Off Topic...Thoughts on Marriage, I do or I don't???
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PlaydohPants wrote: »Marriage: Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love each other forever
Kidding...do you have kids together? I think that's a much bigger commitment...
No we do not. He has a 19 year old son who moved out a year ago and I have 3 children from my marriage.0 -
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Yes, he says that he doesn't think it's important and he has nothing to prove to anyone.
To be honest, as someone else pointed out, I don't think I'd be as bothered by it if he hadn't been so adamantly against it. Not that I would change my opinion on the subject, but maybe it would hurt a little less.2 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »His reason is more important that his answer. Why isn't he interested?
If he was married before and things went badly, then you need to reassure him and the two of you need to put steps in place to keep your marriage strong.
He has never been married. He's been a single father for the last 9 years and although he has had "other kinds" of relationships through the years, besides his son's mother, he has only ever been serious with me.
I certainly would not call this a deal breaker. How long have you been living together? The two of you should come up with a list of why this is important to you and why he has reservations.
Marriage isn't about proving anything. Marriage is a public commitment to one another. From a religious perspective its a union of two souls. From a government perspective it is a civil union for legal protection. You two need to determine what marriage means for you though.1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
<<cut becuase irrelevant>>
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
You tell us. That is really all that matters. I've seen marriages end for far less and stay together after much, much, much more.
Your mileage will vary.
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kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
<<cut becuase irrelevant>>
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
You tell us. That is really all that matters. I've seen marriages end for far less and stay together after much, much, much more.
Your mileage will vary.
So true!
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The answer is always no.0
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kschwab0203 wrote: »united1974 wrote: »Why should not getting married be a deal breaker?
If it is important to one and unimportant to the other..should either person make a choice they are not happy with just to make the other happy or do you find someone who is more in-line with what is important to you?
I would say if it's important to one and unimportant to the other, it seems like the one to whom it is unimportant should comprise their apathy and get married.
But, if it's important to both (important for one to be married, important for the other to not be married) that's a different story. In that case it will likely come down to one person having to comprise something that is important to them or decide that it's more important than the relationship itself.1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.
I think this is the issue for me. The fact that he is so adamant about not wanting to get married without any real reasons other than that he doesn't think it proves anything makes me wonder. That and based on the conversations we've had just makes me feel like he doesn't want that type of commitment. To be legally bound maybe.
It just makes me feel like he's in this relationship until he's ready to move on to something else and has no ties so can just walk away. Not that I want to hold him down at all. It's just his lack of willingness to commit makes me leary.
Ok here goes.. don't burn me on stick after I say this.. If you think that him not being willing to marry you is a deal breaker.. I don't think you love him enough.
Beside.. you said you also didn't want marriage.. Would he have gotten involved with you in the beginning if he knew you wanted marriage? Would he have allowed himself to fall in love with you and your family? Would he have gotten serious with you if he knew you wanted to marry again?0 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.
I think this is the issue for me. The fact that he is so adamant about not wanting to get married without any real reasons other than that he doesn't think it proves anything makes me wonder. That and based on the conversations we've had just makes me feel like he doesn't want that type of commitment. To be legally bound maybe.
It just makes me feel like he's in this relationship until he's ready to move on to something else and has no ties so can just walk away. Not that I want to hold him down at all. It's just his lack of willingness to commit makes me leary.
Ok here goes.. don't burn me on stick after I say this.. If you think that him not being willing to marry you is a deal breaker.. I don't think you love him enough.
Beside.. you said you also didn't want marriage.. Would he have gotten involved with you in the beginning if he knew you wanted marriage? Would he have allowed himself to fall in love with you and your family? Would he have gotten serious with you if he knew you wanted to marry again?
I wouldn't want to marry him if I didn't love him enough. When I said I wasn't interested in marriage again, that was at the beginning of our relationship more than 3 years ago. Things change and with that can come a change of heart sometimes.
Also, by stating that he may not have gotten involved with me had he known I might want to get married again, just makes me believe that marriage, whether you believe in it or not, is in fact a deal breaker. It could mean ending a relationship if it is really important to one to get married or it could mean not even getting involved with some one.0 -
What is his parents' relationship like? It could be one of the factors as to why he doesn't want to get married.
Growing up, I had always thought that I would remain single my entire life. My parents had split up before I even knew how to walk. The divorce was final when I was in middle school. They never had plans to reconcile but they were still technically married and my mom kept his name for over a decade....I guess for my benefit? Maybe the stigma of a single mom back in the 70s?
