What to do when your parent(s) dislike your SO?

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  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    lalee115 wrote: »
    Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.

    well i'm glad that it's not just me who feels this way... i do need to hear her out, but she is just so irrational it's hard to have a civil conversation with her.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
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    Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?

    I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.

  • lalee115
    lalee115 Posts: 185 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    lalee115 wrote: »
    Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.

    well i'm glad that it's not just me who feels this way... i do need to hear her out, but she is just so irrational it's hard to have a civil conversation with her.

    All you can do is try. And keep trying. He sounds like he is doing everything he can to make the relationship a good one. If you talk to her and there really is no other rational reason for her dislike, I'd just say keep plugging and she will come around (hopefully).
  • chunky_pinup
    chunky_pinup Posts: 758 Member
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    They're not the one dating them, so who cares?
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    chunky_pinup wrote: »
    They're not the one dating them, so who cares?

    of course, but i am really close to my family... especially my mom... so its tough to know she feels that way. this isn't exactly easy on my anxiety.
  • lalee115
    lalee115 Posts: 185 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Asian guys are great dudes. Enjoy.

    Haha 10/10

  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
    edited November 2016
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    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?

    I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.

    i think this may be part of the issue because i realized it myself and have tried to keep from blabbing to her about the small stuff ever since.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    Could it be that you are sharing too much with her?

    I've always been really close to my mom and she didn't like my BF at first. It was mostly because I gave her way too much information about our relationship. I would confide in her about all the silly petty arguments we had and being my mother of course she would side with me and think he was just as awful as I thought he was in that moment. Of course we'd make up and she'd still be mad at him for upsetting me. Lesson learned on my part.

    i think this may be part of the issue because i realized it myself and have tried to keep from blabbing to her about the small stuff ever since.

    It's difficult when you are close and want to tell them everything. For me, I had to remind myself that my mother's opinion is ALWAYS going to be biased because she loves me and obviously doesn't want to see me upset.
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    his age seems to come up often... i'll be 28 in december and he is going to be 39 a day later.

    i haven't actually had the chance to have a civil conversation with her to ask her to explain her reasoning, but i do know age is an issue here (or so she says).

    My late husband was 18 years older than me. We were best friends as well as married and had such a great time we never wanted to be apart. Age doesn't mean anything. Maturity, that's another story. Who you love and want to share your life with is your decision, nobody else's.
  • mamaomefo
    mamaomefo Posts: 418 Member
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    I would suggest, unless you have now, and have always had a terrible relationship with your parents, (and that is a totally different issue), that you may want to give them some time to discuss with you what it is that's causing a red flag for them. A good discussion, not one in passing. Pick a time when each of you have enough time to sit down and really talk with one another and you listen closely. Sometimes people say one thing when their problem is really totally about something else. Sometimes the real issue takes time to develop and be verbally released. Questions and answers with time for listening and discussing them is necessary.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited November 2016
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    My parents never liked anything I did let alone my SO.. Can't please everyone, gotta please yourself..

    Moms and daughters work out their issues in their own way.. Fathers and sons do the same.. When both the mother and father are joined at the hip in every single aspects of their children as in they are joined as one view, there is nothing that can be done about that.

    Move on.. But if you have obligations to them regardless of this and you feel you need to meet those obligations, still do that, otherwise do nothing. Its your life not theirs.
  • Sarahb29
    Sarahb29 Posts: 952 Member
    edited November 2016
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    Ask them why they don't like them, maybe they see red flags that you don't. Remember that if you're marrying someone you're not just marrying that person but their entire family too, so if you don't get along there will be some challenges that both of you will have to work through. As long as both of you are on the same page on how to handle things you'll be fine.

    Edit: I see that age is an issue with your parents. Are you able to fully support yourself without him or would he be paying for rent/bills etc? The only reason I bring this up is that you do not want to move in with someone older who has the idea that you have to do everything their way or the highway and you have no way out of it. Sometimes people who are older that look for younger people look for that because they want to manipulate and "shape" them into something that THEY want.

