Unsupportive partners?

NatureChik1985

That isn't being unsupportive. He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours. No one has to change for you. You are trying to lose weight and get healthy, he absolutely does not have to go along with what you are doing just because you want him too. Shame on you for thinking he has to change his life just because you have.

I now see why the divorce rate is so high.

ThinLizzie0802

That isn't being unsupportive. He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours. No one has to change for you. You are trying to lose weight and get healthy, he absolutely does not have to go along with what you are doing just because you want him too. Shame on you for thinking he has to change his life just because you have.

I now see why the divorce rate is so high.

Really? So you are supposed to remain in a relationship where you have bettered yourself and the other person hasn't? THAT is not why the divorce rate is high. There is no shame in wanting a partner who has the same passions as you do. Especially when it comes to a serious life change like this. This isn't a "you don't like the same music" sort of thing. This is exactly one of the areas of your life you should be in sync on. Your partner doesn't have to eat identical to you..not saying that, but when they can't even be bothered to be an active part of your new life then it is time to let go.

dandelyon

Occasionally, my husband's sedentary lifestyle causes some tension between us, but I have tried to keep my mouth shut - about him- while celebrating my own victories and talking about how great I feel to be eating lots of delicious food and losing weight, how addicted I am to my morning run. Sitting on his lap and making him look at my new running shoes LOL. Little by little my husband is becoming more active in terms of taking the kids or the dog out for a walk, as well as noticing that he feels better when he eats better.

Whether or not to be in a relationship with him is NOT an issue. Everyone changes, for better or for worse, not in the same ways, not at the same rate. Our 12 years of marriage has had a lot of ebb and flow, and I know that he's moving toward a healthier version of himself, at his own pace.

ThinLizzie0802

Also, keep in mind the OP said bf not husband and did not mention kids involved. So she has the perfect chance to make a decision on where her future goes. Situations are different when you are married and have children, but when those decisions have yet to be made then right now is the time to decide what type of person will make the best husband and father if that is what you are looking for. Do not tell the OP shame on her for debating critical decisions about her future well being. Do not tell her she is the reason why divorce is high. I am 25 and currently in the same boat- debating a relationship I have been in for three years. I love my bf but am I certain he can be a part of my new improved life? No. There is nothing wrong with that!!!!

Deekay8008

He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours.

Hmmm.....within reason.

It's a partnership, things have to be agreed and negotiated to make it work long term, untimately you both have to make sacrifices to make it work, it's complex.

It was at the point where I didn't want to make changes or make any sacrifices for my ex, I didn't want his needs to be equal to mine, because mine ultimately felt way more important that I knew it should end.

spickard34

My husband is kinda the oppsoite he is fit from work so he does not need to workout. I take workout time as me time and would never think to ask him to join in. I like it me and my music. Also Cooking I make a Meat for both of us and I make usually frozen veggies for me and a side for him possibly fries, rice, noodles something that he likes. That is our meals if I make him pizza I make something for myself. I know I sound like a sucker for catering to him but he works crazy hours and works his butt off all day so I figure the least I can do it make dinner. If dinner is not enough theres snacks he can eat no biggie. I think you just need to talk to him and find a healthy medium. Tell him how you feel too because even at my heaviest my man was supportive, smacking on the butt telling me I looked great. Mind you I think it is more sincer now lol.

ThinLizzie0802

He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours.

Hmmm.....within reason.

It's a partnership, things have to be agreed and negotiated to make it work long term, untimately you both have to make sacrifices to make it work, it's complex.

It was at the point where I didn't want to make changes or make any sacrifices for my ex, I didn't want his needs to be equal to mine, because mine ultimately felt way more important that I knew it should end.

I totally agree with the above poster's response.

VorJoshigan

My mom had this modification of the serenity prayer posted on her fridge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

You're in a relationship, not a new being that's half you and half him.

