Maintenance with Overweight Spouse

foursixfour

I am in maintenance and have a loving partner who eats junk (major sweet tooth) most of time and binges at night. We watched a documentary on processed sugar, its addictive properties, how it makes you hungry, how it impaires your thinking and other adverse physical affects both long and short term.

Nothing really changed much or very long. For a while he switched from ice cream to fruit yogurt (just as much sugar.

I want to be successful at maintaining. I know my main trigger food and he graciously agrees not to keep more than 1 serving of it for himself to enjoy in the house.

Still, long term what is it like to continue prioritizing nutrition, while being with someone who eats lots of processed food and sugary drinks with little nutritional value?

Does anyone have experiences they can share, positive, negative or mixed? Advice is welcome.

I joined a couple of whole foods and plant based groups on meetup for support and camaraderie of others who are maintaining their health through nutritious eating. I hope it will help to have a peer group.

brenn24179

my hubby and I both do it together. He does slip more than me. I know I cant do a thing with him but he is cheap, so he hates to grow out of clothes so that helps. I know my parents hounded me and I wished they had said something loving like you need to take care of yourself, you take care of others all the time, make time for you. Instead they criticized, called me big fat thing and laughed, asked me how much bigger I would get, did I have fluid, this certainly didn't help.

CipherZero

My spouse got angry with me for losing weight and begged me to stop; I went from 40% body fat to around 20% and ignored her whining entirely.

nowine4me

My husband eats like crap, cheeseburgers and fries for lunch every day, plus drinks tons of beer. The only thing I can control is dinner, so I do my best to make it healthy and tasty. I'd worry about yourself and keeping up with maintenance and fingers crossed he'll come around.

Abm4n

It's not easy to do it with a partner who is not "on board" and doesn't want to eat a more healthy diet. That's not to say it is impossible, just more difficult.

PennWalker

Can you do something that is healthy together, but not food? Can you go to the gym together, go for a hike, etc.? If he starts thinking more about health in general he might be more open about the sugar. In the end, we each have to walk our own road.

tapwaters

Talk to him/her. Tell your SO that you need support within the house to be successful, and that includes changing what is in the house. Express your feelings that you would like to see him/her become healthier so your lives together can be longer and more adventurous. Sit down and have an honest and free discussion of how you feel.

Then, listen. Be open to what he/she has to say about how your life changes have affected him/her and how that makes him/her feel.

HippySkoppy

In the beginning when we were both morbidly obese and when I changed and I wanted to commit to losing the weight he reluctantly came along for the ride. In his heart he knew that he too was not on a path to longevity and the fact that neither of us had T2 by this point was a bloody miracle, but his head wasn't in the game and this is the crux of the problem.

I can tell you here and now, it was a brutal and frustrating experience as we fell into almost 'trainer' and 'client' roles, there were endless arguments, sulking and resentment on both sides.

For both our sakes I had to cut him loose and do my own stuff and walk my own walk. He did eventually change, got really decently fit and lost a lot of weight...then he got complacent and stopped logging. We had a lot of external stresses and he ate his feelings and without the accountability of MFP he just couldn't see and hadn't learned that he was eating just too much and not burning it off. At this point he has regained over 1/2 of what he lost.

I have tried to encourage him to get back to logging and get in some exercise but it's tricky. It's a fine line between nagging and encroaching on personal space.

Do I worry? *kitten* yes. I worry he's going to have a heart attack (he's 55 in a couple of months) develop diabetes despite the fact that he eats very nutritious and minimally processed foods (he just eats too much). We have talked honestly together about my concerns and he acknowledges them and respects my point of view, he also supports my endeavours to keep my weight stable. Hopefully with time he'll find the strength to change.

To my way of thinking your partner is supporting you by not bringing your trigger foods in the home in quantites that causes you issues. I know it can be a little sad and lonely when you are on seemingly different paths, I get a lot of my support from the MFP community so I hope the same will happen for you too with the forums you have joined.

God that was long. Sorry. I don't know if any of this story is helpful, at least you know there are others who are in similar positions.

Francl27

First those documentaries are garbage.

Second, it's just the same as losing, you just eat a bit more, but it's really the same mindset. So whatever worked when you were losing, keep doing it. You can't force someone to lose weight/eat less if they don't want to... so it's up to you to make the decision every day not to overeat.

