Unsupportive partners?

glovepuppet

I think, op, you're being completely unreasonable.
Don't like what he cooks? Make your own.
Why should he go to the gym?

NatureChik1985

Urrgh, I told myself I wouldn't repond to this but here I am.

I'm not saying you operate differently, (I can't actually believe that is what/all you took from my post, is life to you really that black and white?!)

I was saying that you were making a rather sweeping statement earlier when you stated with 100% convinction that people shouldn't need to change for each other in a marriage which looking at your response I feel was perhaps because you didn't give the idea of change, even if in small increments, enough thought. Compromise for instance is a form of change, is it not? Ach, forget it, what's the point.

You can believe what ever you like. I am happily married to an amazing man (celebrating 9 years together). By all means believe what you want. You said you have an ex and I assume that your relationship failed for whatever reason, so I think my husband and I will keep believing in our own philosophy.

After reading this thread I really feel bad for some of your husbands.

Tiffa0909

This is not directed to the op but in general I think sometimes people us the "'someone is sabotaging me'' as an excuse for not having the will power .

When i first started my journey no one in my family was eating healthy and as a matter of fact I was forced to go and buy them fast foods and junk. I use to say that they were not supportive and were sabotaging me , but the reality is that it was me all along.

Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean that everyone has to stop eating it , just because I can't sit and watch TV doesn't mean that everyone has to stop.

He is not going to burn the calories for you or step on the scale with you.

Deekay8008

Urrgh, I told myself I wouldn't repond to this but here I am.

I'm not saying you operate differently, (I can't actually believe that is what/all you took from my post, is life to you really that black and white?!)

I was saying that you were making a rather sweeping statement earlier when you stated with 100% convinction that people shouldn't need to change for each other in a marriage which looking at your response I feel was perhaps because you didn't give the idea of change, even if in small increments, enough thought. Compromise for instance is a form of change, is it not? Ach, forget it, what's the point.

You can believe what ever you like. I am happily married to an amazing man (celebrating 9 years together). By all means believe what you want. You said you have an ex and I assume that your relationship failed for whatever reason, so I think my husband and I will keep believing in our own philosophy.

After reading this thread I really feel bad for some of your husbands.

Hmmm...I did mention my ex in support of another writer, you remember her, right? The one who was going through a difficult time in her own life and you decided to bascially verbally bash and make a rather crass comment about the divorce rate. Yeah, that's actually why this whole conversation started, or did you forget?

I am married btw (for 4 years) However, I often feel that people who think the years they are married stand as some kind of "success" in life indicator are rather unfortunately mistaken.

And as for feeling sorry for some of our husbands, get over yourself - it's probably good at this point to remember that pride always comes before a fall and when self-satisfaction and smugness such as yours is expressed in a condemming way this is usually repaid by life.

EDIT: Having just realised that you pick fights all over the place on this forum, I think I will bow out at this point, DFTT e.t.c.

naterciarodrigues58

My boyfriend is the most supportive partner one could ever get - however, he does not JOIN me in my journey, he does not eat healhty and does not exercise. He knows I have my food and he has his. I'm cooking for myself, if he wants some, ok, if not, he cooks. If I need to shop for food, I go shopping, he can come if he wants to. He's my partner but he's not living in my body nor is he responsible for it - I AM. I make my choices and make my way. He supports me by noticing the difference and understanding that I have different choices, he gives me motivation when I lack it and I have to admit I notice he does hold back when it comes to bringing bad food home because he doesn't want to "tempt" me. However, most of the times, he has his fatty, greasy, whatever food he wants, and I have my planned healthy choices.

Whatever choice HE makes, is not YOURS. Make YOUR choices. He doesn't have to change with you to support you, and NO ONE but yourself is responsible for your choices.

