Negative self talk + past of irresponsible 'dieting' + ludicrous expectations = horribly down

courtneyfabulous

I also find that focusing on health and feeling great is a far better goal than focusing on weight loss and getting to a certain number in the scale.

I don't even really have a goal weight in mind, I just want to be at a healthy BMI, lose fat, and have good muscle tone. I want to have good strength and stamina and feel fit & healthy. I want to be as healthy as I can to avoid health conditions in the future. I want to feel confident in how I look.

In the past I thought I wanted to look like a model and just be as thin as humanly possible, but that led to anorexia, being sick all the time, feeling awful, mood swings.... that's not any way to live. My body isn't meant to look like that.

Try to be the best version of yourself but also accept yourself as you are now. It's hard to make progress from a place of hate & desperation.

Proper healthy weight loss takes time. Just accept that. It's annoying but there's really no alternative.

davis978

Hi Liv.

I can really sympathize with you because I have been where you are. I was obese as a child, until I went to college. I decided to be the thin person I had always told myself I could be. I lost 150 pounds (more than half my body weidht) in about 12 months by doing some extremely unhealthy things. I was happy with how I looked but miserable in every other way imaginable, and of course, I could not sustain that body weight long term. I regained about 30 pounds (to 180), and then started gaining and losing about 15 of those pounds over and over again. Here's what eventually I discovered that changed everything for me.

Someone suggested the "eating for the future you" method. Basically, you calculate you TDEE at the weight you would like to be, and then start eating that number of calories today. And every day. For the rest of your life. My issue is that eating well and treating my body well was always something I thought of as temporary. When I went to this system, it was no longer temporary. It was the new plan, for today, the next day, and every day from here on out. I don't know why, but this totally changed my mindset. There was still a finish line in terms of the weight I wanted to be, but it just didn't mean the same thing it used to, because absolutely nothing was going to change once I got there. I didn't have to get to that finish line in order to feel good about myself. The down side of this plan is exactly what you are struggling with - it's slow, especially at you approach your goal. Those last 4 pounds took almost 6 months to lose. But, again, it didn't matter all that much, because I knew exactly what I was going to do to get there, and nothing would change once I did get there. This shift in mindset did everything for me. I can't promise it will work for you, but maybe it's worth a try? There are lots of good TDEE calculators out there - do a google search, use several, and compare the results they give you.

Here are a few other things that really helped me, although none as much as the eating for the future you method.
1. Eat enough protein, which for me is at least 30 grams at every meal, plus some for snacks. This helps me manage physiological hunger. Psychological hunger is another matter.
2. Eat enough fiber. For me that's about 30 grams per day. Same reason as above.
3. Realize that you are going to slip up sometimes. Failure isn't when you slip up, it's when you decide to give up because you slipped up. I really think of this as a "one day at a time" commitment such as in AA. It doesn't matter what I ate last year, or last week, or five minutes ago - I can always make my next choice a good one, and good choices are never wasted, regardless of what happened in the past.
4. Lift heavy. Okay, heavy lifting isn't for everyone. But, I will tell you that when I started lifting, my body really changed, and I found myself much happier at a given weight that I had been before at that same weight. Plus I just felt badass, and that also really helped me feel like I could stick to my food goals. There are lots of good lifting programs out there, some designed for women. I used StrongLifts 5 x 5 because I liked the simplicity, but look into various ones and see if there is one that is right for you. There are also several MFP groups for ladies who lift.

Best of luck. Sending you positive energy. You can do this.

rose313

I have felt the same way as you for a long time. I can relate to a lot of your post. I'm going to use the same advice you were given to teach myself how to approach weight loss differently.

courtneyfabulous

"Failure isn't when you slip up, it's when you decide to give up because you slipped up"

Wow I love that Davis978

LAWoman72

Re: the "slow" thing...I hear you. Right now I am losing what feels like excruciatingly slowly - i.e., some weeks, nothing at all; some weeks, half a pound, and some a quarter pound.

Every so often I'll be surprised by a comparatively big loss, like 1.5 lbs.

I think of it this way: better to lose tiny bits or even maintain than to gain. So what if I remain this weight for the next two or three weeks without a budge? I think of where I was last year, hopeless and in despair at 212 pounds. I literally would have fallen on my knees in gratitude at that time to weigh what I weigh today (low 160s) even though I'm still very overweight now.

So what about slow? You're going in the right direction and on weeks where maybe you don't lose, you're still not actively going in the wrong direction. Live your life right now, at the weight you are right now. Don't look back on these days as days of no life because all you could do was hate yourself for your weight and past mistakes. Today will never come again.

szkodzt

All great advice here!

