Being the "fat one"
mreek
Posts: 10 Member
How do you handle being the least attractive woman you're around? I've felt like this all my life. I am tired of hearing men talk about beautiful women as a category I don't belong in. I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face.
I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.
I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?
I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.
I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?
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Replies
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You have to see yourself as beautiful and worthy before anyone else can. You don't get the attention because you are too busy viewing yourself as 'fat or homely'. I have been married for 11 years and my husband has always seen me as perfect they way I am (even with weight gain, weight loss and then weight gain again), I couldn't see what he was seeing. But once I started changing my own self-talk I could start to believe that I'm worth losing this weight and I'm worth the attention - sometimes that's scary because it's so different that what I'm used to.
Just a thought...0 -
I used to feel exactly this way. I would compare myself to all other women in the room and find myself lacking. I think through the process of trying to take care of my body, I began to learn to love my whole self as well. And though I still have a good bit to lose, I no longer feel the need to compare my body to others. Just work on yourself and you can't go wrong!0
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Hi,
I am 25 and I completely understand how that feels. The biggest thing that I have learned though is what you project out is what you get back. If you walk around like your hot stuff, people will be attracted to the energy you put out. I used to walk around and tell myself how frumpy I looked and how fat I was and I am only a pretty face. My now husband (boyfriend at the time) would always give me compliments and I never accepted them because it’s kind of like when your mom compliments you, it’s the mentality of ‘’you only say that because you love me’’ or ‘’you only say that because your my boyfriend”. But then one day I just said, you know what, the people that do love me, those are the people I should be listening to. I shouldn’t base how I feel about myself based on what other people think of me, they don’t even know me. After that I try and buy clothes that fit the body I am in and not buy clothes that are too big on me to hide myself in. I even just changed my hair color and everyone loves it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying change yourself for other people, I am saying to do things that give you confidence. Whether it’s a change of clothing or change of hairstyle or even maybe trying a Karaoke night or something (something out of your comfortability zone that once it is done, makes you feel great that you accomplished that on your own). After I switched my way of thinking I feel like my co-workers respond to me in a better light and that they notice when I come in and always compliment me. I am still 5’6 and 215lbs and while I would still love to hear ‘’you have a nice body figure’’ to go along with that pretty face, I just learned that you have to accept society for what it is and that as long as you get to a place where you can accept yourself and love yourself, other people will see you as beautiful no matter what your outwardly appearance is. Sure sometimes I want to still be the girl that turns heads when I walk by but that just isn’t my reality. And that is okay, because my family and friends think I am beautiful and they are the ones that matter the most.
I hope that helps! Feel free to add me if you would like 0 -
I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.0
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First of all, having a gorgeous face (which you do) is the number one best thing...you already ARE beautiful!!! AND you are young so you can bounce back after you have lost the weight. Listen to your BF, he loves you and sees your attractiveness. Just work on making your body a temple, treating it with grace and health and you will be beautiful all over.
A lot of women would kill for a face like yours..and your youth. Look at all the crazy plastic surgery that people get to have a pretty nose or a line free face!
Love who you are now and you will get the results you want.0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.0
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I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.
Loving not just your body, but your whole self will make a difference. It will make a difference because you won't give a flying**** what other people have to say. I still have people in my life that make comments every time I see them. I take a deep breath and remember that I have control over me and they don't.
Keep people around you, like your boyfriend, that will help you remember how amazing you are - inside and out.0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
QFT0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
^^ And this ^^ You really are beautiful!0 -
I spent most of my life being the "fat one". Now, amongst most of the people I spend time with, I'm the "slim one". Here are my observations.
-you're being way to hard on yourself. Your weight/size is a fact, but calling yourself the "least unattractive woman you're around" - that's just opinion, and quite a skewed one. I'm jumping to the conclusion that you don't exclusively hand out with models, but from your profile picture, you are an attractive woman. You might be overweight, but you can change that, and you are doing. You're not a hideous monster, or whatever else you might call yourself. Working on changing how you see yourself. You feel like the least attractive woman. That doesn't make it scientific fact. That's your opinion, and one you can change.