JaxDemon

The main issue you face is your lives are heading in different paths so with that in mind you could end up drifting apart. No doubt when you reach your target your confidence will be sky high so this might play a huge factor in things as well.

lauren3101

I actually just can't get over the amount of people that seem to think just leaving the guy is the best way forward in this.

When this couple got together, this obviously wasn't an issue. One person in the relationship has now decided to make some drastic changes to their lifestyle, and because the other hasn't immediately followed suit, they are 'drifting apart'.

OP, don't even bother talking to him or resolving it like adults. Who does that now? Just break up.

JaxDemon

I actually just can't get over the amount of people that seem to think just leaving the guy is the best way forward in this.

When this couple got together, this obviously wasn't an issue. One person in the relationship has now decided to make some drastic changes to their lifestyle, and because the other hasn't immediately followed suit, they are 'drifting apart'.

OP, don't even bother talking to him or resolving it like adults. Who does that now? Just break up.

For me I think the issue is 'They could drift apart' She has different goals in life to him now, It was clear they both have just enjoyed eating whatever whenever and now that's changed for her. It don't mean it needs to change for him but I could see her losing all this weight, being bored with her unsupportive partner and then off looking for something else that she's not getting at home.

I defo agree she needs to talk to him. If her partner is lacking in energy levels then I highly recommend the DP keto Diet. After 4-7 days ya bouncing off the walls with energy lol

NatureChik1985

He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours.

Hmmm.....within reason.

It's a partnership, things have to be agreed and negotiated to make it work long term, untimately you both have to make sacrifices to make it work, it's complex.

It was at the point where I didn't want to make changes or make any sacrifices for my ex, I didn't want his needs to be equal to mine, because mine ultimately felt way more important that I knew it should end.

I agree that it is a partnership, but people should not have to change to be in a relationship. My husband and I support each other in our differences, no one has to compromise who they are. I think my husband and I have it under control. We know how to make it work long term.

But again I can totally see why the divorce is so high.

trinitylyons01

My mom had this modification of the serenity prayer posted on her fridge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

You're in a relationship, not a new being that's half you and half him.

This!

I think what quite a few people are forgetting is everyone makes decisions about their health at their own pace. Maybe your bf is not ready now but that doesn't mean he may not be ready down the line. Getting rid of him doesn't have to be a first resort! (Goodness gracious people!) :-) It also does not mean that you will forever be in this fitness journey alone. He may very well have an "AHA" moment and realize he needs to be healthier. Remember there was a time when you weren't ready to live a healthy lifestyle either. Something clicked for you and you decided to change. Is it really fair of you to be upset because he didn't get ready for that change when you did? That was your decision for you. You cannot expect him to change simply because you have. He has to want it for himself and maybe one day he will.

You need to remember the only person you can - and should try to - change is yourself. As difficult as it may be to make healthy choices when you're around him it is still up to you to make those choices. There are always things and people around who will sabotage your efforts. When we give in we give them power over us. My husband and I are both trying to lose weight but we never seem to be in sync. Sometimes he's all in and other times I'm all in. Because of this I struggle. He tends to eat very late at night. I do not metabolize food well after 7 pm so I try to finish eating before then. But then I smell his Chinese food or the other delicious items he has brought home. I have found that I need a plan for ME so I don't give in. It's not realistic for me to ask him not to eat late just to benefit me. He works in corporate America and sometimes doesn't get home until 7. Also, it's his life. We are two different people and we have to respect that. When I see that he's off his plan I do, however, continue to ask him to workout with me or ask him can I fix him a nice healthy parfait for breakfast or something healthy for dinner. If he says no I respect that and move on. Yes I want him to be healthy. Yes I worry about all the weight related health issues that are out there but I cannot FORCE him to change. One day we will both do what we need to do on a daily basis because we need and WANT to do it. Until that time I respect his choice just like he respected mine when I was acting like a lazy piglet.

