How to deal with judgement?
Thatonechickoverthere
Posts: 100 Member
I lost 50lbs over the past year and most people have been supportive and happy for me but there is someone in my family who still asks if I'm still dieting and exercising, especially on my cheat days like he'll see me eating something bad and ask. This person is skinny and eats whatever they want so it just feels hypocritical. Like I'll never be good enough no matter how much weight I lose because I still look fat currently. I'm doing this for myself but now it feels like I'm doing it for this person's approval because it's like he's keeping tabs.
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Replies
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What is something bad? I don't buy into that cheat day bad food business. It's just food
Tell them it fits into your daily target, that you planned for it
Or you can just laugh or not answer, end the conversation
Keep going and don't mind them10 -
Only worry about what you think not this other person i know that's hard sometimes but you are doing this for you.
People who can eat anything and not gain will never understand how hard it can be to change the habits of a lifetime.
Well done on your loss so far and keep up the good work.5 -
This is one of the worst parts of losing weight, I think. It isn't something you can do privately...At some point, people will notice and start kind of inserting themselves into your process.
What has helped me most through my past few months, for my life in general, is telling myself as often as I can that the only person I'm doing this for is ME. And no else can tell me what to do with my body. Personally, I plan for Starbucks or a soda here and there because I know I can't just cut it out or I'll be miserable; that's MY choice.
You do you, boo. It's hard when others feel like they have a say in your journey. Find support and love. Congratulations on your loss! Keep reminding yourself that it's all for you
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marykt2016 wrote: »This is one of the worst parts of losing weight, I think. It isn't something you can do privately...At some point, people will notice and start kind of inserting themselves into your process.
What has helped me most through my past few months, for my life in general, is telling myself as often as I can that the only person I'm doing this for is ME. And no else can tell me what to do with my body. Personally, I plan for Starbucks or a soda here and there because I know I can't just cut it out or I'll be miserable; that's MY choice.
You do you, boo. It's hard when others feel like they have a say in your journey. Find support and love. Congratulations on your loss! Keep reminding yourself that it's all for you
Yes exactly! I can't cut it all out or else I'd be miserable too. I need to eat sweets once in a while. I know what I'm doing in regards to my eating habits, it's like that person thinks I don't which is silly. Thanks for your advice.3 -
tiffanymariearpaio wrote: »I lost 50lbs over the past year and most people have been supportive and happy for me but there is someone in my family who still asks if I'm still dieting and exercising, especially on my cheat days like he'll see me eating something bad and ask. This person is skinny and eats whatever they want so it just feels hypocritical. Like I'll never be good enough no matter how much weight I lose because I still look fat currently. I'm doing this for myself but now it feels like I'm doing it for this person's approval because it's like he's keeping tabs.
You could handle it by cheerfully but meticulously explaining your weight loss goals and diet plan and progress. You could talk exhaustively about setting calorie goals, logging and weighing food every day. You could be boring, annoying and answer fully with everything you have eaten and what exercise you did this week. You could end with asking what they ate today and are they exercising regularly and why they made those choices. Feel free to question and scrutinize their body and life.
Or
You could say "yes, I'm doing very well" and change the subject.
Your value as a human being is not a number on the scale or a clothing size. If the person doesn't think you are good enough based on your appearance realize that they are messed up. You will still be you no matter your weight.6 -
Is it possible that this person honestly cares/is interested about your progress and isn't even noticing you are eating "bad" food?3
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When I started this journey I didn't have much weight to lose. I don't have a success story to share. I'm not noticeably thinner with clothes on. But like you I feel pushed by others to lose weight.
I've been body shamed by my family most of my life. My sister is much thinner than I am. To the point of being unhealthy. Growing up she always told me how fat I was. Every day she told me I was fat. She moved out first and I had a few years of peace. Now I recently moved out with a family member who is even worse.. I run every day for an hour after work and when I get back from my run exhausted and covered in sweat he says things like "it must suck to work that hard and still be so fat."
After so many years of mental and emotional abuse I don't think I will ever be happy with my body image. I will always believe I'm fat. The relentless bullying has lead to eating disorders and depression.
I know how you feel. There's a lot of us that do. I know how much it hurts to be constantly criticized and made to hate your own body. I'm not sure how to overcome this so I can't help you there..
