Many people on this site are more nosey and judgmental than supportive

Verity1111

Some people have health problems.
Some people have eating disorders or have had them.
Some people are diabetic.
Some people are under doctor supervision.
Some people have had weight loss surgery

If someone asks a very specific question and says please do not suggest A.______ because I am positive this is not a factor or my doctor/dietician has approved my method. Then do not suggest A._______.

Helping someone and being supportive does not include sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. If I ask you what I can do for my arms and post a picture, don't point out how jiggly my thighs are and start giving me leg tips (just a very very random example).

If I don't mention having had an ED in the past, that is probably because as soon as I do people jump down my throat for eating 1200 net calories. While tons of people eat 1200 calories (net) on here, it is OK, but because I had an ED it's not okay for me (according to other people)! Quite the contrary, eating 1200 calories is a BIG deal for me. Someone who has went 10 days with no food or drink at her worst. I am doing GREAT and they can shove it...Criticising someone like me for 1200 net calories is very discouraging and can lead to relapse. Don't start dishing advice unless totally necessary.

I am told I can't join a biggest loser challenge because I've had an ED before.
I didn't ask for their opinion on that? So why do they feel the need to give it?
I have had dr supervision and advice, but I should not need to mention this on every post I make. But I can not ask a doctor every single question I have because I have kids and so I come here for reassurance. I have health issues and my doctor is thinking my weight might be worsening them so keeping my calories at the minimum was approved, but again I shouldn't need to say that.

Stop judging people unless it is very severe.
If someone is eating 500 net calories a day, if they average in the triple digits every day, just because, then feel free to step in and say "Maybe you should see a psych or a dr."
...Unless IDK maybe they had a gastric bypass? Might want to ask if there are medical reasons before you start hounding someone.

Gastric Bypass "Avoid sugar, sugar-containing foods and beverages, concentrated sweets and fruit juices. For the first two months following surgery, your calorie intake should be between 300 and 600 calories a day, with a focus on thin and thicker liquids. Daily caloric intake should not exceed 1,000 calories."

I do not post every personal detail of my medical history and issues in my posts...I ask a question, I try to be very specific and say please don't tell me about _____ because I really don't care or it won't help. So why mention it anyway? And still not even answer the question I did specifically ask? Or point out I seem a bit anxious over "little things" when I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, including OCD so if you knew that it would make sense... but it's none of your business. I don't mind people who ask "Are you sure....." I mind people who definitively start diagnosing me and telling me I am doing things wrong when they're not asked for that much of their opinion on how I live my life. Why do these things? To be completely not helpful but feel good about yourself. That's why. End rant.

Oh and if any of this pertains to stuff you've dealt with on here, my apologies to you. It's easy to be supportive without being a know it all. Some people just don't care what you need so they say what they want instead.

diannethegeek

It's been my experience that every helpful poster on these forums, every single one, will be called rude, mean, negative, troll, bully, etc. at some point or another no matter how carefully they phrase their advice. Posts like this tend not to be very helpful. When every helpful poster is called out as mean at some point or another, then making a post like this without examples or qualifications just ends up pointing fingers at everyone.

There is some actual rudeness that goes above and beyond what should be acceptable here. Report it (use the actual report function not the flags) or call it out where you see it. But posts like this just add to the negative atmosphere that you're trying to combat instead of solving anything.

Verity1111

diannethegeek wrote: »

It's been my experience that every helpful poster on these forums, every single one, will be called rude, mean, negative, troll, bully, etc. at some point or another no matter how carefully they phrase their advice. Posts like this tend not to be very helpful. When every helpful poster is called out as mean at some point or another, then making a post like this without examples or qualifications just ends up pointing fingers at everyone.

There is some actual rudeness that goes above and beyond what should be acceptable here. Report it (use the actual report function not the flags) or call it out where you see it. But posts like this just add to the negative atmosphere that you're trying to combat instead of solving anything.

