Boyfriends and strip clubs
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Why don't you just go with him.0
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If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.
^^ This!
Can you live FOREVER with him going out to strip clubs and breasturants for the rest of your life? With that being the male role model for your child? (note: not saying it makes him a poor role model, just something to consider).
If you don't want to deal with it FOREVER than dump him now and save both you and him the heartache later.0 -
GO with him, and offer to be the DD.0
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If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.
You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.
Now this is a smart woman with a great answer.0 -
You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.
I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.
I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.
No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).
He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.
And on that day....I would have called off a wedding lol
And I let him make his choice. He had the ring back. He chose me. And as I said in my post above, there were several other issues prior that I am not sharing. We've overcome all of those issues and are still together and happier than ever.0 -
Whatever you do, please don't settle! It sounds like you've invested a LOT of time in this guy, especially with your son. Many women don't get out of relationships that aren't working because of that. But being single is so much better than being with someone who makes you uncomfortable! And I promise you, there are guys out there who don't want to go to these places that objectify women to honor their girlfriend/spouse.0
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The issue is not the strip clubs. It's honesty. If you can't trust him, it won't work. PERIOD. If you have honesty issues now, they will only get worse, especially as you get more and more suspicious causing him to be more and more secretive.
On the other hand, if it were my relationship, and even if we had complete trust in each other, I personally wouldn't stay with someone who wants to look at other females like that (even if he uses the excuse of "hanging out with the guys" as if that's the only thing guys can do when they hang out). Just my personal belief that once you commit to someone, you do NOT go out looking at other people's half naked or fully naked bodies knowing full well the hormones are going to be surging and your thoughts and imaginations running wild. That's just me though...well, me AND my husband or else we would not have married.0 -
You're guyses values are way off. He likes those places. You don't like them. All the rest is just trying to tolerate and trying to change one another.
He thought he can tolerate you as a GF if he can figure out how to still hang with his friends at places he likes. Getting off early (no pun intended) was the perfect foil, until you ruined it with your ideas about being a good GF and rushing home to beat him with a great dinner. His idea of a good GF would have been to stay chained to your work until he got a chance to have a good time with the guys looking at tail.
Your idea of a good boyfriend was that he called you when he got off work early for "yay more US time" when in reality he was just trying not to get called caught at work and not be there and look like a liar. He was just covering all bases before going out to have a good free time without having to worry what you might think for awhile.
From my perspective the relationship is currently sucking for both of you and I'd hate to be in either position. If I were your IRL friend I'd tell you this and not "oh he's a jerk you should dump him" or "he doesn't deserve you" I'd just say you'd be better off without him. And vice versa. Do you know how easy it would be for you to find a guy who is a homebody and would rush home the minute work were over to hang out with you and your kid? Just as easy as it would be for him to find a woman who wouldn't mind his hobbies as they currently are.0 -
When I found out my ex, who I would have swore to you was marriage material, drove home drunk frequently and saw little wrong with it, it was over.
I'd forget the everything else.0 -
I think you should be asking yourself if you'd be proud of your son if he turned into the kind of the man that your current boyfriend is. That should give you your answer.0
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This is my opinion - I think that "forbidding" anything for a man is like hanging a steak in front of him and telling him not to eat it - he's going to. If you aren't comfortable with him going to strip clubs, I think it's up to you to decide if you can handle being with someone who goes to them say 6x/year. Personally, I HATE strip clubs for a lot of reasons, but I don't forbid it and I actually encourage my boyfriend to go WITH ME (with me being the appropriate phrase here). At least for us, with me being so open about it, it encourages him to be honest and then I have a better idea of what's really going on and I can judge his personality and habits better. If I forbid him to do it, he might do it anyway and just not tell me, or he'd resent me for telling him what he can and can't do. In all fairness, I don't want him to tell me what to do either, so it works.
I know there are plenty of men who do go to strip clubs, and plenty of men who don't. It's up to you to decide if this is something you want to deal with.
If you haven't ever been to one, I would encourage you to go for a couple of reasons:
1. In my opinion, it is a lot less harmless than it appears. Yes, there is an awful, terrible, gross and downright filthy side to strip clubs. The last time I went with my boyfriend, it was not at all this way. He bought me a lap dance as a joke, we talked to a stripper (who was 40 by the way with 5 kids and had one heck of a life story), had a couple of drinks, and were on our way.
2. I don't think a lot of men get off to strip clubs as much as we think they do. I think that it's like going to a sports bar; strippers are something to look at while they talk to their friends and have "guy time".
3. Peer pressure: Men who tell other men that they don't want to go to strip clubs are "*kitten*", so even if they don't want to go, they go anyway.
4. If you go to a strip club sober, it will probably make you feel kind of sad - not only for the girls working (who may or may not have a choice about their vocation), but also for the men. Some are lonely, widowed, in terrible marriages/relationships, or are just looking to get totally wasted. You don't often find sober men at a strip club - according to my boyfriend, it's because booze makes the whole experience a little more palatable. He said that a lot of guys that he knows feel really sorry for the strippers, and booze helps them to not focus on that so much.
