said I am not talking about family, it is too negative and I want to be positive. I am sure I will have to repeat this. I had to be cautious and catch myself and not talk about anything personal, I just talked about work. Also, she was caught up in fixing her daughter so she was leaving me alone. Poor girl! First good day I have had in a long time and looking forward to more. Thanks again. Yep, sometimes it is not what you are eating but what is eating you! Needed boundaries.

brenn24179

yep, a couple days later and she is at it again. Here she goes you SHOULD have a cookout with the family or go camping with them. I said I told you I am not talking about family. She says that is ridiculous, you can invite them and do stuff with them. I repeat I am not talking about family, I told you it was draining, we have a lot of other enjoyable stuff to discuss. She persist you cant just not do anything with them. I said I didn't say that. I just am not talking about them. I tell you these people never give up do they, well I felt better saying it anyway and no discussion went on so making some headway. And I am not hungry! (oh gosh holidays here soon)

cmriverside

You know - if you don't want to spend time with your family, that is absolutely your right, your choice. No one else has any say in that, but people like your coworker are wired to interfere so you're likely not going to change her.

Stay your course. I had very tight boundaries and restricted time with my family for decades. Do whatcha gotta do.

brenn24179

thanks cmriverside, you are so right, I guess I thought this would be easier, cant change her but like you said I have a right not to discuss it! I guess she thinks she can make a fairy tale ending and fix everything. I really don't know what she thinks. She says she feels bad my Mom is alone and sisterinlaw is overwhelmed and is a packrat and I could cook dinner to get kids together and so on and so on. She feels bad for everyone except me! I told her when she said I could take Mom to the beach I don't think she realizes how hard she is on me and the rest of the family is so draining so I don't want to talk about it. She says I guess I don't realize. Geez I will just keep repeating I don't want to talk about family!

I may tell her what you said. I do have a right to not talk about them if I don't want don't I? It gets weirder, today she said maybe we can be bff. Oh my! I know some times they have extra hours at work with this lady and I am going to have to find excuses not to work more with her if things don't change and it doesn't look like it will.

May be she is trying to aggravate me, who knows? or maybe just overconcerned. She needs a life, that is for sure. I apologize for being so lengthy, this lady has drove me nuts!

cmriverside

It sounds like you have some pretty big issues with your family and when those are unresolved that bad boundary-setting bleeds over into other relationships. Do you have anyone who is in your corner, who supports you? Have you thought about talking to someone about it, like a counselor or your pastor?

I think I would tell this woman she can invite them all to her house and entertain them herself if she's so concerned.

If you stop talking about them, she has no ammunition.

brenn24179

thanks so much, since I quit discussing family matters with her, she is talking about everyone else and now I realize how hard she is on everyone, even this lady who has a special needs child, she cant figure out why she needs so much help (can you believe that?) She is also talking about telling her adult kids what to do .anyway glad it is not me. Yes I do have much support from a wonderful husband. I have also talked to pastor and other professionals. My family is self absorbed and I do the best I can with it. Anyway, thanks again. I feel so much better not discussing personal stuff with her. I will leave that for my supportive people!

brenn24179

ok, it is a month later. This coworker is wired to interfere that is for sure. I thought maybe she was pushing my buttons so I quit talking about family. No, she is just a busy body into my business. We ride together on a bus, she the driver, I am an aide. I thought we could talk about safe things like my good husband, church, anything but family. Nope. She knows my husband and I don't exchange gifts at Christmas. She starts saying ya need to buy each other a gift. It will be just like any other day if you don't. That was yesterday, today - different subject. I went to dinner with friends last night and she said you need to take your husband to a nice place like that. It is only fair he gets to do those things. Geez, I told her here she goes telling me what I should do again! I guess we really cant discuss anything. I guess these people mean well but why do they like to run your life? I guess when she ask what I am doing over the weekend, I will say NOTHING. I may have to go back substituting on other buses if I cant handle her, I am trying to deal.

danika2point0

Sometimes with this type of person, it's best to keep things suitably vague. 'Hmm, maybe.' Or 'Hm, perhaps...' 'This weekend? I am not sure yet.' Alternatively, re-direct the conversation back to her and just ask a ton of questions. 'Oh, tell me more about that.' 'That must be hard for you.' 'What's that like?' Either way tends to work in that you don't have to provide any real substantial information about you whatsoever. Give her nothing.

Cbestinme

Interesting discussion

socioseguro

@brenn24179
Unfortunately, you have a Busybody at work.
I concur with other posters. Refuse to engage on any talk about your private life.
You can only talk about work and nothing else.
If you do not provide private information, this person can not give you any feedback
Good luck

brenn24179

my pastor's wife said tell her You just need to take care of yourself. I am going to try this. Geez!
I don't have to talk about anything personally and she tells me what to do. She tells me I need to make these cookies she makes, I need to not eat red meat, etc, etc.

Hamsibian

brenn24179 wrote: »

ok, it is a month later. This coworker is wired to interfere that is for sure. I thought maybe she was pushing my buttons so I quit talking about family. No, she is just a busy body into my business. We ride together on a bus, she the driver, I am an aide. I thought we could talk about safe things like my good husband, church, anything but family. Nope. She knows my husband and I don't exchange gifts at Christmas. She starts saying ya need to buy each other a gift. It will be just like any other day if you don't.

Maybe it's because I'm not Christian, but I find it sad when gift giving is the main point of Christmas to some people.

brenn24179

had confrontation with coworker, I see why I had rather eat than deal. She was not apologetic at all, she is always telling me I should do this and that, she blew up and said she was just making suggestions and it looked like I didn't like anything she said so drop it and I wouldn't have to worry about it any more! Needless to say it didn't go well. But I did tell her how I felt and was nice about it but she sure was not so we will see how it goes. People that try to run your life don't like it when you stop it.

150poundsofme

Hi, Don't let her put you on the defensive. You did nothing wrong. You mentioned that you have down time with her. How about you bring a magazine or book to read so you and her have less time to chat?

janekana

I think the best thing to do with someone like that is just keep agreeing. Whatever she says, just say "Yes", even if you're not going to do it. Just tune her out and keep saying "Yes". It helps a lot, and she'll understand that you really don't want to talk about it, or she may take it as if you understand her and she'll stop arguing it too. Either way, it'll get her to stop.

cmriverside

Oh, boy. She's persistent, I'll give her that.

Can you get reassigned to another driver/bus?

How about - in addition to, "Worry about your own self," how about saying, "Mind your own business."

Which is the same thing, only I'm not the pastor's wife so I can be much more direct. I've never had anyone continue to overstep after I've repeatedly done all the things we've suggested. "Mind your own business," seems to be just what this lady needs.