My mom is acting weird about my weightloss
LenGray
Posts: 866 Member
So, I've been on MFP for about a month. I got on here because my doctor had told me that I would have some serious health issues down the line unless I got my weight under control. My mom was with me and agreed whole-heartedly with the doc, even including that I'd been overweight my whole life (not true) and that she'd tried to encourage me to lose weight (kind of true)
I've lost 18 lbs so far and I'm staying on track really well. But, now my mom keeps making snide remarks about it?
Like, the other night, I had a pretty carb-heavy dinner. I wasn't worried about it because I'd had a protein-heavy lunch and breakfast but she said I wasn't serious about losing weight if I ate carbs.
When I bought my food scale, she laughed at me and told me that it wouldn't help. According to her, 'dieting is about eating less and moving more, not math!' and she told me that I'd give up on using it before too long.
Then, last night, I was really hungry because I've had an additional 100 calorie deficit for the past few days (just didn't feel hungry) so I treated myself to an extra eggroll and a Yoplait chocolate mousse. She looks at me and says, "You ate all that Chinese food and now you're having chocolate? Hmph, guess it didn't take you long to fall off of the wagon," and then just smirked at me the whole time I was having dessert.
I keep explaining to her that I'm within my calorie limits, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going to let her comments stop me from losing weight, but I'm just not sure why she was all gung-ho about it at the beginning and now she's sniping at me for silly things. Does anyone have any experience with this?
I've lost 18 lbs so far and I'm staying on track really well. But, now my mom keeps making snide remarks about it?
Like, the other night, I had a pretty carb-heavy dinner. I wasn't worried about it because I'd had a protein-heavy lunch and breakfast but she said I wasn't serious about losing weight if I ate carbs.
When I bought my food scale, she laughed at me and told me that it wouldn't help. According to her, 'dieting is about eating less and moving more, not math!' and she told me that I'd give up on using it before too long.
Then, last night, I was really hungry because I've had an additional 100 calorie deficit for the past few days (just didn't feel hungry) so I treated myself to an extra eggroll and a Yoplait chocolate mousse. She looks at me and says, "You ate all that Chinese food and now you're having chocolate? Hmph, guess it didn't take you long to fall off of the wagon," and then just smirked at me the whole time I was having dessert.
I keep explaining to her that I'm within my calorie limits, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going to let her comments stop me from losing weight, but I'm just not sure why she was all gung-ho about it at the beginning and now she's sniping at me for silly things. Does anyone have any experience with this?
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Replies
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Ignore and do not engage when she makes comments. It is the most effective way of dealing with people who do this.11
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It sounds like you are doing great. Try to ignore her and be patient, some people talk that way because they think it's motivating. Just stick with it! Great job on 18 lbs!!7
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Obviously she is still of the "diet" community - you are not dieting unless you "eat all rabbit food". She is not of the - this is a lifestyle change belief - learning how to eat that food which you like in moderation and planned for.
I think there are two ways you can deal with this.
1) Ignore - just keep smiling and do your thing
2) Educate - have her hook up with MFP and read some of these message boards on food, lifestyle change, etc.
However - DO NOT let her get in the way of your progress. 18 pounds is a month is off the charts. You are doing this for you and no one else.19 -
ugh. Mothers. My mom was like that, too.
She's gone now, but it never changed, even when I was in my forties.
She's gonna do what she does. I agree that the best thing is to ignore her, don't get into an argument about it - but say, "Mom. I'm doing this my way, you're entitled to an opinion, I don't have to agree."7 -
Moms are like that, we worry, we nag...we are wrong sometimes too! No point fighting with her, just show her. You take care of yourself, mom will see the changes soon enough! xo5
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My mom told me I was neglecting my family by going to the gym. My kid is 15....he's self sufficient and doesn't need mommy!!! LOL13
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Ugh. I'm so sorry. Family really has a way of making healthy changes harder than necessary sometimes. Ditto what everyone else has already said. Stay consistent and strong. I wouldn't bother explaining to her the math of calories anymore since she's not listening.1
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I would tell her that I love her and it would be really wonderful if she stopped the negativity even if she can't give you loving encouragement.
