problem solving instead of eating

cmriverside

Don't eat at her!! It's not worth it. She's not worth it.

bettiegambrill20162016

Make up a REALLY weird yarn and throw her off....hahaha

brenn24179

thanks so much for all your comments, I feel like I have been in world war II, I love how she turned it around and said she was just making suggestions! I told her I didn't want suggestions or advice. we will see how it goes, may be getting a transfer. She definitely needs a life. I didn't eat over this so dealing is good but hard.

Rebecca0224

cmriverside wrote: »

It really is a lot better to just acknowledge that you have heard them and then just change the subject. Just because someone gives advice that differs from my beliefs doesn't mean I have to engage in conversation about it.

Most people want to help. "Thanks for the suggestion." "How about those Yankees?"

My psychiatrists told me to respond to people's advice or demands(you need to/should do...) with "thank you... how about them cowboys ".

cmriverside

rebeccaculp87 wrote: »

cmriverside wrote: »

It really is a lot better to just acknowledge that you have heard them and then just change the subject. Just because someone gives advice that differs from my beliefs doesn't mean I have to engage in conversation about it.

Most people want to help. "Thanks for the suggestion." "How about those Yankees?"

My psychiatrists told me to respond to people's advice or demands(you need to/should do...) with "thank you... how about them cowboys ".

hah. I shoulda been a shrink.

Nah. All that whining and complaining. I would be a horrible psychiatrist. I'd just hand them a bottle of pills.

I know. I'm terrible.

But the tactic works: Agree/deflect.

It's an art.

janekana

brenn24179 wrote: »

thanks so much for all your comments, I feel like I have been in world war II, I love how she turned it around and said she was just making suggestions! I told her I didn't want suggestions or advice. we will see how it goes, may be getting a transfer. She definitely needs a life. I didn't eat over this so dealing is good but hard.

You didn't eat though, that's amazing! Congrats, you did really well handling the situation too

Rebecca0224

brenn24179 wrote: »

thanks for your reply. I do need to shut it down. She drives a bus and I am an aide and help with special need children. We have a lot of time for chit chat when we don't have children on our ride there and back. She ask questions about my family and then proceeds to tell me what to do. I need to say everyone is just fine. I have tried changing the subject. She is persistent. She is very giving person to a fault and wants me to be that way. She told me last New Years I needed to keep all 4 of my grandchildren, go get the ones out of town and then cook dinner for everyone! (see this is what she does) I think I will tell her I am uncomfortable with what I should do and tell her we are all different. Then talk about those Yankees!

What you should do is what you feel is right for YOU not her.

brenn24179

I am going to stop it instantly when she starts up again, I am going to say Remember what we talked about in a very firm voice.

cmriverside

brenn24179 wrote: »

I am going to stop it instantly when she starts up again, I am going to say Remember what we talked about in a very firm voice.

Go Brenn!

She'll be fussy, she may pout or be indignant. That's okay, you can't control that. That's HER issue.

brenn24179

things went better today (kind of afraid to say that for how long will it last) sort of strained but at least she was more respectful.

yayamom3

I really feel for you. It's so hard to ignore this pushy coworker when it's just the two of you. Alone. On a bus. Do you have a smartphone and are you allowed to use it when you're not supervising children? If yes, then I would just bury my nose in my phone (or even put in headphones). As an introvert, I often use my phone as a barrier between myself and uncomfortable people or situations.

brenn24179

Update: She stopped herself earlier in the week and said you will think I am telling you what to do. That was great. But today she started again at the end of shift. She said you SHOULD go up to the Peaks of Otter and eat dinner. I just called her on it and said Remember what I said you are shoulding me again. Here she goes .she says it is such a suggestion. I said I don't want suggestions or shoulding me, remember? Just tell me what you want to do. I guess that is all that is possible, I can have the nerve to stop it or ask for another bus which it might come to. Yep, early in the day she got into someone else business. We were to get back earlier and she gets involved in something to help out and pick up someone else school kids and makes us late. She is definitely into everyones business. I cant change her but at least ya give me the guts to say I don't want to be shoulded (what a word)

brenn24179

another month has passed so here is the update: I was beginning to try to control coworker and it wasn't working. Found it best to just change the subject like a lot of you told me (I am a little hard headed), My son opened my eyes over Xmas, he was acting like a jerk, very critical and I read an article on internet about dealing with family gatherings. It was exactly the same. My thoughts and actions are all I can control. Eye opening. I just bury myself in a book or phone and change that subject. They are who they are.

brenn24179

ok another month has gone by, I have had it! I have asked to be put on another bus or I am going back being a sub. Either way I am out of here (not working with someone that controlling)

brenn24179

FRIDAY IS MY LAST DAY WITH MISS CONTROLLER. I am happy to be free of that, I tried everything. I guess I didn't have the personality to ignore or maybe I don't need the money that bad,lol.

brenn24179

just got new job, new bus, happy. Life is too short to be miserable so I made a change, this is better than eating!!

__TMac__

Yes! I read back through the whole thing. Good for you! My sister is sort of like this, and the only thing that works is to keep her at a distance.

Besides, change is good! It keeps us young.

cheryldumais

congratulations!

CSARdiver

brenn24179 wrote: »

I am sure sometimes I have complained but not always. She will give advice out of the blue. She is a martyr with her family and buys stuff she cant afford for her adult children and tells me I should buy my daughter this. I say I am buying something else and she will say oh that is no good, you need to buy this. She is very controlling.

I feel like saying do what you want and leave me alone. But I do want to have some tact so I will tell her we are all different, everyone likes different stuff. Usually I just sit and say nothing but I have to change.

People who have little to no self discipline tend to force the need to control others - so you are unwittingly becoming this individuals better self. This person has a lot of passive aggressive behaviors. You have to understand that they will never change and they will never see their actions as you see them.

You need to be firm and direct, not necessarily impolite, but set firm boundaries in this relationship. A simple "I have made the best decision for me" works just fine.

A common tactic from passive aggressive people is to turn it around and play the victim. Don't play into this game and end the conversation.

Good move on your part - way to be assertive! Flex those muscles!

brenn24179

You have to understand that they will never change and they will never see their actions as you see them.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!

She told me I was acting weird and she thought I took what she said the wrong way!

Either way I am done, Boss called and I start working on a new bus tomorrow, Thanks so much for all my MFP comments, it means a lot. I had to get away from someone that draining!

rosej31

Just say Okay, no problem...let it go one ear and out the other

brenn24179

My Dad had a temperament like that and I don't. Best I move on. Someone riding me all the time has got to go!

CSARdiver

Good for you! I'm very happy you posted this and hope this becomes a teaching moment for others.

I just took a job about 2 years ago and weeded out 3 very passive aggressive personalities from my department. It is literally night and day here and people are excited about coming to work.