Mixed Weight Couples

LaurenRitter205
LaurenRitter205 Posts: 24 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My boyfriend and I are a mixed weight couple. My boyfriend has a very nice athletic bod and currently trying to gain weight/muscle while I'm morbidly obese with a mothers apron, bat wings and huge thighs and butt. He says he absolutely loves me and my body and he says that I shouldn't be so self conscious because he thinks I'm beautiful but I can't help it. He's dated much prettier women than me with nice bodies and his whole family is naturally very slim and they're all very good looking as well and I guess I just feel like I'm always being judged because of my weight. And I feel like people look at us and think we're an odd couple or that he's too good looking for me. I know I shouldn't care what other people think because it's quite honestly the most amazing relationship I've been in and id never let people's opinions get in the way of us but I can't help feeling like this lately. I've been so hateful towards my body because I've been slacking and gained a few pounds and for some reason I feel embarrassed for him because he's with me. It's been a good way to keep me motivated in staying with my new lifestyle change but I feel like I'm the only who might feel this way.

Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?

PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.
«1

Replies

  • MaybeLed
    MaybeLed Posts: 250 Member
    edited September 2016
    Comparison is the thief of Joy

    My (now husband) had always weighed less than me even though he's 9 inches taller. He does tell me not to worry, he loves me whatever..... and my inner voice goes 'YEAH RIGHT'. but with his actions he's shown me that's true, he proposed, married me, shows me off in a way that is sometimes unbearable. So clearly it's my inner voice that's wrong. But admitting that doesn’t make it go away.

    I think part of the success of this times weight loss has been my aspiration to ‘be the best me I can’ I’m never going to be 5’10’’, or tan easily, or have bright red suit me. I’m not saying the voice has gone away but by sticking to the best me possible, I’ve lost weight. And not beaten myself up for not being perfect like I did with the all or nothing attitude I had before.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    Well, I'm slender and fit and my husband is 300 lb. I get him to go to the gym with me because all that weight is starting to mess up his blood sugar. I used to be overweight and the blood sugar problems still haunt me. As far as love and marriage the fat has no effect. I married him fat. I knew he would never be thin. I want to help him improve his health. but it's not like I find him unattractive for being fat. Your husband is probably more or less in the same boat with me. Many people's visual attraction for others is not linked to current societal fashions at all.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I've been married almost 17 years to a man 6 years younger than me. During that time I went from healthy weight to obese. My dh did not ever gain as much and lost weight before me. I've been fatter, older, got more gray hairs.
    He always complimented me, told me he loved me, etc. I found it hard to understand how he could be attracted to me at 125 lbs and at 180 lbs. I didn't really think much about our appearance as a couple to others and I guess I don't care. Maybe I worked that out with my early self conciousness of being older. We have friends of all ages and sizes. Partners are not always both althletic looking.
    Bottom line is he loves me no matter my size, he wants me to be healthy and happy, he cares zero about what others think. He likes that I am losing weight because I am happier, more energetic, can do more things.
  • robininfl
    robininfl Posts: 1,137 Member
    I think one thing to remember, besides remembering to be as nice to yourself as you are to others (would you, personally, judge a mixed weight couple like you are judging yourself? I think not.) is that it's kind of insulting to your boyfriend to think so badly of yourself. Do you not trust what he is telling you? He's with you, not someone else. Obviously you are the best choice for him, just like you think he is the best choice for you. How would you feel if he was always saying he wasn't good enough for you, or putting himself down?

  • kgirlhart
    kgirlhart Posts: 5,162 Member
    I know just how you feel, so don't worry, you aren't alone. I felt that way too when I was heavier than my husband. But you have to believe him and not compare yourself to others. If you want to lose weight for health reasons or to feel good about yourself, then go for it. You can do it. But don't do it because you think your husband "deserves" a "better" wife. He loves you for who you are and everyone else's opinion doesn't count.
  • LizPalen412
    LizPalen412 Posts: 38 Member
    Looks like you've gotten some good responses already, but I'm in a similar boat... you could maybe even say worse in some ways. My boyfriend isn't "fit" he's just small.. he's a couple inches shorter than me, and just slim built, while I'm tall, naturally muscular (always played sports) but also heavier. I struggled with it a lot at first and almost let it get in the way of actually agreeing to go out on a date with him in the first place, but I'm glad I went ahead and said yes. Like you, I'm in an amazing relationship, he treats me well and also loves me exactly how I am and is attracted to me and just acts like I'm the best thing on earth. Which is how it should be. I wouldn't say I've gotten it all figured out, or that it never ever bothers me anymore, but it's getting better. And like you said, it really shouldn't matter what other people think. They aren't there when your bf is comforting you after a stressful or upsetting day, or when he's loving on you and letting you know how awesome you are, or when you guys fight and make up. What you look like to other people has no real bearing on your relationship - they aren't in the relationship, it's just you and him. If he says he loves you and everything about you, trust him. He's still there and hasn't gone anywhere. If he's like my bf, he's proud to show you off and introduce you to people as his girlfriend, and that's a lot more than a lot of women get from relationships sadly.
  • richardpkennedy1
    richardpkennedy1 Posts: 1,890 Member
    edited September 2016
    When I was 20 years old I weighed only 125 lbs @ 5'7". My girlfriend at the time weighed 195 @ 5'4". She was very overweight, ate bad food and didnt exercise at all. Spent a few years together and I did fill out and she lost a bit but she was always at least 40 lbs heavier. Generally it wasn't an issue. We had other reasons for breaking up. However, looking back I can see why people might have thought it was strange. Now that am I into working out I would prefer my girl to make an effort to look after her health better.
  • LizPalen412
    LizPalen412 Posts: 38 Member
    Gena575 wrote: »
    I struggle some with this as well. Not only am I heavier, but he's a shortie. He still, at 40-something, wants nookie daily and near begs to see me nekkid. I think he's nuts, but obviously he loves me as I am.