My husband's obese, and I lost 80 pounds and been maintaining for over 2 years now. I also have kids, and they bring more junk in the house overall than my husband does! But you're the one responsible for what you eat... so in the end you just have to want to be thin more than you want the food.

BrettWithPKU

The best peer group you can have is a pair of spouses. I don't think you should try to change him; he has to "let" you change him, which means he has to want to change.

I'm guessing you've had a serious talk with him about it (if not, you should). But you should request that he cut back on sugary stuff a bit, or at least try not to eat it around you. If he has a serious health and/or weight problem, use health as the focal point for asking him to eat healthier. If you're doing most of the cooking, cook healthy food. If you do most of the grocery shopping, then you have control over what's in the fridge and pantry; use that to your advantage!

zyxst

My husband supports me with my weight loss and maintenance and is fine with me. He eats what he wants, but he whines about being unable to do things comfortably because he's so fat. I did the same 5 year ago, then it clicked with me and I lost weight. Hubby hasn't found his click moment. He knows about tracking, weighing, eating less, working out, etc., but none of them have stuck for longer than 2 weeks. I no longer help him with weight loss unless it's something I'm doing anyway like cooking a meal or general food prep. He's content with being morbidly obese, on HBP meds, and whining about his clothes not fitting.

I tried to not be "that spouse" who nagged him about losing weight, but I did it anyway and learned it was a waste of time and a marital fight waiting to happen. He does what he wants and I do what I want. Most of the time, we don't gel.

AnnofB

Abm4n wrote: »

It's not easy to do it with a partner who is not "on board" and doesn't want to eat a more healthy diet. That's not to say it is impossible, just more difficult.

This ^. You two seem to be able to discuss the situation without acrimony which is great. But, you can't change him so don't waste precious energy trying to. Just keep being the good example you are to him and your kids. I would limit the kids bringing home junk food. You're the boss of them, and you can set limits on that.

You're smart in joining some supportive groups. My pals on MFP keep me going. Friends and family can be, well, less than helpful... (no major revelation there, ) So get support where ever you can.

Congratulations on reaching your goal! Take pride in that and let it motivate you to keep going in spite of the roadblocks you are facing. You can do it. You ARE doing it! Good for you!

amyk0202

My husband has been watching his calories this year & has lost 50 lbs & is now a normal BMI. Prior to that, he ate whatever he wanted. I did not try to police his eating although I have been watching my calories for years now. I do not believe it is my job to police another adult's eating habits. I think that could lead to a lot of issues between two people. I'm not his mom.

I also think those documentaries are garbage. If you have someone who has a major sweet tooth & you are trying to force them into eating a bunch of plant based health food stuff, that may not be a sustainable way of eating for them. I have a huge sweet tooth For me, that means I need to structure my calorie intake to include something sweet every single day. It's about portion control, not elimination. Personally, I would want to die if I had to face a life of eating a bunch of typical whole foods, plant based stuff. I like processed foods. I like fast food. I've lost 130 lbs eating what I like in smaller quantities. Maybe your husband needs to develop his own way of eating that will be sustainable for him, even if it doesn't match yours. You have to make your own choices & he has to make his. So, if that means he needs to have some treats in the house to be successful, you need to either work those into your day, or resist.

adamyovanovich

Me and my wife are both losing weight, but we eat way differently. I eat 3 solid meals and one small snack after work. She snacks throughout the day and eats light for breakfast and lunch. She has chips and snacks and everything she likes and I buy what I like for a snack. Just do you, don't worry about your spouse. On my days off I eat way different than she does for breakfast and lunch and she snacks throughout the day, she does what works for her, I do what works for me, and shes 25 down and im 40 down.

mom23mangos

nowine4me wrote: »

My husband eats like crap, cheeseburgers and fries for lunch every day, plus drinks tons of beer. The only thing I can control is dinner, so I do my best to make it healthy and tasty. I'd worry about yourself and keeping up with maintenance and fingers crossed he'll come around.

