Off Topic...Thoughts on Marriage, I do or I don't???
kschwab0203
Posts: 610 Member
in Chit-Chat
What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
Suppose you are living like a married couple already. Yall are living under the same roof, paying bills together, raising kids together, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, but one of you doesn't ever want to get married and one of you does.
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
Thoughts???
0
Replies
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united1974 wrote: »Why should not getting married be a deal breaker?
If it is important to one and unimportant to the other..should either person make a choice they are not happy with just to make the other happy or do you find someone who is more in-line with what is important to you?1 -
A friend of mine was in that boat. He wanted to get married, she didn't.
She ended up getting married because it meant that much to her SO.
I think you have to ask yourself how important is the relationship to you - and how far are you willing to go to be with that person. For her, keeping him in her life was more important that her not wanting to get married.8 -
My boss and her husband were similar, except both didn't really care about getting married, but got married anyways because it would make things easier as far as legalities with kids/insurance/etc. Find out why he doesn't want to get married. If it's because he doesn't know if he'll stick around until death do you part, then you can decide what you want to do from there.3
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My boss and her husband were similar, except both didn't really care about getting married, but got married anyways because it would make things easier as far as legalities with kids/insurance/etc. Find out why he doesn't want to get married. If it's because he doesn't know if he'll stick around until death do you part, then you can decide what you want to do from there.
To be honest, I didn't think I wanted to get married again. If fact, I told him that I didn't want to early on in our relationship. Now, I feel differently and I've told him how I feel.
He says that he doesn't feel that marriage is important. It's not going to prove anything, change how he feels about me, etc.0 -
My boss and her husband were similar, except both didn't really care about getting married, but got married anyways because it would make things easier as far as legalities with kids/insurance/etc. Find out why he doesn't want to get married. If it's because he doesn't know if he'll stick around until death do you part, then you can decide what you want to do from there.
She didn't actually say it was him who didn't want to get married. It might be her.
But chances are 99% you're right. It's probably him that doesn't want to get married. And she signed up for it, got kids involved in it, and now she doesn't like the arrangement.
100% right1 -
Legally being married makes things a lot easier, but really, as my husband said, it's just a piece of paper. marriage was always important to me. I'm a bit old fashioned that way. it was less important to him but he understood why it was important to me. we've been married nearly 10 years. it hasn't changed our relationship in any way. he's still a grumpy old *** and i'm still a messy witch.
sit down with him and you can both lay out why it is/isn't important to you. you may each learn something that will add to your views on the subject, or at least help you understand each other's point of view.
hope that helps.2 -
If one person wants to get married and the other doesn't then obviously one person will have to compromise but who wants what more? Do you want to get married more than he wants to be unmarried? Will he absolutely not budge on getting married? I think that's the important question to ask.
I say sit down and ask him why he doesn't want to get married and also ask yourself, why do you truly want to get married?
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If he can't make that commitment and you can't live without it, get out. You shouldn't compromise on that point. You will always resent it and, honestly, if you continue to press him, he will make the decision for you.
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While historically marriage was a religious ceremony with the intent of a lifetime commitment based on family love and the belief in God. Of course like most things over time the government has turned this into what is essentially a business arrangement between both parties. I'm sorry to say the driving force tends to be more about children and other more fiscal and legal reasons. So if children aren't in the future and you are in the financially superior position it isn't really in your interest to do so without a prenuptial agreement. I know there will be detractors but the truth is when you get married you are engaging in a prenuptial anyway. You are just accepting the default one the government operates under. The important difference being that if you accept it, it is out of your control something I never advocate to any person. When people get married they talk about family, god and the future. When they get divorced they talk about only one thing..........Money. If you decide to marry it is best to legally setup the outcome while you are of a similar minds and probably more fair minded than if things go sideways and bitterness ensues. People will say that is negative thinking but a 50% divorce rate isn't thinking the worst, its being realistic. If anything not doing it. is the dumb decision. The truth is marriage benefits the weaker party in a divorce. If you are a saver and your partner is a spender guess who's money they divide up in the end? It won't be his, because he has none, see my point. A benefit of this process.... if you aren't like minded this will be exposed rather obviously, which should assist you tremendously in your decision. Only you know if you should get married but the elephant in the room (that nobody seems to be talking about) you have to be willing to accept if this is the other persons ultimate goal, you may eventually lose them. Don't let this be the sole determining factor in your decision though. As fear is rarely the best way to make the right decision just know it is a possibility. To be honest by the way you phrased the question it sounds like this is the reason you are willing to do it. Again that is your choice because you will have to live with that decision.6
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TheRoadDog wrote: »If he can't make that commitment and you can't live without it, get out. You shouldn't compromise on that point. You will always resent it and, honestly, if you continue to press him, he will make the decision for you.
All really good points!
I truly believe ( based on conversations we have had) that his reason for not wanting to get married is because in his mind if things don't work out later down the line he's free and clear to just walk away. This way of thinking makes me nervous.
I've was married for 15 years. I can see the good and bad in making the choice to get married.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »If one makes north of 200K and the other 1/4th of that, that's really unfortunate for the latter because when the former decides to leave, you will be on the street with zero child support. This is a very precarious set-up for a low income individual.
This is not true. Parents are responsbile for their children whether they are married or not. You can sue for child support regardless of your marital status.3 -
How long have you been living together? Does common-law marriage apply?2
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
You're right. I actually meant to say alimony.Cutaway_Collar wrote: »If one makes north of 200K and the other 1/4th of that, that's really unfortunate for the latter because when the former decides to leave, you will be on the street with zero child support. This is a very precarious set-up for a low income individual.