I would NEVER consider leaving my husband due to these differences. Better or worse, remember? :-) I have also seen people here say that he is "only" your BF and not your husband and you need to decide whether he can be a part of the new life you want. To that I just want to say he is YOUR boyfriend. YOURS! I respect everyone's right to decide what they need in their lives so I respect your right to make the same decision. Please do not let anyone encourage you to leave a man who gives you what you need in all areas except this one - even though it is a major one. You can find ways to work around the things he does. Immediately throw away stuff you know you can't handle having in the house. And I mean in the outside trash can. When he's eating junk find another area of your home to hang out in until he's done or find something else to do. It may sound like a lot of effort but if this is the man you love and you want to be with him you need to understand that you may have to make these types of decisions and take these types of actions to stay on your journey. You are the only one who can decide how much you love him and how much (and how long) you can take his actions. Breaking up and staying can be difficult choices and each have benefits and drawbacks.

To be honest, I do think he is purposely sabotaging you. It's one thing for HIM to choose not to eat healthy and not to exercise. But if you have asked him NOT to bring YOU certain items and he constantly does he may subconsciously be doing it on purpose. That is a conversation you really need to have. He's obviously afraid of something - losing you, maybe? You need to constantly reiterate that you do NOT want him to bring you foods that are not on your plan. Give him a list if you need to. Then if he keeps doing it you have a problem. You will need to find a way to fix it - whatever that may be.

Anyway, back to your question. You need to have some "emergency" options in your freezer that work with your plan. I know unprocessed foods are best BUT it would be better to have a lean cuisine meal or some frozen soup that you can grab in a bind than to starve all day, eat high calorie junk food or have to spend an arm and a leg just to eat. You need to take notice of what happens that throws you off of your schedule/plan and have backup plans to work with. When BF is eating junk have some yogurt. Save calories for later in the day if you know you will need to have a snack to distract you from what he is eating. Keep an EXTRA $5 in your purse in a hidden compartment to make it easier to get a healthy meal. Make a plan that revolves around the problems you are facing. But plan for the issues you seem to face regularly. If he keeps you from going to the gym because he has the car find videos for the house. There are many you can even do from the computer. I find the Brazil Butt lift cardio Axe video on You Tube!

Finally, after having a serious talk with him about your goals and how you would like him to help you (not to change himself) make your plan and stick to it. Maybe you can end up doing so well that you motivate him to want it for himself. But, even if you don't being healthier will be a prize in and of itself.

Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps!

lknjohnson

bump. Like the responses. I'm kind of having the same issue.

Run4Me2Day

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Run4Me2Day

I am struggling right now so badly. I have lost 22 lbs since April 2012. I was really determined to change my life that pretty much evolved around food. I love cooking and love food, so does my bf of 7 years... He is overweight but not too much. The main problem is he does not care for healthy food or exercising AT ALL. If I make something healthy (which I constantly do) he will eat it BUT if he ever cooks than it is always something unhealthy,fatty,bacon filled....
He refuses to go to a gym or do any kind of exercises saying that is he too tired after work, will never go work out, does not have time etc etc...

I have been doing really good on my weight loss until recently, but it is so hard to keep going when I feel like I am the only one who cares or tries ( I would work a 10 hours shift and then still drag my *kitten* to a gym class at 8.30 pm) This morning just put me over the edge, my bf drives our car to work and back, he did not get home in time for me to go grocery shopping so this morning we had nothing to pack for lunch.... He just said: oh go buy something (while making sure I fir into my $5 a day eating out budget)....he did not care that I can not possible buy anything healthy for that much, which means I am going to starve myself all day until I can get to a grocery store after work and go home to cook some food.

Any ideas on how to cope with partners who do not care/do not want to do anything about a lifestyle change? (Leaving him is not an option:)) as he is an absolutely wonderful person in all other aspects of life).

