Being the "fat one"

AlongCame_Molly

How do you handle being the least attractive woman you're around? I've felt like this all my life. I am tired of hearing men talk about beautiful women as a category I don't belong in. I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face.

I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.

I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?

So, are you being told how pretty you are, or how ugly you are? I don't get it. You're not making sense.

willdob3

This is a serious self-esteem issue.

You are not defined by your weight. I learned that a long time ago. I no longer judge myself by my size. I don't compare my looks to how others look & I don't judge others based on their appearance either. That is a horrible, insecure way to think about anyone.

Melissa22G

Everyone gets judged.

Important thing is, you're not ugly and you have someone that thinks you're gorgeous.

Who cares what anyone else thinks?

and :flowerforyou:

rml_16

So, are you being told how pretty you are, or how ugly you are? I don't get it. You're not making sense.

She's talking about people telling her she has a pretty face in such a way as to state or imply that the rest if her looks like crap.

TheBitSlinger

I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?

As a not-great-looking guy, trust me, there is a shortage of people who are willing to judge me.

If it were me, I'd marry the boyfriend. I promise you, the minute you achieve what society says is "good looking", the society police will change the rules to something else.

gigglybeth

I promise you, the minute you achieve what society says is "good looking", the society police will change the rules to something else.

That is excellent advice.

I really believe the people who are most attractive in this world are ones who feel comfortable with themselves. No matter what their age or station in life and no matter if they fit societies beauty standards, they just have a charm that radiates off of them that makes you want to be around them.

maillemaker

From your picture I can tell you that you are not that overweight and you are NOT beyond "fixing". I do not think you are overweight enough that losing the extra weight is going to leave you with saggy skin problems.

There are a lot of women around here who have lost a lot more weight and come out looking fantastic.

Don't be afraid of getting fit because you think your skin won't keep up. I think you are fine.

tomg33

If you want to get academic about it (I took a human sexuality class in college), the reason women are judged differently than men is because a woman's primary "value," for lack of a better term, used to be her ability to bear children, and, since the dawn of time, this has been externally manifested in how she looks ... it is presumed that a young, attractive, healthy-looking woman will be better able to produce strong, healthy children than an older, less attractive, or sickly-looking woman. A man's primary value used to be (and pretty much still is) his ability to protect and provide for his family. This is why women tend to be attracted to bigger, stronger men and, these days, men with good jobs.

Point being, we're all judged for something. If it's something you have control over, like your weight, then fix it. If it isn't, then you just have to stop caring whether or not you get someone else's stamp of approval. You have a boyfriend who thinks you're gorgeous. The rest of it shouldn't matter so much.

Oh I wish I could explain this to everyone... Why do I exercise? To feel good and be healthy, and to pursue what I love... Which all leads back to sexuality. I tremble to imagine any nobler cause than wishing to improve ones sexual market value.

showjennie

Honestly, if you are hanging around people who think it is ok to say negative things to you about how you look, it is time to reevaluate why you are hanging out with these people.

What it means to have confidence is not convincing yourself that you are attractive - it is accepting yourself however you are, without judging yourself as attractive or otherwise.

You are not the extra weight you carry or the shape of whatever body part you don't like. Even if some people may choose to see that. They can go fly a kite. The only person whose judgment of you matters, is you. And if you are judging yourself too harshly, you are the only one that is going to suffer for it.

Cheechos

I honestly think I'm one of the cutest people I know. I'm very happy with how I look, but it wasn't always that way. I used to hate my body with a passion, and whenever someone would say "Don't pay attention to what other people think and just love yourself" I would get angry because it seemed impossible. I'd think to myself, "Yeah, it's easy for YOU to say that" and then I'd go back to pinching my gut and ducking out of the way of my friends' cameras at get togethers. Honestly, though? You have to do it. You have to if you want to survive the snarks, the behind-the-hand giggles, the rude stares, all of it. It probably seems difficult and like it doesn't make a crap of a difference, but when you really dig deep and start loving yourself from the roots then you can look any snide commenter in the face and say "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, so step off and watch me be fabulous." Don't buy magazines that criticize body types, change the channel when a stupid Special K commercial comes on, and surround yourself with good people who love you the way you are. Read body positivity material and create a support network for yourself. And, every day, tell yourself that you're lovely. Look your reflection right in the eye when you go to the bathroom and say the words. It'll seem stupid and weird at first, but eventually it'll sink in. It'd be great if our society wasn't so cruel and demeaning towards people who don't fit into the conventional standards of beauty, but it'll be a while before we can change that, so it's better to start from within first and then work outwardly. Good luck. ♥

bregalad5

I always feel I'm the fat and ugly one when I'm out. I feel like people are staring at me. I know it's not true, but I grew up being called fat, ugly, and worthless, and it has stuck with me. Now that I just turned 30, I can only hope this decade is better than my 20s, because I let myself go for far too long. I'm really trying to change how I see myself, as I know that I get much more positive reactions from strangers (for the first time ever I've noticed guys flirting with me!!)when I'm more positive and confident.

