My mom is acting weird about my weightloss
Replies
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I'm curious if you're mom too, is overweight. I have a mother that is very clingy, odd, jealous and competitive on certain things (i.e. she knows something before I do, I put on a sweater and she puts on a sweater, I order a meal and she orders the same). I'm just wondering if maybe she is noticing that things are working for you and she's having her own issues because you're doing it on your own. She's not helping and not an influence in your journey and that might bother her. Plus, "if" she is overweight, she's jealous because of your weight loss.
Yeah, she's overweight, as well. She's always been pretty competitive as to which one of us is prettier, which I don't really get, but I always wrote that off because she's a certified narcissist. It was getting so bad that she even got a tummy tuck+ boob job because I had a 'better' figure than she did. It's gotten better in the past few years, so I'd hoped we'd moved past this by now.
I'm still bigger than her so I guess the main thing I'm wondering is why would she be concerned enough to react negatively at this point?
She just wants to make sure you stay bigger than you. You are doing great and you will get there. Just try to ignore her negativity (I know easier said than done) MFP is a great place for support.3 -
That's too bad she can't be supportive of you. Just ignore it, keep doing your thing, and prove her wrong
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Ignore her.
She is just John Snow.2 -
Wow, that is horrible. I'm a mom and I'm trying to figure out how she can do this to her own child.
Be strong! You're awesome! Ignore your mom and her toxicity!! 0 -
My friend was like that before...We are not friends anymore. I dont see a point in being friends with someone who is not on board with what im doing to better myself. You will get past it, and she will get used to the new you 1
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Oh man... I'd tell her if she cannot be supportive, then dont say anything at all about what you eat or anything about weight loss. Yes, I have said this to my own mother. It was after she ignored the hints like "well that wasnt very nice."
You are doing great, dont let her or anyones negativity make you stop!!1 -
Do not engage and try to ignore it. All throughout my life, my mom always called me fat and would call out all of the food I ate. I never weighed more than 115 pounds living under her roof and I am very curvy! I have a big booty, so there really is only so low I can go! I always thought I was fat and it led to eating disorders galore! I would be eating 500 calories a day and drop 10 pounds and guess what, I was still fat in her eyes. It took me a really long time to get over it, even after leaving the house. Looking back on the relationship, the bullying probably had nothing to do with my weight, but several other things going on in her life. You are doing a great job! You have already lost 18 pounds! Who cares what your mom says. Find the happiness within yourself. Learn to please yourself and not try to please your mom. Some people won't change, but you have the ability to change yourself. Stick with it. You are awesome! We believe in you!2
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I'm making a ton of assumptions based on very little information, but reading between the lines I'm sensing that you have tremendous inner strength (whether you know it or not) that you had to build, grow, and call upon constantly growing up with a mother who has several challenges of her own (maybe due to her childhood?). I'm not worried about you. You'll use that strength to reach your goal (whatever it may be). You may stumble along the way, but isn't that the best way to learn? You're going to be a success.
I don't think you'll be able to move to a healthier relationship with your mom unless she gets her own help first, and only she can make that decision. Then you two can work on your relationship stuff together. It doesn't work when just one of you wants to change. You do you - you're amazing!3 -
Tell her to got screw herself.
Alternatively, look her up and down and comment, "Yes, it's clearly a demonstrable you have a healthier lifestyle than I do."0 -
Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with this just the misguided trying to open the door to cheating by offering excuses.
I did however, have a coworker argue about how many calories were in my meal. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that low calorie doesn't have to equal tiny portions if you eat the right foods fixed the right way. After I explained to him exactly what was on my plate, he was stumped and trying to think of an argument. That is when another coworker spoke up and said "and obviously it works and yes, he eats like that every meal." Game, set, match, lol.
Just keep doing what you are doing because it is working and those 18 pounds and counting are the trump card to prove it.0 -
Could it be possible that Mom had an overly critical upbringing which is causing her to be overly critical and even competitive with you? Sometimes people just don't know any better but other times they can be just mean. In either case, I would say try very hard to ignore her comments and keep working on greatness!0
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A lot of people have unresolved issues around weight and food. Some of them project their insecurities on other dieters.
If you succeed where she failed, what does that say about her?
Your mom may perceive you as a rival.
In your situation I would not want to eat in front of her. I understand you may not have that luxury.
The second thing to try is to ask her to keep her food related comments to herself.
Finally the next time she suggests you are a failure, credit her fine parenting skills. Then go and succeed on your own.1 -
Just wait until you are obviously smaller than she is. Be prepared for a blowout.
My mom was like that about my breastfeeding my children. I nursed, and she was always critical about it. I couldn't see why she couldn't support my choices, but now I think that she saw it as my being critical of her by making different choices than she did.
