Won't listen to someone that is thin
starfish235
Posts: 129 Member
Over time I have had people ask me how I stay thin. They are working on losing weight. For great spances of time I have carefully counted every thing I eat. However they don't want to listen to me because I am thin. I know all this dieting and staying thin is basicly a state of mind. I know how to lose weight but I can't know because I am successful. Or you have lost weight recently and your friends very much hate you. Being thin is not cool. What are your experiences?
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Replies
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Perhaps it's not that they don't want to listen to you because you're thin, rather they don't believe it's as simple as eating less and moving more.4
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I'll answer this with the same answer I gave in this thread:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10484747/are-you-a-diet-drag#latest
I don't like talking about my diet. I get asked specific questions now and then but usually opt to answer the question as briefly as possible and then redirect.
"Yes, I eat a lot of vegetables ... I like vegetables ... those are nice shoes you've got!"
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They're usually looking for a 'secret'-as in one that will allow them to not actually change anything and give them results. I've been guilty of this (scrolling through weight loss searches on google, reading health and fitness magazines making unrealistic promises on the cover). Change is hard. And accepting the idea that change is actually needed is hard.
I'm under the belief that most people KNOW how to lose weight-its the matter of doing what needs to be done.9 -
why would they NOT want to listen to you? Clearly you are doing something right.3
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I'm still very much overweight, but I've been successful at losing weight in the past, and I've lost almost 40lbs now. My friends all have had weight issues, many of them topping 300lbs, a couple 400lbs. Some of them have successfully lost significant weight without "trying" (they joined a sport, started a new medication, or became depressed, etc) but regained it. None of my friends are interested in what I have to say about CICO or how to weigh food, or trying new workouts...What I do, is I first invite them to do an activity, a walk or swimming, or something active, once we are doing something, then I solidly identify myself with them- "I'm fat, being fat sucks, I'm right there with you" (in your case, maybe you can reflect on being overweight, and say mentally you're with them) and then work in some sage advice I've learned, and try to finish with something like "It's pretty unlikely that you or I will ever work out or eat a healthy meal and say 'I regret doing that' - there's nothing to hate about it."
Last night I excitedly told a friend (who wishes she could lose weight) about a 30day challenge I joined, I showed her the calendar, but I said "I don't know how to do a plank, can you show me?" and she more or less did without really doing one
but I practiced planks and a few burpees (which she had never done) to sort of raise the mood. Talk is cheap! I'm hoping I can really engage my friends by sensitive-but-in-your-face example. 5 -
Same issue, it's like they want a quick easy answer that doesn't involve hard work or time. We didn't gain the weight overnight, we won't lose it overnight! It takes focus and determination, being willing to get back on the wagon day after day, putting in the time to do CICO and the workouts! I usually just say my fitness pal and lots of gym time!! I figure I've given them the tools, I offer support if they are more interested, but usually by then I've lost them!1
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Even as I get compliments on my weight loss, I run into people unwilling to listen. I cannot tell you how many times people in my office have done "detoxes" or "cleanses" and then wondered why the weight came back a week later. And yet, they continually embark on new nonsense quests with more "detoxes" and "cleanses" as if somehow, the 4th (or 10th) time is going to work, when the first three (or nine) didn't. (I'll admit to being unsuccessful at losing weight quite a few times, but when I *was* successful it was because I changed something in my approach. This time it was using MFP. I had never actually counted calories before.)
I flat out tell the detox crew they're wasting their time and give reasons why and it doesn't penetrate their skulls. I tell them I have lost more than 40 pounds this year and I never once spent a week being miserable while drinking only some silly $10 a bottle juice. I continually recommend this site to folks but I am not sure any of them have signed up yet.
I once had a coworker tell me she tried counting calories once but she found she was only eating 1000 calories per day so that wasn't possibly her issue. (I refrained from telling her that she was surely counting incorrectly, based on her current body size, if all she came up with was 1000...)
I imagine I am getting ruder and snarkier about this every time the topic comes up in the office, so mostly I just keep my mouth shut these days.5 -
Same issue, it's like they want a quick easy answer that doesn't involve hard work or time. We didn't gain the weight overnight, we won't lose it overnight! It takes focus and determination, being willing to get back on the wagon day after day, putting in the time to do CICO and the workouts! I usually just say my fitness pal and lots of gym time!! I figure I've given them the tools, I offer support if they are more interested, but usually by then I've lost them!