^^ This...well, substitute coke for beer. LOL. It works out fine for us. I took over dinner duties and he agreed to eat whatever I cook (for the most part). He will occasionally decide he's in the mood for fast food or pizza after I've already planned a meal, so he and the kids will eat that and I'll eat what I cooked and package up the leftovers for lunches. I just worry about keeping myself on track. Also, so that I'm not a total buzzkill, I eat under maintenance and don't eat back exercise calories during the week and then free eat on the weekends. So if he wants to go out for lunch or dinner, I don't worry about it.

nxd10

My husband and I started MFP at the same time 4 years ago. I lost 40 pounds and have maintained. He's lost 5 of the 50 he needs to. I have found lots of good food I like to eat that isn't calorie intense. I eat anything I want, just in small helpings. It's been good for him to have me maintain. He knows what he has to do, he just hasn't done it yet.

We both walk together - he exercises more than me actually, because he teaches tai chi. But I've learned to drink water and have smaller helpings when we hang out together watching movies. It's been okay.

Abm4n

If you had children would you; 1) lecture them on the importance of eating healthy food, 2) tell them to exercise more 3) prescribe a balanced macronutrient plan for them or 4) just prepare healthy meals and lead by example?

I teach migrant women about healthy eating because they are vulnerable to exploitation by the food corporations and they are generally prone to becoming unhealthy - overweight, obese and diabetic; a burden to the health system. I don't pretend that they are likely to modify their lifestyle or their diet but I do my best anyway using cooking demonstrations in class etc.

STEVE142142

I hate to tell you this even though you love him, there's not a damn thing you can do to change his mind of how he wants to approach his diet. You don't want to get into the nagging habit and it'll even make him less receptive to what you're talking about.

The only person you can worry about is yourself. Keep on doing what you're doing and let him do what he wants to do maybe at some point things will click for him. Maybe at some point he'll realize I got the hot wife and why are all these other guys checking you out. that might be what it takes to get him to change his attitude. just love him but you have to do this for yourself

RoxieDawn

Can't make someone want something they do not want! So best advice stop trying, and take care of you! Either the spouse will catch on after seeing results or will just simply stay the way they are.

I think this is challenging and frustrating but a person has to take care of themselves when you get right down to it. You live in your skin and they live in theirs. In this case there is not a "we" there is a "me", so take care of "me"!

cerise_noir

You do you, they do themselves. It's how it goes. They'll jump on the wagon when they are ready if they even want to. The more you push, the less they'll want to jump on board.

JeromeBarry1

I live with 3 women and I do the grocery shopping. I do the grocery shopping. Today I bought healthy stuff for me and junk for them. All I can do is me. I have developed the discipline to eat moderately and stay in a calorie deficit. Right now I'm cooking my supper, which is a lentil-barley soup. I'll share, of course, if they want my stuff, but their stuff is not of interest to me.

sijomial

foursixfour wrote: »

I am in maintenance and have a loving partner who eats junk (major sweet tooth) most of time and binges at night. We watched a documentary on processed sugar, its addictive properties, how it makes you hungry, how it impaires your thinking and other adverse physical affects both long and short term.

Nothing really changed much or very long. For a while he switched from ice cream to fruit yogurt (just as much sugar.

I want to be successful at maintaining. I know my main trigger food and he graciously agrees not to keep more than 1 serving of it for himself to enjoy in the house.

Still, long term what is it like to continue prioritizing nutrition, while being with someone who eats lots of processed food and sugary drinks with little nutritional value?

Does anyone have experiences they can share, positive, negative or mixed? Advice is welcome.

I joined a couple of whole foods and plant based groups on meetup for support and camaraderie of others who are maintaining their health through nutritious eating. I hope it will help to have a peer group.

My guess would be that your spouse doesn't share your extreme views on foods and regarding the two bold paragraphs probably finds your views irritating - continuing to eat his way is his rebellion.

Watching those kind of mockumentaries when you clearly disapprove of his eating habits would certainly come across as preaching at him. Maybe keep it to yourself and/or share with your like-minded support group but don't bring it home? Support the goal of health/weight loss but don't dictate the method.

I lost weight together with my wife but she regained while I maintained. I can support and encourage her but in the end it's her choice, I won't nag her. When she is ready I will support her whilst she loses weight.

Heartisalonelyhunter

I don't get why people b***ch about their spouses on a public website. Do you really think they don't know your username and can't see what you say about them? Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and they were discussing you/your appearance/your relationship with a bunch of Internet strangers....

zyxst

Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »

I don't get why people b***ch about their spouses on a public website. Do you really think they don't know your username and can't see what you say about them? Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and they were discussing you/your appearance/your relationship with a bunch of Internet strangers....