Tell her you researched how to lose effectively and healthfully and you're doing your best.
You are doing beautifully! You will be one of the ones who accomplish what you set out to do.
Remember, this behavior is not about you, but about her own issues.4 -
Thanks everyone
I'll try not to let it bother me. Happily, she doesn't live with me, so I don't have to hear her opinions too often. I am really glad that I have my food scale though-- it's a lot easier not to be bothered when I know for a fact that I'm logging accurately and according to plan.
On the brighter note, today I was able to fit into a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear since spring!50 -
She just doesn't understand.
Show her that your methods work by sticking firmly with them and the weight loss will be the victory.6 -
Congratulations to you. Sounds like you get it.
I don't know why some people have to be like that, but there is a lot of misinformation out there. Even people with good intentions can give bad advice.3 -
Oh! Well, if she doesn't live with you she's lots easier to ignore.
Congrats on the pants!4 -
I've been there, and it is frustrating, but my advice is similar to what everyone else has said - there is no point engaging with her. Just keep on doing what you're doing. It's possible she's doing this out of ignorance, and truly believes you can't lose weight if you're not torturing yourself with a very restrictive diet. If she's genuinely supportive, she may someday say she doesn't know how you did it, but she's glad you did.
On the other hand, if your success is threatening her self-image in some way, she may try to undermine your efforts. If that occurs, you may need to put a little emotional distance between the two of you, and find your support elsewhere. (MFP is a great place for that!)
Hopefully she's just demonstrating ignorance and insensitivity, and your success will overcome both. (And 18 pounds in one month is wildly successful!)4 -
Firstly, great job on the weight loss! Good for you and keep up what you're doing.
Secondly, I'm curious if you're mom too, is overweight. I have a mother that is very clingy, odd, jealous and competitive on certain things (i.e. she knows something before I do, I put on a sweater and she puts on a sweater, I order a meal and she orders the same). I'm just wondering if maybe she is noticing that things are working for you and she's having her own issues because you're doing it on your own. She's not helping and not an influence in your journey and that might bother her. Plus, "if" she is overweight, she's jealous because of your weight loss.
I'm not Dr. Phil, I'm just wondering the dynamic that you and your mother have.
AGAIN!!! You're doing awesome!!!!!7 -
@LenGray Your doing great.. keep it up! No matter what anybody says!1
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Congrats on your success. I have a mother like yours. It is frustrating but imho the best thing you can do is continue to set the example of success, reach your goals and ignore all the negative outside noise. I am doing the same. I am a holistic health coach and all of my clients go through this to some extent. Its not easy but you have to use the bad and make it work for your good. Continue to be the success you are. God bless!2
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I'm curious if you're mom too, is overweight. I have a mother that is very clingy, odd, jealous and competitive on certain things (i.e. she knows something before I do, I put on a sweater and she puts on a sweater, I order a meal and she orders the same). I'm just wondering if maybe she is noticing that things are working for you and she's having her own issues because you're doing it on your own. She's not helping and not an influence in your journey and that might bother her. Plus, "if" she is overweight, she's jealous because of your weight loss.
Yeah, she's overweight, as well. She's always been pretty competitive as to which one of us is prettier, which I don't really get, but I always wrote that off because she's a certified narcissist. It was getting so bad that she even got a tummy tuck+ boob job because I had a 'better' figure than she did. It's gotten better in the past few years, so I'd hoped we'd moved past this by now.
I'm still bigger than her so I guess the main thing I'm wondering is why would she be concerned enough to react negatively at this point?
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Just because you have educated yourself and learnt how to lose weight in a healthy and life changing way, doesn't mean your mum is going to get it. Guarantee she believes in yoyo fad diets and I also bet she's not exactly on the normal bmi range either? Don't let her jealousy at you bettering yourself get you down babe, you're the smart one! My mum does the same to a point, she doesn't make any snide remarks she is very supportive BUT she still seems to think it was a "diet" and gets funny if I don't want to eat her cake or anything. Keep it up, you're smashing it xxxxx1
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You are doing AWESOME! I have to admit, I gave a sigh of relief when I read that you don't live with her. I'm not trying to put down your mother, but I imagine it would be extremely difficult to live around those kind of comments all day long. To be honest, I wonder if she's a little on the controlling side based on that behavior and the fact that she's attending and speaking for you at your doctor appointments (unless there's a reason you wanted her there with you).