^^ this.
Everybody wants you to say "I have the super-duper mega-secret method that'll let you lose 18 lbs per week while eating whatever you want!" When they realize your solution was putting the fork down and moving more, they glaze over and lose interest. When you get the ones that argue, that's just them justifying their condition to themselves.7 -
DanyellMcGinnis wrote: »I imagine I am getting ruder and snarkier about this every time the topic comes up in the office, so mostly I just keep my mouth shut these days.
^^ aaaaand also this for me as well. It's mostly not even worth having the conversation.
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Is this a situation where people are seeking your input on something by directly asking you for your opinion, and then they are not listening to you?
Or is this a situation where you are offering your opinion when it's not being asked?
I'm simply curious, not intending to imply anything.3 -
Agreed that they just don't want to do the work. They want the "magic pill" whereby you can just lose weight by eating everything you want and not moving.
I don't think it's that they don't want to listen to me when I tell them how I lost weight; it's that they don't want to do it.1 -
One of the best things I did when I began this journey is speak with someone who posts photos of food and drink constantly but stays thin. She told me she'd been chubby as a teen and worked her whole life to keep track of her calories and estimate in her head. I've known this lady for over 20 years, and I never noticed her portions. But some people are definitely looking for a quick fix, not a long term lifestyle.3
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I've now had several people approach me and ask "how did you do it?" with regard to losing weight and getting in shape. I tell them briefly and then just let it go. I assume that people are info gathering rather than coming to me as an ultimate expert whose ways they will emulate.0
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I never tell anyone that they should lose weight or suggest things. They come and ask me. I have counted my calories since I was 45. I am very near my 60th birthday. When I was 45 I was 25 lbs lighter than I am now. People tell me I don't need to worry about my weight. Because do I worry about it is why I don't have a weight problem any more. I hate it that when someone has lots 100 lbs that they get bullied by their heavy friends. You know I would have more friends if I put on 50 lb.1
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Would you want more friends because you put on 50 pounds? I certainly wouldn't want to keep their company if my weight is a deciding factor...better off without those judgy judgersons.
Without wanting to, you kinda join a club when you are overweight, there's an understanding that others do not always have. When someone loses weight, they are no longer part of that club, yet retain that understanding of what it's like. If they're getting picked on by the heavier ones, it has everything to do with the heavies' own insecurities. Personally, I don't allow someone to make me feel bad simply because they feel bad about themselves.1 -
I don't talk about my weight loss amongst other people really. My cousin said that she has put of visiting because I've lost weight and she's worried I'll think she looks like crap. I told her that was ridiculous I'd never think that. I don't know if she's just using that as an excuse or what but I'm not going to stop. I love who I am now and I'm only halfway there. I've ALWAYS been overweight so I'm sure it will be a lot for everyone who knows me to process but if they change just because I lost weight then that's their problem.1
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starfish235 wrote: »You know I would have more friends if I put on 50 lb.
Why?
If that is really the case, then maybe it's time to go to active places and find friends there.
Join an active club ... a cycling club, a hiking club, a kayaking club, a triathlon club, or a club of whatever sport interests you.
Join a gym and start attending some of the classes so you can meet people there.
Check out the "What's On" in your area ... and start training for the latest challenges, marathons, etc. etc. Often those sorts of events have training groups that get together.
I am fortunate in that I work in an office with a lot of fit and active people. But I'm also a member of a cycling club and have been a member of several different cycling clubs over the past 20+ years.
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I was an overweight toddler, youth, teen, obese adult, morbidly obese adult. My brother was a perfect weight all of his youth and all of his adult life. His wife has been her same skinny self all her life and she's my age, 54. I visited overnight once with my brother. His wife cooked a pasta dish which was just enough for each of us to get just one serving, and I was a fat slob at the time who would have preferred to eat 2 or 3 times as much as she put on my plate. But I wasn't a blind fat slob. I saw what portion control looked like and connected her cooking 'just enough' to them eating 'just enough'.4
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They ask you and then don't want to listen to you? In the same conversation? Either you're not saying what they want to hear (which is not your problem) or they're not really looking for a solution in the first place. I've found that a lot of time when the subject comes up, friends want commiseration rather than a plan of action. I would just keep the convo short and try to steer towards topics where you do have common ground. Unfortunately or fortunately, this is not an area where you're relatable to them anymore. You'll know when someone is actually ready to hear your advice, cause they'll listen to you.1
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People like to think anyone skinny iss naturally skinny, And life is unfair. And their forever fat because "genetics" Its pretty *kitten* really lol. Excuses make them feel beter.4
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Do you have a picture from when you were heavy? If so just keep it on your phone and show people when they ask- that will make them take you seriously!