My husband knows I say this shizzle about him. Rolls off his back. I take it that he b1tches about me to his buddies when I'm not around. We also say this stuff to each other which is why it's not a drag-out fight if/when either of us finds out.

The anonymity of the internet can help people work out problems because they know the chances of anyone knowing who they really are is slim.

Heartisalonelyhunter

zyxst wrote: »

Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »

I don't get why people b***ch about their spouses on a public website. Do you really think they don't know your username and can't see what you say about them? Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and they were discussing you/your appearance/your relationship with a bunch of Internet strangers....

My husband knows I say this shizzle about him. Rolls off his back. I take it that he b1tches about me to his buddies when I'm not around. We also say this stuff to each other which is why it's not a drag-out fight if/when either of us finds out.

The anonymity of the internet can help people work out problems because they know the chances of anyone knowing who they really are is slim.

It's not anonymous though. That's my point. If your spouse decided to see what you were saying he could easily find your user name and do a google search. Or a profile pic image search. I'm not saying that applies to everyone but I have read some terrible things people say about their spouses (that they are unattractive, that they can't stand them etc) and it makes me wonder if the people saying it actually want to be caught saying mean things or are so naive they think what they say is totally anonymous?

myfitnesspale3

Lots of sugar and carb junkies never realize they are addicts. They get hungry, so they eat more chips. Food companies are happy to feed their monkey without limit, and engineer more unsatisfying food to stimulate the monkey's appetite.

It's just business.

hypodonthaveme

I would try and find out if your spouse eats like that due to stress. Some people have never been taught or given a reason to relieve stress without greasy, sugary, salty foods. My husband has lost some weight during my journey. He supports me every way he can. Yet has multiple days a week where he just snacks and snacks and snacks. Usually due to stress or boredom. He travels during the day for his job so tons of hours behind the wheel.

Maybe try talking to your spouse and see if they know what causes their eating habits. Maybe they were deprived as a child and so now in adulthood they are making up for it. It does happen. You will be able to better answer that one.

For you, just keep doing what you are doing. He gets out ice cream, you get a bowl of fruit with a serving of cool whip ( cool whip is only 20-25 calories per serving, strawberries have 4 calories per medium one) . Or grab some veggies and a dip you like. Everything in moderation.

Remember you started this journey for you regardless of your spouse. So keep sticking to your plan.

ajsutter0396

I never offer suggestions to my spouse and I learned the hard way that he doesn't always really want me to answer the question he asks me. He was very supportive of me losing weight, however, he's been putting on pounds as I've been losing. He's got to find his own way. I'm responsible for me and only me! One of the biggest challenges of getting healthy is dealing with the people closest to you.

ninerbuff

Unless your spouse is force feeding you, you control what you eat. It's more a mental approach. And the whole thing the OP wrote about sugar is bad media and unsupported science. Sugar tastes good, but other than that, it's not the demon that the media and fitness "gurus" make it out to be.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

chocolate_owl

My husband eats what I make for meals in the portions that are served. Beyond that, any snacks or alcohol he chooses to have or exercise he does is his responsibility. He'll be supportive and not open a bottle of wine if I'm being super strict, but other than that I'm not going to police his decisions. He's an intelligent adult who knows what's good and bad for him. If he wants my help losing weight, he'll ask. Otherwise, his weight and how he goes about managing it is up to him. My responsibility is to keep employing my good habits around eating and working out as it applies to me and only me.

ahoy_m8

OP, I identify. DH eats pretty well but drinks more than I can .... well, I CAN, but not if I want to maintain. But then there are the kids. 3 teens. They ask for snacks (which I do buy them because they are amazingly good at moderation and sharing--blows my mind), and once they drive, they bring more snack food in. So there it is. 90% of the time I leave their snack food (and beer) alone. If I pre-plan with stuff I genuinely enjoy, it's easier to stay away from their stuff. If I get hungry and have to figure out something on the spot (with nothing planned), I am much, much more temped. Some of the time I just eat their stuff, log it & move on.

Kudos to you for reaching your goal & working with hubby to eliminate the trigger foods. That is huge. But it might also be the most you can expect. Beyond that, try to content yourself with the stuff you like best that fits in your plan.