I recently put up a poster next to the mirror in my room that says "if you wouldn't say it to a friend don't say it to yourself." This helps me from criticizing my own body. Maybe this could help you too?6 -
I just *kitten* about it to my husband then move on. My mom constantly brings up my weight and weightloss. While it tends to be mostly good I get highly irritated by it due to our history especially concerning weight. But it's better to just deal with it and move on unless it's really hostile or rude. Then I just tell them their opinion is unnecessary and they can feel free to not say anything next time.2
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tiffanymariearpaio wrote: »I lost 50lbs over the past year and most people have been supportive and happy for me but there is someone in my family who still asks if I'm still dieting and exercising, especially on my cheat days like he'll see me eating something bad and ask. This person is skinny and eats whatever they want so it just feels hypocritical. Like I'll never be good enough no matter how much weight I lose because I still look fat currently. I'm doing this for myself but now it feels like I'm doing it for this person's approval because it's like he's keeping tabs.
Sorry you are totally projecting and getting mad about what you think someone meant or what you think he thinks. Basically:
Him:Are you still dieting?
You : How dare he question me on a cheat day (even though he can't know that). He must think I'll never be as good as him no matter how much I lose. He's keeping tabs on me!
See how pointless this is? It's all in your head. Life's too short to try and guess what other people are thinking. You can't.3 -
WTG with your loss so far, there will always be people who come across as mean spirited, weather they mean to or not. Just remember they are not perfect, so they may not realize how their comments make you feel unless you tell them. Tell them in a way that you would want to told if you stepped over the line.
I just say "I got this" and if needed because they go on with their unwanted comments I say it 2 more time, slower and in a lower tone.
Try it first time with a smile. after that put on your serious face and look them in the eye. 99% effective.
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Is it possible that this person honestly cares/is interested about your progress and isn't even noticing you are eating "bad" food?
Yes, I had to re read the OP a few times. Is he being a jerk about it? Putting the OP down? Smacking food out of her hands? Did she talk about dieting a lot while doing it, so it's a normal conversation now, rather then 'keeping tabs'?
And for someone who is quite sensitive about her own body, she is pretty quick to be dismissive of his. You never know what is happening that a person keeps secrete- a friend of mine can eat whatever she wants and stays rail thing- because she has issues with her stomach/guts processing foods- you couldn't tell from her every day behavior that she is ill.4 -
Is it possible that this person honestly cares/is interested about your progress and isn't even noticing you are eating "bad" food?
Yes, I had to re read the OP a few times. Is he being a jerk about it? Putting the OP down? Smacking food out of her hands? Did she talk about dieting a lot while doing it, so it's a normal conversation now, rather then 'keeping tabs'?
And for someone who is quite sensitive about her own body, she is pretty quick to be dismissive of his. You never know what is happening that a person keeps secrete- a friend of mine can eat whatever she wants and stays rail thing- because she has issues with her stomach/guts processing foods- you couldn't tell from her every day behavior that she is ill.
Exactly.
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There are some people who will ask about your "diet" no matter how many times you tell them this is a lifestyle change, not a diet and as long as it fits into your calories you are fine.
You shouldn't have to justify to anyone but just know you are doing a great job and 50 lbs is a phenomenal amount of weight!
Family member is probably jealous or they just don't have enough of anything going on in their own life to make them happy.0 -
First of all, congratulations on losing 50 pounds. That is something you should be proud of. As for this person, I truly hope they are just asking because they care and are really interested and they are just lacking tact. If they're actually being an *kitten* though, you have middle fingers, right?5
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Stop talking about it, and if someone brings it up, tell them to MYOB and eff off.1
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marykt2016 wrote: »This is one of the worst parts of losing weight, I think. It isn't something you can do privately...At some point, people will notice and start kind of inserting themselves into your process.
What has helped me most through my past few months, for my life in general, is telling myself as often as I can that the only person I'm doing this for is ME. And no else can tell me what to do with my body. Personally, I plan for Starbucks or a soda here and there because I know I can't just cut it out or I'll be miserable; that's MY choice.
You do you, boo. It's hard when others feel like they have a say in your journey. Find support and love. Congratulations on your loss! Keep reminding yourself that it's all for you
^^^ the bolded times 1,000
mostly i think people are well meaning, but it's hard for anyone to be 100% empathetic to the process and to know what to say all the time. and a lot of us are really sensitive about our weights still (maybe always) so it's easy to mis-step around us.
my mom pulls the "are you still on a diet" every single time i put something in my mouth around her. or even if she sees a cookie in my house she'll grill me about it. another friend, while lamenting about how no matter what she does she can't lose weight, told me that with everything i do i should be losing a lot faster. that one flabbergasted me for a minute, maybe longer because she repeated it several times even as i explained to her that i was losing at the rate i planned.
there are those that will say things that are deliberately demeaning and hurtful, and mfp always has threads about friends who ditched people once they lost weight. imho, these are the people who aren't even thinking about you or your process, they are the ones that are only thinking of themselves in relation to you. they used to have something they felt superior about, and as they lose that edge they tend to lash out or distance themselves. when people show you who they are, believe them. losing them will make you feel lighter just like losing the weight does.2 -
"I haven't wanted to bore you with the details, but I factored in for treating myself to [whatever it is you are eating]. I have the calories allotted for it. Thanks for your support!"
