Boyfriends and strip clubs

JGT2004

Ok so all I am looking for here is a little advice and to use this as a sounding board for an issue that has come up in my relationship. Please read the whole thing before responding as I will trying to provide all relevant info.

I have dated my bf for nearly a year (end of August). He is 32 and I am 27. I have a 7 year old son with no "father" in the picture. I am pretty sure my current bf is THE ONE, I am just waiting for him to propose. We have only had 1 big disagreement as he is extremely patient and we usually talk things out.

The issue: In the last year he has never mentioned or discussed going to a strip club although I know he goes to breastraunts several times a week usually with co-workers. I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.

He has been the best and most considerate boyfriend this whole time. We talk about everything and are open and honest with one another. Yesterday he got off work really early (11:30am) and I had plans to cook him a nice dinner before he went to his house (20-30 minutes away). I checked with him and he said he and the guys were having drinks and he would head home when I left work. I rushed home to get supper started so he wouldnt have to drive home so late. He ended up leaving an hour after he originally said he would be leaving and showed up extremely drunk.

My issues are:
1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.

2. When he got home I asked him where they hung out just casually as part of the normal how was your day talk. He said Hooters for lunch then to a sports bar. He ate supper and passed out a little while (I wasn't going to let him drive to his house at all). When he woke up he was some what sober and my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?

3. I understand men go to strip clubs. If they didn't they wouldn't exist. This is the first time we have come across the issue of him wanting or going to one. I would understand him wanting to go if it was for a bachelor party but to just go on a random Tuesday because you got out of work early.... It makes me worry. How often has he gone and just not told me?

At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club and can I really trust him. If he tells me the truth for direct questions then I have to worry about what he isn't telling me or what I am not asking and I flat out don't want to be a controlling nag. I feel like I provide enough for him at home in all departments that he should not need to frequent those kind of establishments. He also knows I have issues with cheating and men who treat their SOs like a doormat.

The plan forward: right now I have told him I need to take some time to sort my thoughts. If he wants to continue going to those kind of places that is his choice but my choice is whether or not I want to be with someone who does. I have canceled our dinner plans for the rest of the week and our double date for Saturday night. I don't plan on seeing or talking to him for a few days so we can both sort our thoughts. I am thinking about writing all of mine out in a letter and giving it to him. That way I can lay them out without the confusing that comes when we have a discussion and go back and forth. I am trying to handle this in a mature and thoughtful way rather than just being a B and saying "YOU ARE FORBIDDEN." Right now I feel very hurt and disappointed and like the trust we have built for the last year has been shaken. Am I over-reacting? Is a letter too childish? I keep going around and around in my head so thoughts would be appreciated. I haven't talked to my friends because I know they are biased and don't want to "bad mouth" him to them.

BigDaddyRonnie

Sounds to me he just likes to hang with his buds just as much as he does with you. Obviously there is a line between the two where those two worlds are not mixing. I would focus on that...bringing those worlds together rather than going down the forbidden route.

jaycbadass

I say twin peaks and redneck heaven is a fine medium that you can both attend

JGT2004

We do spend a lot of time together so I am always encouraging him to hang out more with his friends. And we do hang out with his couple friends every now and then.

I am not sure Redneck Heaven is a happy medium and a city near me just had to re-define nudity to prevent the waitresses from ONLY wearing body paint.

spade117

I think he should break up with you.

hbrittingham

You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.

I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.

I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.

No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).

He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.

patrickblo13

It's just a strip club... chill out about it. He probably would have told you if you weren't so crazy about it.

sheenarama

Yes, I would like both. Was that the question?

Sekxy49

Sounds to me he just likes to hang with his buds just as much as he does with you. Obviously there is a line between the two where those two worlds are not mixing. I would focus on that...bringing those worlds together rather than going down the forbidden route.

^^^ THIS!! Back when I was dating my now husband of nearly 19 years, he would attend these "breastraunts" as you call them. Even after we were married, he'd go. I never worried nor thought he would cheat on me while there. Me personally, I always go with my gut instinct -- never been wrong about that for anything in my life. Don't create a problem that isn't there, unless he's displayed otherwise. I even purchased a subscription to Playboy for my man (his buddies thought I was the best wife ever)....on his own after comparing his age to those in the magazine, he was no longer comfortable. Good luck!!

PapaverSomniferum

If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.

sadiebrawl

I am not so sure he is the one for you. He sounds like he still wants to be 21 and not settle down, but you want a quiet family.

jamiem1102

Personally, I don't see an issue with strip clubs, but, I do see an issue with him not telling you about it... and his intention to never tell you about it. That's a communication/trust problem. Although, from the information you provided, I can only assume he didn't tell you about it, because he knew you'd disapprove (still not an excuse for not telling you).

While I'm sure you "provide enough for him in all departments," sometimes people just want to see something a little different. If that's the case, no matter how much you "provide," it isn't going to change the issue.

As for the letter, well, I guess it would depend on how you two communicate. If it were me, it would be agony waiting for a response. So while a letter may be more thorough, it may not be as effective as him hearing your voice and talking to you, etc.

Good luck!

whierd

Who cares if you dont like him going to breastaurants and strip clubs? You are his girlfriend, not his keeper.

JenAndSome

While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.

jaycbadass

We do spend a lot of time together so I am always encouraging him to hang out more with his friends. And we do hang out with his couple friends every now and then.

I am not sure Redneck Heaven is a happy medium and a city near me just had to re-define nudity to prevent the waitresses from ONLY wearing body paint.

City should no longer be recognized as a city. IMO

whierd

While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.

Yup, instead of trying to castrate him.

jaycbadass

If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.

This ^^ or hes really not that into you as much as youd like

JGT2004

Breastraunts 3-5 times a week is excessive. Even if it weren't breastraunts, going out drinking 3-5 times a week is excessive. Unfortunately if he's doing it so often, I think it's something that he's not likely to change. It's very disrespectful to go to a strip club knowing you don't appreciate it (and I think a lot of guys truly don't understand why it's an issue). I guess my question would be, has he done this ever since you've known him, or is this a recent thing (going out all the time)? I think a letter might be good, cause you can be very clear about what you're trying to say.

You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.

I am not so sure he is the one for you. He sounds like he still wants to be 21 and not settle down, but you want a quiet family.

He usually goes with the guys at work and has since I have known him. Even though it bothered me I won't tell him flat out not to go. He works in a male-dominate field so I do understand that thats typically "their thing." This is the first time he has gone to a strip club that I know of and I am not sure I want to accept it. He said they only do it 1-2 times a year but handn't gone since last July (before we started dating). Even 1-2 times I am not sure I want to live with.

Also he has made every indication he is ready to settle down, including bonding with my son (who I wouldn't let him meet until I was sure he was marriage material and who has NEVER met any of my old boyfriends). We also spend a ton of time with his family and mine so I don't think it is a growing up issue. Although it may be a last minute "this is the end of my single life" reaction. Maybe?

pastryari

Print this out and give it to him. Or read it to him. Whatever.

These are all things you should be saying to HIM.

jamiem1102

While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.

While I agree with you that she's making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, If he's going to strip clubs because he can't stand up to his friends, their relationship is in serious trouble.

pastryari

You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

God yes. Yes. YES.