I think the best thing to do is keep doing what you're doing. Do your best to let her comments slide off your back. "Mother knows best" goes a little too far sometimes. She'll see in time that you know what you're doing, and at that point maybe she'll be more open to your educational efforts.
Oh, and doesn't it feel GREAT fitting into a smaller pair of jeans?
Edited to add: While I was writing this post I see you updated that she has a narcissism issue (which makes sense). That must be a great burden on you, and I'm sorry
You keep doing you and don't give up- you are a rockstar.5 -
It sounds like you're doing wonderfully. I would just ignore the comments. As long as you know you are within your limits it really doesn't matter what she says. I know it's hard especially when it is your mom.
Plus, you say she is also overweight. It could just be some subconscious jealousy that you're taking your life into your own hands and making changes. Unfortunately, along this journey not everyone will be supportive. If as you say she has had issues with you being "prettier" or better looking in the past I would just assume is jealousy. She may not consider you smaller than her now but she recognizes that you are making changes and if she doesn't you will be smaller than her soon.
Seriously do your best to ignore it.
I'm going to send you a friend request. I'll be your cheerleader!4 -
I'm curious if you're mom too, is overweight. I have a mother that is very clingy, odd, jealous and competitive on certain things (i.e. she knows something before I do, I put on a sweater and she puts on a sweater, I order a meal and she orders the same). I'm just wondering if maybe she is noticing that things are working for you and she's having her own issues because you're doing it on your own. She's not helping and not an influence in your journey and that might bother her. Plus, "if" she is overweight, she's jealous because of your weight loss.
Yeah, she's overweight, as well. She's always been pretty competitive as to which one of us is prettier, which I don't really get, but I always wrote that off because she's a certified narcissist. It was getting so bad that she even got a tummy tuck+ boob job because I had a 'better' figure than she did. It's gotten better in the past few years, so I'd hoped we'd moved past this by now.
I'm still bigger than her so I guess the main thing I'm wondering is why would she be concerned enough to react negatively at this point?
...answered your own question, there.
That's a pretty unhealthy relationship. My mother was pretty bad, too. I put lots of distance between us and learned to not react to her particular brand of crazy, because it always ended badly. Just don't engage.
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Well, your mom seems to have issues.
Maybe she is a controlling/toxic person, she has issues with her own weight/food/parenting and feels threatened/judged somehow or she just doesn't understand weight loss at all.
Sounds like you know what to do and are doing great.1 -
I'm going to send you a friend request. I'll be your cheerleader!
Thanks! I love having new friendscmriverside wrote: »
...answered your own question, there.
That's a pretty unhealthy relationship. My mother was pretty bad, too. I put lots of distance between us and learned to not react to her particular brand of crazy, because it always ended badly. Just don't engage.
Yeah. I keep trying to steer our relationship into healthy territory, but it never seems to quite make it there. Emotionally, there's distance (it's too hard otherwise) but right now my dad and I are all she has, so we're letting her stay at our place occasionally while she's going out and about.
My dad has already put his foot down about her saying outright negative things about/to me while she's at our house, but my mom still seems to believe that we're in some weird competition with each other. Looks like I'll just have to add her comments about my weight loss to the 'Ignore' section of my brain.
Thanks everyone, for the support and the advice. It's really appreciated.
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Oh, and doesn't it feel GREAT fitting into a smaller pair of jeans?
Edited to add: While I was writing this post I see you updated that she has a narcissism issue (which makes sense). That must be a great burden on you, and I'm sorry
You keep doing you and don't give up- you are a rockstar.
It really does! I've been dancing around all morning in them because it feels so great. They're my favorite pair of pants, so that makes it even better lol
Thanks for the encouragement and the sympathy. It means a lot. Happily, I have my dad, who is a wonderful human being that loves and supports me, no matter what.