SteviMcEwan

I am struggling right now so badly. I have lost 22 lbs since April 2012. I was really determined to change my life that pretty much evolved around food. I love cooking and love food, so does my bf of 7 years... He is overweight but not too much. The main problem is he does not care for healthy food or exercising AT ALL. If I make something healthy (which I constantly do) he will eat it BUT if he ever cooks than it is always something unhealthy,fatty,bacon filled....
He refuses to go to a gym or do any kind of exercises saying that is he too tired after work, will never go work out, does not have time etc etc...

I have been doing really good on my weight loss until recently, but it is so hard to keep going when I feel like I am the only one who cares or tries ( I would work a 10 hours shift and then still drag my *kitten* to a gym class at 8.30 pm) This morning just put me over the edge, my bf drives our car to work and back, he did not get home in time for me to go grocery shopping so this morning we had nothing to pack for lunch.... He just said: oh go buy something (while making sure I fir into my $5 a day eating out budget)....he did not care that I can not possible buy anything healthy for that much, which means I am going to starve myself all day until I can get to a grocery store after work and go home to cook some food.

Any ideas on how to cope with partners who do not care/do not want to do anything about a lifestyle change? (Leaving him is not an option:)) as he is an absolutely wonderful person in all other aspects of life).

I understand completely. Though I am the other way around. My husband is UNDERWEIGHT. (9st at 6ft tall). I am trying to encourage him to work out with me and change the way he eats because he doesn't eat enough. He lives off crisps and sweets, full fat fizzy juice and chicken. He doesn't understand how hard it is to try and lose weight with all this temptation around. He also moans about him being underweight but wont do anything about it. I cant prepare a meal for 2 because he won't eat anything i make (or try it for that matter - he is like a petulant child when it comes to food) so we are spending more money every month cause i am having to prepare two meals at dinner time every day.
I am not sure what advice to give you but i promise that if i get my hubby to come around i will let you know how i did it x

workout_ninja

You cant force your partner to make all the changes you are making just so you have someone to do it with. If he doesnt want to do it, then why should he? Now, that being said, he really must learn to be more supportive when he cooks dinner.

Maybe you should speak to him about the things he cooks. Even to the point of "if you are going to fry the food, can you just grill mine instead and give me half" - its all about baby step.

And if he is late home with the car, phone him and ask him to pick you up things at the shops.

If he has been your partner for 7 years, why cant you talk to him???

toad493lbs

If you love someone and they have a real problem you do all YOU CAN to SUPPORT them. Its called LOVE! If she had a drug problem everyone would be telling him how unthoughtful he is. Because its just food well then hes OK?

fuzzieme

I'm a bit like this too, but I just be independent of him in that aspect of my life. I don't see any point in trying to make him join in, and he makes me feel like I'm making too much noise when I'm trying to exercise, but he doesn't mean any harm. The only reason he thinks I should lose weight is to make myself happier, which is nice.

My advise would be just to not expect him to get in any way involved. He doesn't have to, and that shouldn't bother you. You wouldn't want him to make you do something you weren't interested in. Try keeping things in the house that you can fall back on in case of emergency, like a can of mixed means or sweetcorn and some cous cous. Not perfectly balanced but hydrate your cous cous, mix them together with some thai sweet chili or dry herbs and spices, whatever you like. If you have a pepper in the fridge and some spring onions, so much the better. At least when you're stuck you can have a cous cous salad to bring, which takes no time to put together and will be satisfying until you can get dinner.

Just remember, you're your own person, and so is he. You both need space to be yourselves, and expecting things of him that he just isn't interested in will set you up for disappointment.

Maybe he'll get interested when you're all lean and even more gorgeous, and he'll think about joining in, but he has to make that decision himself

T0FatToB3S1ck

"it is so hard to keep going when I feel like I am the only one who cares or tries" You are the one who wants to go to the gym, change your lifestyle and lose weight. Not him. Why should he have to care or try. I honestly think you are being a bit selfish and slightly controlling. He didn't try to force you to work out and lose weight. You made that choice on your own. You shouldn't be trying to force him to change just because you are.