So, meanwhile, my father moved four hours away to a party town...and I saw him date one Barbie doll after another and then some. Women - those whom he called his friends - would have sleepovers. They never lasted long. And some who were around longer were crying over him for one reason it another.
What this taught me?
Well, by the time I got into high school, I had sworn off relationships. I told myself that it was better to be the one leaving than to be the one left behind. I never wanted a commitment and often said I would never get married....
Yet....
This year my husband and I will celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary, 25 years together in total.
But to get here...my husband put up with A LOT of BS from me...
So...even if he is adamant now, it doesn't mean he will feel this way forever.
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Geez. That's long... sorry tldr peeps
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While historically marriage was a religious ceremony with the intent of a lifetime commitment based on family love and the belief in God. Of course like most things over time the government has turned this into what is essentially a business arrangement between both parties.
Umm. Sorry to burst your bubble, but historically, marriage was a business arrangement, at best. Women (really girls) were forced into marriages to men typically much older than them for financial gain on for their families. They had frequently never met their 'intended' and they had no rights whatsoever. Still happening today. Those women in happy, mutually desired relationships were the lucky few. We started romanticizing marriage in the past 200-300 years in the West, far more in the past 100...at worst it was an institutionalized form of human trafficing.
@kscwab...ask him what he wants from the relationship and what he likes/dislikes about the institution. Share your like/disikes. Make a list. You might find your perspectives to be closer than you think.
And for the record...I am married, happily so for over 15 years. But when I was much younger, my parents tried very hard to 'arrange' a marriage for me. I objected to marrying a sociopath and he objected to anyone smarter than him (which meant a lot of people, including me).4 -
happilymegan wrote: »Wouldn't be for me. I'm not religious and I'd rather save the money.
But ultimately you might not be saving any money because of all the problems with insurance and whatnot if you're not married. Plus getting married really isn't expensive if you don't do the huge party thing...0 -
I don't think it's a deal breaker. It's just a ceremony. Marriage is a lovely idea. But if you're already happy.. then what's a bit of paper and a party going to change?1
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Well I'm assuming you knew he never wanted to get married from the beginning? And I can see why he doesn't. Financially marriage ties you together in a complicated way and divorce is really expensive.
And many people commenting on this thread seem to always be posting how their marriage/husband sucks so I'm not sure I'd take their advice anyway., If you have a good and happy relationship why break up over a piece of paper? If it ain't broke....
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You're asking for advice on mfp. Leave now
Gee you sound like a super person!
Thought you might want to check out some of the following threads and let these people know to stop asking for advice or speaking off topic to the site since you appointed yourself MFP police.
The Singles Hangout
Girls Opinion
Why Do Guys Only Want Me For My Kitten
Dr. Pimple Popper
Newly Broken Up
Also, if you have more time once you are done with these, I can certainly get another list for you...there are tons of these kinds of post.1 -
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kschwab0203 wrote: »If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.
This is important to remember and properly discuss. I entered this thread to read through, because I am recently engaged and very torn on how I feel about it all. My SO has always discussed marriage as not terribly important, and certainly not necessary. HOWEVER, I feel that marriage would offer us more protections when it comes time to raise children together, so I wanted to get married. Everything has swapped now, they now want this huge wedding, the budget has doubled, and I'm being presented as "difficult" because I feel like I am now planning someone elses wedding.
So to answer your question, I would have found a resistance to get married a deal breaker (because I want children, and our relationships like ours are trickier in that regard) but now I am wondering if having different views on weddings isnt just as much of an issue.1 -
saragreen012 wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.
This is important to remember and properly discuss. I entered this thread to read through, because I am recently engaged and very torn on how I feel about it all. My SO has always discussed marriage as not terribly important, and certainly not necessary. HOWEVER, I feel that marriage would offer us more protections when it comes time to raise children together, so I wanted to get married. Everything has swapped now, they now want this huge wedding, the budget has doubled, and I'm being presented as "difficult" because I feel like I am now planning someone elses wedding.
So to answer your question, I would have found a resistance to get married a deal breaker (because I want children, and our relationships like ours are trickier in that regard) but now I am wondering if having different views on weddings isnt just as much of an issue.
You know, marriage doesn't really offer more protection for your children. If the father is named on the birth certificate and you break up he has to pay child support either way. All the other stuff that goes into being a father (loving the child/spending time with the child/being there for him/her) is not related to whether you're married or not.