My tips:
1. If you are not exercising, find something you like and commit to it. It is great not only for the way you feel in your body (ie clothes fit better) but also for your mind.
2. If you are really frustrated, maybe take a small "diet break." This seems to help me when I get frustrated, however, you need to make sure it is only a break, and not a give up!
3. Concentrate on the Non-Scale Victories - these help you to see how far you have come even if the scale isn't showing it. There is a GREAT thread on the Success Board where everyone posts these - very inspiring to read and I keep up with it every day!

ElvenToad

Well I've spent a lifetime morbidly obese so having the process take a long time was really no different than any ordinary day. I've never been at a healthy weight until now so all I've ever known is feeling miserable and uncomfortable with my body. I finally decided to take control of my disordered eating habits and lost 141 pounds over the past 2.5 years. That's a long time to be in weight loss mode!

How did I deal with the slow process? I just knew that giving up wasn't an option and if I wanted the weight off I didn't have a choice. I wanted to lose in a healthy way, didn't want to starve and be miserable not eating the foods I love. I knew that whatever changes I made had to be sustainable or it would all be for nothing. That definitely puts things into perspective!

lorrpb

Livgetfit wrote: »

Hi there! So I don't know quite where to begin but I am really struggling.

I just feel so awful about my body. I am currently about 165lbs. My highest weight was in 2009 where I came in at 213lbs. I am 5'3 so I was pretty much as wide as I was tall. I am very proud of myself for getting here but lately it has been creeping back on and I am so down as a result.

This time last year I put myself on a dangerous, self crafted 'diet' where I hardly ate over 500 calories per day and I finally reached a weight I was happy with; 145lb.

I lost it in such an extreme and ridiculous way that of course it came back on. I was in denial for a while but recently acknowledged how big I have gotten again. I hate to look in the mirror, none of my clothes fit me, I constantly think about nothing but how unattractive I am, I hear my mother telling me to 'never gain that weight again' this time last year over and over in my head and I obsess about my boyfriend being repulsed by me (he's not, he loves me, he is nothing but supportive and this is all me).

I react by wanting to do the same as last year but I know how wrong that is. I know that it will mean this lose-regain-lose-regain cycle will continue. I know how badly I am treating my body. I know how much it affects my mental well-being.

But when I think abut how I lost the weight before in a healthy way, all I seem to focus on is the fact that it took SO long and I never even reached my goal.

My question to those of you who are doing this responsibly is how do you cope with how slow this process it?

If you are someone who family & friends describe as being 'hard on yourself' (I get this constantly), how have/are you overcoming this?

How do you avoid the traps of falling back into negative destructive behaviour?

The reality of this being a long road and one which will be bumpy is clear to me. I know that CICO is the only thing which makes sense. I'd just love help with the motivational/willpower/mental-battle 'Hows' because right now I feel so unhappy and trapped in this cycle....I just want out

Please re-read the boldfaced statements in your post. You have the answers to the questions you asked. These are the things you have to tell yourself in place of the negatives. Print out these statements and other motivational quotes that inspire you. Stick them where you will see them every day. My computer monitor is covered with positive quotes! I have a journal full of them! I read them while I'm watching TV or whatever.

Secondly, read some success stories on this forum, especially those of people who've lost 50 or 100 or 150 or even more pounds. THAT takes a long time, much longer than 20 lbs takes. It has taken me 2 1/2 years of steady losses to get to maintenance. When I thought of how long it was taking meme, I would think about people who had even more to lose and took even longer. It was a long time, but I wanted the changes, I did NOT want to go back to where I started. THAT is what keeps me motivated and following the plan I established.

Before I ever walked in the door of my trainer's studio, I had decided in my mind that I would need to change the way i ate for the rest of life, and I only wanted to make changes I felt would be sustainable. I know I can't go back to my old ways of eating, no matter how much I would like to. I like being pain free and active and happy and energetic much more than the momentary satisfaction of certain eating habits. This is life. You gotta make some choices and you have to live with the ones you make, until you are courageous enough to make new choices.

a45cal

There's a lot of good advice here; I just wanted to add something regarding the negative thoughts and being "hard on yourself".

A technique that a lot of therapists suggest to patients with negative thoughts is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It boils down basically to this: When a negative thought about yourself comes to mind, consciously stop the thought and tell yourself it's not true. Then find something positive to tell yourself instead. The opposite usually works.

For instance, if you find yourself thinking that your boyfriend finds you repulsive. Stop the thought and tell yourself he loves you and thinks you're beautiful.

What you let yourself focus on determines the direction your thoughts will continue to go in. If you practice checking the destructive thoughts when they get started, you'll usually find that it's easier to keep a positive mindset. You might have to do it a lot at first, and it might feel cheesy, but a lot of people have had success being more positive in the long term by doing it.

I hope it helps. Good luck.