And $5 budget for take out. You know, in my area they have gas stations that have sandwiches made that are 310 calories and only $3. There are plenty of options. Don't look for a cop out.

rml_16

Oh good God, leave him alone!

mmm_drop

You are doing this for you you, right? You cannot rely on anyone else to push you or or cook for you or sweat for you. Just keep plugging along doing what you do. In the end you are the only one that can truly support the change in your own life.

tigersword

I think part of the problem is a lack of understanding of 'healthy' food. Why is fatty food unhealthy? Why is bacon bad? Bacon is actually very healthy, almost as good a source of monounsaturated fats as olive oil, plus a bunch of extra protein. Seems like you're trying to be ultra restrictive (for no reason.)

If you both love food, what's wrong with enjoying real food? It's called portion control, you don't have to eat truckloads of good food, eat what fits in your calorie goals.

srslybritt

Talk it out with him, let him know you feel this way, and work out what the both of you decide is best. A bunch of strangers on a forum aren't going to be able to analyze your relationship in a way that will put together a resolution that will truly make you happy. This is your issue, as a couple, and you need to communicate your feelings with him and have that conversation. It's not fair not to give him a chance to a) defend himself, b) realize what he's doing, and c) possibly change his behavior.

TL;DR: Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If he's as great as you say, he'll at least see where you're coming from.

AniOnFire

People grow apart it happens. If you want a partner who will go every step of the way with you like that you should talk to him about it and if he doesn't want to change at least some of his behavior to compliment your changes, leave him... leave him or he'll suck you right back into where you were before you started.

It's not a bad thing to suggest this, and to think so is a bit on the unreasonable side. My parents got a divorce after 26 years of living together because, their lifestyles grew so different there was little that overlapped anymore. She worked out nightly and liked to go dancing and he liked to sit at home drink beer and eat fast food most nights. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel that sort of deep connection with your partner, to assume she should simply tough it out is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with leaving your partner because you changed and they didn't. It's part of not trying to change another individual. That's just how it works.

JenAndSome

You need to just take care of yourself for yourself. If he doesn't want to work out and eat healthy you can't force him, but that's no excuse for you to give up on what you want to accomplish.

blgerig

For people with different goals/preferences my best suggestion is to have meals where there are options for both of you and to try to do activities that make moving fun/forget you are working out.

The meal thing may sound tricky, but I will often make something like pasta with roasted veggies and lean protein for my husband and I. He loads up on the pasta and I load up on the veggies (his calorie needs are much higher than mine and he doesn't eat as healthy as I do anyway). The blog Dinner A Love Story talks about deconstructed dinners to please picky eaters - I am not about to make two meals and neither is my husband, so that helps us accommodate each others preferences.

Second, if there is a sport or walk or biking or ANYTHING that is active but doesn't feel like working out, maybe you could try to do that together.

LolliLouUk

Quick question. Did you actually ask him if he wanted to make a lifestyle change with you and he agreed, or did you just decide to be healthier and expected him to go along with it? If it's the latter he can hardly be called unsupportive in my opinion.

At the end of the day you are in control of what you put in your mouth, stop making excuses and others to blame. Sorry if that's sounds harsh.

R_Bedard

My fiancé does not always like the healthy options I cook. I love chicken breast and veggies, he hates chicken and is picky on his veggies. I simply cook what I want to have and then throw in a different option if he is not going to eat it. For example, if I want chicken pitas, I will cook two chicken breasts, but he likes donair meat better so I cook up that. Then the next day I use the chicken for something else ie. salad or sandwich and he can fix what he wants. He hates cooked veggies and I like them so I cook mine and leave his separate. I used to just cook things he would eat but now I do not worry. He will not starve - if he is hungry he will accommodate.

R_Bedard

As far as the gym goes - he will go if he wants. I ask my fiancé to join me (as we have a family plan) but he has been working crazy amounts lately so he often says no. This way he knows I want him to come with me, but there is no pressure. He will come when he is ready and willing.