i feel fat and ugly
Replies
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To quote RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
Your problem is not the guy in the park or your society (although they may both be problematic). The guy in the park hasn't even had the opportunity to reject you. You beat yourself down and then resented him for it! People can be cruel, but our own imagination can be so much crueler, especially when driven by shame and self-pity.
My advice is to let go of that negativity and stop being a victim. You deserve better than that! Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Expect to be liked for who you are. Show the world that *you* know that you are worth knowing and liking, because you have so much to offer.
And talk to the guy! The worst that is likely to happen is no worse than you have already done to yourself. If it goes well, you win! If he rejects you because of your looks, then you will know that he isn't worth knowing and you can get over him. The shame of that isn't half as bad as the shame of believing you aren't worthy of even talking to him in the first place.
Everything here, perfectly stated.3 -
why are you assuming he aint looking because of size. he could prefer blond/brunette/bald/whatever your not.
his thing could be girls in specs or not.
trainers or heels.
jeans or skirts
whatever, it could just not be you
it does not have to always come down to size.
you could always be ugly of course lol.. but that has nothing to do with size.1 -
shredcamps wrote: »why are you assuming he aint looking because of size. he could prefer blond/brunette/bald/whatever your not.
his thing could be girls in specs or not.
trainers or heels.
jeans or skirts
whatever, it could just not be you
it does not have to always come down to size.
you could always be ugly of course lol.. but that has nothing to do with size.
He could also not be into girls at all! Just because he looks at girls doesn't mean he wants them.3 -
PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »amusedmonkey wrote: »PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I was the thin girl and I was the fat girl.if he is looking and staring at the thin pretty girls then its possible he is a shallow person. you really dont want someone like that.you could always go up and say hi and go from there.I got more attention when I put on weight compared to when I was thin. stop being so hard on yourself, work to become the best you you can be and go from there. never be jealous of any other women as you dont know them,just because they are pretty and thin on the outside doesnt mean anything. thin and pretty doesnt make the person
He's not shallow, he just likes a particular body type perhaps, everyone does. I like tall and dark men, if you're under 6ft I'm not interested... That's just my type. Doesn't make me shallow, it's just what I'm attracted to physically.
Well Asian, mostly indian men have a type and that's thin and beautiful. If you're not a thin woman they'd rather *kitten* a dog. Its a cultural thing. Most of you are American and come from a diverse culture where black white thin or fat doesnt make a person but it's not the same here !!
I'm not American and I'm not from a diverse culture. It's the same everywhere, different people have different preferences no matter where they live, but the voice for a certain body type can be louder than others. Have you never seen an overweight Indian woman happily married? Regardless, you can easily change "fat", but changing "feeling fat and ugly" is going to require some serious work.
Women in India get rejected for being fat or dark or ugly. I am 28 y/o and have reached "marriageable" age and get rejected a lot coz of my weight. Oh well We don't have a predominantly dating culture like western countries. I have read in papers how "physically imperfect" women are harassed by their in laws for the stated reasons. Some get burnt alive or the luckier one divorced if they dont meet the high standards set for us looks wise.
How big is your dowry? Most Indian men and their parents I know of wouldn't care too much if you're overweight, beautiful, light complexioned, educated with a decent dowry. They will even overlook your caste for the right dowry and minimal requirements.
To me, Indian men like curvaceous women (not skinny) ... Moreso, skinnyfat or a woman of average weight with "a figure" (36 -24-36 ) or within those proportions. Think Ashwarya Rai, less Lara Dutta who has acclimated her features and body to suit what she thinks is more acceptable to the West.
I have known both kinds of Northern Indian men as family friends who are fairly close to family in India, yet live abroad. Some prefer the skinny girls shunning traditional requirements and others respect their parents and traditional dictates.
Talk to him.2 -
Maybe some men can chime in here but some men are attracted to confidence. And the funny thing is if you gain confidence your negative thinking will change and you will start to see results physically as well.
Show up for yourself.3 -
777Gemma888 wrote: »PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »amusedmonkey wrote: »PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I was the thin girl and I was the fat girl.if he is looking and staring at the thin pretty girls then its possible he is a shallow person. you really dont want someone like that.you could always go up and say hi and go from there.I got more attention when I put on weight compared to when I was thin. stop being so hard on yourself, work to become the best you you can be and go from there. never be jealous of any other women as you dont know them,just because they are pretty and thin on the outside doesnt mean anything. thin and pretty doesnt make the person
He's not shallow, he just likes a particular body type perhaps, everyone does. I like tall and dark men, if you're under 6ft I'm not interested... That's just my type. Doesn't make me shallow, it's just what I'm attracted to physically.
Well Asian, mostly indian men have a type and that's thin and beautiful. If you're not a thin woman they'd rather *kitten* a dog. Its a cultural thing. Most of you are American and come from a diverse culture where black white thin or fat doesnt make a person but it's not the same here !!