I had to just limit the time I spent with her, which was a shame, since seeing less of me meant that she saw less of her grandchildren.
Maybe it would be a good idea to just not hang out so much for a while. If she asks why, just be honest. You need her support, not a critical spirit.0 -
So, I've been on MFP for about a month. I got on here because my doctor had told me that I would have some serious health issues down the line unless I got my weight under control. My mom was with me and agreed whole-heartedly with the doc, even including that I'd been overweight my whole life (not true) and that she'd tried to encourage me to lose weight (kind of true)
I've lost 18 lbs so far and I'm staying on track really well. But, now my mom keeps making snide remarks about it?
Like, the other night, I had a pretty carb-heavy dinner. I wasn't worried about it because I'd had a protein-heavy lunch and breakfast but she said I wasn't serious about losing weight if I ate carbs.
When I bought my food scale, she laughed at me and told me that it wouldn't help. According to her, 'dieting is about eating less and moving more, not math!' and she told me that I'd give up on using it before too long.
Then, last night, I was really hungry because I've had an additional 100 calorie deficit for the past few days (just didn't feel hungry) so I treated myself to an extra eggroll and a Yoplait chocolate mousse. She looks at me and says, "You ate all that Chinese food and now you're having chocolate? Hmph, guess it didn't take you long to fall off of the wagon," and then just smirked at me the whole time I was having dessert.
I keep explaining to her that I'm within my calorie limits, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going to let her comments stop me from losing weight, but I'm just not sure why she was all gung-ho about it at the beginning and now she's sniping at me for silly things. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Is your mother aware of the 18 lbs lost? Might be a good idea to update her every time you lose a few more, or if you lose inches or go down in clothing sizes. Let her be aware of the positives, even if she's commenting on what she thinks are negatives.
As you don't live with her, why does she need to know so much about your meals and snacks? You're still young and its good to have a mother to relate to, but there needs to be a bit more distance between you two.
Congratulations on your progress so far. Keep it up.0 -
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Keep doing what you are doing. One of the things that may be happening is a form of jealousy and feeling threatened.
My mum always felt she knew better even when I was under a dietician regime when I was 12. Needless to say that I did not loose as much as expected then. This time though I did not tell her anything until she noticed and tentatively started asking questions. The led too the whole diet, new, bro-science being fired at me (very tiring) and me holding my ground saying; Mum this works for me thank you very much, end of story.
She even signed up to MFP for two days, but it was not working for her, which knowing her is not unexpected. However she did note my progress and her further increase.
In the end between herself (mainly), my dad (gotta love that guy) and me she got round to the idea of needing to loose weight. I then told her to go to a dietician and not to follow some bro-science - how can I sell as many books as possible - 'diets'. My dad supported that 100% and she did. She went to the GP got a medical referral and now is loosing too. In the end her jealousy and feeling threatened changed to curiosity and a feeling of I want that too.
That took two whole years, but now we are past the snide remarks and in sync2 -
My mum use to be like that. Then i lost 50 kilos and now she never says anything. My mum is stillvery overweight and i try to offer my support and i never say anything about shes eating or about her weight.
Keep doing what your doing! It's obviously working. Tell her you don't appreciate her comments and if you want her advice you will ask!1 -
So, I've been on MFP for about a month. I got on here because my doctor had told me that I would have some serious health issues down the line unless I got my weight under control. My mom was with me and agreed whole-heartedly with the doc, even including that I'd been overweight my whole life (not true) and that she'd tried to encourage me to lose weight (kind of true)
I've lost 18 lbs so far and I'm staying on track really well. But, now my mom keeps making snide remarks about it?
Like, the other night, I had a pretty carb-heavy dinner. I wasn't worried about it because I'd had a protein-heavy lunch and breakfast but she said I wasn't serious about losing weight if I ate carbs.
When I bought my food scale, she laughed at me and told me that it wouldn't help. According to her, 'dieting is about eating less and moving more, not math!' and she told me that I'd give up on using it before too long.
Then, last night, I was really hungry because I've had an additional 100 calorie deficit for the past few days (just didn't feel hungry) so I treated myself to an extra eggroll and a Yoplait chocolate mousse. She looks at me and says, "You ate all that Chinese food and now you're having chocolate? Hmph, guess it didn't take you long to fall off of the wagon," and then just smirked at me the whole time I was having dessert.
I keep explaining to her that I'm within my calorie limits, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going to let her comments stop me from losing weight, but I'm just not sure why she was all gung-ho about it at the beginning and now she's sniping at me for silly things. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Say
"Shut up Mother"
And ignore her
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Sounds like jealousy, pure and simple to me. You're getting on with doing what you need to do to become healthy and she's not/won't/can't. You're working hard to lose weight, you're being successful and she's not, because she can't be bothered to deal with her own issues and it's easier for her to be disparaging about your new lifestyle.
