Off Topic...Thoughts on Marriage, I do or I don't???
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I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.
I think this is the issue for me. The fact that he is so adamant about not wanting to get married without any real reasons other than that he doesn't think it proves anything makes me wonder. That and based on the conversations we've had just makes me feel like he doesn't want that type of commitment. To be legally bound maybe.
It just makes me feel like he's in this relationship until he's ready to move on to something else and has no ties so can just walk away. Not that I want to hold him down at all. It's just his lack of willingness to commit makes me leary.7 -
If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.0 -
His reason is more important that his answer. Why isn't he interested?
If he was married before and things went badly, then you need to reassure him and the two of you need to put steps in place to keep your marriage strong.
He has never been married. He's been a single father for the last 9 years and although he has had "other kinds" of relationships through the years, besides his son's mother, he has only ever been serious with me.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »If one makes north of 200K and the other 1/4th of that, that's really unfortunate for the latter because when the former decides to leave, you will be on the street with zero child support. This is a very precarious set-up for a low income individual.
Depends where you live. In Canada, if you're in this arrangement for 2 years, you're "Common Law" which for all intents and purposes is exactly the same as being married, from a government legality standpoint. You get all the tax benefits and all of the same divorce situations if it comes to that.2 -
My boyfriend says the same thing about how it's a piece of paper and doesn't change his feelings for me but he says if it is important to me to get married then we will. If it's important to one person and not the other that seems like the best solution. Would I still stay with him if we were never going to get married? I don't know. I tend to agree that it doesn't change our relationship but it's just something I want to do. We have been together more than 6 years and it has been hard for me to wait for him to propose, and I can't imagine waiting forever, I feel at some point he'd have to pee or get off the pot. There hasn't been common law marriage in my state since like 1992 so unless we do get married I won't have many of the rights spouses have.0
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
See, now thing changes things up a bit.kschwab0203 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I am going to be blunt with you, milady. If things don't work out walking away ... that should be before moving in together and raising children together. Not this late in the game.
What is the $ situation like, does he make more money? Are you employed?
He makes just a little bit more than me, but not much more.
We have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together (in my house) two years ago.
We have no children together. He has a 19 year old son who lived with us up until a year ago and I have three children from my marriage...13, 11, and 8.
You cannot put a person's name on your house unless you trust them 200%
Besides, the oldest needs to move out asap. And your children are pretty young. I would not rush into this marriage.
You need a financial advisor before you gear yourself for a wedding.
OP, is he on the mortgage?0 -
If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
See, now thing changes things up a bit.kschwab0203 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I am going to be blunt with you, milady. If things don't work out walking away ... that should be before moving in together and raising children together. Not this late in the game.
What is the $ situation like, does he make more money? Are you employed?
He makes just a little bit more than me, but not much more.
We have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together (in my house) two years ago.
We have no children together. He has a 19 year old son who lived with us up until a year ago and I have three children from my marriage...13, 11, and 8.
You cannot put a person's name on your house unless you trust them 200%
Besides, the oldest needs to move out asap. And your children are pretty young. I would not rush into this marriage.
You need a financial advisor before you gear yourself for a wedding.
OP, is he on the mortgage?
I am renting my house. The lease is in my name only.
I also want to be clear that at no point have I been the one to bring up marriage. He has felt the need to bring it up a few times, most recently over the weekend which is when I let him know that I do in fact would like to get married, not tomorrow, but eventually.0 -
Getting married was important for me, but not for my SO. When we met and started living together, he had been divorced for only a year and didn't want to get burned again. At that time, he owned his home and earned about 50% more than me. Fast forward to the Great Recession. He lost his job and his house. With no job, there is no health insurance, and I couldn't put my "boyfriend" on my health insurance because we were not married. He realized then that I was right - there are quite a few legal issues that come up when you are just living together and not married. Our relationship hasn't really changed - it isn't like either one of us just let ourselves go after we got married. But now we have the legal benefits that come with marriage. Take it from someone who works in the HR field - marriage really is more than just a piece of paper.3
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If you're already acting like you're married, then there's no point. That's a conversation to have before you get to that place (kids, house, bills, etc.). Missed the boat on it, in my opinion.