    I'm not saying this is your situation, but be strong, stay true to yourself and make sure you have a way out if you need it.
  • born_of_fire74
    born_of_fire74 Posts: 776 Member
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    I got my family when I was born, no choice in the matter. I selected my significant other out of all the people in the world. Between the two, my allegiance is with the person I chose rather than the people I got stuck with.
  • PowerMan40
    PowerMan40 Posts: 766 Member
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    I lived with this for 9 years, until that marriage ended, only to be told I told you so, by my parents. Ever since they made up their minds to hate my wife, I never had the same relationship with them. I was never again close to my mom or dad. I resented them because of it, we always had battles, for the holidays, kids birthdays. The undew stress placed on our lives because of their in ability to accept her, was not fair, and not anyway for anyone to start a new family.

    My advice to you, would be to work this *kitten* out with your parents before you marry this person, and ruin their lives also.
  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,585 Member
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    If my mom doesn't like him then he is probably a pile of trash and I should dump him immediately

    If my dad doesn't then it would depend why but regardless I'd take it into consideration

    I want both my parents to like my partner
  • chocolate_owl
    chocolate_owl Posts: 1,695 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    his age seems to come up often... i'll be 28 in december and he is going to be 39 a day later.

    i haven't actually had the chance to have a civil conversation with her to ask her to explain her reasoning, but i do know age is an issue here (or so she says).

    My husband is 19 years older than me. I married him when I was 25. Both of my parents immediately viewed him as their peer rather than as some boy I was dating, which led to a different set of expectations than if he had been the same age as me.

    He met my dad first. My dad was like "Cool, drinking buddy!" We've had an interesting time laying down boundaries. There's never been any dislike or worry, though.

    My mom was really worried in the beginning. One of her close friends married an older man, and she watched her friend put her life on hold to care for him as he aged. She doesn't want that for me. (Obviously this is more of a concern with 19 years between us than 11, but you still might have a few more able years than him. The way I see it: that can happen whether you've got an age gap or not, you have no idea what life will throw at you.) She also latched him saying he's excited to show me things (places he's lived/traveled, classic movies and music he loves) and interpreted that as him playing "teacher" instead of us experiencing life together. Like, she was SUPER hung up on it, and I still WTF over her gleaning that from him wanting me to watch Gone with the Wind. She doesn't like his gray hair and told me he should dye it so he looks younger, even though he started going gray at age 16. And because she viewed him as a peer, she would get fussy if he didn't met her personal criteria for a good partner rather than accepting that he met mine. Basically, the age gap weirded her out and resulted in her making mountains out of molehills from time to time.

    As she saw us together more and more, and as I patiently and respectfully addressed her concerns while laying down boundaries if needed, she came to realize he's a great partner for me. She sees how much he cares for me and how we're on the same wavelength. But she had to warm up to him and spend a lot of time around us for that to happen. And it was important to me that she eventually *got* it - I have a close relationship with my mom that I didn't want to jeopardize in any way.

    Anyway, that's my story. Not sure if it's applicable to you at all, but maybe your mom is a little like mine and is freaking out over things that don't need to be freaked out over. A dose of patience goes a long way...
  • Soccermavrick
    Soccermavrick Posts: 405 Member
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    Depends. Are there reasons why, that you know and understand? If you do, are they warranted? To some parents no one is going to be good enough, then you just have to let your happiness show them that they are wrong. Some see the negativity that you are blind to, those appreciate their input and go from there. Some are not happy in their lives and project, those you have to ignore. Some fear your growing independent and see the boyfriend as a threat. Basically, there are no easy answers and each of us have different circumstances. At the end of the day, you have to do what makes you happy and that you can live with.
  • Sinistrous
    Sinistrous Posts: 5,589 Member
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    I used to not care. Now, I care. If my mom disapproves of the person I'm with right now, to the curb goes he. Spent too much time in life loving losers. Sorry.

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