If they are well-meaning, they'll take that on its face. If they are being a jerk, they should get the hint.1 -
There is a lot of feedback coming your way but I wanted to add a perspective. I have been in the scenario that you described and in my case, your right! He was "reminding" me not to eat the food that I chose to it. Clearly I am eating it and know the consequences of doing so. I'm not a moron!
He was checking me.
I don't bi*** about how hard it is to stay fit and then hypocritically sit down to gorge myself at dinner. I didn't ask for his input.
He stays trim and I don't. He hasn't earned the right to understand where I'm coming from.
I work my a** off everyday and count calories all freaking day- he doesn't. He smugly says, "are you still on a diet?" I say,"why the f*** do you care?" He shuts up.
If he was "just looking out for me" and being kind *cough BS**then he is pansy enough to forgive me for misreading his intentions.
If he was all up in my business like he wants to be a smart a** then he is smart enough to know he needs to govern himself and not this grown woman.
Do I sound defensive? I am.
Do his words hurt my pride? Yes.
Is he right? No.0 -
I've had that happen many times, I always say the same thing. "I'm not on a diet, this has to be something I can sustain for life. I'm not going to give up (insert food) for the rest of my life, so I make my favourite foods fit into my weight loss and fitness plans"1
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winejunky143 wrote: »When I started this journey I didn't have much weight to lose. I don't have a success story to share. I'm not noticeably thinner with clothes on. But like you I feel pushed by others to lose weight.
I've been body shamed by my family most of my life. My sister is much thinner than I am. To the point of being unhealthy. Growing up she always told me how fat I was. Every day she told me I was fat. She moved out first and I had a few years of peace. Now I recently moved out with a family member who is even worse.. I run every day for an hour after work and when I get back from my run exhausted and covered in sweat he says things like "it must suck to work that hard and still be so fat."
After so many years of mental and emotional abuse I don't think I will ever be happy with my body image. I will always believe I'm fat. The relentless bullying has lead to eating disorders and depression.
I know how you feel. There's a lot of us that do. I know how much it hurts to be constantly criticized and made to hate your own body. I'm not sure how to overcome this so I can't help you there..
I recently put up a poster next to the mirror in my room that says "if you wouldn't say it to a friend don't say it to yourself." This helps me from criticizing my own body. Maybe this could help you too?
Horrible rude and unsupportive, abusive people happen, sometimes they are our family members. I feel your pain. He needs to go, as far away from you as possible.0 -
Wife2MrPerfect wrote: »There is a lot of feedback coming your way but I wanted to add a perspective. I have been in the scenario that you described and in my case, your right! He was "reminding" me not to eat the food that I chose to it. Clearly I am eating it and know the consequences of doing so. I'm not a moron!
He was checking me.
I don't bi*** about how hard it is to stay fit and then hypocritically sit down to gorge myself at dinner. I didn't ask for his input.
He stays trim and I don't. He hasn't earned the right to understand where I'm coming from.
I work my a** off everyday and count calories all freaking day- he doesn't. He smugly says, "are you still on a diet?" I say,"why the f*** do you care?" He shuts up.
If he was "just looking out for me" and being kind *cough BS**then he is pansy enough to forgive me for misreading his intentions.
If he was all up in my business like he wants to be a smart a** then he is smart enough to know he needs to govern himself and not this grown woman.
Do I sound defensive? I am.
Do his words hurt my pride? Yes.
Is he right? No.
Who's he? Just curious.0 -
Older brother...0
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Ever heard of skinny fat? You see a skinny person that lives on beer and chips and candy bars ECT? Their insides are still taking a toll on their health..Fatty liver, diabetic, hardening of the arteries....The same health problems we can get only it don't appear on the outside..I wouldn't let any human judge me... I'm doing this for me...That person may think they are being supportive for you but just going about it wrong..You need encouraged.. Were here for you..50 pound loss is no joke...That's FANTASTIC!!!!! You just keep on doing your thing..Don't let them bring you down.....It's a long process..And a life change..Even dr oz said one thing at a time...If you love icecream add to it some whole fruit....If you like cookies add some whole oats and nuts..So you can cheat yet get some nutrition from it....I understand.0
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You're getting all sorts of advice so I'm here to say nice job!
Ok one piece of advice. Haha
The word "huh" stated in a slightly curious tone with a potential walk away can stop the discussion. Do it repeatedly and it might put a kaibosh on future convos.
Keep up the good work!1
This discussion has been closed.
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