Marriage is traditionally a religious sacrament so if you're not religious, I'm not sure there's a point in having a wedding. A wedding at this point would be a celebration with family and friends for something that happened 5 or 10 years ago. Kind of too late?
And ending the relationship would be senseless if you still love the person. Think of the hurt it would cause the children. What a waste of a relationship that's happy otherwise.
But I do think it's good to talk about why it is and isn't important to you, like another poster recommended.
I don't recall the OP saying anything about a wedding. You don't need a wedding or any "religious sacrament" to get married AT ALL. You could go to city hall and be done. It's not the most romantic but still, religion doesn't have anything to do with getting married (or it doesn't have to unless you want it to)
I would not want a wedding. If it were up to me we'd go to city hall and go out for drinks after.1 -
PlaydohPants wrote: »Marriage: Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love each other forever
Kidding...do you have kids together? I think that's a much bigger commitment...
No we do not. He has a 19 year old son who moved out a year ago and I have 3 children from my marriage.0 -
Yes, he says that he doesn't think it's important and he has nothing to prove to anyone.
To be honest, as someone else pointed out, I don't think I'd be as bothered by it if he hadn't been so adamantly against it. Not that I would change my opinion on the subject, but maybe it would hurt a little less.2 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »His reason is more important that his answer. Why isn't he interested?
If he was married before and things went badly, then you need to reassure him and the two of you need to put steps in place to keep your marriage strong.
He has never been married. He's been a single father for the last 9 years and although he has had "other kinds" of relationships through the years, besides his son's mother, he has only ever been serious with me.
I certainly would not call this a deal breaker. How long have you been living together? The two of you should come up with a list of why this is important to you and why he has reservations.
Marriage isn't about proving anything. Marriage is a public commitment to one another. From a religious perspective its a union of two souls. From a government perspective it is a civil union for legal protection. You two need to determine what marriage means for you though.1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
<<cut becuase irrelevant>>
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
You tell us. That is really all that matters. I've seen marriages end for far less and stay together after much, much, much more.
Your mileage will vary.
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kschwab0203 wrote: »What do you do if you are in a relationship, but not on the same page with marriage?
<<cut becuase irrelevant>>
Is that a deal breaker? Do you end the relationship?
You tell us. That is really all that matters. I've seen marriages end for far less and stay together after much, much, much more.
Your mileage will vary.
So true!
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The answer is always no.0
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kschwab0203 wrote: »united1974 wrote: »Why should not getting married be a deal breaker?
If it is important to one and unimportant to the other..should either person make a choice they are not happy with just to make the other happy or do you find someone who is more in-line with what is important to you?
I would say if it's important to one and unimportant to the other, it seems like the one to whom it is unimportant should comprise their apathy and get married.
But, if it's important to both (important for one to be married, important for the other to not be married) that's a different story. In that case it will likely come down to one person having to comprise something that is important to them or decide that it's more important than the relationship itself.1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I think it just depends on how important it is to each of you and if you can live with/without getting married. Marriage is not a necessity for me, but I think if someone was so staunchly against marriage that they wouldn't even consider it, that mindset would be a concern for me more than not actually getting married.
I think this is the issue for me. The fact that he is so adamant about not wanting to get married without any real reasons other than that he doesn't think it proves anything makes me wonder. That and based on the conversations we've had just makes me feel like he doesn't want that type of commitment. To be legally bound maybe.
It just makes me feel like he's in this relationship until he's ready to move on to something else and has no ties so can just walk away. Not that I want to hold him down at all. It's just his lack of willingness to commit makes me leary.
Ok here goes.. don't burn me on stick after I say this.. If you think that him not being willing to marry you is a deal breaker.. I don't think you love him enough.
Beside.. you said you also didn't want marriage.. Would he have gotten involved with you in the beginning if he knew you wanted marriage? Would he have allowed himself to fall in love with you and your family? Would he have gotten serious with you if he knew you wanted to marry again?0
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