I am talking about people telling me exactly what I said. I can't be in a weight loss contest because I had an ED. I can't eat 1200 calories because I had an ED. That is exactly what I was told or I am losing "too fast" as if it is my fault I lost 3lbs a week during my first 3 weeks? That's not in my control. I was 224lbs and didn't walk for 5 months. Maybe I was holding a lot of water weight? I'm following a healthy weight loss plan so really it's rude to be telling me I need help just because I lost a lot of weight. I told them I'm eating what's required and that my dr has approved it so why do people feel the need to bombard me just because in the past I have had an eating disorder? It's incredibly discouraging and minimizes the positive changes I've made in how I approach weight loss - things I am very proud of. The point of this post is mainly so anyone else who deals with it knows it's not just them. and it's not just eating disorders. Some people are just plain rude and nosey. Again, some. If someone is kindly concerned and polite about it - that's fine. But you shouldn't definitively tell someone they have issues when you really have no idea what is going on and there's no evidence of it.

NewGemini130

Try to remember that you know more about your own health and situation that we strangers
I've had similar negative experiences- and honestly it made me not reach out on the forums much, sadly. The negativity brings me down. Keep taking care of yourself! Friend me if you need a non-judgey buddy.

Verity1111

NewGemini130 wrote: »

Try to remember that you know more about your own health and situation that we strangers
I've had similar negative experiences- and honestly it made me not reach out on the forums much, sadly. The negativity brings me down. Keep taking care of yourself! Friend me if you need a non-judgey buddy.

I keep going to the forums because I have been here for years and to heck with those people lol If they don't like it then well too bad for them.

Also, I do know you don't know all the info! This is OK. But I just ask they remember it too. Say things with kindness. Don't tell me I have a problem when you don't know my entire history. ASK me or politely suggest am I certain I'm following a healthy plan or have I asked my doctor to approve it. Don't start attacking me or telling me what is or is not OK for me. That's all I ask! Someone who is generally concerned doesn't say "You're screwed up" or "See a psychiatrist" That's just ignorance not concern.

kimny72

You put a "mean people" thread in Motivation and Support?

You posted in a public forum, anyone can respond, and you can choose to respond to and take on board the good, and ignore the bad.

The people who commented on your previous ED were worried about you. I think the fact that a bunch of strangers on the internet took time out of their day to express concern that you might be hurting yourself is kind of awesome.

As an ED survivor, I would think you would be happy to see people trying to help, even if it turns out to be unnecessary, rather than turning a blind eye. How many people struggle for years because people don't want to be rude and call attention to something awkward? So you didn't need the concern. Thank them for trying and learn from whatever other suggestions you may have gotten.

This is an incredibly educational and supportive place, and as Dianne said, if anyone is actually rude, report them to the moderators.

Verity1111

kimny72 wrote: »

You put a "mean people" thread in Motivation and Support?

You posted in a public forum, anyone can respond, and you can choose to respond to and take on board the good, and ignore the bad.

The people who commented on your previous ED were worried about you. I think the fact that a bunch of strangers on the internet took time out of their day to express concern that you might be hurting yourself is kind of awesome.

As an ED survivor, I would think you would be happy to see people trying to help, even if it turns out to be unnecessary, rather than turning a blind eye. How many people struggle for years because people don't want to be rude and call attention to something awkward? So you didn't need the concern. Thank them for trying and learn from whatever other suggestions you may have gotten.

This is an incredibly educational and supportive place, and as Dianne said, if anyone is actually rude, report them to the moderators.

Uh yeah motivation and support that hey not everyone bites.

They weren't worried. All I asked was if my weight stalls should I eat more for a day. Stating I lost 3lbs in a week doesnt mean tell me I have a problem see a dr when I specifically stated I net 1200 calories.

Theres a difference between concern and ignorance and being rude. Saying Are you sure youre not undereating? is OK saying You have a problem is rude. Big difference.

dbanks80

Like you said people don't know you or your situation. So they make a baseline generalization and/or questions of what typically works or doesn't work. That is how forums work. You take what you need or is helpful for you and toss the rest. If you react to every comment/suggestion that does not pertain to your situation then that is on you.

If you know that some responses will trigger a reaction negatively then it would be best not to be on the forums.

kimny72

The way you are summarizing that thread is VERY different than the way I would.