Honestly I do have a hard time taking advice on weight loss from someone who has never had a weight problem, because those folks tend to be ectomorphs with crazy high metabolisms, or those weird people that don't care about food or enjoy eating... maybe your friends think you are one of those people? Just show them that picture to proove you were once heavy too.
I once had one of those forever skinny people scoff at my weight loss efforts and say "just eat like I do and you'll lose weight!"... well this girl started every day with a large full fat full sugar white chocolate mocha latte and had some form of fast food for lunch, and did not skip breakfast or dinner... If I ate the way she did I would gain 10 pounds in a week! I don't think she realized how fast her metabolism was and how lucky she was to be able to eat so much & stay thin.
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Meh, I just tell them the website here, and the basis is counting calories.0
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starfish235 wrote: »Over time I have had people ask me how I stay thin. They are working on losing weight. For great spances of time I have carefully counted every thing I eat. However they don't want to listen to me because I am thin. I know all this dieting and staying thin is basicly a state of mind. I know how to lose weight but I can't know because I am successful. Or you have lost weight recently and your friends very much hate you. Being thin is not cool. What are your experiences?
When I originally lost the bulk of my weight I started dieting with both my mother and best friend. We were all overweight and wanted to do something about it. A year or so later we were all still dieting. I was nearly 40lbs down and the two of them had struggled with sticking to things and gained all and more weight back. I started maintaining and they would talk to each other about going on a diet again or complain about being fat or propose crazy fads to each other. If I at all opened my mouth to say anything at all they would literally tell me to shut up because I was a skinny b**** and didn't know what I was talking about. They had actually forgotten that I was fat and had loss weight successfully. Any advice I had was annoying noise to them because they had already tried the methods I used and failed simply because they have no will power. This unfortunately is how the average overweight person see people at their ideal weight. Loosing weight is hard so it is easier to believe thin or fit people are magical unicorns who just appeared in the world possessing abs and a small waist.0 -
kenyonhaff wrote: »Meh, I just tell them the website here, and the basis is counting calories.
That's what I do if anyone asks.And even though it so far has been successful for me I think it sounds boring or maybe too much hard work. None of the people I know have given it a go. But if I said 5.2 or cayenne pepper with honey eyes would light up. Otherwise it's paying to weigh yourself weekly. Fair enough, so I say as little as possible and only speak about it if asked.
OP there are people who believe that slim people are magical they don't realise effort is involved to stay this way. This is why it's important for those of us who have lost weight to keep our eyes on the ball to ensure it doesn't pile back on1 -
This isn't just a problem with dieting it is how it is with most things. Most people only see the outside result not the hard work that went into it. They see you wearing skinny jeans, but they don't see the 5am workouts.1
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I am formerly obese, now a healthy weight. I've found that lifelong thin people often annoy me and give others bad advice (and are oblivious that they are giving bad advice), because (for some) maintenance of a healthy weight was easy and effortless and they never put a lot of thought into it. They just didn't have an intense appetite, or care that much about food, or were naturally active enough that they could eat a lot, or never had any of the emotional struggles that fueled my eating, never had lost weight more than a few pounds and had no concept of what a huge and life altering project it can be. So they seemed to think it was simple and natural to be thin and talked to me in a superior or dismissive tone, like I was clearly dense to not get it. Gave me methods without recognizing that simply knowing them would not fix my problem... my problem wasn't a knowledge gap (WHAT! You mean I'm supposed to eat less food!!?? Never knew....) but was with overcoming the physical and psychological struggles involved with implementing that advice. They had nothing to offer me in terms of the actual struggle I was coping with and seemed annoyed at the suggestion that I didn't quite experience this struggle the same way as they did.