-unless you're one of the lucky ones, self-confidence and self-esteem don't magically arrive when you lose the weight. You don't hit goal and suddenly feel gorgeous. For me, feeling better about myself has been a gradual process that still continues now. That's why it's even more important to start working on this stuff now.
-even thin women are insecure. Even women who look gorgeous to the outside world are insecure. It's such a cliché to say that self-esteem comes from within, but it really, really does. You have the power to change how you see yourself. Some "good looking" women are not that attractive when you actually spend time with them. Some bigger women are absolutely gorgeous, and a lot of that has to do with the energy they give out, and the fact that they love themselves.
-you say men and women are making it clear to you that you're not attractive. Are they actually saying that to your face, unambiguously? Or are you trying to read their minds? If they are saying these things to you, then you need to find different people to spend time with.
-I have lost more than you are aiming to lose. I have loose skin. It was still worth it. I am far happier with my body now than before. I feel much more comfortable in my own (loose) skin. It's not hideous. There's some on my arms, abdomen and boobs. It's a bit annoying, along with stretch marks, but it's really not that bad. I'm proud of how my arms look, and don't feel self conscious about showing them with a little wobble. The fact is, you're not going to get to goal, wake up and look like a (photoshopped) covergirl. Most people, thin or fat, do not look like supermodels. They are unusual. I have come to terms with the fact that my skin is never going to be perfectly smooth, but you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm slim, I've got some nice muscle definition, and I look 100% better than I did before I lost the weight. And... you have less to lose than I did, and you are younger. You might not get any loose skin, and you might not lose much from your boobs. Not everyone does.
-you have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks you're gorgeous. Believe him. I'm not saying you are, but don't let your low self esteem and insecurities drive him away. That can happen.
Maybe I'm making this all seem easy. It's not, but it's something you can work on. You can change the way you think about yourself. Perhaps look into cognitive behavioural therapy as a way of thinking about things differently.
Stop thinking about all the beautiful girls you're not going to grow into, and think about the beautiful you you're growing into.0 -
Two words that will help you the most, instill confidence, and carry you through the years...
Self Acceptance
Remember no one is perfect and NEVER EVER EVER compare yourself to anyone else.0 -
Who are all these people actively commenting on how disgusting you are?I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.0 -
I know exactly how you feel and let me tell you, at 42 it doesn't get any easier. In addition to being compared to thinner woman out there you are also compared to younger thinner woman....with no stretchmarks!! lol
There's no words of advice that I can offer you because unfortunately we live is a very judgmental society that gets it's perceptions of perfection (say that fast 10 times!) from Hollywood and photo shopped images on magazines covers. I'm working hard to lose weight and get fit and with that self esteem will hopefully improve. I'm already starting to feel better about myself and what I've accomplished. Focus your energy on your boyfriend, who sounds very supportive.
Good luck with your weight loss journey!0 -
Thank you guys, I guess I didn't want this to be a pity party for me, I had just been feeling upset the past few days about these things. I think hanging out with the somewhat shallow early-20s crowd has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more insecure and upset than I did a year ago. You've all really helped me calm down a bit.0
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For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way. Even if no one is saying anything bad, no one is generally saying anything good, either...and when they do, it is often patronizing and ends up making me feel worse instead of better.
This isn't to discount the many good points made here about confidence and self-acceptance...that is certainly the name of the game. It really isn't the whole story, though. At least not for everyone.0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
QFT
Yea, really. You're freaking gorgeous!
Are these people who are "actively making comments about how disgusting your body is" people you know or just strangers on the street?
If they are people you know, they need to stop that *kitten* like yesterday or get out of your life. You need to talk to them.