I'm not American and I'm not from a diverse culture. It's the same everywhere, different people have different preferences no matter where they live, but the voice for a certain body type can be louder than others. Have you never seen an overweight Indian woman happily married? Regardless, you can easily change "fat", but changing "feeling fat and ugly" is going to require some serious work.
Women in India get rejected for being fat or dark or ugly. I am 28 y/o and have reached "marriageable" age and get rejected a lot coz of my weight. Oh well We don't have a predominantly dating culture like western countries. I have read in papers how "physically imperfect" women are harassed by their in laws for the stated reasons. Some get burnt alive or the luckier one divorced if they dont meet the high standards set for us looks wise.
How big is your dowry? Most Indian men and their parents I know of wouldn't care too much if you're overweight, beautiful, light complexioned, educated with a decent dowry.
Dowry? How ridiculous your post is! Are you taunting me? Being sarcastic? I am not giving even 1 rupee to some jacka$$ to warm my bed lol0 -
To quote RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
Your problem is not the guy in the park or your society (although they may both be problematic). The guy in the park hasn't even had the opportunity to reject you. You beat yourself down and then resented him for it! People can be cruel, but our own imagination can be so much crueler, especially when driven by shame and self-pity.
My advice is to let go of that negativity and stop being a victim. You deserve better than that! Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Expect to be liked for who you are. Show the world that *you* know that you are worth knowing and liking, because you have so much to offer.
And talk to the guy! The worst that is likely to happen is no worse than you have already done to yourself. If it goes well, you win! If he rejects you because of your looks, then you will know that he isn't worth knowing and you can get over him. The shame of that isn't half as bad as the shame of believing you aren't worthy of even talking to him in the first place.
This is excellent advice! But its tough to feel great and have confidence when I dont look so great. Yes i admit I am superficial and everything to me is looks based because I have such a shallow perception in life I attract exactly the same as I think! I go by looks and I get judged by looks
I am not a bad person but I am not a terribly deep person either! 0 -
PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »
Dowry? How ridiculous your post is! Are you taunting me? Being sarcastic? I am not giving even 1 rupee to some jacka$$ to warm my bed lol
No not at all. Your reaction is making me lol though. You and I both know that dowries aren't limited to rupees only. Who is being ridiculous now? Lol. You were the member who'd chosen to highlight that we in America aren't aware of Asian Indian courtship. You'd be surprised. Indian arranged marriages are sealed outside India more often than you'd think. Some aren't as traditional as parents arranging the matches, rather, older siblings and cousins are (US/UK/Canada/Australia 30s plus sets), with parental blessings of course.
As stated before OP, do not hide behind your bf% and TALK TO HIM. Maybe a male relative could assist you? Less forward. If only he had an older sibling, things would be a tad easier for you.
Understandably, you do not want to set a dowry aside for yourself - customary practice dictates that your parents should have been doing that from the moment you were born. Being 28, it would have been assumed by any interested Indian male who is traditionally raised that your dowry would be impressive. 28 years worth of dowry. Obviously not. I'm so very sorry.
ETA: Fix quotes2 -
PeachesNcreamgal wrote: »This is excellent advice! But its tough to feel great and have confidence when I dont look so great. Yes i admit I am superficial and everything to me is looks based because I have such a shallow perception in life I attract exactly the same as I think! I go by looks and I get judged by looks I am not a bad person but I am not a terribly deep person either!
Peaches, it is not just tough, it is impossible to feel great and have confidence when you judge yourself this way.
So stop judging yourself. That voice in your head that keeps telling you you are fat and ugly is sabotaging you. Stop listening to it. Accept that you are inherently good and beautiful and valuable just as you are. You are worth loving just as you are.
When you do that, you may also find it easier to lose weight. Not because you have to in order to feel good about yourself, but because you want to take better care of yourself, because you know you are worth it.2 -
Absolutely. Nothing is more attractive than confidence.Maybe some men can chime in here but some men are attracted to confidence. And the funny thing is if you gain confidence your negative thinking will change and you will start to see results physically as well.
Show up for yourself.
If you want to be happy, do what makes you happy. If you want to be miserable, keep doing what makes you miserable. Take a look at your situation from the outside...or as if you were speaking to a young girl who felt the same way...what would you suggest? It's easier to come up with a real solution when your own emotions are not involved.2 -
I've been reading a fabulous book called, 365 Days of Positive Self-Talk for Weight-Loss. The premise is that we need to re-wire our brains to instill confidence, positivity, self esteem and a new approach to life into our daily journey. It's really helped inspire me to celebrate the successes' I've had and to keep working towards the person I want to be (inside AND out). I really try to spend time every single day making at least one other person feel good about themselves and who they are. It DOES reflect back to you! My relationship with my husband has improved over the last 6 months and NOT because of the weight loss, but because of the attitude I have, the excitement I'm creating in our home and the energy it's bringing to the family. It's contagious. My extended family is starting healthier lifestyles in their homes, we do active things as a family. You need to work from in the inside out, in order to create the person, body and persona you want to portray!
Good luck, OP!
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