Health-Shaming
sunnysunny88
Posts: 64 Member
Hi guys! Fairly new member of MFP here, just two weeks! I'm currently 163 cm, 77kg, aiming to lose 10 kg initially by February then more to get to around 60ish kg. Something that I have experienced lately and I've been thinking about as I'm making this effort to lose weight and be healthier is health-shaming, especially when you're eating with someone else and trying to make the right choices and they go 'oh look at you miss healthy' but in a dismissive way. Or if you declined to eat cakes they've baked or refunded a second helping Ive experienced this recently when I went on a trip to the states with my husband and mother in law when I would try and order something healthy and she would pointedly said that she hates people who are picky about what they eat, or that you should be free to eat whatever you want whenever and that people who are obsessive about how much calories they eat are silly. At that time I mostly went along and ate really bad and as a result undid everything I did in the last few months. I felt horrible but I also didn't want to offend her. I did some really good eating and exercising the last month or so and plan to continue, our families are visiting us over Christmas and New Year and I really don't want undo all the effort I've put in. I'm determined to be 'picky' this time and not let their words affect me but I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous. Have you guys experienced anything like this? If so how do you deal with it? And how do you respond to people who health shame you?
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Replies
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I would seriously ask her: If I should be free to eat what ever I want, whenever I want, why do you care if I order X instead of Y?27
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I'm sorry that you have experienced health-shaming to the extent you have. I have experienced a little as well. I guess I don't care as much what people think anymore so I don't let their opinions bother me as much. I do get tired of hearing that I have lost enough weight, the things I eat are gross, I need to eat normally, etc. I suppose if I felt inclined to say anything to anyone, I would tell them thanks for his/her opinion but I am choosing to make healthy choices for a healthier me. If I feel the person is genuinely concerned, I would thank him/her for the concern and consider whether or not the concern is valid. I usually think people health shame out of insecurity or jealousy and just move on. Hopefully people will eventually see their comments aren't going to change us and they will keep their comments to themselves. You aren't going to be able to please some people no matter what you do. You have to take care of yourself because no one else can do it for you. The temptation to make unhealthy choices is strong enough without people's comments influencing me to not make healthy choices. Best wishes on continuing to make healthy choice throughout the holidays and when health shamers are around.4
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I would seriously ask her: If I should be free to eat what ever I want, whenever I want, why do you care if I order X instead of Y?
Great answer! I guess she thinks I'm restricting myself by not eating burgers and fries, but I genuinely would feel better eating vegetables and I have told her so, I guess she just finds it hard to believe.
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I'm 42 years old. I don't make negative comments about food and just order what I want and eat what I want. Don't care what other people think.
I don't view foods as bad or unhealthy unless they are spoiled, taste bad or I'm allergic to them.
I don't blame other people or feel guilty if I overeat.
I eat what I always did just appropriate portions/calories.
I don't let people push me around over food. No one has shamed me for my food or drink choices. I don't feel bad about saying no to something.
"You should eat what you want. This is what I want to eat."
" I'm full."
"Looks delicious but I don't have room for it today."
"No thank you."
IME with other unpopular life choices just do what you think is best for you. Don't put other choices down, discuss or be defensive over your choice. Change the subject.Be firm. Hang up or leave the room/building if you need to.
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Just wanted to point out that you're worried about offending this woman when she was actually very rude to you. Maybe politely suggest that she worry about what she wants to order, while you do the same for yourself13
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Just wanted to point out that you're worried about offending this woman when she was actually very rude to you. Maybe politely suggest that she worry about what she wants to order, while you do the same for yourself
Exactly this
Start ordering the food you want and don't mind the comments. She will soon get fed up. Don't let anyone get in your head like that. I have never had comments like that said to me but I find just laughing when people are saying silly things works for me. Ends the conversation if you are not feeding into it.
Good luck2 -
This is the kind of thing that sends me right into *kitten* mode. My response usually ends up being something like "beats the hell out of a race to bust belts and munch my way to type 2 diabetes...how is your sister by the way?"7
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I would seriously ask her: If I should be free to eat what ever I want, whenever I want, why do you care if I order X instead of Y?
Good answer.