If they are strangers, deal with it how you like. I'd suggest calling them out right there. LOUDLY. As in, "I'M SORRY SIR. I'M NOT SURE I HEARD YOU RIGHT. DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FAT *kitten*? WELL THAT SEEMS KIND OF RUDE AND LIKE IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ANYONE ELSE HERE ON THE STREET WHAT YOU THINK OF THEIR *kitten*?"0 -
Out of all my family members and friends, I am the heaviest but I don't see myself as the most unattractive. Our western culture attends to equate "unattractiveness" to those who are overweight or obese. I find this especially when it comes to women. I am not sure of the men whom you've encountered what their values are, but they are entitled to their opinion. I can see from your photo that you are beautiful and you need to feel good about yourself. It took me a while to get here and each day I weigh the good and the bad and realize that regardless of what I look like on the outside, that I am truly a woman who has great potential and I am blessed that I am married to a man who realizes that as well. It's not always easy but you will find your way. I wish you well. :happy:0
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Oh my your not ugly, if you feel your gonna have saggy skin then start using firming beauty products, if your breast are a concern maybe your prize for your end goal weight could be a boob job? Dont assume the future. There are pretty woman everywhere maybe someone thinks your prettier than them!0
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You have to accept yourself for you.
Most people, I find, don't accept me for ... me.
I'm not one of these girls who goes out of her way to look "pretty" every day.
Most people who know me know that I RARELY do the whole makeup/fixed hair routine. It's just not me. I have friends who spend two hours of their time every day before stepping out of the house ... I don't want to spend 2 hours getting ready just to do 30 minutes of grocery shopping. They look great ... but what's the point!
We're not all airbrushed Photoshopped models. Women have that weight on their shoulders every day, blame current society.
I'd much rather be natural than fake! And anyone who can't accept you for being you doesn't deserve you in the first place!0 -
Thank you guys, I guess I didn't want this to be a pity party for me, I had just been feeling upset the past few days about these things. I think hanging out with the somewhat shallow early-20s crowd has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more insecure and upset than I did a year ago. You've all really helped me calm down a bit.
I'm generally not one to shout "Jealousy!" but if these nasty comments are coming from women, that would be my guess.
You have one of those cute, sweet, innocent faces that men seem to like a lot and some women (NOT ALL!!!) can be catty and competitive. They may perceive you as a threat.
I think you need to try to make different friends who don't have their own self-confidence issues. Honestly, the only reason to say negative things about someone else's appearance is to make yourself feel better.0 -
Here's the thing. All men are not shallow cheating *kitten* just like not all women are gold-digging flakey *****es. There are guys compatible with you out there, you just have to find eachother.
The reason why you want to keep positive is because when you are happy and enjoy living life, people will enjoy being around you. Then you make friends, who have other friends, and before you know it you have "met" hundreds and thousands of people. The chances of you meeting someone are very high this way. It is a numbers game.
The harder thing is actually changing your beliefs to positive ones. I can't possibly describe this here but there are many great books and stuff like out there. You might want to check out "cognitive reframing" because it is basically what happy people do really well and sad people don't even know about, and let their unconscious do automatically for them (in a negative way).0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
you've had some great replies so i wont add anything other than to agree with this
your a very pretty girl and should not feel how you do, because it clearly is'nt true
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How do you handle being the least attractive woman you're around? I've felt like this all my life. I am tired of hearing men talk about beautiful women as a category I don't belong in. I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face.
I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.
I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?
Society is fickle and changeable.... one minute we love curves, the next we love the half starved pre pubescent boyish look.... I would not take any notice of what is currently 'in trend' or 'fashionable'
You are not ugly and I doubt people see you as the 'ugly one'.... that's probably how you see yourself... which is a different thing entirely
Also.... I can state without a doubt that the sexiest thing about anyone.... is confidence.... (not arrogance... not look at how hot I am, aren't I just fabulous)... but quiet, self assured, real confidence that comes from within.... if you have to find it from anywhere or anyone else, it's not real or worth having
Work on yourself.... not just the outside but the inside too.... learn to love what's amazing, real and unique about you.... because I bet there is a lot to love.... Your boyfriend sees it, maybe you should start seeing it too... and if you can't then look harder x0 -
Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly.
No?
I would contend two things 1) that there are men out there who are and whether there actually are is pretty much irrelevant
and 2) you are probably taking some comments and over-blowing them or reading too much into them. For example you say "I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face. " But you seem to use them making sure you know you are pretty as being a way to remind you that you are fat and ugly somehow.