    This sounds exactly like my relationship lol
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    LaurenRitter205 wrote: »
    My boyfriend and I are a mixed weight couple. My boyfriend has a very nice athletic bod and currently trying to gain weight/muscle while I'm morbidly obese with a mothers apron, bat wings and huge thighs and butt. He says he absolutely loves me and my body and he says that I shouldn't be so self conscious because he thinks I'm beautiful but I can't help it. He's dated much prettier women than me with nice bodies and his whole family is naturally very slim and they're all very good looking as well and I guess I just feel like I'm always being judged because of my weight. And I feel like people look at us and think we're an odd couple or that he's too good looking for me. I know I shouldn't care what other people think because it's quite honestly the most amazing relationship I've been in and id never let people's opinions get in the way of us but I can't help feeling like this lately. I've been so hateful towards my body because I've been slacking and gained a few pounds and for some reason I feel embarrassed for him because he's with me. It's been a good way to keep me motivated in staying with my new lifestyle change but I feel like I'm the only who might feel this way.

    Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?

    PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.

    Maybe you need to fix things just for your health, not for your thoughts about the relationship. How long have you been together? Was there a big change with you over time, or is this the way he found you? I think you should believe him if he says he loves you the way you are.
  • Purplebunnysarah
    Purplebunnysarah Posts: 3,252 Member
    At 212 lbs and 5'4", I'm skinnier now than I was when I got married. Whereas my husband has gained about 30 lbs and went from borderline underweight to something a bit healthier.

    We've been married 11 years. I think we're good :).
  • ogmomma2012
    ogmomma2012 Posts: 1,520 Member
    I agree with the second poster, until you stop looking at yourself negatively and think of your weight loss journey as loving yourself enough to take care of YOU, you'll always think others see you in the same light you see you. :) And believe me, pleeeenty of fitter men like a bigger gal, it is NOT uncommon.
  • lthames0810
    lthames0810 Posts: 722 Member
    My husband and I are not a mixed weight couple. In fact we wear the same size clothes. (Don't ask how I know this.) But I just wanted to say that I no longer can tell if he is handsome or attractive in the objective sense because when I look at him I just see the one I love, so his looks appeal to me no matter what. Trust that your husband feels the same way and ignore what other people may think.
  • bethannien
    bethannien Posts: 556 Member
    My husband put on 50 pounds after we met and he's still skinny. I was thin(ish) the first year we dated and have spent the 6 years since in a cycle of gaining and losing the same 30 or so pounds.

    I think the only time I have really worried about it was recently. And that's only because his new step mother said something kind of snarky about my weight (when I was literally 9+months pregnant). Now I'm hyper aware of the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than my 6'4" husband STILL after having lost close to 15 pounds.

    But he loves me and seems to not mind the extra weight (see babies 1 and 2). I'm losing the weight for me, not for anyone else's perception of him marrying down or whatever.
  • Caroline393
    Caroline393 Posts: 71 Member
    My boyfriend weighs less than me. He's taller too. But he's a stick and always has been. (And you know what, he's a bit insecure about his weight too). I get kind of self-conscious about it sometimes because I feel like I have an idea of what a couple should look like, and in my head it's me (the girl) being smaller than the guy. I know that's silly but it's how I picture it. I always get self-conscious when he picks me up or if he touches my tummy, but since we've been together for almost a year it's gotten better. I feel like he genuinely doesn't care and thinks I'm hot no matter what. That being said, he's been super supportive and enthusiastic about my weight loss goals and efforts and is encouraging about it. So I really think most of our insecurity just comes from us projecting our ideas of what should be onto those around us. We should just work on bettering ourselves for our own sake and work on being healthier and more confident.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I was thinking about this more and wanted to say that you have to learn to love yourself and that takes work at reframing your thoughts to see the positive. You might do that alone or may need help from a therapist to work through your issues.
    I went through a period of intense self hatred to the point where I wanted to physically harm myself. I don't know why I got to that negative place. My thoughts were poison. I had to sit down one day and make a list of 10 things I liked about me. Not things other people liked but things I liked. It was really hard. I had to start thinking of all I had and could do instead of focusing on what I wasn't.
    My value as a person is not a number on a scale or a clothing size. I concluded that I deserve to be healthy and live a full life. Getting to a healthy weight is part of taking care of me and being able to live the life I want. It isn't so I look better next to my dh. I'm not going to dye my hair or get plastic surgery. I'm not going to punish myself for being overweight. I'm not going to feel bad that I don't look like someone else. I am a much happier person. I liked myself before I lost any weight.
    Your weight can and will change. It isn't who you are. It doesn't make you a better or worse person to be a size 6 or a size 22. It doesn't make you more or less worthy of love.

  • melonaulait
    melonaulait Posts: 769 Member
    As someone with a very unhealthy inner voice myself, I can tell you it's a toxic way of looking at your life. Whatever you think of yourself, you will also make it the reality for yourself.

    I believe the solution is to try hard to work on your own self worth, image and care for yourself. You have a very caring partner it seems, they'll support you through this! :)
  • Mirelle242
    Mirelle242 Posts: 63 Member
    You got so much good advice! But I know how you feel. That's why I'll encourage you to not only focus on losing weight but focus on loving who you are! Then eventually your love on the inside is gonna shine from the outside

Categories