No, I really don't get anything like that, and I wonder how much is in your own perception. I do get people suggesting that we order something (want to share some fries? are you getting dessert) and I think it's partly because they feel more comfortable if someone else is too, but that doesn't mean you have to go along. If I don't want whatever I just say "no, I have more than enough" or "no, but I am going to have coffee, so you go ahead." I do usually try to make it seem like I'm eating what I want which is true anyway and don't obviously count calories around others.
Being health conscious isn't that uncommon in my social group anyway (or looked on badly by my family), but in any case I think it's a good thing, so how could I be shamed about it. I just make sure I'm not coming across as shaming others and if someone got really pushy I'd laugh and ask them why they care what I eat.1 -
OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.5
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I've had this. If your MIL is very overweight, it's worth Googling 'crabs in a bucket' mentality...2
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Usually when people do things like that, it's because their own conscience is being pricked. She probably is recognizing that she needs to be healthier, but isn't willing to admit it, maybe even to herself.2
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I've gotten similar things in the past. Or when i refuse to have desserts especially, people get very upset and start calling me boring, or say "come onnn, just one bite won't hurt, have a bit of what you fancy". And they get very irritated when I say that I actually don't "fancy" the desserts they're trying to force. Thankfully I'm not around these people long. And I do think it's a form of jealously. You're making them very conscious of their poor diet choices, and probably makes them feel guilty.
Those remarks still do annoy me, but i'll be damned if im going to let people derail my efforts just to make THEM feel better about themselves. It baffles me that what I eat is so interesting to them.
Though, recently one of them has started to ask more about my healthier choices, and is even wanting to join me in making "healthy" desserts this christmas time (something I was VERY worried about like yourself).
Please, please, please, don't let this woman and those types of people take you off your path, and ruin your efforts. Let them make those comments, they will eventually stop, and get used to your way of eating.
And like people say, if she thinks people should eat what they want, why not you?
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CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.1 -
CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
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"Wow, you're super concerned about what's on my plate!" or, "Why are you so focused on what I eat?" Look her straight in the eyes and use a friendly but baffled tone. I have great success with this method; it's the adult version of junior high's "why are you so obsessed with me, weirdo?"11
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CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
I just can't imagine those comments in a vacuum. Why would someone mention calories if OP hadn't mentioned them first?3 -
Tell her she should try it sometime0
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CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
I just can't imagine those comments in a vacuum. Why would someone mention calories if OP hadn't mentioned them first?
My guess is most people know a steamed veggie medley side packs much less of a calorie punch than chili cheese fries. Delete the 1000 calorie desert and that's another clue2 -
People close to me tell me to not lose any weight now. I am happy that they are worried for me, but it also frustrates me. They don't know my goals and they don't let me explain it to them. But they encourage me to exercise and my boyfriend even told me he "needs" to exercise too.
You just have to politely ignore what they say and continue what you're doing.
Some people laugh and say they rather enjoy "real food". They don't understand that some people just like veggies and don't see it as a punishment. They don't understand that exercise becomes fun and that we even set exercise-goals. That's it. They don't understand. So don't mind them.
Also... I've encountered alot of people in real life and on the internet saying that muscles are ugly! That actually hurt me. Why are people calling muscles ugly and are calling muscled people bad names? I know some guys who lift and even they say that they think muscles on a woman is ugly.
I don't understand, but I'll keep following my own advice and ignore them. I want to become mini Wonder Woman.3 -
CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
I just can't imagine those comments in a vacuum. Why would someone mention calories if OP hadn't mentioned them first?
My guess is most people know a steamed veggie medley side packs much less of a calorie punch than chili cheese fries
I'd like to think they do! However, given all the media stuff about fats etc someone is more likely (IMO) to use the words "healthy" or "low-fat" than "calorie", if they were going to comment at all.0 -
CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
That's where I employ the big smile, and boldly say something like, "I happen to like my food choices".
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OP others gave given you good advice about how to politely respond in social situations like you've described. I'm curious about your comments about undoing months of hard work after eating badly with your MIL and fear that's going to happen again at the holidays. It's not possible to undo months of work in a single meal and also unlikely even over the course of holiday celebrations if you are being mindful at most meals and then partaking in a few more indulgent events. Are you being uber restrictive and maybe that's what your friend and MIL are responding to?3
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CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
I just can't imagine those comments in a vacuum. Why would someone mention calories if OP hadn't mentioned them first?