Honestly, I think you may have heard disparaging comments over the years - but I also think you are creating and spinning things that have zero intent to make you feel bad.0 -
Here's the thing. All men are not shallow cheating *kitten* just like not all women are gold-digging flakey *****es. There are guys compatible with you out there, you just have to find eachother.
The reason why you want to keep positive is because when you are happy and enjoy living life, people will enjoy being around you. Then you make friends, who have other friends, and before you know it you have "met" hundreds and thousands of people. The chances of you meeting someone are very high this way. It is a numbers game.
The harder thing is actually changing your beliefs to positive ones. I can't possibly describe this here but there are many great books and stuff like out there. You might want to check out "cognitive reframing" because it is basically what happy people do really well and sad people don't even know about, and let their unconscious do automatically for them (in a negative way).
Ummmm this^^^^^^^^ and secondly we all are what we believe ourselves to be...... You are not ugly by any stretch.........0 -
You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
No kidding. Your adorable.
Have you ever gone to http://www.mybodygallery.com/ ? It really helped me. I started to think, "They all can't be slimmer then me at the same weight. If they look like this, then I must look like this, too." True everyone carries their weight differently, but it was really eye opening for me and helped a lot with my self-perception.0 -
Aww you're so pretty too! The saggy skin thing, doesn't always happen to everyone, and often the body reabsorbs the extra skin and staying hydrated helps. And we all have our ugly duckling days, even those really pretty skinny girls. The ones you kinda want to beat with a plastic bat some days.
It may be worth expanding the social crowd to get out from around those shallow kids.
I know I have one friend who feels he is beautiful, and skinny (a rail), and must stay that way, or his life is for nothing. I do a lot of eye rolling, but he's fun otherwise! 0 -
As a woman in her early 20's, you may be surprised at how well your skin will tighten up as you lose weight, especially if you lose it slow and steady. Wish that was true once you're in your 60's!! The people making those comments are appalling - they are the truly ugly people.
Keep on losing weight and exercising! Listen to those who love you - they are RIGHT!!0 -
Oh, men are judged for their appearance all the time ... for being too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too muscular, not muscular enough, for being bald, for having tats or piercings, for the way they dress, etc. It's just that men spend a hell of a lot less time TALKING about these things than women do.
If you want to get academic about it (I took a human sexuality class in college), the reason women are judged differently than men is because a woman's primary "value," for lack of a better term, used to be her ability to bear children, and, since the dawn of time, this has been externally manifested in how she looks ... it is presumed that a young, attractive, healthy-looking woman will be better able to produce strong, healthy children than an older, less attractive, or sickly-looking woman. A man's primary value used to be (and pretty much still is) his ability to protect and provide for his family. This is why women tend to be attracted to bigger, stronger men and, these days, men with good jobs.
Point being, we're all judged for something. If it's something you have control over, like your weight, then fix it. If it isn't, then you just have to stop caring whether or not you get someone else's stamp of approval. You have a boyfriend who thinks you're gorgeous. The rest of it shouldn't matter so much.0 -
You know, I looked at your profile pic - and you ARE beautiful, so take that as gospel.
You are young FGS - any weight loss if you do it slowly and properly will NOT result in saggy skin and empty boobs! I'm 65 going on 66 and I have both saggy skin and droopy boobies, but I still think I'm beautiful - see my pic - and so does my toy-boy husband (12 years younger).
Just take your weight loss slowly and seriously, exercise and do some lifting to define your muscles, which are young, strong and flexible.
As far as the comments - excuse me, but I say F**K them. I cant abide down-putters - they obviously envy your looks.
Start looking in the mirror each day and loving what you see - your boyfriend is obviously a lucky man and he loves you. Why would you even care if anyone else doesn't - apart from your family and CLOSE, REAL friends?
If they start again, smile sweetly and tell them, you are pretty because you're young. That should shut em up.
good luck on your journey baby - you'll get there AND be fabulous.0
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