Depression anyone?

Francl27

chocolate_owl wrote: »

inkedShimewaza wrote: »

chocolate_owl wrote: »

I feel selfish and pathetic posting this when others in this thread are clearly going through so much more.

NO NO NO!!!! Don't feel that way! Well ... I can't tell you how to feel, but you get the idea. First, this community and specifically this thread is a support environment. We are all fighting our own battles and we are all supporting each other. So there is no need to feel bad about sharing and there is certainly no use in trivializing your own battle. There is no "I/he/she/they have it worse". Depression is not always a matter of "having it bad" or going through a bad situation. Certainly that can be related when you are talking about situational depression. But when it comes to chronic/clinical depression, not so much. In fact, trying to analyze it like that can make matters worse. Before I really understood chronic depression, I would think to myself "what the f@#$ is wrong with you? You have a good life." Of course, that would make me feel even worse - more worthless and more pathetic. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I'm not a doctor and obviously can't tell you that you need medication. But you definitely sound like you need to see a therapist who can help you figure out the best next steps. You are worth it. Make the investment in yourself!

canadianlbs wrote: »

chocolate_owl wrote: »

She kept telling me the whole weekend how perfect my life was and how I had all these things she doesn't have

yeah no; *kitten* that. it's not about you-versus-her, it's about you and your own life. that wasn't nice of her, it was just selfish and narrow.

Thank you both... I know the bolded, or used to know it at least. I suppose this mindset has always been my struggle, and perhaps my choice of self-flagellation.

Francl27 wrote: »

chocolate_owl wrote: »

I'm coming to terms with the idea of going back into therapy and possibly back on meds. I hate both of those things very, very much, but I'm also barely functioning these days. I've been in a downward spiral for the past couple of months. I can't focus on work. I cry a lot. Husband sat me down the other night and told me he sees that look in my eyes like I just want to not be here anymore, and he worries he's going to walk in and find me dead one day. I couldn't reassure him or tell him he was wrong.

It's been a hard year starting with the deaths of some family members, and in the past couple of months a lot of ugly things that I had pushed deep down inside were dragged back up. I'm exhausted and out of ways to cope. I just spent a weekend with a friend who started teaching at a new school this year, and it's been utterly miserable for her. She kept telling me the whole weekend how perfect my life was and how I had all these things she doesn't have (stable job I don't hate! substantial income! close friends I see regularly! completely amazing husband!), and she's right, and it just makes me feel even worse that I'm such a miserable mess.

I feel selfish and pathetic posting this when others in this thread are clearly going through so much more. But maybe by admitting all this somewhere so public, I'll start taking some steps to take care of myself.

I feel the same way. I have good friends now, my husband loves me, we don't have many money problems and I'm a SAHM with two kids in school, which means that I have a lot of free time - I have it SO MUCH BETTER than probably 95% of the people out there. But I'm still not happy. I still feel worthless most of the time. I mean, I had no friends at all for years and met those amazing people 5 months ago, which I care about so much... but it also made me realize that having friends really didn't fix much of anything... I mean, it's not high school anymore and I can't bother them 10x a day every time I feel down, you know?

So I'm thinking that it's my marriage now... If I could afford it, I'd probably end up moving out and try to live on my own for a while... but I'm not sure it would help either? Maybe I'm just too needy and this is why I'll never be happy, because I'll never get what I need? Who knows.

Still need to find couple therapy for me and my husband though...

From my own experience, there has been no external factor that has made me happy. When I was in a bad relationship, I blamed that relationship. Then I got in a good relationship, and I still had a lot of downs that I blamed on friends, family, switching birth control (I still think this one is legit, 2 weeks until I can *finally* get in to see my gyno). A good relationship hasn't cured me or stopped other crappy things from happening. It makes things easier than they would be otherwise for sure, but no one person or circumstance can cause this or make it go away.

I don't think viewing yourself as "needy" is the right way to think about it. Your needs will never be met if you expect other people to fill all your voids. Getting to a place where you find worth in yourself might, though..? It's good you're looking into therapy for you and your husband, but are you doing anything just for you?

Well maybe couple counseling would help him realize that he's not making me feel appreciated at least.