I'm sorry you have such a negative view of this place. Best of luck to you.

Alatariel75

I think the other thing is that you can't expect people to forget what they know about you from another thread when they answer your new one. Threads don't exist in a bubble, it's people interacting with other people.

Say for instance, I learned in a thread that you were allergic to tomatoes. If you started a new thread saying "I'm going to have tomato salad for lunch!" I might say "Wait, aren't you allergic to tomatoes?"

So when people know you have previously suffered with an ED and you ask questions which may be harmless if you hadn't, but are concerning because you have, they're going to answer in that context.

That's not nosey. That's how human interaction works.

ninerbuff

Well in defense of others here, if someone asks a question without disclosure of a health issue, etc., then the advice they are given is in response is with the assumption that no health issue exists. I would never recommend a 500 calorie intake to someone in general population, but could see someone who's morbidly obese and doctor monitored doing it (VLCD).
If you're looking for specific help, then it might be better to PM people with knowledge so it doesn't become publicly known and also so you can get more concise advice.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Verity1111

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I think the other thing is that you can't expect people to forget what they know about you from another thread when they answer your new one. Threads don't exist in a bubble, it's people interacting with other people.

Say for instance, I learned in a thread that you were allergic to tomatoes. If you started a new thread saying "I'm going to have tomato salad for lunch!" I might say "Wait, aren't you allergic to tomatoes?"

So when people know you have previously suffered with an ED and you ask questions which may be harmless if you hadn't, but are concerning because you have, they're going to answer in that context.

That's not nosey. That's how human interaction works.

There's zero reason that someone with an ED who is recovered can't eat 1200 calories. Or cant enter a contest.

Being allergic to tomato isnt the same.

Verity1111

ninerbuff wrote: »

Well in defense of others here, if someone asks a question without disclosure of a health issue, etc., then the advice they are given is in response is with the assumption that no health issue exists. I would never recommend a 500 calorie intake to someone in general population, but could see someone who's morbidly obese and doctor monitored doing it (VLCD).
If you're looking for specific help, then it might be better to PM people with knowledge so it doesn't become publicly known and also so you can get more concise advice.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

The thing is they don't answer the question. They start commenting on unrelated things. That's the point.

ninerbuff

Verity1111 wrote: »

ninerbuff wrote: »

Well in defense of others here, if someone asks a question without disclosure of a health issue, etc., then the advice they are given is in response is with the assumption that no health issue exists. I would never recommend a 500 calorie intake to someone in general population, but could see someone who's morbidly obese and doctor monitored doing it (VLCD).
If you're looking for specific help, then it might be better to PM people with knowledge so it doesn't become publicly known and also so you can get more concise advice.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

The thing is they don't answer the question. They start commenting on unrelated things. That's the point.

I have ventured into only one of your threads, so I can't really comment much on reactions.
Let's face it, it's a public forum and you're not always going to get the info you're looking for as well as run in to people you'd probably not have an association with in real life. You take the advice that you want. Will it be the best? No idea, but having lots of input can help you make a better decision.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

SLLRunner

diannethegeek wrote: »

It's been my experience that every helpful poster on these forums, every single one, will be called rude, mean, negative, troll, bully, etc. at some point or another no matter how carefully they phrase their advice. Posts like this tend not to be very helpful. When every helpful poster is called out as mean at some point or another, then making a post like this without examples or qualifications just ends up pointing fingers at everyone.

There is some actual rudeness that goes above and beyond what should be acceptable here. Report it (use the actual report function not the flags) or call it out where you see it. But posts like this just add to the negative atmosphere that you're trying to combat instead of solving anything.

I agree with the bold part. I'm sure I'm as mean as anyone else here who has given non-woo solid advice. So be it, I would rather be honest.

kimny72

Verity1111 wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I think the other thing is that you can't expect people to forget what they know about you from another thread when they answer your new one. Threads don't exist in a bubble, it's people interacting with other people.

Say for instance, I learned in a thread that you were allergic to tomatoes. If you started a new thread saying "I'm going to have tomato salad for lunch!" I might say "Wait, aren't you allergic to tomatoes?"

