What to do when your parent(s) dislike your SO?
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It depends're they right, not to; is the SO problematic or not?4
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I would probably do nothing and just carry on with life.4
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what's their reasoning? i think it all depends on that. if it's something petty, they can kick rocks until they can gtf over it. if their concern is legit... well, maybe you should listen to 'em.2
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Do nothing.
You can't change their attitudes.
It's okay.... if they want to change, they will.
If they don't, they won't.1 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »It depends're they right, not to; is the SO problematic or not?
Amen. My parents hated my son's dad when we first met (and, really, the entire relationship). 10 years and a divorce later, I wish I had listened. Though, I at least got my little dude out of it! Thankfully, they adore my fiance, so I don't have that problem. But I definitely would have listened and at least tried to see if they were right or overreacting if they expressed concerns in the beginning. You live and learn.4 -
Depends. Personally, I cut my mother out of my life due to the treatment of my bf. Sounds a bit harsh, but it was more of a "last straw", as her treatment of me has been terrible through my life. If you have a more reasonable relationship with your parents, it might just take time for them to get used to your SO or they may be right and one day you may see their side and ultimately end the relationship.3
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I'm guessing input from a father of a 25 yo whose SO I disapprove of wouldn't be welcome
I'll show myself out now lol1 -
i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).1
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i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).
She's afraid of letting go.
It's okay, it's a common pathology.
If you love something, set it free.
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i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).
Have you asked what, specifically, is the problem they have?2 -
Not at all. 21 is still very much adult. All I can say really, is that some folks forget their parents are people too, with insights and experience, just like the folks on this board.
My youngest and I are very close - she's smart, tough, hard worker and all around very decent person. He isn't. Long and short of it is that he isn't worthy of her, nor is he open to changing that. If he opened up to talking about it, listening to her mother and I, we might change our minds. No one is perfect, least of all me
Tough call without knowing the people involved much better, but, if the relationship with the parents is good, maybe listen for a bit. There's an outside chance they might be onto something.3 -
I think there's a couple of different ways to look at this situation. First, what are their reasons? Once they tell you, take a step back and evaluate if there is cause for concern based upon these reasons. A mother's intuition is not something to be ignored, so at least listen to what they have to say. If there are no red flags, consider my second point.
Second, I think it's natural for lots of parents to initially scoff at their child's SO. It can be hard to welcome someone new into your family that changes your whole family dynamic (I know this from my own experience with my kids). Parents tend to look at their children through rose-colored glasses and have a hard time accepting that anyone less than perfect is good enough for their child. With my own MIL, she was very unkind and unwelcoming to me for a long time. It was only after many years of her own friends and family telling her how much they liked me and why that she finally came around. She just couldn't let her son go. I came to realize that it was nothing personal. She would have treated anyone this way, because they "took" her son. I've been very careful to not make the same mistakes with my own kids. Unless there's a giant red flag, I bite my tongue and smile. I don't ever want to make my kids or their loves feel the way she made me feel.2 -
Tell them I don't blame them, I don't like him anymore either.2
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his age seems to come up often... i'll be 28 in december and he is going to be 39 a day later.
i haven't actually had the chance to have a civil conversation with her to ask her to explain her reasoning, but i do know age is an issue here (or so she says).1 -
How about you figure out why they don't like them?
Talking about this sort of thing might be enlightening.
There is probably a reason, even if it isn't a rational one.1 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Age is not an issue. Did he make an effort to reach out?
This is tough. I have strong reason to believe that my FIL dislikes me after a couple years of smooth relations. Not everyone is adored by the inlaws.
my brother and sister LOVE him. if my father feels the same as my mother, he doesn't show it. my boyfriend always brings something for my family whenever he comes by, birthday gifts/cards, etc. he has even tried to talk to my mother after this incident and apparently she "doesn't want to talk" yet he still went and got cookies from the bakery and left them on the front step for her.2 -
Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.2
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
That's unfortunate and sad. She has to get with the program. That he is still trying to get her gifts is a good sign and she should just notice it and get over it. 39 isn't old at all.... is he black, latino or something? Lol I just don't get it.Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Age is not an issue. Did he make an effort to reach out?
This is tough. I have strong reason to believe that my FIL dislikes me after a couple years of smooth relations. Not everyone is adored by the inlaws.
my brother and sister LOVE him. if my father feels the same as my mother, he doesn't show it. my boyfriend always brings something for my family whenever he comes by, birthday gifts/cards, etc. he has even tried to talk to my mother after this incident and apparently she "doesn't want to talk" yet he still went and got cookies from the bakery and left them on the front step for her.
no he's not haha he's asian.1 -
Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.
well i'm glad that it's not just me who feels this way... i do need to hear her out, but she is just so irrational it's hard to have a civil conversation with her.1 -
Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?
I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.
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Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.
well i'm glad that it's not just me who feels this way... i do need to hear her out, but she is just so irrational it's hard to have a civil conversation with her.
All you can do is try. And keep trying. He sounds like he is doing everything he can to make the relationship a good one. If you talk to her and there really is no other rational reason for her dislike, I'd just say keep plugging and she will come around (hopefully).2 -
They're not the one dating them, so who cares?1
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chunky_pinup wrote: »They're not the one dating them, so who cares?
of course, but i am really close to my family... especially my mom... so its tough to know she feels that way. this isn't exactly easy on my anxiety.0 -
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kschwab0203 wrote: »Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?
I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.
i think this may be part of the issue because i realized it myself and have tried to keep from blabbing to her about the small stuff ever since.1 -
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kschwab0203 wrote: »Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?
I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.
i think this may be part of the issue because i realized it myself and have tried to keep from blabbing to her about the small stuff ever since.
It's difficult when you are close and want to tell them everything. For me, I had to remind myself that my mother's opinion is ALWAYS going to be biased because she loves me and obviously doesn't want to see me upset.1 -
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