The fact that she had surgery as your body was better than hers speaks volumes.
Ignore her. I know its hard when she's your mother, but parents are not always right, and do not have the right to criticise their children just because they think that they are right. Just as you have the right to ignore anything she says. You also have the right to tell her that, in your opinion, she is wrong and to back off. It may make things a little awkward but she'll get over it. Sometimes you just have to nip these things in the bud before they get out of hand.
But, you know that she's wrong. Your way is working, so just ignore her, don't give her the opportunity to comment (this is a form of sabotage) and carry on with what you're doing. You're doing a fantastic job, so well done you!
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It's great that you don't live with her given the situation. Sounds like you are doing wonderful. You are losing weight without depriving yourself and that is the key to long term change. You have to be able to live it.
I would suggest not meeting her for meals until she can be more supportive. Go for coffee, a walk, or a movie.
My grandmother firmly believed the only way to lose weight is being hungry. This would have been a hard thing for her to accept too. We always knew she loved us, but she was outspoken and very direct in her opinions. I always respected her honesty and directness but learned to keep things to myself until I knew she would be onboard.0 -
Great Responses here! Always wonderfully supportive people on MFP.
I know 1st hand what that's like. Once I accepted that Mothers aren't all loving and supportive and some are down right biotches, then it helped. We wouldn't friend them but we are stuck with them. You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance. I've gained a Mother in Law who us loving and supportive so I'm very lucky.
Fast forward, Im a mother now to a 14 yr old Daughter who is overweight. She was diagnosed with PCOS a little over a year ago. To be honest, I may have fallen into those bad habits of being unsupportive due to my upbringing but I joined MFP 6 years ago and have come to understand what a healthy lifestyle is really like. Basically it's not perfect at all. There are ups and downs forever. One take away I've learned is that each individual person needs to be ready ON THEIR OWN TIME. Period. We can't force a person into healthy choices nor should we question them. This is the approach I took with my daughter. I knew that she needed to be ready on her own time. So, all I did was lead my own healthy lifestyle in front of her. Workout (I do Jillian Michaels DVDS at home), cook healthy meals, and log iny food journal. We'll guess what? Over the summer she became ready on her own time! She joined tennis, asked me to get her a gym pass, and 2 days ago weighed in 10 lbs lighter at the Dr's office! It's a great thing.
My point is you are doing fantastic. This is your body and your life. Your Mother is out of touch with reality and that's her problem. Not your burden. Don't be afraid to stand up to her like we would a bully. I've tried it in the past and it works! I would love to be your friend if you are willing.
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cerise_noir wrote: »Ignore her.
She is just John Snow.
The broad St pump guy?0 -
When I started watching my portion sizes, my boyfriend who I live with said that it was unhealthy to not eat that way and just eat till your full. He is very skinny naturally and I shut that down right away. I looked him in the eye and said I don't comment about your eating habits please don't comment on mine. Just be straight up.2
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Do not engage and try to ignore it. All throughout my life, my mom always called me fat and would call out all of the food I ate. I never weighed more than 115 pounds living under her roof and I am very curvy! I have a big booty, so there really is only so low I can go! I always thought I was fat and it led to eating disorders galore! I would be eating 500 calories a day and drop 10 pounds and guess what, I was still fat in her eyes. It took me a really long time to get over it, even after leaving the house. Looking back on the relationship, the bullying probably had nothing to do with my weight, but several other things going on in her life. You are doing a great job! You have already lost 18 pounds! Who cares what your mom says. Find the happiness within yourself. Learn to please yourself and not try to please your mom. Some people won't change, but you have the ability to change yourself. Stick with it. You are awesome! We believe in you!
Along time ago in the 80's, when I was an RA in college, I had a resident who was bulimic. She ran miles and miles every day. She was so smart, a lovely human being and a beautiful woman. I couldn't understand why she treated herself like that. Then I met her mother. Her mom constantly belittled and denigrated her and talked about how much my resident embarrassed her because she was so fat and ugly and unaccomplished. We got her into counseling, but you can't undo years of abuse with a few months of support, love and affirmation.
One day, when she was throwing up, she ruptured her esophagus. Apparently her heart was already weakened because of the eating disorder and excess exercise. She went into coronary arrest and died.
I think the worst thing was at the funeral, I met my resident's younger sister. She was more of a skeleton than her older sister.
You do you. Don't let mommy dearest deter you. It may be your weight loss, but her treatment of you is her loss of relationship. I'm really sorry for both of you on that front. And really proud of you for staying the course!4
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