This is not true. Parents are responsbile for their children whether they are married or not. You can sue for child support regardless of your marital status.
You'd be surprised though, there is such a thing as "common law" marriage and many states will acknowledge it as such. It's more complicated but you can sue for alimony if your "common law marriage" ends. (Depending of course on state laws, income, etc..)0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I am going to be blunt with you, milady. If things don't work out walking away ... that should be before moving in together and raising children together. Not this late in the game.
What is the $ situation like, does he make more money? Are you employed?
He makes just a little bit more than me, but not much more.
We have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together (in my house) two years ago.
We have no children together. He has a 19 year old son who lived with us up until a year ago and I have three children from my marriage...13, 11, and 8.0 -
If it's that important to one person to have it be legal than I can see why it would be a dealbreaker. Personally, I've seen lots of people who live as a married couple with grown kids now and who are happy just the way they are without having it being "official."
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The bottom line for me is that if he really loves you and it's that important for you, I can't really see why he wouldn't do it. Mostly in my case I would really like to be sure that we legally have each other's back if something happens to one of us (accident, unemployment, whatever) - that's what really makes marriage important to me.
I hope you figure it out!3 -
if its not broke dont try a fix it... or you may ruin it in the process of making it perfect.3
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I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.4
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I think it depends on the reasons behind being for or against it.2
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His reason is more important that his answer. Why isn't he interested?
If he was married before and things went badly, then you need to reassure him and the two of you need to put steps in place to keep your marriage strong.3 -
I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.
I think this is the issue for me. The fact that he is so adamant about not wanting to get married without any real reasons other than that he doesn't think it proves anything makes me wonder. That and based on the conversations we've had just makes me feel like he doesn't want that type of commitment. To be legally bound maybe.
It just makes me feel like he's in this relationship until he's ready to move on to something else and has no ties so can just walk away. Not that I want to hold him down at all. It's just his lack of willingness to commit makes me leary.7 -
If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.0 -
His reason is more important that his answer. Why isn't he interested?
If he was married before and things went badly, then you need to reassure him and the two of you need to put steps in place to keep your marriage strong.
He has never been married. He's been a single father for the last 9 years and although he has had "other kinds" of relationships through the years, besides his son's mother, he has only ever been serious with me.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »If one makes north of 200K and the other 1/4th of that, that's really unfortunate for the latter because when the former decides to leave, you will be on the street with zero child support. This is a very precarious set-up for a low income individual.
Depends where you live. In Canada, if you're in this arrangement for 2 years, you're "Common Law" which for all intents and purposes is exactly the same as being married, from a government legality standpoint. You get all the tax benefits and all of the same divorce situations if it comes to that.2 -
My boyfriend says the same thing about how it's a piece of paper and doesn't change his feelings for me but he says if it is important to me to get married then we will. If it's important to one person and not the other that seems like the best solution. Would I still stay with him if we were never going to get married? I don't know. I tend to agree that it doesn't change our relationship but it's just something I want to do. We have been together more than 6 years and it has been hard for me to wait for him to propose, and I can't imagine waiting forever, I feel at some point he'd have to pee or get off the pot. There hasn't been common law marriage in my state since like 1992 so unless we do get married I won't have many of the rights spouses have.0
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
See, now thing changes things up a bit.kschwab0203 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I am going to be blunt with you, milady. If things don't work out walking away ... that should be before moving in together and raising children together. Not this late in the game.
What is the $ situation like, does he make more money? Are you employed?
He makes just a little bit more than me, but not much more.
We have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together (in my house) two years ago.
We have no children together. He has a 19 year old son who lived with us up until a year ago and I have three children from my marriage...13, 11, and 8.
You cannot put a person's name on your house unless you trust them 200%
Besides, the oldest needs to move out asap. And your children are pretty young. I would not rush into this marriage.
You need a financial advisor before you gear yourself for a wedding.
OP, is he on the mortgage?0 -
If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
See, now thing changes things up a bit.kschwab0203 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I am going to be blunt with you, milady. If things don't work out walking away ... that should be before moving in together and raising children together. Not this late in the game.
What is the $ situation like, does he make more money? Are you employed?
He makes just a little bit more than me, but not much more.
We have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together (in my house) two years ago.
We have no children together. He has a 19 year old son who lived with us up until a year ago and I have three children from my marriage...13, 11, and 8.
You cannot put a person's name on your house unless you trust them 200%
Besides, the oldest needs to move out asap. And your children are pretty young. I would not rush into this marriage.
You need a financial advisor before you gear yourself for a wedding.
OP, is he on the mortgage?
I am renting my house. The lease is in my name only.
I also want to be clear that at no point have I been the one to bring up marriage. He has felt the need to bring it up a few times, most recently over the weekend which is when I let him know that I do in fact would like to get married, not tomorrow, but eventually.0 -
Getting married was important for me, but not for my SO. When we met and started living together, he had been divorced for only a year and didn't want to get burned again. At that time, he owned his home and earned about 50% more than me. Fast forward to the Great Recession. He lost his job and his house. With no job, there is no health insurance, and I couldn't put my "boyfriend" on my health insurance because we were not married. He realized then that I was right - there are quite a few legal issues that come up when you are just living together and not married. Our relationship hasn't really changed - it isn't like either one of us just let ourselves go after we got married. But now we have the legal benefits that come with marriage. Take it from someone who works in the HR field - marriage really is more than just a piece of paper.3
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If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.1
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