So when people know you have previously suffered with an ED and you ask questions which may be harmless if you hadn't, but are concerning because you have, they're going to answer in that context.

That's not nosey. That's how human interaction works.

There's zero reason that someone with an ED who is recovered can't eat 1200 calories. Or cant enter a contest.

Being allergic to tomato isnt the same.

I was going to just back away, but I have to respond to this. There are plenty of reasons why entering a weight loss contest would be an awful idea for someone who had/has an ED. I don't think anyone is out of line in suggesting that, and certainly not being rude

thelovelyLIZ

Yo, negativity begets negativity. You're not doing anyone any favors with this post.

JaydedMiss

Beginning to get worried about the posts you keep posting >.<

Sued0nim

Verity1111 wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I think the other thing is that you can't expect people to forget what they know about you from another thread when they answer your new one. Threads don't exist in a bubble, it's people interacting with other people.

Say for instance, I learned in a thread that you were allergic to tomatoes. If you started a new thread saying "I'm going to have tomato salad for lunch!" I might say "Wait, aren't you allergic to tomatoes?"

So when people know you have previously suffered with an ED and you ask questions which may be harmless if you hadn't, but are concerning because you have, they're going to answer in that context.

That's not nosey. That's how human interaction works.

There's zero reason that someone with an ED who is recovered can't eat 1200 calories. Or cant enter a contest.

Being allergic to tomato isnt the same.

That's the problem it is exactly the same

One doesn't get cured of ED, one goes into recovery

A better analogy would be an alcoholic or drug taker in recovery than an allergy...it's the slippery slope

So while I appreciate your annoyance and frustration, they are correct in this matter and being truly supportive of you as an individual

You see support does not mean blindly cheerleading. It means supporting people to be healthy

try2again

I wasn't going to jump into this again either (and believe me, I won't comment anymore on your posts ), but I was thinking about your post from yesterday and figured out the problem from my perspective. You asked a question, I believe, "Should I eat more?" You insisted you only wanted people to answer your question, but the question was asked within the context of some other concerning things. Well, the answer to the question technically was, "No. Eating more is not the answer to not losing weight." But I think maybe many of us felt you were asking the wrong question. It would be like somebody saying, "I have a paper cut... should I put on a band-aid? You see, I was out taking a walk and got bitten by a dog and then on the way home, I fell and broke my arm, and when I got home, I checked my mail and got a paper cut, so should I put a band-aid on it?" Well, yes... put on a band-aid, but you might want to attend to some other stuff first! In the context of your post (and others, apparently), people encouraged you to get that dog bite looked at and the broken arm treated. People are trying to help. And if you don't want the extra advice, you may want to consider how you are presenting the question, or if the question needs posed at all (did you try researching the threads first?) You may be eating plenty and doing perfectly fine, but your posts come off like you're coming at this in an unbalanced way and without a lot of understanding. Maybe just relax, slow down, and keep educating yourself (but maybe not by making more threads). Wish you the best.

Verity1111

kimny72 wrote: »

Verity1111 wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I think the other thing is that you can't expect people to forget what they know about you from another thread when they answer your new one. Threads don't exist in a bubble, it's people interacting with other people.

Say for instance, I learned in a thread that you were allergic to tomatoes. If you started a new thread saying "I'm going to have tomato salad for lunch!" I might say "Wait, aren't you allergic to tomatoes?"

So when people know you have previously suffered with an ED and you ask questions which may be harmless if you hadn't, but are concerning because you have, they're going to answer in that context.

That's not nosey. That's how human interaction works.

There's zero reason that someone with an ED who is recovered can't eat 1200 calories. Or cant enter a contest.

Being allergic to tomato isnt the same.

I was going to just back away, but I have to respond to this. There are plenty of reasons why entering a weight loss contest would be an awful idea for someone who had/has an ED. I don't think anyone is out of line in suggesting that, and certainly not being rude

I disagree. and its the way it was said "That last thing you should be doing is___" thats no ones place to decide but me. if it makes me happy and its motivational for me then I can do it and will.