Hope this was helpful. I have had to deal with it in my own mind and actually going to one helped me to realize that it isn't as glamorous as I thought it was. Talk to him, but understand that if you give him an ultimatum, he will probably either lie to you or resent you. In a lot of cases, the more you tell someone they can't or shouldn't do something, the more they're going to do it... just not tell you.0 -
Honestly like everybody else the biggest issue I see here is driving drunk..0
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No, I didn't trust him at the time...
Yet were planning on marrying him?!0 -
I do not believe you should ever demand
me or the else
Everyone has the right to choose,
I do think you should tell him how it hurt you
Since this has been brought up several times. I DO NOT try to control him. Hence why I am working through my thought process in a neutral place (MFP) rather than ranting to my mom or friends who would easily take my side. I have never given him ultimatums and do not nag him about going to breastaurants. I have told him once that I do not particularly like those places and have left it at that. I don't feel the need to nag him or constantly remind him. I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important. That doesn't mean I don't have opinions or expectations. I have tried to be open and honest so that its not a 180 degree change from dating to engaged life. I don't think that is fair and is a bit like catfishing.0 -
Who the fawk goes to hooters anymore..what is he 17?
I dont have an issue with my man going to strip clubs, but going to these place so often is such a big turn off, very inmature..0 -
I can't believe you are more concerned about him going to a strip club than you are drunk driving. If he does that a lot you won't have to worry about making a decision.0
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Guys and strip clubs! I just don't get what they get going to see strippers! Call me old fashion, but going to one when you have a GF or married is total disrespect to your partner. Even when I was single, all my friends would go and I'd tell them have a blast, I'm out.0
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They're actually fun.. You should go with him lol!
Okay yeah I don't have a personal issue with strip clubs.. in fact I love them myself (women not men) BUT I would be bothered if my boyfriend went without me all the time.
I would honestly take the "If you can't beat em' join em'" kinda approach to it..
OR
If he has always been like this and you accepted it from the beginning then you have a choice.. to either deal with it or leave..
You can also:: Hang with your own friends to keep yourself busy OR see if he is willing to compromise by not going as often.
Good Luck with that!0 -
Well, first off, you really need to decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life and what you aren't.
Then, you really need to sit down and have a conversation with him. You need to tell him how these behaviors make you feel, that you are beginning to have doubts about this relationship because of it, and then you need to see if some compromises can be made as far as what he wants and what you want.
If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then you might consider that he might not be "the one" (I really hate that expression) for you after all.0 -
Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
I would have gladly come and picked him up when he was ready to go if I knew where/what he was doing. All I knew until he got home was that he "got off early and am going to grab lunch and hang out with the guys for a little bit."0 -
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If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.
You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.
^- This. My boyfriend got taken to a breastaurant by my ex (long story, lol) and they did a group photo with all the waitresses and he came home disappointed with the food and in the photo you can see he's got a good foot or more between him and the woman he's supposed to be in the picture with. Some guys aren't that drinking/strip club type, some guys are, it's your choice whether or not you can live with him being like that, but you can't ask him to change. Well you can, but take it from experience that it usually doesn't end well. My alcoholic ex stopped drinking for me and when he dumped me afterwards for being a 'psycho controlling b' and he went on a three-day bender and to this day has no idea what happened. <-- why I wanted him to stop in the first place
Unless it's a new thing for him to be doing that, in which case that could be a cry for help or something else going on with him that you should talk about directly.0 -
Leaving aside the drunk driving issue (it's a problem; he should probably get help on that before the law is involved for one reason or another), I have to ask, OP: does your BF have access to a computer? See, these days, there's this thing called "the internet" where a guy can see everything he'd see at a strip club, often for less money. Unless your objection to the strip club is entirely financial - and I don't know your financial situation - objecting to the strip club doesn't make any more sense to me than objecting to him using the internet.
Oh, and for those who would respond with NetNanny/CyberSitter etc as reasons why he wouldn't use the internet to look at boobs and so forth, I'm working under the assumption that he's an adult, from the information provided.0 -
I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.
The ring changes nothing...somebody will do what somebody wants...married or not...0 -
Honestly like everybody else the biggest issue I see here is driving drunk..
Seriously, I stopped reading after that...deal breaker
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Dont date a guy who loves going to strip clubs then...problem solved. You knew that when you got into the relationship. Take him as he is, or move on.
im lucky my guy could care less about strip clubs..... although I told him i wanted to go to one with him just to see what all the fuss was about haha
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He sounds like a college student. If he wants to drink 3-5 days a week you need to figure out if that is the life style you want because that is his. As for going to the strip clubs, that is between you and him, if he is doing it to hang out with friends that is one thing, lying to you about going is another.
*sigh*
:flowerforyou:0 -
Start working in one? You certainly look good enough and it would allow you to spend more time with him.0
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I love strip clubs. They are so much fun but I am one of those odd chicks that like the "art" of it. It takes some work to work that pole. The drunkdriving is a no-no. That should be your main thing along with compromising from both sides. Honestly, looks like you guys are in two different streets of life -or- he is selfish. He wants the lady at home and the jubblies and flirts at the titty places.0
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BTW yeah .. I would find it more concerning that he is driving home drunk. NOT cool at all.0
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