It's is like an alcoholic getting simplistic tips about how to stay sober from a person who never struggled to drink in moderation. Or the person who has always had a fairly stable and happy marriage/kids who never caused them trouble/made straight As in school while barely studying/was always a popular social butterfly trying to explain how to pull your marriage from the brink of divorce/help your kids whose lives are out of control/how to deal with a learning disability/ how to overcome debilitating social anxiety.
These are all different issues, but the common thread is that when people never have a special struggle in a specific area they often don't appreciate how hard it can be for others who do struggle in that area, The things that are hard for others just seem like common sense to them. They never have to develop strategies to overcome those struggles or even appear to realize that the struggle exists. This is why thin people giving weight loss advice can be annoying. So....if you are a thin person who really DID experience that struggle of losing a whole person off of you like I did, and found strategies to cope and overcome that struggle, I would encourage you to consider opening up about that to those who ask your advice. It will make you feel more vulnerable, but will help them understand something useful to them and they might not shut you down as one of those thin people who who never had a real problem in the first place and doesn't get them or know what you are talking about.5 -
Docbanana2002 wrote: »I am formerly obese, now a healthy weight. I've found that lifelong thin people often annoy me and give others bad advice (and are oblivious that they are giving bad advice), because (for some) maintenance of a healthy weight was easy and effortless and they never put a lot of thought into it. They just didn't have an intense appetite, or care that much about food, or were naturally active enough that they could eat a lot, or never had any of the emotional struggles that fueled my eating, never had lost weight more than a few pounds and had no concept of what a huge and life altering project it can be. So they seemed to think it was simple and natural to be thin and talked to me in a superior or dismissive tone, like I was clearly dense to not get it. Gave me methods without recognizing that simply knowing them would not fix my problem... my problem wasn't a knowledge gap (WHAT! You mean I'm supposed to eat less food!!?? Never knew....) but was with overcoming the physical and psychological struggles involved with implementing that advice. They had nothing to offer me in terms of the actual struggle I was coping with and seemed annoyed at the suggestion that I didn't quite experience this struggle the same way as they did.
It's is like an alcoholic getting simplistic tips about how to stay sober from a person who never struggled to drink in moderation. Or the person who has always had a fairly stable and happy marriage/kids who never caused them trouble/made straight As in school while barely studying/was always a popular social butterfly trying to explain how to pull your marriage from the brink of divorce/help your kids whose lives are out of control/how to deal with a learning disability/ how to overcome debilitating social anxiety.
These are all different issues, but the common thread is that when people never have a special struggle in a specific area they often don't appreciate how hard it can be for others who do struggle in that area, The things that are hard for others just seem like common sense to them. They never have to develop strategies to overcome those struggles or even appear to realize that the struggle exists. This is why thin people giving weight loss advice can be annoying. So....if you are a thin person who really DID experience that struggle of losing a whole person off of you like I did, and found strategies to cope and overcome that struggle, I would encourage you to consider opening up about that to those who ask your advice. It will make you feel more vulnerable, but will help them understand something useful to them and they might not shut you down as one of those thin people who who never had a real problem in the first place and doesn't get them or know what you are talking about.
This!0 -
Also does anyone ever get bad advice from people who struggle to lose weight but never keep it off? I've finally lost enough weight to be noticeable and when people talk to me about it they can't really accept my simple method of eating less than TDEE, more than BMR, counting calories, getting enough protein, and working out. You'd think that would be plenty, but they all seem to think there's more to it and think I must have cut out whole food groups or cut out carbs or be starving myself with 1000 calories... no! They try to tell me what is bad and what is good and what I should do- it's kind of funny! I mean... who is losing weight and who isn't? And I've tried all that other silly stuff before without it working or it goes against what I'm doing now that is working so I know it's nonsense.
Anyone else ever have that happen?0 -
Looking for magic solutions is why people in the United States are dieting more than ever -- and growing fatter than ever. See this animated map:
http://www.americanobesity.org/obesityInAmerica.htm
But you know what? It's not about them, it's about you. I really don't care what others think or say. I told someone recently I had 10-15 pounds to lose still and was told: I don't want to get too thin. And that person is not thin by any measure.
Friends who hate you because you're thin -- those are not friends worth having.1 -
Are people seeking your counsel or are you offering unsolicited advice? I don't talk to anyone about anything unless they specifically inquire and seek my counsel. I've never had anyone not listen to me when they are specifically seeking my advice...that doesn't mean they're necessarily ready to follow said advice though.2
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