I fully understand where you are coming from. My fiance eats by himself usually before I get home and then sometimes one or two more times through the night. I try to buy healthier food when I go to the store and he picks up the sweets. I did get him to go for a walk with me one night, and I think he regreted it. I just do my thing and try not to let it bother me that he doesn't want to workout with me. I try to make better choices for myself and if he follows great. I love him either way.

Deekay8008

I agree that it is a partnership, but people should not have to change to be in a relationship. My husband and I support each other in our differences, no one has to compromise who they are. I think my husband and I have it under control. We know how to make it work long term.

But again I can totally see why the divorce is so high.

You see I don't want to argue with you, as I truly do agree with the premise of what you're saying, people shouldn't have to compromise themselves to be in a relationship, their core belief and values especially. However, saying -

"People should not have to change to be in a relationship"

Is just a fallacy, you both have to change in many ways and that change is a continuous process as a relationship deepens and evolves year on year and each of your priorities, aspirations and motivations change, sometimes together and sometimes differently and if it doesn't happen in a complimentary way to each other it can have major consequences. I'll leave it there.

dvelocity

My husband would tell you that he is supportive and I would tell you that he is not. We work together at the same company same hours. We ride together and go to lunch together and eat dinner together. When we go home his idea is to watch TV or go hang out with friends at the bar.

Meals we don't really have a problem with I eat what he eats but I eat smaller portions and supplement my meal with adding more veggies. Going out to eat. I really have no problem going out to eat as well as I make smart decisions. Sometime if I am stressed out or feeling lousy I request not to go out to eat because I know that the decision making part of my brain is not working properly. Sometimes I don't.

Afterwork - hey if you want to watch tv fine but watch that show I don't like because I need to get my workout in. Night to hang out with friends, fine If he wants to have all that beer it does not mean that I have to.

So sometimes I will tell you that he is unsupportive because I want to say that the reason all the temptation is around me is because of him. That is just an exscuse, I want to transpose the blame on him. But I know deep inside that all the choices lie with me. I have to choose what to eat when to eat when to exercise and when not to.

If he was not in my life I am sure that I would blame my stressful job, or the way my mom raised me, or the prices at the store for reasons why I have a hard time losing weight. Honestly, I am my worst enemy.

My husband would never come home and say I brought pizza and you eat that or you starve. He would never say no you can not work out you must sit and watch tv with me. He lets me make my own choices. If I choose to sit and watch tv or I choose to eat that pizza he supports my decision. He might even question my decision. He is not pointing out my failure to do the right thing. He is supporting me by giving me an opportunity to do something different about it.

I write this because yes, I want to say all the time, probably every day that my husband is unspportive. But when I really think about it I know that it is not true.

NatureChik1985

I agree that it is a partnership, but people should not have to change to be in a relationship. My husband and I support each other in our differences, no one has to compromise who they are. I think my husband and I have it under control. We know how to make it work long term.

But again I can totally see why the divorce is so high.

You see I don't want to argue with you, as I truly do agree with the premise of what you're saying, people shouldn't have to compromise themselves to be in a relationship, their core belief and values especially. However, saying -

"People should not have to change to be in a relationship"

Is just a fallacy, you both have to change in many ways and that change is a continuous process as a relationship deepens and evolves year on year and each of your priorities, aspirations and motivations change, sometimes together and sometimes differently and if it doesn't happen in a complimentary way to each other it can have major consequences. I'll leave it there.

My husband and I must just operate differently than other married couples. Oh well, maybe that is why we are still married and more importantly happy.

Deekay8008

Urrgh, I told myself I wouldn't repond to this but here I am.

I'm not saying you operate differently, (I can't actually believe that is what/all you took from my post, is life to you really that black and white?!)

I was saying that you were making a rather sweeping statement earlier when you stated with 100% convinction that people shouldn't need to change for each other in a marriage which looking at your response I feel was perhaps because you didn't give the idea of change, even if in small increments, enough thought. Compromise for instance is a form of change, is it not? Ach, forget it, what's the point.