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Marriage is for tax purposes, makes it easier when one becomes ill or dies.. other than that nothing.0
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »saragreen012 wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.
This is important to remember and properly discuss. I entered this thread to read through, because I am recently engaged and very torn on how I feel about it all. My SO has always discussed marriage as not terribly important, and certainly not necessary. HOWEVER, I feel that marriage would offer us more protections when it comes time to raise children together, so I wanted to get married. Everything has swapped now, they now want this huge wedding, the budget has doubled, and I'm being presented as "difficult" because I feel like I am now planning someone elses wedding.
So to answer your question, I would have found a resistance to get married a deal breaker (because I want children, and our relationships like ours are trickier in that regard) but now I am wondering if having different views on weddings isnt just as much of an issue.
You know, marriage doesn't really offer more protection for your children. If the father is named on the birth certificate and you break up he has to pay child support either way. All the other stuff that goes into being a father (loving the child/spending time with the child/being there for him/her) is not related to whether you're married or not.
Yes, but there is still a quite lengthy battle in my state on if same sex partners will be allowed to both be listed on the birth certificate. As it stands the only option aside from marriage is to do a "second parent adoption" which cannot begin until after the child is born. This puts the other half at risk of major legal battles should there be any problems with the parent carrying the child.1 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »saragreen012 wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.
This is important to remember and properly discuss. I entered this thread to read through, because I am recently engaged and very torn on how I feel about it all. My SO has always discussed marriage as not terribly important, and certainly not necessary. HOWEVER, I feel that marriage would offer us more protections when it comes time to raise children together, so I wanted to get married. Everything has swapped now, they now want this huge wedding, the budget has doubled, and I'm being presented as "difficult" because I feel like I am now planning someone elses wedding.
So to answer your question, I would have found a resistance to get married a deal breaker (because I want children, and our relationships like ours are trickier in that regard) but now I am wondering if having different views on weddings isnt just as much of an issue.
You know, marriage doesn't really offer more protection for your children. If the father is named on the birth certificate and you break up he has to pay child support either way. All the other stuff that goes into being a father (loving the child/spending time with the child/being there for him/her) is not related to whether you're married or not.
I think the only thing that makes it a bit difficult if you're not married (or maybe even if you are), is if one spouse doesn't change their last name in order to have it be the same as their children.
There was the odd time after my parents divorced that my mom had a bit of trouble in proving that she was my mother because we have different last names. It wasn't a big deal at all though, mostly just a bit of a nuisance.
Funny you mention this subject as it was one that came up last night....
I chose to keep my married last name because I feel that as long as I am single (not married) then I want to have the same last name as my children. Well, it comes to light that "Mr. I'm Never Getting Married" doesn't want me to have as he calls "another man's name". SMH!
I give up, lol!0 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »saragreen012 wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.
This is important to remember and properly discuss. I entered this thread to read through, because I am recently engaged and very torn on how I feel about it all. My SO has always discussed marriage as not terribly important, and certainly not necessary. HOWEVER, I feel that marriage would offer us more protections when it comes time to raise children together, so I wanted to get married. Everything has swapped now, they now want this huge wedding, the budget has doubled, and I'm being presented as "difficult" because I feel like I am now planning someone elses wedding.
So to answer your question, I would have found a resistance to get married a deal breaker (because I want children, and our relationships like ours are trickier in that regard) but now I am wondering if having different views on weddings isnt just as much of an issue.
You know, marriage doesn't really offer more protection for your children. If the father is named on the birth certificate and you break up he has to pay child support either way. All the other stuff that goes into being a father (loving the child/spending time with the child/being there for him/her) is not related to whether you're married or not.
I think the only thing that makes it a bit difficult if you're not married (or maybe even if you are), is if one spouse doesn't change their last name in order to have it be the same as their children.
There was the odd time after my parents divorced that my mom had a bit of trouble in proving that she was my mother because we have different last names. It wasn't a big deal at all though, mostly just a bit of a nuisance.
Well I don't have the same last name as any of my kids (because divorce). So being married didn't really solve that in the long term. I have never been asked to prove they are mine.
Nowadays a lot of married women don't change their name for professional reasons. I don't think it's an issue any more.0 -
The piece of paper changes everything.0
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Married people walk away from a marriage all the time so getting married doesn't stop him if he decides he wants out.0
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