My guess is most people know a steamed veggie medley side packs much less of a calorie punch than chili cheese fries
I'd like to think they do! However, given all the media stuff about fats etc someone is more likely (IMO) to use the words "healthy" or "low-fat" than "calorie", if they were going to comment at all.
Good point - it looks like the OP's friend used both!
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CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »CurlyCockney wrote: »OP you've stated what others said, but not what you've said. I wonder if you said "I'm dieting" or "I'm trying to eat healthily" or similar? You don't need to give a reason for what your food choices are, just say "no, thank you" for foods you don't want to eat. Anything else is just inviting comment.
Yep ... this.
Just say "no thank you". You could be refusing for any number of reasons ... you're full, you're allergic to something in the food, you don't like the flavour or texture, you want to stay within your calorie limits, whatever. The reason is yours to keep to yourself.
In some instances she's making what she feels are healthier choices and being criticized for it. It's not a "No, thank you" situation, I don't think
I just can't imagine those comments in a vacuum. Why would someone mention calories if OP hadn't mentioned them first?
My guess is most people know a steamed veggie medley side packs much less of a calorie punch than chili cheese fries
I'd like to think they do! However, given all the media stuff about fats etc someone is more likely (IMO) to use the words "healthy" or "low-fat" than "calorie", if they were going to comment at all.
Good point - it looks like the OP's friend used both!
Yep! Seems odd to me but that doesn't mean it didn't happen...
Anyway, OP you don't have to choose to be shamed. Choose to eat what you want to get to your health goals, either with or without your family/friend's support.2 -
My MIL is this way. I ignore her. In fact, I ignore most everything she has to say, but especially about my food. She just likes to feel superior. I like to feel well.3
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See I dont play that passive agressive, lets pretend you aint talkin about me stuff.
Your mil needs to be told to shut up. I dont know if your husband was around when his mother was low key shading you, or if you expressed your angst about her mouth to him?
He needs to handle his mother.
She'd get a warning to please keep her comments to herself or she would be banned from having meals with me. Please stop letting other people make you eat crap you dont want.
Put your foot down and show your mil who's in charge of what goes in your mouth.
She seems like the type that will try to tell you what you should be feeding your baby, because she knows best
You better grow a spine quick.5 -
I've gotten similar things in the past. Or when i refuse to have desserts especially, people get very upset and start calling me boring, or say "come onnn, just one bite won't hurt, have a bit of what you fancy". And they get very irritated when I say that I actually don't "fancy" the desserts they're trying to force. Thankfully I'm not around these people long. And I do think it's a form of jealously. You're making them very conscious of their poor diet choices, and probably makes them feel guilty.
Those remarks still do annoy me, but i'll be damned if im going to let people derail my efforts just to make THEM feel better about themselves. It baffles me that what I eat is so interesting to them.
Though, recently one of them has started to ask more about my healthier choices, and is even wanting to join me in making "healthy" desserts this christmas time (something I was VERY worried about like yourself).
Please, please, please, don't let this woman and those types of people take you off your path, and ruin your efforts. Let them make those comments, they will eventually stop, and get used to your way of eating.
And like people say, if she thinks people should eat what they want, why not you?
I sometimes feel like the phrase "misery loves company" falls into place here. It's a group mentality thing, and when one person chooses a healthier option then the rest of the group feels like they're being attacked2 -
My best friend uses social situations as an excuse to indulge. She didn't like it when i refused to join in, but she accepts it now- just took a bit if time.
P.s i do indulge now and again but on my own terms- what i want and when i want it.0 -
I think we have all experienced it before, but now that I am older it seems weight is a struggle for many of my friends and acquaintances so we are more supportive of one another. I still get or have one little piece or just a bite. I then go into my "routine" that I am a junk food addict and one bite is like offering an alcoholic a drink and frankly they get tired of listening to me and drop it. LOL Plus you are free to eat what you wish, and if your wish is to be healthy well..there you are. Really don't worry so much about what others think just say your following doctors advise and let it go. Doesn't matter what they think anyway. Your health is what is important.0
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When you are in a postion with her that she wants to argue, or comment on what you want to eat, just say "excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room". Leave your order (what YOU want) with your husband before you leave and let him handle his mother.1
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