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Hey,my husbands whole family snickered about my food scale and food weighing. Well 50 pounds lost, no ones snickering now! Use that scale! As for your mom, my mom was very mean at times too. Develope a thick skin and don't let it hurt you. We are all here for you in this community! Carry on.5
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My grown daughters pointed out to me each and every time I made a comment that I thought was funny teasing or helpful advice, that it was actually hurtful and unhelpful. I'm embarrassed how long it took me to really get it, but I did. Can you try to gently retrain your mom? Make it lighthearted like "H & U again Mom!".2
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I'd put money on a big part of her problem with your weight loss being the fact that you're achieving all of this without her. She's probably quite put out by this and trying to find ways of reasserting control.
Keep on doing what you're doing and nod and smile, nod and smile.
The only indication in my diary that I'm "on a diet" is the overall calories in vs calories out. Even a lot of women my age (OK, probably not that much younger than your mum) have yet to get their heads around that concept and the food industry isn't going to let us give up too quickly on the notion of steamed fish & salad for dinner and diet chocolate mousse or similar junk crammed into every snack break.0 -
honestly if it were me I would just tell her " loo.Im going to do this MY way and do whats best for me,if it doesnt work so be it ,but otherwise if you cant support me then I dont want to hear any of your rude remarks about how /what I eat. my mother is the same way but not about weight(she is smaller than I am too). she would tell me how to raise my kids,and I told her they are my kids and I will not raise them how you raised us(another story for another time). Im in my own home and will do what I want and if she doesnt like it oh well.
I had to cut mine out of my life for always putting me down,and treating my kids bad. what I am saying is you do you, you've come this far and you can keep going. prove to her she is wrong and you can do this,she may still have snide remarks even once you prove her wrong,but at least you will feel good and will have accomplished your goals.2 -
I'm curious if you're mom too, is overweight. I have a mother that is very clingy, odd, jealous and competitive on certain things (i.e. she knows something before I do, I put on a sweater and she puts on a sweater, I order a meal and she orders the same). I'm just wondering if maybe she is noticing that things are working for you and she's having her own issues because you're doing it on your own. She's not helping and not an influence in your journey and that might bother her. Plus, "if" she is overweight, she's jealous because of your weight loss.
Yeah, she's overweight, as well. She's always been pretty competitive as to which one of us is prettier, which I don't really get, but I always wrote that off because she's a certified narcissist. It was getting so bad that she even got a tummy tuck+ boob job because I had a 'better' figure than she did. It's gotten better in the past few years, so I'd hoped we'd moved past this by now.
I'm still bigger than her so I guess the main thing I'm wondering is why would she be concerned enough to react negatively at this point?
The only thing I can say to you is that some people are just wired to be negative. The sky is never blue, the weather is never perfect, the leaves are never beautiful.....
I totally empathize what you're going through. As hard as it may be, just close your ears when the negativity spews!1 -
I'm very lucky, my mom has been very supportive. That being said, when I started this journey I made sure to tell her not to make disparaging comments about what I was doing or what I was eating. I told her that was not going to help me or my motivation as those are my choices to make. It hasn't been an issue thankfully but we all need the space to make our decisions for our own weight loss. I've only had a few lapses in judgement and those were minor but I keep the option of eating something that is not particularly good for me if the need arises to keep my sanity.
I panicked myself early on in this process by looking at my 2 year journey and telling myself I wasn't going to be able to eat my favorite foods for at least 2 years. I quickly realized how damaging that was to my motivation and made a deal with myself that I could eat anything I want if the need arises and will then take care of the issues without beating myself up or going to the "what the heck" place. I have lost 124 lbs in just over 9 months. I think my mental attitude has attributed to feeling good about myself and to keep myself motivated.
If you have the kind of relationship with your mother that you can discuss the situation calmly, it may be beneficial for her to understand how to better help you to help yourself.
I hope this helps and I applaud your commitment and I think you are doing wonderful. Don't let anyone derail your progress.3
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