JUDDDing

Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly.

We call one another ugly all of the time - we just don't care what other people think of us - particularly other guys.

(Probably not universally true - but true for everyone I know.)

ETA - good lord, you're in your early 20's - lose your 50 lbs and go have a wonderful couple decades - you can have this discussion when you are 40+

Froody2

I used to feel like you, but the older I get the less I give a crap about what society or people I meet think about me. Nowadays I'm like, b*tch I'm fabulous :smokin:

Inshape13

Thank you guys, I guess I didn't want this to be a pity party for me, I had just been feeling upset the past few days about these things. I think hanging out with the somewhat shallow early-20s crowd has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more insecure and upset than I did a year ago. You've all really helped me calm down a bit.

This is exactly what came to mind when I read your post. Once you get into your 30s you will probably find that views change and people are not as shallow....or if you still find the same, then you need to really take a look at the people you hang out with and see if that is who you want to be around and associate with. When people settle down and leave the 20s behind they begin to shift in what is important and see what really matters because there is not so much to prove anymore when you settle down with someone. I know that it is not true for all 20 somethings and there are exceptions so take a look at yourself and love who you are regardless of what they say because you really are the only one who's opinion should matter.

SoViLicious

I've been the heaviest one many times. But never have I ever been the LEAST ATTRACTIVE. Fat us not synonymous with ugly.

downsizinghoss

You look great to me!

But I understand, I doubt I will ever be the prettiest in the room. :sad:

SoViLicious

You look great to me!

But I understand, I doubt I will ever be the prettiest in the room. :sad:

Come to my room baby!

stardancer7

“Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

Alex_is_Hawks

How do you handle being the least attractive woman you're around? I've felt like this all my life. I am tired of hearing men talk about beautiful women as a category I don't belong in. I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face.

I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.

I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?

i'm 38....i look better, thinner and younger than I did in my 20's...


age is JUST a number....

maybe you should talk to a therapist.

SwimTheButterfly

Yep! I feel for you. For whatever reason you some how started thinking of yourself that way. I have scar on my face from being assaulted. I always focused on developing my intellect and inner beauty. I always have always been taught that beauty never lasts. So I just try to do the best with what i have and not worry so much about what people think of how I look. It really is the inner you that matters most. But we can control how our body looks and have the body we want. I must admit, I LOVE make up, even though there are days when I don't wear any of it now. Never apologize for trying to be the best you. LOVE YOURSELF!

You are beautiful! Know it!

YES!! Age is just a number! I am 48.

Contrarian

Why are you putting so much importance on being pretty? It's the result of the random interaction of your parents' DNA. Nothing more. Why people find that something to be proud of bewilders me. You can change your fitness and be proud of that. You can increase your knowledge of any topic and be proud of that, too. Your face is something you were born with and you cannot change it. It is neither a thing to be proud nor ashamed of.

Having said that, you have an attractive face. Now snap out of this ridiculous mindset you are in and go do something that will make you feel good about yourself.

BrendaLee

Yes, now that you're in your EARLY TWENTIES, it's all over for you. If you've ever looked at weight-loss pictures, as I'm sure we all have, some of the transformations are mind-blowingly unexpected. So many people who would have been considered unattractive end up as hotties. It happens all the time. Being young gives you an advantage that a lot of us don't have.

Looking at your pictures, I'm pretty sure there's a super hotty in there.

zyxst

How do I deal with being the ugliest/fattest women among my friends? I don't do anything. I just accept it.

Edited for clarity.

savgar32

I guess I'm a few days behind but hopefully this is still relevant to you. I've been feeling this way lately as well (hence my being back on this website). I'm 20 and am usually the heaviest in the room at any stupid college party/ friend gathering, whatever. I have a great boyfriend of almost 3 years who thinks I am sexy and beautiful and reminds me of that all the time but it really doesn't change the way I feel about myself. No one has been outwardly mean to me since I graduated high school but I feel like a lot of people don't give me the time of day because I'm overweight, which to a lot of shallow people means ugly. (That being said-, maybe this way of thinking makes me seem shy and unapproachable... but those are my own social problems lol) Point being- after some recent ~soul searching~ I've realized how I think I'm perceived probably has a lot to do with how I feel about myself. I'm at a low point in my self esteem and after weeks of watching murder mystery shows and eating potato chips I remembered that things don't have to be this way. I'm trying hard to disassociate weight loss with becoming beautiful. I know that I can become a much happier (and of course healthier) person. And when I've reached my goal and all the haters flock to tell me how sexy I am, I'm gonna remember that those are the *****es who I've known for the last year or two that never gave me a chance and I'm gonna tell em to walk! :glasses:

caribear1984

I don't know where you are in terms of faith, but I believe you were made in the image of God, and God didn't make no junk! He made you just the way you are on purpose. You are a masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope you can learn to see yourself the way He sees you.